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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 11:15:10 AM   
usememistress775


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Why is sacrifice a bad thing? Everyone seems to be placing negative connotations on the word. I do see it as a demonstration of love, and never said I couldn't be monogamous either. I said that sex doesn't equal love. Meaning that I can love someone without sex being in the picture at all. If I SACRIFICE something for someone it is willingly. I don't pull out a ledger and mark down, "January 31, 2015 Cooked dinner and gave a foot rub. +18." All I am trying to say is that if you love someone or something then you give freely of yourself. If you love someone who will not do that then they don't love you back.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 11:16:08 AM   
needlesandpins


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I invest my emotions in to my animals, all of them no matter what they are.....even a wild Swallow fledgling that had a damaged wing that I knew it would die, and thought it would do so quite quickly of shock. it didn't though, and was actually a fighter, so I cared for it for 2 days anyway. I fed it, kept it safe, warm, and let it snuggle up against my neck under my hair. I was fricking gutted when it actually died as it had been doing so well. animals are so easy to invest emotions in to, people? not so much.

I think you can look back fondly at the good times you've had with people, but it depends on how things have ended. yes, my ex, and I had a lot of good times together, but I can't think of any of it without the scum of what he's done tainting all of it.

I'll always be grateful for having had my ex playmate in my life. we have had some amazing times as far as I'm concerned, he has given me, and my son an enormous amount of support, I've been able to have some sexual experiences with him that I thought would only ever be fantasies, and I had somewhere to escape to. however,.......and therein lies the problem; the 'however'.

needles

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 11:21:46 AM   
GoddessManko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

For umm, sex has nothing to do with love.
That's not true for me.
I didn't teach my children lies and falsehoods. I am not sex negative.

What I am is demisexual. Without love, I do not find anyone sexually attractive. I do find them aesthetically attractive, like looking at a picture in a museum, but that's it.

The fact that umm is not hard wired to be monogamous does not mean that no one else is.

As far as sacrifice, if you aren't willing to forgo things for your children, and you view giving things up for them as a sacrifice, instead of a demonstration of your love, that tells me that you are a very selfish person. Same with anyone else you claim to love. Because doing something that betters someone you love should not be viewed as a sacrifice. It ought to be a happy giving to them. Do you view buying them a birthday present a sacrifice? Why not, after all you could have spent that money on yourself?

I know people who view it as sacrifice, and universally I have never seen such a marriage succeed. Eventually they find themselves alone because of the fact that selfishness begets selfishness. If you make your partner or children feel that they are a burden to you, they will withdraw, and they will find being with you to be a burden to them.


So perfectly stated and appreciated. My definition of sacrifice is very far beyond some personal capabilities. I look to others who do great tasks, move mountains without complaint and small gestures toward someone of affection cannot compare. Happy giving, ergo not a sacrifice. I concur.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 1/29/2015 11:53:31 AM >


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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 11:30:04 AM   
needlesandpins


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

For umm, sex has nothing to do with love.
That's not true for me.
I didn't teach my children lies and falsehoods. I am not sex negative.

What I am is demisexual. Without love, I do not find anyone sexually attractive. I do find them aesthetically attractive, like looking at a picture in a museum, but that's it.

The fact that umm is not hard wired to be monogamous does not mean that no one else is.

As far as sacrifice, if you aren't willing to forgo things for your children, and you view giving things up for them as a sacrifice, instead of a demonstration of your love, that tells me that you are a very selfish person. Same with anyone else you claim to love. Because doing something that betters someone you love should not be viewed as a sacrifice. It ought to be a happy giving to them. Do you view buying them a birthday present a sacrifice? Why not, after all you could have spent that money on yourself?

I know people who view it as sacrifice, and universally I have never seen such a marriage succeed. Eventually they find themselves alone because of the fact that selfishness begets selfishness. If you make your partner or children feel that they are a burden to you, they will withdraw, and they will find being with you to be a burden to them.


yes, there is a lot in here that I agree with. I haven't included my son in what I've written because he's my son, and everything I do for him happens just because it does.

my ex would say to me 'i'll give this up if you want me to'. WTF would I ask him to give something up for me so that at a later point he could resent me for doing it, and throw it back at me?

my ex playmate repeatedly said to me 'tell me what you want from me, and i'll see what I can give you'. Again though, why on earth would I tell someone what I 'want'. I tried to tell him that if he had anything to give me emotionally then he just had to give it. not because I had said I wanted it, not because it's what he thought I wanted, but just because that was how he actually felt. he couldn't grasp the fact that I didn't want something contrived, or that could be at any point have blame apportioned to it. I have only ever wanted something that is organic because the other person wants to give to me just as I have given to them....

just because

I want to be enough

needles

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 12:36:47 PM   
NookieNotes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775
I put this challenge to you Nookie, think of anything you love in any capacity be it person, pet, planet, country or inanimate object. Think of that entity and tell me if you are unwilling to sacrifice anything at all in order to (spend time with, improve the life of, enjoy the company of, make happy etc). I would like to know if you find anything you love that you can't see making even a small sacrifice for.


