RE: Dysfunctional Dominants

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SweetDommes -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 11:03:53 AM)
I had a reply typed out once already, but the forum logged me out for some reason sigh Anyway, I'm admittedly dysfuctional, but I don't think I fit the OP's description ... being dysfuctional is not a crime - not trying to fix it is. I take mood elevators for my psych issues, and as soon as I have insurance, I'll be seeing a doctor for something to prevent my depressive episodes (I'm tired of having them, however brief they may be), plus I'm working on my other "flaws" ... unfortunately, there are some that even the CDC doesn't know what to do about, so I'm kind of screwed on those. I'm human, therefore I have flaws ... but I am working on them. I don't expect people to ignore them, because well, they are there and that freight train is pretty big. I don't understand why there are so many people who think that Dominants are supposed to be perfect and infallible, but I keep running across it - from Dominants and submissives. Admitting that I have issues does not make me any less dominant, nor does it make me a worse dominant, so I don't understand those who refuse to admit that they might have made a mistake, or that they need help with an issue.

Caretakr -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 11:05:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes I had a reply typed out once already, but the forum logged me out for some reason sigh Anyway, I'm admittedly dysfuctional, but I don't think I fit the OP's description ... being dysfuctional is not a crime - not trying to fix it is. I take mood elevators for my psych issues, and as soon as I have insurance, I'll be seeing a doctor for something to prevent my depressive episodes (I'm tired of having them, however brief they may be), plus I'm working on my other "flaws" ... unfortunately, there are some that even the CDC doesn't know what to do about, so I'm kind of screwed on those. I'm human, therefore I have flaws ... but I am working on them. I don't expect people to ignore them, because well, they are there and that freight train is pretty big. I don't understand why there are so many people who think that Dominants are supposed to be perfect and infallible, but I keep running across it - from Dominants and submissives. Admitting that I have issues does not make me any less dominant, nor does it make me a worse dominant, so I don't understand those who refuse to admit that they might have made a mistake, or that they need help with an issue. This sort of thing is why I am taking a break. I'll think about something serious when I get stuff sorted out-pretty futile to start anything now.

juliaoceania -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 11:15:36 AM)
The thing is that people fixers come in both sexes.. women try to fix men and then feel worthless when they fail. I know one too many men that have the desire to rescue a damsel in distress and then are shocked to find out that they are the ones in distress. It is only a dysfunction if it impacts the quality of life for the couple negatively, if they enjoy fixing and their partner likes it, well then for them it is functioning... Just like that "other thread", one person's trash is another person's treasure.. just my thoughts

SweetDommes -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 11:18:09 AM)
Unfortunately, not all of my issues are "sort out-able" (last time I checked, a couple of months ago, chronic fatigue syndrome still didn't have a known cause or a known, effective treatment). With me, having someone here to help more than Holly and rob can (they already do a lot, but Holly has fibromyalgia) would help with a lot of my issues - like being constantly fatigued, and generally feeling like I have the flu, but without the puking. Having someone to help remind me to take my meds would be good too ... unfortunately, Holly and rob are rarely around when I get up to remind me, and I'm more likely to get them at the same time each day when I wake up vs when I get home from work. So we are (kind of) looking at this point - but we do make it clear that we do have issues, and if they don't like that then they need to move on.

WhiplashGirlChld -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 11:51:44 AM)
I found some submissives are such simply because they have never been able to make a decision in life about anything. I find it exhausting to dominate a person like that. On the flip side, some people take a dominant role out of an underlying distrust for the world and they must control all aspects of their lives. In some ways, the become dominant out of a fear of submission, and some become submissive out of a fear of being dominant. I find this is easily as much the case in vanilla relationships - or perhaps more so because they aren't tuning into the aspects of dominance and submission in their relationships. Perhaps in the best sense, BDSM can be therapeutic for people - by engaging us in a thoughtful process of examining our motivations, our behavior, our needs and desires - we are forced to catalogue them in a very real way. No one arrives at adulthood without some baggage - I just like to say mine all says Louis Vuitton on it. Extremely angry, violent, frustrated, impotent people who take a dominant role are a danger. They are dangerous in vanilla relationships, in the workplace, and particularly so in a BDSM relationship. They are not unique to this lifestyle, but perhaps they are given more reign to express something truly evil and hateful inside themselves. No single relationship can "fix" a person. That is an unfair thing to ask of any person. I think you have to fix your ownself and come to the table a whole person - and if you are lucky - discovering a more kinky aspect of your personality and learning to express it joyfully are part of the state of being "fixed", not part of expressing one's dysfunction and demons. Unfortunately it's hard to tell from the outside.

