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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 5:47:07 PM   
littleladybug


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

If I were to be backed against the wall, with a whip threatened against my bare back, I would, at this point, tentatively state that the difference between female led D/s relationships and male lead D/s relationships has probably more to do with the (huge) differences between female biology and male biology.



And, I think my question was posed a while back...how exactly do you see that difference?

Not from a "yes Ma'am" perspective. How do YOU see it?

I guess, from your responses here, one can fill in the blanks on how you feel about FLRs. In what way do you see how the FemDoms who have responded here are different from male Doms?

I'm seriously interested in this issue. It makes little to no difference in my own relationship, but having read all about "FemDoms" on here, I'm interested in this issue. I sincerely don't see the difference, so I would like to hear from a male sub what he feels the exact differences are.

(in reply to crumpets)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 6:00:38 PM   
GotSteel


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
There wasn't a Google translate on this , but here goes:


I was asking someone else what he meant by women are women. I have a sense of what you mean, outdated sexist stereotypes.

< Message edited by GotSteel -- 1/20/2015 6:01:22 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 122
RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 6:46:56 PM   
Zonie63


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Face it, a lot of what is written on these boards comes from people who probably have never solved a difficult engineering, or mathematical, or sociological, or scientific (etc) problem. I'm sure some of you, like I, have many papers in the scientific journals. Sure, they're written totally differently, in that they take years to compile, and they are specific in that the abstract is written in precise objective terms, while the conclusion is careful to be FULLY backed up by the (usually copious) references, and the body of the paper is consists of a series of documented facts. There is almost always a mess of detail, particularly in the biological scientific papers, some of which conflicts, most of which is incomplete, yet - were we to simply say "all bacteria are the same", we'd have no concept of the (clearly huge) differences between the pneumococci and the acid-fast micobacteria and the spiral-shaped treponemes.

Sure, to some, all bacteria are the same.
But they're not.
If I couldn't summarize the major (obvious) differences, then that would merely mean I didn't understand the subject matter.

And, if someone said to me, "all bacteria are the same", that patently untrue statement would make me ponder whether it's worth my while to edify the person, or just throw out their clearly naive datapoint.

Same here, with female led relationships versus male led relationships.
I'm not saying I understand them well enough to clearly characterize them with any accuracy; but I, like everyone else, can see there are obvious differences that belie the statement that they can't be better characterized.


I can sense that you're trying to come up with a scientific answer to something that can't really be pinned down in such a way.

I don't think anyone can characterize human relationships of any type with any accuracy. (If anyone could do that, a lot of marriage counselors and advice columnists would be out of a job.)

Some people try to use "wolf pack" analogies and use terms like "alpha male"/"alpha female," but even that seems to be lacking in some way. If humans could be studied like we study packs of animals, then we'd eventually have to come to the realization that we all belong in the zoo.

As for male-led vs. female-led relationships, a lot of it also has to be interpreted in the overall construct of society itself, which pretty much defaults to male-led relationships as being the societal norm. Such views have moderated somewhat since the 1950s, but it's still far more common to see than anything opposite. When people hear of female-led relationships, they might conjure up images of some poor, spineless, "henpecked husband" who's nagged incessantly by his wife. Even in BDSM circles, there seems to be some subtle indications that sub males are stigmatized to some degree, sometimes labeled as "weak" or "not real men," which appeals to ideals of manhood from more primitive eras - yet are still very much an integral part of our culture today.

(in reply to crumpets)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 6:47:43 PM   
FieryOpal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

if I asked 100 women what they hated most about prospective male submissives, and if the answer came back that they thought most men were fetish-fueled porn-fed wife-cheating cock-pic orgasm-centric do-me submissives, uninterested in the woman's true relationship needs, that might be a valid datapoint.


Hey, have you been listening in on my FemDom group's conversations, per chance? Sounds awfully familiar....

Although you did leave out "not a *real* sub"--which may actually be the biggest similarity shared between Dominant women and Dominant men, complaint-wise.

(Of course, the converse, of "not a *real* Dominant" might be what many submissives have in common, complaint-wise. I do hear this a great deal from female submissives, though. Males more often feel marginalized, either sexually or by not being their Mistress' primary partner.)