I have already told you one. I love my ex-husband. I would not make even a small sacrifice for him.

For those I love currently in my life, well, the sacrifice would not depend on the love I have for them. It would depend on whether I felt the sacrifice was worth their potential benefit.

When I lived in NYC, I gave my new winter coat to a homeless woman and her two very small mutt dogs. I sacrificed that coat for her and her dogs' potential survival. Did I love her? No.

Spending time with my friends is not a sacrifice, to me. Loaning money to a loved one is not a sacrifice.

So, I'm still not following your logic, unless you believe that every choice ever made then becomes a sacrifice... and in that case, there is no tie-in to love, except that living requires sacrifice, and therefore love does, too, since love is a part of life.

And I don't buy that kind of macro thinking.

Love is love. Sacrifice is sacrifice. Sometimes they go together. Sometimes they do not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

You are trying to make our small gestures into grandiose and selfless acts when they aren't. Not in comparison. It is simply a fact. Also this will give you food for thought as to what "true submission" requires.


I agree with this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

This is a fast reply.

Since the dawn of mankind, words have never been adequate enough to describe love or what it truly means. While I have the utmost respect for those involved in these forums, I seriously doubt that any of us will fare any better.


I agree, Gauge.

However, what I can say, in my opinion, is what love is NOT.

Love does not require sacrifice. Anymore than it requires jealousy, dominance, submission, possession, expectations, clingyness, drama, arguments, slowing sex drive, death of romance...

Or any of the other things that people try to tie into love, to make it both more (in terms of personal responsibility) and less (in terms of the purest form of what it is being enough as it is) than it is actually defined as.


quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Is duty not a facet of love?


No. Love is love, duty is duty.

quote:

As for making small gestures into grandiose acts, there are no small gestures.


You are dictating for the world here. It is a small gesture for me to smile. For someone with a different demeanor, it may be a large gesture.

Perhaps you feel a greater self-importance than I do, and therefore your every action holds great meaning to you. That's not true for me. Most things I do on a daily basis are small acts. Yes, they add up. But as grains of sand add up to a beach, an individual grain is not required, in and of itself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I am not sure why you think love and sacrifice go hand in hand. It really depends on the dynamic but there is no right or wrong way to love at the end of the day. Only what is right or wrong for you.


Yes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Don't know if a goldfish is capable of love, but you are capable of loving a goldfish hence the time spent feeding and caring for it. I have never asserted that love must be returned. I cannot think of a way to express love that doesn't involve sacrifice. And every else brings up one sided love to use as a counterexample yet all it does is highlight that the person who does love will sacrifice for that love and the one not willing to sacrifice does not love the other person.

Reread just my posts and tell me I have made any other claim.


So, you are suggesting that by feeding my cat and cleaning the litter box, I am sacrificing?

What if I clean another cat's litterbox? Is that duty? Or love?

quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775
Again I need to point out that I said that love needed either sacrifice OR the willingness to sacrifice. Every reply keeps saying that they have not sacrificed for someone they love, but I'll bet every dollar I will ever make that if push comes to shove, each one of you will be there sacrificing your plans, time and sometimes money to help those you love.


But it is YOU who is defining the word sacrifice and the word love for everyone else. The dictionary already defines love. Our bodies already produce love as Oxytocin. Your definition does not change the actual common usage of the word.

A sacrifice, to me, would require something above and beyond. You mentioned parents staying up at night for their children. Ask 100 parents. Some will call that a sacrifice, some will not.

Why would you feel it is your place to define that for them?

And therefore, for you, perhaps you do not feel you love, unless you sacrifice, or are willing to sacrifice. That's cool for you.

For me, that sounds like you're putting the priorities in the wrong place to determine love or not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Because doing something that betters someone you love should not be viewed as a sacrifice. It ought to be a happy giving to them. Do you view buying them a birthday present a sacrifice? Why not, after all you could have spent that money on yourself?