MHOO314 -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:00:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyrdRich There is another thread running at the moment that, somewhere between the flames and arrows, is trying to talk about subs/slaves who expect the Dom to fix all their internal issues. What about the other side? What about completely useless, waste of oxygen, hauling their baggage around in a Freightliner, losers, who declare themselves Dominant and expect everyone to ignore their flaws? And who is the one who will define "dysfunctional"? What are the terms--you have a better house? You make more money? So another is dysfunctional because they live in an apartment, make an hourly wage? Is that the definition? Or because they have issues? What about depth of emotion, compassion, tenderness-what price tag do you put on those? How does being a Dominant in that scenario differ from humanity--so many variations on a theme----how arrogant we are to think we are better than---pffftttt.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:02:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyrdRich There is another thread running at the moment that, somewhere between the flames and arrows, is trying to talk about subs/slaves who expect the Dom to fix all their internal issues. What about the other side? What about completely useless, waste of oxygen, hauling their baggage around in a Freightliner, losers, who declare themselves Dominant and expect everyone to ignore their flaws? Wow that is sooo weird I used to drive a Freightliner when I drove 18-wheeler OTR.Boy did I have a lot of baggage...On the road for weeks at time had to have all that stuff.I declare Myself to be a Dominant... One more thing....its hard to ignore flaws I dont have. Wait one last thing...I grew up in a dysfuntional family...I dont think I ever grew out of it.

SexyRed -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:11:49 PM)
Dysfunctional Dom or subs for that matter, are those that do not grow within themselves, with the relationship and who do not seek help for their problems, either with their partner or for other issues. Being dysfunctional in a relationship means you do not get along, there are lies, manipulation, infidelity, dishonesty and abuse that is non-consensual. My last one blamed his behavior on bi-polar, but never took the meds or went for help; he would just say, You don't like it? This is who I am, fuck it or leave it." As I said in another thread, when Doms are dysfunctional, they wield their power and the desires of the submissive as weapons of mass destruction instead of a fluid, adult, power exchange where both parties receive pleasure from what they are doing and where communication is accepted. When you find yourself constantly unhappy in a relationship with a dysfunctional Dom and you have tried every way of communication to fix it, they you become dysfunctional yourself, as you feel so horrible when being with them, even if you loved them. Somehow, you have to decide when enough is enough and leave.

Caretakr -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:14:37 PM)
You have to realize your flaws before you can repair them. The next step is to realize you know basically nothing, in the grand scheme of things. There has to be a hunger for knowledge, for new thoughts and experiences. Stagnation is living death. I have had a few people in the past tell me that I have deep thoughts,or expressed things wisely. I don't see it that way. I just have moments of clarity, where the divine is a little stronger than usual. I treasure those moments, I wish I had more of them. Most days I'm just the usual fallible animal,struggling with the needs of life, and wondering where I picked up all of this damned baggage...and why I can't dump more of it. But still, I carry that spark inside......the positive aspect, my little bit of God...... That keeps saying....."Things can be good, just let go of the armour-and I'll grow.........." And that makes it all worthwhile.[;)]

WhiplashGirlChld -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:16:48 PM)
quote: A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead! Off topic - but I am stealing your quote.

Caretakr -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:17:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed Dysfunctional Dom or subs for that matter, are those that do not grow within themselves, with the relationship and who do not seek help for their problems, either with their partner or for other issues. Being dysfunctional in a relationship means you do not get along, there are lies, manipulation, infidelity, dishonesty and abuse that is non-consensual. My last one blamed his behavior on bi-polar, but never took the meds or went for help; he would just say, You don't like it? This is who I am, fuck it or leave it." As I said in another thread, when Doms are dysfunctional, they wield their power and the desires of the submissive as weapons of mass destruction instead of a fluid, adult, power exchange where both parties receive pleasure from what they are doing and where communication is accepted. When you find yourself constantly unhappy in a relationship with a dysfunctional Dom and you have tried every way of communication to fix it, they you become dysfunctional yourself, as you feel so horrible when being with them, even if you loved them. Somehow, you have to decide when enough is enough and leave. And you know, it works exactly the same with a dysfunctional sub. The poison hurts anyone,it matters not who they are...it only needs to touch you.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:17:19 PM)
Although i will probably get slammed for this, as i have been assiduously avoiding stepping in to these controversies, you can not get past anything that you won't forgive, whether it is yourself that you need to forgive or others. As long as one continues to stoke the fire of his/her own resentments and wounds, new growth is not possible.

Caretakr -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:20:34 PM)
Nods, sighs and decides it's time to talk to his best buddy about it. He's always there.

