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RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 12:33:03 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		julia,
Where in the words of sub4hire did you make the leap that she was talking about you and your Dom? I believe she used words like "some" or "most"...but I didn't see her use "julia" or "Sinergy". Why on earth would you take someone else's opinion who is not only not a part of your relationship, but is also not even commenting directly on it...so personally?  After all, aren't we all entitled to have our "own" opinion even if it is different than "Sinergy's Way"?


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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 12:39:39 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Im not speaking of just her words, but other words also. I think it is condenscending to everyone that posted on here about using a safeword. I am allowed my opinion as others are allowed theirs.

and I am not speaking of just my personal situation as several people noted that they use safewords.. it isn't all about me.

It has nothing to do with anyone else but my perceptions.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 12:43:12 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		If you had read what I had to say you would have heard me say safe words have their place.
If you knew anything about me you'd know I run a BDSM group based on education.  People send me new people to the scene from all over.  Therefore I know a bit about how new people behave.  Nine out of Ten times you tell them to go slow and be safe they will not listen.
I have no idea who you are or how long you've been with your dom or even if you have a dom.  Therefore I would not comment on you as an individual.

I care more about learning about the lifestyle verses learning about people and their own issues.  Yes, I do have informed opinions.  No one ever said you had to like them.  Actually I'd prefer you did not because then we can have an educated discourse.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 12:44:55 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		There are two camps julia...people who like and believe in safewords....and people who don't. Just like as in many other things. Don't take it personally though. Stand firm in the camp you believe in.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 12:49:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Like I said, it wasn't just about what you said... I do not know you, you do not know me, I have found many your posts to be informative, and yes there was part of your post that wasn't completely condescending. There was part that I read that seemed a little so in my opinion. I really shouldn't have quoted you, it was the person that you quoted that I found to be more condescending..

Everyone, including darkinshadows has a right to an opinion.

I read two other Dominants on this very thread that use safewords at times... It is as though all the collective experience of these two was called into question and ridiculed, and they seem to me to be very capable ladies with much concern for their bottoms. I only know my own experience.

I am not saying that you called them into question... as I said, I should have not quoted you.
Peace, and I mean it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 1:20:04 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
There are two camps julia...people who like and believe in safewords....and people who don't. Just like as in many other things. Don't take it personally though. Stand firm in the camp you believe in.

For me, I don't use them or see them as necessary, but I'll still play with someone if they feel they want them. 

And I don't think that if you want a safeword then it means you shouldn't be playing.  Safewords can be a valid form of communication if used effectively. 

It's something ike saying "If you have to say the words "Stop cramp" in a scene, then you shouldn't be playing."  Saying "stop cramp" are completely valid things to say in a scene and it doesn't mean anything about anyone's ability or proficiency in playing.

I don't think that if you want a safeword then it means you shouldn't be playing.  Safewords can be a valid form of communication if used effectively.  The problems are that so many people put emotional baggage into the safeword that it loses any actual efficacy or use.

I just use normal communication methods without a special signal (verbal or otherwise).  Safewords aren't about how intimate or trusting or experienced a person is- they are a particular method of communication.  Use them or not.


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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 3:53:14 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Exactly, LA just said it much better than my attempt.

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(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 3:53:21 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
omgosh erin... tell me about it with my big IMO... for some bizarre reason, I thought the font had changed and it hadn't and I admit, I was way to lazy to go back and edit again... (it would have been my forth tonight with my crappy typing this evening...)
 
Actually, I am kind of surprised it didnt get more responses like that fart, erin... - I wonder what that says?
 
Yup, like I said... shouldnt be scening, IMO with someone who has to have a safeword.  Wanting one is different from having to have one.
 
If people like to use safewords, need them and like them - that is their choice.  But my point is the HAVE to have one.  If you HAVE to have a safeword - one should be questioning why... Is it because you do not trust the other person enough?  Or maybe the other person cannot read you well enough?  To me, thats dangerous territory and if you have to have a safeword, not need one - not want one... then you shouldn't be scening until you understand the reason why.
 