This is how I read it. However, I'm not saying usememistress775 is selfish, just that the way he is using the word sacrifice to apply to things I would find joy in (and therefore I don't see as sacrifices) puts too much emphasis on them in a relationship, for my personal world view.


quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Why is sacrifice a bad thing? Everyone seems to be placing negative connotations on the word.


Yes. Because it's giving up something valuable.

quote:

All I am trying to say is that if you love someone or something then you give freely of yourself.


This is not the same thing as sacrificing to most people.

That is why we have different words for sacrifice and giving.

You see? The way you are using the word sacrifice to cover things most of see as part and parcel with life is what is making your point moot to me, at least, and I suspect others, from what I've read.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Happy giving, ergo not a sacrifice. I concur.


Thirded.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 12:39:02 PM   
orgasmdenial12


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No it's not a sacrifice, it's a joy. It's not a lie either, and it's nothing to do with hormones. I love him because he's lovely. He says and does things that make me go gooey all the time.

Submission is not a sacrifice, I do it because it excites me.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 12:53:59 PM   
needlesandpins


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everything we feel is to do with hormones, love is no different. it's exactly why some mothers feel no attachment to their babies, and it's exactly why women don't respond to every screaming child in the same way. it's exactly why what you find endearing in one person rubs you up the wrong way in another. otherwise you'd love everyone that showed you the exact same mush that makes you goo from one particular person.

needles

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 1:37:28 PM   
sexyred1


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I think the weight placed on the word sacrifice is equal to what you feel you need to be getting in return. If you feel reciprocation is necessary.

Example: I hate football. My ex was obsessed with football. The first few years, I went with him to games, just to be with him.

I am obsessed with movies. In 12 years, he went to ONE movie with me.

Why? Because he's a selfish asshole who doesn't understand give and take.

So I would say I sacrificed my interests for his and when he made no effort to join me with mine, I stopped sacrificing.

If he reciprocated even a bit, I would not have felt it was such a sacrifice.

So the weight placed on this was high, as it was a symptom of his not making me a priority or even equal to what he wanted.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/29/2015 1:38:43 PM >

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 1:51:13 PM   
Kaliko


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FR

I don't think sacrifice is a requirement for love. The need for it might never even arise. But I think the willingness to sacrifice is.

Really, all sacrificing is, is a choice. Choosing one thing over another, presumably both of value to you, but choosing the value of one over the value of another.

For example, I just sacrificed all of my dinner carbs for chocolate. Dammit. (Okay, that was more of a mistake than a choice. But I still gave up something of value. I value dinner carbs.)

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 1/29/2015 2:12:28 PM >

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 1:58:52 PM   
usememistress775


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Sacrifice is done without expecting anything in return. Are any of your acts of love done with the expectation of something in return? If so that is bartering.

Nookie, I have trouble believing that if your ex was in truly dire straits you wouldn't lift a finger to help. If that is in fact the case, then I fail to see how that is love.

I have said it a couple times in this thread already, but hopefully this time will finally put an end to the question of whether or not all sacrifices are acts of love. No. You can sacrifice without love, in the same way that squares are all rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.

If you didn't love your cat would you happily feed it and change its litter? If instead you were a cat hater but got stuck cat sitting in a pinch, almost as a sacrifice to help someone you loved in an emergency, then your actions wouldn't be for that cat but instead the one you loved.

This will be my last reply on this thread as continually being misquoted or misunderstood has frustrated me to the point where I say uncle. Hopefully you can all come to an understanding without me.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 2:05:24 PM   
needlesandpins


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I think the weight placed on the word sacrifice is equal to what you feel you need to be getting in return. If you feel reciprocation is necessary.

Example: I hate football. My ex was obsessed with football. The first few years, I went with him to games, just to be with him.

I am obsessed with movies. In 12 years, he went to ONE movie with me.

Why? Because he's a selfish asshole who doesn't understand give and take.

So I would say I sacrificed my interests for his and when he made no effort to join me with mine, I stopped sacrificing.

If he reciprocated even a bit, I would not have felt it was such a sacrifice.

So the weight placed on this was high, as it was a symptom of his not making me a priority or even equal to what he wanted.


So much this!