SexyRed -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:24:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr quote: ORIGINAL: SexyRed Dysfunctional Dom or subs for that matter, are those that do not grow within themselves, with the relationship and who do not seek help for their problems, either with their partner or for other issues. Being dysfunctional in a relationship means you do not get along, there are lies, manipulation, infidelity, dishonesty and abuse that is non-consensual. My last one blamed his behavior on bi-polar, but never took the meds or went for help; he would just say, You don't like it? This is who I am, fuck it or leave it." As I said in another thread, when Doms are dysfunctional, they wield their power and the desires of the submissive as weapons of mass destruction instead of a fluid, adult, power exchange where both parties receive pleasure from what they are doing and where communication is accepted. When you find yourself constantly unhappy in a relationship with a dysfunctional Dom and you have tried every way of communication to fix it, they you become dysfunctional yourself, as you feel so horrible when being with them, even if you loved them. Somehow, you have to decide when enough is enough and leave. And you know, it works exactly the same with a dysfunctional sub. The poison hurts anyone,it matters not who they are...it only needs to touch you. Absolutely agreed. As I stated in my first line, dysfunction applies to Doms and subs alike. It is perhaps more apparent with Doms since they get to use the power more "visibly". A sub can be dysfunctional in a more subtle way, but the same poison is excreted.

SexyRed -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:26:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WhiplashGirlChld quote: A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead! Off topic - but I am stealing your quote. Feel free, if you are a redhead, go for it!

justheather -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:42:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 quote: And who is the one who will define "dysfunctional"? What are the terms--you have a better house? You make more money? So another is dysfunctional because they live in an apartment, make an hourly wage? Is that the definition? Or because they have issues? What about depth of emotion, compassion, tenderness-what price tag do you put on those? How does being a Dominant in that scenario differ from humanity--so many variations on a theme----how arrogant we are to think we are better than---pffftttt. Oh my gosh, MHOO I almost completely agree with you. Did anyone else feel the disturbance in the force? Too much emphasis is placed, and most often I think by the subs, and that includes me, on doms being somehow baggage-free. Too many people think that a "true" dom "should" be the breadwinner, provider, master, protector, spider-killer, knows-no-fear, psychologist, uber-evolved being who saves them from having to earn a living, pay for their own movie ticket, deal with their own emotions, drive a crappy car, actually seek out professional therapy (and pay for it) and find (and stay on) their own path. Lots of people dont expect all this, but I think the danger exists. Some of the coolest people Ive met so far in my life cant seem to balance their checkbooks. Some of the most insightful people Ive met, poets, lovers, dreamers....have enough difficulty taking responsibility for their own emotional health to take on the task of caretaker for mine. That's why partnerships are supposed to be based on mutual respect and a desire to bring out the best in the person you are with. Of course, that said, sure, there are some major you-know-what-holes out there who call themselves doms. There are some major you-know-what-holes out there calling themselves accountants too, so I keep my radar up in most new situations (especially around April 15ht) just to be safe.

Dauric -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:43:03 PM)
It's an old story, but always true: A man seeks a zen master for wisdom. The zen master offers the man tea. The zen master pours tea in to the man's cup, till the cup is overflowing and the tea flows down the side of the cup and in to the saucer. The man tries to see some wisdom in the tea going in to the saucer, about flow and gravity, but he Zen master continues pouring till the saucer is overflowing. Finally the man says "Stop, you'll spill tea all over." The zen master stops pouring and sits back smiling. "Exactly. Until you empty your cup, I cannot serve you more tea." Take from it what you will. $0.02 Dauric.

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 12:58:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr That keeps saying....."Things can be good, just let go of the armour-and I'll grow.........." And that makes it all worthwhile.[;)] You know, this is only my perception over this imperfect medium, but I feel as though I've seen some of your armour come down since you've been posting. My first impression of you has changed a lot. I'm only speculating, because this is just a forum and not real life, but I feel as though you are hard at work, and making progress.

Dauric -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 1:01:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justheather quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 And who is the one who will define "dysfunctional"? <snip> Oh my gosh, MHOO I almost completely agree with you. Did anyone else feel the disturbance in the force? Too much emphasis is placed, and most often I think by the subs, and that includes me, on doms being somehow baggage-free. <snip> Well... there are dysfunctionals. People who abuse their partners, who cross rather than push limts are a chief example. But on the whole I completely agree with the post. As far as the "Uber-Dom" It's not just a D/s thing, it's another people thing. "Prince Charming" is the archetype that I have a desprate need to beat the living s41t out of. It's the fantasy being used as a guide to life in reality. I'm not perfect, I don't expect anyone else to be. I am who I am. On that note I do challenge myself to be better today than I was yesterday. Easier said than done, but an admirable trait, at least I think so. On that note of what I think, I don't want to find a "Perfect" sub.. I don't even want to 'teach' a "perfect" sub... I want to have , one way or another, the "Perfect sub for me." May you all find your perfect companions. But then that's just my $0.02 Dauric.

Caretakr -> RE: Dysfunctional Dominants (7/23/2006 1:07:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful quote: ORIGINAL: Caretakr That keeps saying....."Things can be good, just let go of the armour-and I'll grow.........." And that makes it all worthwhile.[;)] You know, this is only my perception over this imperfect medium, but I feel as though I've seen some of your armour come down since you've been posting. My first impression of you has changed a lot. I'm only speculating, because this is just a forum and not real life, but I feel as though you are hard at work, and making progress. I hate my armor, it's killing me. I'd rather feel pain, than die inside of it. It has to go.

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