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RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 12:51:32 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well I do appreciate all of the replies.
I also agree I've learned a lot on this site in the past few months, and am sure I will contiue to do so.

I agree w/dark in shadows that Domiants and submissives have much to offer in terms fo things they could tell someone about, and offerring their possibly relevant experience to a newbie.

I do realize the dangers of Mentors being out ther who may just want to groom a submissive to be their own.  

While I do realize everyone may well have something to offer in terms of experience, and also realize that some (certainly not anyone I'd want as mine) Mentors can try to teach the "one true way", etc. in regard to whatever, I can't seem to get past the idea that it would be nice to have one single person who knew me well enough to know which advice I might need to heed more than other  pieces of advice, that would know me well enough to know what kind of Dominant might be really good for me, (even though I'd be the one to make any fnal decision there, along with any Dominant, of course).

*I feel like I really screwed up making a choice with my marital relationship. It all looked perfect at the beginning - and I am no dummy, and usually a pretty good judge of character. The relationship was a mess after a few years, and I didn't realize there were red flags I could  have watched for, and would, if I had it to do over. *I am very leery of making such a mistake twice - another reason I'd like a Mentor. I know they won't make any decision like that for me, but might give relevant feedback, I would not otherwise have thought to consider.

I do realize the potential dangers. But on the whole, the positives seem to out-weight the negatives (at least for me).

I still would appreciate any other thoughts anyone has to offer. I am listening, even if I might seem opinionated about some points. I have certainly not come to a final conclusion re: How I am going to approch this for myself. Thnaks.

- Susan       

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2006 12:59:35 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 12:52:58 PM   
Submotive


Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am asking this question for future reference. I realize opinions may vary, but feel I might need to know this. I really want to know.
Are there "do's" and "don'ts"for both the Dominant and the submissive in a mentoring relationship ? I've read a little bit about this, but am interested in hearing it from actual people, vs. books or articles.

Replies from Dominants who have actually mentored a submissive would be most welcome, but any replies from anyone are indeed welcome. I am not looking for one right now, I just want to know what to look for, maybe, if I decide I need one.

Thanks much. I really appreciate it.

- Susan


Hi Susan - from a sub/slave perspective, i've found tremendous value in having a mentor. mine was online and of the same sexual preference as myself - straight. She a Domina, i a sub/slave.

i think people tend to get very caught up in "how is it supposed to be" rather than just relating to one another as individuals. That is what's the most important thing to me. What i believe is important is to question the mentor's motives for mentoring you. For example i had so-called male mentors who really just wanted easy obedience and sex. So i learned - a male mentor for me - not a good idea. W/we can get so caught up in the "how to's" and definitions of things that W/we forget to just be who W/we are, ask questions, be respectul, courteous and considerate and take the responses from the standpoint of being able to think for ourselves, not feeling that we are required to obey anyone other than who we consciously and knowlingly consent to obey.

The relationship with the mentor i had was always much more of a friendship. It still is and always will be, hopefully. my mentor was someone who understood, was there when i needed a hand to hold, sometimes when She wanted Her hand held, offered opinions, guidance, even occasionally set me back in place, but predominantly a very caring and loving frienship. A mentor is meant to be a teacher and a guide, imho. i am and always will be thankful for this relationship. It's a wonderful part of my life. Hope this helps you.


_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 12:55:59 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the thoughtful reply, submotive. I appreciate it.

I guess then, I have a related question:

Q: *To anyone who has actually mentored someone (if you haven't already answered this)- how did you do it?" What did you do? Thnaks.

- Susan  

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Submotive)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:00:02 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Well I do appreciate all of the replies.
I also agree I've learned a lot on this site in the past few months, and am sure I will contiue to do so.

I agree w/dark in shadows that Domiants and submissives have much to offer in terms fo things they could tell someone about, and offerring their possibly relevant experience to a newbie.

I do realize the dangers of Mentors being out ther who may just want to groom a submissive to be their own.  

While I do realize everyone may well have something to offer in terms of experience, and also realize that some (certainly not anyone I'd want as mine) Mentors can try to teach the "one true way", etc. in regard to whatever, I can't seem to get past the idea that it would be nice to have one single person who knew me well enough to know which advice I might need to heed more than other  pieces of advice, that would know me well enough to know what kind of Dominant might be really good for me, (even though I'd be the one to make any fnal decision there, along with any Dominant, of course).

I do realize the potemtial dangers. But on the whole, the positives seem to out-weight the negatives (at least for me).

I still would appreciate any other thoughts anyone has to offer. I am listening, even if I might seem opinionated about some points. I have certainly not come to a final conclusion re: How I am going to approch this for myself. Thnaks.

- Susan       


You keep focusing on "the one".

As I previously stated, this can be very bad news-don't go there. Even if you think it fair to you, it may not be for the other person.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:01:33 PM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Mavis. I am "surprised."
I'm surprised at *How Much* I've learned in this site in the last 5 weeks or so!


LOL. i understand that!  It's amazing how many of my firmly held beliefs are tested and discarded or held after reading here.  The array of experiences and attitudes is so wide, i love it.

then, ya sometimes find idiots that admit they had to go three days without... 
(old thread reference, off-topic joke)

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:07:38 PM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		BTW as a vanilla comparison think Big Brothers Big Sister's programs as a model for Mentoring.

Mentors can be the Big Brother Big Sister that has been around the block a couple times and can help you learn your own way around.

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:09:34 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Homestead: Who said anything about "The One"? I should maybe correct what I said, or the impression I maybe am giving:

I am not looking for "the One". I don't believe in the concept. I do believe some people are either better suited, or horridly suited, to eachother. On the other hand, I am not sure, at my age, I am very willing to waste the few good years I have left running around, blindly "trying out" whoever wends my way, in hopes that it might work out. I wasted a good part of my twenties doing just that.

