dreamlady
Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
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quote:
ORIGINAL: alpha499
Dream, we all agree that any involvement in a D/s or vanilla LTR is based on compatibility. It is fundamental that both parties MUST be on the same wavelength, same page ,or we call it also ran. However there must be a starting point, laying the foundation of a relationship is the most important thing,whether the woman wears the pants in the relationship or the man, the burden here will fall in the leader, making the rules, setting the ways , even breaking resistance and worse case scenario reshaping and remodeling the sub's osychology to suit the relationship. You said you don't believe in obedience, and humiliation in this context does not do a whole lot for you but it would be a treat to the sub. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY. Believe me anything that does not a whole lot to the Dom ain't nothing either to the sub, period, I stated in early posts this is a complementary relationship, e.g if you don't enjoy sex with me I won't enjoy it unless I am a rapist, in this relationship the Dom and the sub unite to make a tree-like existence with deep roots and hight branches, each depends on the other and there's no preference as long as they meet st the end and become ONE. I will try to give you an example , you and me are on i81 in Hagerstown exit 5b ,I am the sub I go south and keep going south and you the domme you go north towards, Chambersburg and you keep going north , after a while you will find that you are going south and I am going north until we meet again in the nervana . Roght?
Allow me to clarify to you that it isn't obedience that I don't believe in! It's obedience training. That may be necessary for a man in his 20's thru mid-30's, and the same would apply to "training" a man sexually. Any man. However, I hope you can see the parallel, that ongoing training would be an absurd proposition.
For example, dude needs to be shown how I like to get fucked, which will vary depending on my mood and various sex positions, etc. Every single man I've ever known has to be shown how to perform oral to my satisfaction, because no two women's bodies are exactly alike. Comprendez-vous?
So here, you could term it training; I consider it teaching. The distinction may be negligible. Behavioral training to me involves an almost textbook set of positive and negative reinforcements and takes on a cold clinical quality that holds no appeal for me.
Now, let's leave sex out of it for the moment. I get a bunch of (submissive) men who are gung-ho about the idea of obedience training. It doesn't take long to discover that they expect to be instructed on how to act submissive.
I don't need a man, and surely not a middle-aged one, who needs to be shown how to "act" submissive. Wtf. He either has a submissive disposition or he doesn't, and at my age, I don't take on human projects.
If I'm going to perform a labor of love out of the goodness of my heart, it's going to be an investment of my time, effort and energy that I will expect to reap beaucoup (relationship) dividends on. End of story.
You spoke of "breaking resistance" and of "reshaping and remodeling the sub's psychology to suit the relationship."
We must have different concepts of compatibility. I don't see a sub as a new shoe that must be broken in or as a one-size-fits-all sub.
He will catch his own resistance to being the best partner that he can be for me, because his desire will motivate him to make whatever adjustments both he and I together will deem are necessary.
If he is unable to do so without constant external forces acting upon him, then he isn't suitable for me or for my purposes. My purpose is to enjoy the person that I have chosen to spend time with.
It really boils down to friendship. Do you pick your friends on the basis of how much resistance to cultivating your friendship with another that you experience?
Wouldn't that tell you that your friendship has started out on a shaky foundation?
Do you look at your close friendships as a reshaping and remodeling to your psychology type of project that your friend(s) are compelled to undertake?
Actually, the "treat" I was referring to had to do with activities that I don't happen to find erotic. Sexual humiliation can be erotic, depending on how it's played out. Even then, there has to be a matching up of humiliation triggers, meaning that certain factors have to line up.
I get nothing out of sexually humiliating a man I don't already have a great deal of respect for, respect that has either been earned or exhibited.
There has to be a pre-existing level of strong trust between us, bonds of friendship where we can both feel confident. He, in knowing that I would never violate his trust or step over the line, and me, in knowing that he can take whatever I dish out at my discretion.
Another component of humiliation is that for it to work for me, I have to feel that he knows he needs to be taken down a notch or two because he can be an arrogant bastard. Not the same as acting like a spoiled brat, btw.
Back to "treat." I was thinking more along the lines of the occasional minimal amount of cross-dressing, or if he has a tendency towards cuckolding, then making him jealous to a greater extent than what I would normally do (which I don't ordinarily try to do intentionally), or entertain the possibility of taking another sub under consideration who could supplant him.
If he wants to step up the pace on anal-receiving, or skirting the border of mild S&M, with more bondage elements thrown in, then those elements can get amped up.
In other words, there are activities that would not always be a part of our routine that he may wish were a standard practice, but which aren't usually high up on my list of priorities.
Make no mistake, if I cannot put my own erotic spin on something, I am not going through the motions for my sub's sake alone. We will both be getting a synergistic charge out of whatever we do, because lukewarm is not on my radar.
DreamLady
Edit - redundancy
< Message edited by dreamlady -- 10/9/2015 3:28:24 AM >
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