Julia - Judgements are not wrong.  They are just judgements.  I learnt that a long time ago.  They are going to happen.  If I make a judgement based on what I think and what I believe, that is my responsibility.  If your dominant for example, did open scening with others and not just you, and I was close to you and was open to such an occurance(this is all as an example btw - I know this wouldnt happen) - then if your dominant uses safewords because he has to, I just wouldnt participate.  My judgement on the situation.  Now if there is a valid reason for him to use a safeword, that is considered and the judgement made on that reason.  Simple as that.
 
Gloria - At what point should people be scening?  When they are acutely aware of all possibilites.  Does that happen always?  No it doesn't.  But that shouldnt stop people from standing up and be pointing out what is a good idea and what isnt.  Ok... so then you are infringing on the whole 'whats sane for one, isnt sane for another' territory, but it is just an opinion - a suggestion.  People can take it and use it as they will.  I have seen people scening when they can hardly stand straight they are so drunk.  Just because we suggest it isnt such a good idea because they may take out an eye with that whip, doesn't mean they have to heed what we are saying.  But at least we said it.
 
Julia - you think my words are condecending - I am not responsible for how you feel.  Something one needs to remember is that these are written words - you cannot see my face, or hear the vocal expressions.  You have to take time to get to know people, and talk through and discuss what they are actually saying before jumping to a concluesion or taking something personally.
 
The thing is - communication is far more important than safewords themselves.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 3:57:19 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Donaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaft?

One time I insisted that a sub use "Please fuck me in the ass instead, sir" as her safeword.  She was new.

quote:

ORIGINAL: enthralled

Knowing my luck, if I did have a dominant, he'd write my safeword on a 4"x6" postcard, with a 12point font, in German, and paste it on the wall ten feet in front of the cross I'm on  ..... LOL

(in reply to enthralled)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 4:06:19 PM   
ravn


Posts: 328
Joined: 3/16/2006
Status: offline 		I do not believe in safewords. I do not have a safeword when i am with my Master. HOWEVER....i have sessions here and there with others that have not had the time to work my limits and see where my boundaries are. It is still fun to play- but if i CANNOT  handle something, i will use my safeword ( which, btw IS banana...lol- funny you should mention it)
I will admit freely and openly that at a recent playparty i safeworded out of a fisting session- it was just too intense and had it gone one step further i would have dropped out of the swing from over-stimulation.
Safewords have their time and their place for everyone. It is not up to one person to decide and validate another's use of/need for a safeword.

Be well


_____________________________

Masochism is a valuable job skill.
Chuck Palahniuk
Love is a sweet tyranny, because the lover endureth his torments willingly.
~Proverb ( bring on the tyranny!)

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 4:11:29 PM   
lolipop


Posts: 34
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		In my opinion, the use of of safewords is dependent on the person. Ofcourse there is always the item dropping if you're gagged, etc.

To the people who are saying 'why can't you just say stop, blah blah':

A lot of people say 'stop' be it in a scene/roleplay situation (rape fantasy for example?), so that really wouldn't work. They don't actually want to stop, so for people like that a safeword can be useful.

I apologize if this sounds like gibberish, I'm half-asleep.

(in reply to ravn)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 4:15:15 PM   
Slipstreme


Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline 		Mine's penguin. Haven't used it yet though. :P

Thought this thread was to tell everyone what it was, not whether or not it is used, or the ethics and efficiency of using one.

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Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 4:21:21 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		To all the many vastly experienced, submissives and slaves; if you've ever experienced "sub-space" was vocalizing a safe word possible? If not what is the purpose of having one? If you maintain a portion of your analytical brain to analyze whether the sensation you are experiencing is safe word worthy; do you ever wonder what it would be like to surrender that aspect of yourself to your partner?

For those slaves and submissives playing with a safe word; as the dominant in the relationship would you ever consider switching and submitting to your partner?

The best safe words are time and trust. Not expressed as words but experienced first hand.

But it's great to see this topic again on the boards. I'm confident a definitive answer will be generated this time. After all, in theory, 1,000,000 monkeys typing for 1,000,000 years potentially can type out a copy of Homer's Iliad.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 4:21:32 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		Oh no, its the safeword thread AGAIN.  RUN  RUN FOR YOUR SANITY  RUN!

*deep calming breaths.  drink some chilled green tea.  think pleasant thoughts about my girl. *

Ok...I'm better now.  Some of the rhetoric on this subject has gotten so ridiculous (if you use a safeword you shouldn't be sceneing?  Please!)  So what follows is a very simple explanation of why I think safe words are good.