The questions you raised can offer additional insight to OP and to other newbie male subs or switches of any age. His orientation is straight and his inquiries followed suit. It wouldn't have served any purpose, other than to cause further confusion, to state that there are variations in FemDom, just as there are in maleDom. Granted, there are proportionately much fewer MommyDommes than DaddyDoms, and there is no direct corollation to be made with Goreans, nor with '50s Household, or Taken In Hand maleDom lifestyles, and some others whose terminology escapes me. Other than FLR-Female Led Relationship/WLM-Wife Led Marriage (and FLR often gets used in a very broad sense as meaning the same as F/m), one could possibly align these with HOH-Head of Household. There are counterparts to the Cuckolding lifestyle, where FemDom has a Cuckoldress and maleDom has its opposite counterpart in a Cuckquean.

What's missing with these assorted definitions or categories are dimensions of orientations. Not all FemDom is F/m. It could be F/f, F/m/f, F/m/m, F/M/f, F/M/m, F/m/M, etc. In maleDom, I see M/f or M/f/f as being fairly typical, although /f might become F/ with the /f 3rd (unicorn). I'll admit I am not familiar with all these variants, but I know they exist. There's M/m, M/f/m, etc.

In this respect, many generalizations we ALL have posted will fall short and fall flat in dimensionality as either being overly generalized to the point of being meaningless (which crumpets has been emphasizing), or else overly specific, as in having too narrow a focus.

quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

Q: What is the biggest complaint women have when seeking prospective male submissives?
Q: What do women PRAISE most when they've found an excellent male submissive?

Onto the 2nd question, then...from the perspective of a straight, monogamous Sensual Domme (who is NOT a Sensual/Sexual Sadist), who is more FLR lifestyle-oriented,

An excellent submissive male partner for me has been and would be one who is compliant (within pre-defined limits) and willing to please, without losing any of his masculinity or masculine characteristics. I hear this a great deal from straight lifestyle Dommes who seek a straight male sub partner-mate, not a play partner. (Some may cotton to a sissyCD, so I'm not ruling that out with every such Domme, and not all cross-dressers are sissies either.)

To the best of my recollection, I have never heard of a male Dominant complaining that he cannot find a submissive female who doesn't act feminine enough, btw.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 7:54:15 PM   
usememistress775


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

ROTFL this stuff's cultural you can't actually argue it.

For instance you could enumerate all the reasons why it's respectful to look someone in the eyes while you're talking to them but it wouldn't make wandering around Japan looking people in the eyes while you talk to them any less rude. Because Japan has it''s own cultural reasons for why it's disrespectful to look people in the eyes while you're talking to them.

Same deal here, American culture's changed since you learned it.

Now you can complain until your blue in the face that younger generations have different cultural norms than you but doing so won't turn back the clock, time only moves the one way.

Which is why I don't waste my time cougaring around like some women of my generation do. You youngbloods don't have anything on those older men who have cultural savvy and can still pull babes who want a more mature gentleman than the ones their age.

You can argue until you're blue in the face, and the desirability of older, more experienced men (especially when it comes to Doms) will continue to elude you, even when you become one. It's the difference between having personal magnetism and lacking this elusive charisma.


Which is why as one of that younger generation, when I look around at the general asshattedness that not only permeates my age group but the generation they are raising, I die a little inside.

I was raised by the belt and penny loafer to say my ma'ams and sirs, pull out chairs, open car doors, hold doors and elevators... My father once told me, "Son it isn't because she can't do it for herself, but because she's worth doing it for."

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 8:23:39 PM   
MissToYouRedux


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quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

... My father once told me, "Son it isn't because she can't do it for herself, but because she's worth doing it for."



Smart dad.

_____________________________

- Miss Marie


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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 8:28:09 PM   
crumpets


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
I can sense that you're trying to come up with a scientific answer to something that can't really be pinned down in such a way.

Actually, I believe it CAN be pinned down; it's just not easy to do, because it takes both data, and understanding the data.
At best, with insufficient data, we can make generalizations, which, hopefully, are "mostly" representative of real life relationships.

Anything I say, with insufficient data, can and will be used against me, and, while I have the right to remain silent, I think we can safely say that it seems overwhelming here that the female dominants want men to use "typical male courtesies" (such as opening the door and paying for dinner, and, perhaps even making the first moves, etc.), while none of the men submissive men seem to feel the dominant women should take over that role for them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
I don't think anyone can characterize human relationships of any type with any accuracy. (If anyone could do that, a lot of marriage counselors and advice columnists would be out of a job.)