If a person actually means something to you, or at the start you want them too, it should be easy. It's not a sacrifice.

it's like putting up with the worst of someone because they 'think too much of you to be false with you', and they keep telling you what a bad time they are having, but then you find out that actually some cheap piece of cunt has been getting the best of them because they didn't think that much of you. they could make all the effort for some worthless nobody, but made you feel less than that in the process. sometimes there is an emotional investment in the act in the first place that you don't resent at the time, or even think about, but when that is walked all over, and taken advantage of it turns everything.

needles


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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 2:30:44 PM   
NookieNotes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775
Nookie, I have trouble believing that if your ex was in truly dire straits you wouldn't lift a finger to help. If that is in fact the case, then I fail to see how that is love.


Well, let's see. When I left him, he became homeless, due to addiction. He alienated everyone who could/would help him. He stole over $250k from me alone.

So, I believe that any sort of sacrifice for him would simply enable him, until and unless he has actually pulled himself out of homelessness and drunkenness (which he had not, as of about 8 months ago, when I saw him in the park).

But yes, I do love him. And I wish him the best. And I desperately wish that he would decide to help himself. But that is NOT my call to make, it is his. He is his own person, and makes his own decisions.

And THAT realization, to me, is what made love clear to me. I can love him, and not want to live with him, have sex with him, stay married to him, support him, go to movies with him... None of that is love.

quote:

I have said it a couple times in this thread already, but hopefully this time will finally put an end to the question of whether or not all sacrifices are acts of love. No. You can sacrifice without love, in the same way that squares are all rectangles but not all rectangles are squares.


The way that works is this:

All squares are rectangles.
Not all rectangles are square.
Therefore, squares are a type of rectangle.

By your logic, this is true:

All love is sacrifice.
Not all sacrifices are love.
Therefore, love is a type of sacrifice.

I don't think you mean that. Poor analogy, in my view.

quote:

If you didn't love your cat would you happily feed it and change its litter? If instead you were a cat hater but got stuck cat sitting in a pinch, almost as a sacrifice to help someone you loved in an emergency, then your actions wouldn't be for that cat but instead the one you loved.


The point is that it's not a sacrifice, it's a duty. Saying I will do something, whether because I love someone, because I'm being paid, or because I have taken on a responsibility makes it a duty. And that may have nothing to do with love.

quote:

This will be my last reply on this thread as continually being misquoted or misunderstood has frustrated me to the point where I say uncle. Hopefully you can all come to an understanding without me.


The fact that you refuse to accept the fact that not everyone sees it the same way, or defines sacrifice the same way you do is the issue.

You are telling us how love is, and we are saying, with many examples, "That is not how it is for me."

It's not really that difficult of a concept to grasp. And from your posts, you seem pretty smart. It's a shame you're giving up before you learn this critical lesson.

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins
If a person actually means something to you, or at the start you want them too, it should be easy. It's not a sacrifice.


Ah, so perhaps it becomes more sacrifice as it become less love... *smiles*

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 2:46:23 PM   
needlesandpins


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Nookie, for me that would have to be true. the things that I gave without a problem originally were made a sacrifice by the fact that they were not appreciated, dismissed, expected always, and forever chipped away at. it all just bred resentment in me.

I think that sexyred may get this, but there comes a point when you are with someone that never gives anything, or meets you halfway, where you realise that they just expect you to always be the one to give. that if you don't you are the bad person, regardless of your reasons (even if they are exactly the same as theirs), and they expect to never have to give on their own part, and if you point this out, you are the bad person, regardless of the reasons.

needles

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 3:27:49 PM   
Musicmystery


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quote:

Does Love Require Sacrifice?


You mean like . . . ?


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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 3:32:45 PM   
FieryOpal


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quote:

ORIGINAL: usememistress775

Is duty not a facet of love? Is it not the love for the people who make up the country even if you do not love the governing body of that country? I spent four years in the marines, but have always harbored a deep loathing of the American Party system of politics. I went in out of wanting to make the country safer for those I love. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind because apparently I am not having the same discussion as everyone else. You read my posts yet never get their meaning.

As for making small gestures into grandiose acts, there are no small gestures. Every act taken changes the world in a small way. Every thing you spend time on is something that can never be given back. Every second ticked away is gone forever. Every time you choose to do one thing, you lose the opportunity to do countless others. As long as we look at selfless gestures others make as being small things we negate the fact that they could have literally done anything else in the world with that time.

My personal observation is that folks are getting hung up on the concept of love and sacrifice.

Betrayed love is not what was in mind. Love which can be betrayed must not have been an enduring and abiding love, a unconditional love which inspires both parties to give and to receive in equal measure.

The original meaning of the word "sacrifice" is to make sacred. An unwilling sacrifice is no sacrifice, just as begrudgingly offering one's submission...is not submission either.