I have a very different take on safewords (this is a summary of things I've said before):    Did you ever think that a safeword might provide the Dominant some protection in the event that anyone subsequently challenges the actual giving of consent by the submissive?  hmmmm.  Maybe its NOT all about the subbie, always?

As a legal matter, WIIWD is probably not subject to consent.  Many jurisdictions do not allow a person to consent to battery.  Therefore should you find Yourself in the dock being charged with battery, or another criminal charge, as a result of having played too rough with someone, raising the defense of consent may or may not help. 

But in every jurisdiction, "consent" is a mitigating factor, and if you can prove your supposedly willing partner consented to the beating/etc. you probably will draw a much more reduced punishment.  That's "punishment" from the State I'm talking about.  Not "spanky spanky" but felony convictions, prision time, etc.  Real punishment.  So maybe lessening the severity of that outcome is a good thing.  You still with me?

How do you establish consent?  Well the fact that the bottom had the ability to stop what was going on but chose not to is pretty damn good evidence of consent.  So a safe word might protect a dominant.  I also find safewords appropriate for newcomers to the scene, and between people who are new to eachother, for many of the reasons posted over and over again.  Over all, I find the use of safewords morally and legally compelling.  But then again, what do I know?

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:12:06 PM   
WyrdRich


Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Oh no, its the safeword thread AGAIN.  RUN  RUN FOR YOUR SANITY  RUN!

E.



     Yeah, but it keeps coming up because there is a constant flow of new folk into the CM world and it IS a good question.

     Think of it as having a fire extinguisher in the house.  It's nice to know it's there but you still try not to ignite the house.  Safety in the scene is purely on the Dominant but sometimes crap happens and distractions occur.

     Another good reason to at least have one on the shelf is so both/all parties involved can indepently tell LE what it is on the off chance they come knocking on the door investigating a domestic violence call from that neighbor with the binoculars.

      And in the vain hope this thread might move back towards the OP, ours is 'cramp.'


(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:22:27 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Response noted darkinshadows..peace to you also.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:27:30 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I don't have a safeword, never had the need to use one...He knows me that well...

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Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:34:49 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		My take is that if you want a safe word, have one.  If you don't, don't.  If you don't want to scene with someone who uses or insists upon you having a safe word, then don't.  Gee, that was easy.

I don't have one with my Dom.  We just never discussed it and, thus far, we've done ok.  He's very careful...he watches my expressions and gauges the situation.  He's very safety conscious, so it hasn't been an issue thus far.  The one time I needed a "breather" because the rope was too tight...I said "The rope's too tight" and He adjusted it (course He told me to stop whining first).  Hmmm...maybe that's my safe word!  LOL!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:39:22 PM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		*Using fast reply*

Master has always used safe words. They are the standard "yellow" and "red" - I think I would have trouble remembering something like "watermelon" or "wheelbarrow" in the middle of an intense scene if something was wrong

This is something I posted on another board a few months ago, and I think it fits in here. The topic was about hard limits, I have snipped out the parts not relevant

We are not interested in breath play/choking, though face fucking is ok. If I feel too oxygen-deprived, I tap Him smartly 3 times on the leg or butt and He will pull back so I can breathe. I used to panic a bit but now I know that if I use that signal He will stop immediately.

Before we began our relationship He made sure I knew the safewords and when to use them. Even after two years together the words are still in place, but have only been used a handful of times. Because I was so new to BDSM, and to a lot of sex play even, I had no idea how I would react to anything. I admit I have gotten scared, not of Him but of myself and my own reactions and have stopped play sometimes when my body and brain got too overwhelmed with sensations!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Safe word… - 7/19/2006 5:53:01 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		I don't have a safeword and don't plan to. There is a house safeword for those who need or want it at the parties I go to, but I've never needed it nor been inclined to use it. The scenes I bottom in there is full communication going on throughout basically. The tops ask questions to see where I'm at, how I'm being affected and watch my reactions closely. One top is very, very sadistic as well as carefully observant.. Now I can see a safeword of some type for a role play scene, but in general play I see no need when open communication does just fine. That said, if others feel they need or want a safeword, that's their choice and I have no problem with it.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 40
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