Many have tried. Myers-Briggs is a decently well tested, IMHO, characterization of personality types (but it was NEVER intended to handle relationships, and, when it's used in that way, I suspect it's being misused).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
As for male-led vs. female-led relationships, a lot of it also has to be interpreted in the overall construct of society itself, which pretty much defaults to male-led relationships as being the societal norm.


And, for that reason alone, female-led D/s relationships can't possibly be simply the opposite of male-led D/s relationships.
More than that, EVERYTHING about women is vastly different than it is about men.

In general, and again, everything I say can and will be used against me, women are more tuned to RELATIONSHIPS than men (yes, I know, there will be some male opportunist who will see that statement and leap into the conversation to decry that he's not looking for a quick lay, and all the gals should flock to him).

In general, the women have no problem, if they want, finding (far) more than one man, so, they can keep one relationship sexual (if they prefer), and the rest of their D/s "encounters", if they prefer, they can keep asexual (with the focus being on service and chastity, for example).

In general, men want to get their rocks off, although, again, these are vast generalizations - but - it's well known that when a man reaches the post-orgasm refractory period, he may be shall we say, more interested in a ham sandwich with an olive on top than serving the same to a female dominant at that point.

We could synthesize generalizations from now until the cows come home, but they'd all have to be tested, against a statistically valid set of relationships. However, my hypothesis is that you can't remove the biology from the person.

My hypothesis is (and I didn't come up with this in a vacuum), that women will fundamentally approach their D/s relationships differently than men will; and, I would then argue, there is a great chance that the differences will split along gender lines for what women and men expect in that relationship, no matter which side of the kneel they may lie.

(in reply to Zonie63)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 8:46:47 PM   
crumpets


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From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Hey, have you been listening in on my FemDom group's conversations, per chance? Sounds awfully familiar....

When I said my ideas didn't coalesce in a vacuum, I was intimating that I learned a lot from you, in both your forum posts (I've read every single one of yours), or in our conversations of late (very detailed and apropos).

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Although you did leave out "not a *real* sub"

My abject apologies.
Reminds me of that YouTube Yes Mistress" satire.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drcTRzO2wMk

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
Males more often feel marginalized, either sexually or by not being their Mistress' primary partner.)

My most recent encounter with a suppose Domme was fundamentally one where I felt she was only in it for my money.
Again, due to BIOLOGY, this isn't something that will happen often in the other direction.
Reminds me of the famous Youtube "I Am a Pro Domme" satire.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XSMzkGSju4

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
It wouldn't have served any purpose, other than to cause further confusion, to state that there are variations in FemDom, just as there are in maleDom.

I agree with your assessment.
If a child asks what's the difference between a cat and a dog, and folks answer "they're both mammals so they're the same, only one is named a cat, while the other is named a dog", the utter lack of noticing any of the very real differences is counter productive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
An excellent submissive male partner for me has been and would be one who is compliant (within pre-defined limits) and willing to please, without losing any of his masculinity or masculine characteristics.

Interesting. Very interesting.
A lot would then depend on how we DEFINE those masculine characteristics at risk of being lost.
Very interesting concept.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
To the best of my recollection, I have never heard of a male Dominant complaining that he cannot find a submissive female who doesn't act feminine enough, btw.

Another interesting point.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
Profile   Post #: 128
RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 9:00:33 PM   
FieryOpal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Which is why as one of that younger generation, when I look around at the general asshattedness that not only permeates my age group but the generation they are raising, I die a little inside.

I was raised by the belt and penny loafer to say my ma'ams and sirs, pull out chairs, open car doors, hold doors and elevators... My father once told me, "Son it isn't because she can't do it for herself, but because she's worth doing it for."
Welcome, to the forum side. The more, the merrier.
(@Zonie, I hadn't seen you had posted until after my last post.)

With my older son, who is close to your age, he was taught to show respect to adults with Ma'ams and Sirs, addressing them as Mr./Mrs./Ms., Uncle and Aunt So-and-So, never by their first names. (With Southern ladies, regardless of marital status, you may address them as "Miss [Surname].") Even to this day, my son's bosses and co-workers have come up to me and marveled, "Your son is such a gentleman. You must have raised him right." This is just one aspect of how he has always distinguished himself above his peers and made advances where doors of opportunity have opened for him.

With our younger son, we must have mellowed with age, because we didn't insist upon the ma'am/sir formalities; however, both were always instilled with never disrespecting females or to look down on anyone, to stick up for themselves and for others, and to be charitable and kind.