Nature is full of examples of self-sacrifice overriding the primal instinct for (solely) self-preservation. Insects instinctively protect their Queens with as much dedication as a dutiful soldier. All hatchling octopi are born motherless; the mother octopus dies of exhaustion digging her nest and guarding it with her life until her time comes. (The father octopus doesn't stick around.) I have been accused of anthropomorphizing, but I'll be damned if the maternal love instincts of an octopus will ever eclipse my own.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 3:42:15 PM   
orgasmdenial12


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quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

everything we feel is to do with hormones, love is no different. it's exactly why some mothers feel no attachment to their babies, and it's exactly why women don't respond to every screaming child in the same way. it's exactly why what you find endearing in one person rubs you up the wrong way in another. otherwise you'd love everyone that showed you the exact same mush that makes you goo from one particular person.

needles


I disagree. There's no evidence at all that hormones control our feelings. In fact, the exact interplay of hormones is not even fully understood by scientists due to their complexity. I don't doubt that hormones *can* have an effect on feelings, but in terms of complex feelings like love, admiration and respect, I think the main factor is a feeling of approval or emulation.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 5:23:15 PM   
GoddessManko


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FR, yes, there is a part of our brain that controls memory as well as emotion. People sometimes need medication to regrow if long standing depression causes it to shrink and as a result memory as well as emotions can be negated. I agree with sexyred1's definition of sacrifice because she willfully put herself outside her zone of comfort for a painfully ongoing amount of time despite the gesture not being reciprocated. Not only that, he wasn't speaking her love language. If she hadn't, she could have still loved him but just thought it wasn't worth the trouble. Sacrifice requires going above and beyond. Paternal and maternal duties cannot be called "sacrifice", it is duty to legacy and RESPONSIBILITY. Any parent with such perception would be someone I would put headphones in when around them to not hear the complaints or self compliments.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

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The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 5:52:25 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

Nookie, for me that would have to be true. the things that I gave without a problem originally were made a sacrifice by the fact that they were not appreciated, dismissed, expected always, and forever chipped away at. it all just bred resentment in me.

I think that sexyred may get this, but there comes a point when you are with someone that never gives anything, or meets you halfway, where you realise that they just expect you to always be the one to give. that if you don't you are the bad person, regardless of your reasons (even if they are exactly the same as theirs), and they expect to never have to give on their own part, and if you point this out, you are the bad person, regardless of the reasons.

needles


I do get this, in my case, I spoke up about it non stop and first he lied and said, oh yeah babe, we'll do what you like soon and when that never came to fruition, he just ignored or got angry over my pointing out how imbalanced our social life was. He accused me of starting fights, by my expressing my needs, even when I did it lovingly.

I just stopped giving in to any of his demands other than sex. Which is a whole other story!

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RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 5:59:53 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12


quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

everything we feel is to do with hormones, love is no different. it's exactly why some mothers feel no attachment to their babies, and it's exactly why women don't respond to every screaming child in the same way. it's exactly why what you find endearing in one person rubs you up the wrong way in another. otherwise you'd love everyone that showed you the exact same mush that makes you goo from one particular person.

needles


I disagree. There's no evidence at all that hormones control our feelings. In fact, the exact interplay of hormones is not even fully understood by scientists due to their complexity. I don't doubt that hormones *can* have an effect on feelings, but in terms of complex feelings like love, admiration and respect, I think the main factor is a feeling of approval or emulation.


I disagree at least from the point of view of romantic love which usually starts with sexual attraction, which is governed by a chemical reaction to a person.

That is why it's so difficult sometimes to extricate yourself from a bad relationship.

In my own case, my intellect and heart told me I was with someone, as GoddessManko put it, who did not speak my love language, yet my chemical/hormonal feelings for him sexually made me stay.

I also know my love feelings for him were not based on respect or admiration, which in itself tells a lot. Any other love relationship I had involved respect and admiration and if I sacrificed anything, it would be met with appreciation and reciprocity.


< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/29/2015 6:00:40 PM >

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Does Love Require Sacrifice? - 1/29/2015 6:08:19 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Of course love (sometimes) requires sacrifice.

If we assume that my ladies love me (and they say they do) then, they are currently sacrificing time with me in order for me to finish my degree.

I've said this before: time is the only resource we can't replenish so I consider this the ultimate sacrifice one can make and still be alive at the end of it.

Having said that, let me go a step further: my son loved his country and gave the ultimate sacrifice.

Sometimes, love hurts.



Michael


_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 40
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