The high calibre of your value system will put you ahead of the game and take you far in life, I have no doubt.

What your father told you reminds me of this slogan: "Volunteers are not paid -- not because they are worthless, but because they are priceless."

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/20/2015 10:13:53 PM   
usememistress775


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Which is why as one of that younger generation, when I look around at the general asshattedness that not only permeates my age group but the generation they are raising, I die a little inside.

I was raised by the belt and penny loafer to say my ma'ams and sirs, pull out chairs, open car doors, hold doors and elevators... My father once told me, "Son it isn't because she can't do it for herself, but because she's worth doing it for."
Welcome, to the forum side. The more, the merrier.
(@Zonie, I hadn't seen you had posted until after my last post.)

With my older son, who is close to your age, he was taught to show respect to adults with Ma'ams and Sirs, addressing them as Mr./Mrs./Ms., Uncle and Aunt So-and-So, never by their first names. (With Southern ladies, regardless of marital status, you may address them as "Miss [Surname].") Even to this day, my son's bosses and co-workers have come up to me and marveled, "Your son is such a gentleman. You must have raised him right." This is just one aspect of how he has always distinguished himself above his peers and made advances where doors of opportunity have opened for him.

With our younger son, we must have mellowed with age, because we didn't insist upon the ma'am/sir formalities; however, both were always instilled with never disrespecting females or to look down on anyone, to stick up for themselves and for others, and to be charitable and kind.

The high calibre of your value system will put you ahead of the game and take you far in life, I have no doubt.

What your father told you reminds me of this slogan: "Volunteers are not paid -- not because they are worthless, but because they are priceless."


I appreciate the welcome, and the complements. I hope to have a very successful time here, by which I mean either amuse or infuriate every single person. I live to poke bears. Especially sleeping bears.


_____________________________

I might join the mission to Mars, every mission needs a leader to stay calm and collected. I could bring her drinks and sandwiches.

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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/23/2015 6:53:29 AM   
crumpets


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At the risk of stating the obvious, I do NOT profess to UNDERSTAND women in female-led relationships, but I'm TRYING to do so.
Here are some very tentative (that means they're open for discussion and even major revision) conclusions from reading the threads, and from the much more productive private discussions in the collarspace mail mechanism.

1. Women are women first, biologically and emotionally, and kink second, just as men are. That changes the ENTIRE dynamic tremendously. It's not just the reverse of the same. So this major difference may explain a LOT of the corollaries that fall out of this epitome.

2. Following that first premise, men are overwhelmingly testosterone fueled into a frenzy of sexual and objective thoughts, while women, are, apparently far more free of, where they tend toward relationship-aware needs. This is possibly one reason why men tend to lead with the sexual (cock shots anyone?) and to overtly sexualize the femdom relationship (e.g., do-me subs), while women seem to tend toward their relationship needs first.

3. The laws of supply and demand being what they are, the result of the fact that the women can have almost any submissive man they want might be for some to keep different kinds of men around. They can have their "primary" men, for their sexual relationship, and then the secondary men for non-sexual service oriented needs, often, for some women, which includes financial rewards. This may also explain the prevalence of chastity devices on male subs, who are likely secondary partners, so the device enables the female to concentrate on other things, although the lack of release also contributes to the male focus, which might otherwise be drained prematurely for such secondary subs.

4. It could be that female dominant relationships are almost lesbian like, although this is a dangerous thought which is new to me and which was introduced to me as a thought question by someone who knew far more than I. Following that thought would explain why a dominant woman might want to "peg" a submissive man, but, I'm still working on whether this assumption carries merit.

I formulate these statements solely to better understand the female-led versus male-led D/s relationships, and I make no warranty that they are actually true. The only thing I know, actually, is that they're NOT true, yet, and that they need to be further fleshed out (or discarded, if that's the case).

These are merely open-minded ideas, to be worked out in more detail with thorough thought.

(in reply to usememistress775)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/23/2015 7:55:48 AM   
FieryOpal


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~ FR ~ Re Item 4, while there's nothing wrong with speculating, I don't believe it's advisable for those of us who are straight to fill in the blanks on non-hetero relationship models, because it cannot be substantiated in the first person no matter how hard we try to understand other orientations. Plus the exceptions of outliers don't make the rule. For instance, there are sissies who have said they more closely identify as a lesbian. I have even seen profiles where a sissy male maid has classified himself as a lesbian, including one who has been an OP. This may have nothing to do with how his Mistress regards him or what her own orientation might be.

Along the same lines, I wouldn't go on a maleDom thread and tell Doms and femsubs that they don't know what they're talking about. Unless they've been on the other side of the kneel in the past, or have been a S/switch before, they just wouldn't know.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to crumpets)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/23/2015 10:35:25 AM   
crumpets


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
~ FR ~ Re Item 4,


Actually, for now, I would remove #4 if I could, as it needs far more study than #1, which is probably the real basis for the differences.
Numbers 2 and 3 fall out of number 1, both in real life and in fet life, so, really, it's all about the fact that women aren't men even when they're in dominant roles which totally changes the dynamic.

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 1/23/2015 12:27:32 PM   
usememistress775


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
~ FR ~ Re Item 4,


Actually, for now, I would remove #4 if I could, as it needs far more study than #1, which is probably the real basis for the differences.
Numbers 2 and 3 fall out of number 1, both in real life and in fet life, so, really, it's all about the fact that women aren't men even when they're in dominant roles which totally changes the dynamic.


That made me think of the time in The Name of the Wind when Kvothe interrupts Ambrose and Fela and asks for books on women. "I am told they are singular creatures much different than men. Mayne something with pictures, possibly a bestiary."

_____________________________

I might join the mission to Mars, every mission needs a leader to stay calm and collected. I could bring her drinks and sandwiches.

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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 2/6/2015 6:35:11 PM   
cloudboy


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One data point I see is a huge difference in Maledom v. Femdom profiles. It offers a stark contrast.

When I met long ago poster LuckyAlbatross for dinner many years back, she just rolled out the old reliable: Maledoms want you to suck their cock, Femdoms want you to clean their house.

Another data point would be the financial one. Maledoms aren't typically seeking money-machine sluts. But this could actually be a demand driven difference, aka, femsubs don't go for that so Maledoms don't seek it.

The biggest categorical difference is societal expectations. Men are not real men (pussy-whipped) if they are submissive. It's not feminine to be dominant (she's a bitch....) steer clear....

Another difference is numbers. Few malesubs are actually in a good relationship. Most malesub posters here a looking. Femsubs are usually in a relationship and report huge levels of satisfaction and fulfillment.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 2/6/2015 6:38:56 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 135
RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 2/6/2015 11:24:50 PM   
crumpets


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Maledom v. Femdom profiles. It offers a stark contrast.

That's a valid way to approach the delta, from the standpoint of what the profiles look like.
I like the idea.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Maledoms want you to suck their cock, Femdoms want you to clean their house.

Interesting.
We should be able to discern these differences by reading the profiles, I would think.
Or, by asking what they each want.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Maledoms aren't typically seeking money-machine sluts.

I can't say that I have been looking at Maledom profiles, but, I'd be surprised, as you noted, that they would be asking for "tribute" or for "sessions" or some such thing that you see, all the time, in many of the Femdomme profiles.
However, I simply assume that *all* those "tribute" profiles are actually men, hustling other men, for financial gain.
I don't really know though, as I would never even respond to any profile that mentioned any of those tell-tale keywords.
But, it's a good thought to ponder.

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
Few malesubs are actually in a good relationship. ...Femsubs are usually in a relationship

Another interesting distinction, which would wholly temper the context of the profile, were we to research a dozen or so, as a testcase.

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RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 2/7/2015 7:18:11 PM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets



At best, with insufficient data, we can make generalizations, which, hopefully, are "mostly" representative of real life relationships.

Anything I say, with insufficient data, can and will be used against me, and, while I have the right to remain silent, I think we can safely say that it seems overwhelming here that the female dominants want men to use "typical male courtesies" (such as opening the door and paying for dinner, and, perhaps even making the first moves, etc.), while none of the men submissive men seem to feel the dominant women should take over that role for them.





However, most submissive females want men to use 'typical male courtesies' as well.

Which would indicate that it isn't a D vs s thing, but a female thing. And therefore can't be construed as different from a male led relationship because it has nothing to do with the leader of the relationship. Simply with whether you're male or female.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 137
RE: What is DIFFERENT about femdom than other sexy rela... - 2/7/2015 8:23:22 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
it isn't a D vs s thing, but a female thing.

That does seem to be the determining factor.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 138
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