I know all relationships are a risk. But - there is such as thing as an educated guess, and I would rather go that route, and find someone who is mostly good for me and right for me. When I am choosing a partner, I do have  vulnerable side that I am sure will come out, and perhaps color my judgment.

However, fortunately, my marriage was so horrid for me, that I am determined to keep my head on straight when seeking any LTR in the future. I am willing to have a casual liason or two, for fun, and also willing to work hard and be patient, and see if things work out. But- frankly, if the phrase LTR just isn't in a potential Dominant's vocabulary then I will not consider them in any serious context.

I am also open to (even though I haven't tried it yet) being Poly, which some just don't believe in, and I am sure this cuts out some people as potentials. I also have a Switchy side that I think maybe will have eventual needs that I might want to fulfill. So, this whole seeking thing gets complicated, perhaps. One reason I feel I might do well with a Mentor to help. Hopefully, there would be someone who would be willing to express their opinions to me about things like this (and I would not -truly - hold them "accountable" for the outcome). I'd just feel more comfortable w/someone holding my hand, so to speak, as far as that part goes, in particular. 

Please notice that I did not use the word marriage. I was married once, and right now, I am thinking that was quite enough for me. I would someday appreciate a quality, loving, fulfilling LTR, though. Marriage isn't out of the question, it would just take awhile for me to warm up to the idea, probably. As far as all the supposed "benefits" of marriage, well, I have a sister who is an attorney to handle those issues (and she can).

Sorry for my tone, I just feel pretty strongly about this is all. Not meant to be disrespectful at all.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2006 1:58:53 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:17:29 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Susan, just an idea. How about 3 Mentors instead of only one?

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:24:14 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		popeye: I'd get their advice confused, I think. The reason I want one person would be to avoid confusion. But, I need to think about all this. Thanks for the reply, though.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:32:59 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
The one thing that I see in your postings on this susan is the focus on one mentor - not as in 'the one' - but just a single mentor.  And that is where you can be treading on dangerous territory and what people like Home are suggesting you be careful about.
 
Mentors are not there to make your decisions for you.  Nor are they there to tell you or suggest the best course of action.  They are there to learn from and to lead as an example.  They teach without having to train - thats the difference.  From your description - you are talking more like a trainer or a dominant who would, for all intent and purposes would be a protection.  But if you are strong and understand yourself and your limits and have your own brain - IMO - you do not need a protector.  Your posts and personality come across as far from someone who is weak and indecisive.
 
Try not to get caught up in the thought that you only require or need one mentor at a time.  You may have a woman who is a mentor, a male dominant, a workmate, someone from online, someone in realtime... everyone has something you can learn from and more about yourself, just by interacting with them.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:33:12 PM   
BillsGalSusan


Posts: 69
Joined: 7/18/2006
Status: offline 		Just from the little bit I've seen of you, Susan, I'm betting that when the time comes that you feel ready to look for a dominant partner, you'll do just fine. If you happen to make a friend or two and want  to talk to them about your concerns as you begin your search, then that sounds like a fine idea. You're a smart lady though, and I wouldn't substitute anyone else's judgement for your own. Listen, evaluate, learn, but retain control of the process.

Another Susan

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:35:11 PM   
DoctorDubious


Posts: 267
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

90% of the time "mentors" in the scene are really just doms-being-patient and using their "mentoring" as a way to make the sub feel safe enough to trust them and then lay the groundwork to become their dom. 


Seeing as I'm an independant old goat,
and not "in the scene"....

.... I was wondering about that very point.

"Lay the groundwork" is a sly and elegant phrase,
however inadvertant/intentional  it may have been.


DD  an old goat with an ear for puns.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:39:30 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		dark in shadows: I do understand what you are saying. I really do. I don't really want physical training - but I would want advice. I'd especially want advice about (among other things) sorting through some of emotional "goo" I am bound to get into when I start seeking. I want to do it (eventually seek a partner), but, due to past experiences, it is very scary for me in some ways (I am sure I am not alone in this, too). I actually would like a Mentor who would express an opinion or two on Dominants I might get serious about, sort of like a father might do. If I thought I could ever talk to my own dad about this (I won't, he wouldn't get it, and I don't want to upset him) then I would. I am hoping someone out there can help me with this when the time comes. 

I know this might sound unconventional, but I feel it is a real need of mine. No, they would not be making my decisions for me. They might be giving me some pretty pertinent feed-back about them, though, and get me to think some things through I may not have otherwise considered. I can get very confused when I get advice from several people at the same time. I can read these boards and take in and sift information for myself, no problem.

But - I want somebody who knows me, really knows me, if I ask a question of them that is going to have long-term personal ramifications in my life. I am also a pretty good judge of character, and like to think I would pick a good Mentor, someone whose judgment and opinions I mostly respect to begin with.

Any "one true wayers" would be out of the question (truly) as far as me wanting them for a Mentor. By that, I don't mean differentiating, for instance, the difference between a submissive and a slave (because I think there is a distinct difference there), but rather what I consider to be petty questions such as: Is it okay for submissives to open doors for a Dominant or vice versa, or how someone should kneel, or always using the term Master vs. Sir vs. My Lord, etc. I think that requiring specifics of someone in these instances, or else not considering them to be "real" is horse patootey (the exception might be is if one is a Gorean, I suppose, which I am not). If any potential Mentor didn't well, they woudn't be the Mentor for me, I guess. 

I don't think I'd need micro-management. I'd need someone with excellent judgment who is also perhaps bit like me in terms of outlook, I suppose.

But I do appreciate what you said, and I understand it, and I do feel there are a few (not many, but a few) people I can ask advice of now, if I need to do that, about personal bdsm stuff. I haven't actually tried it much, truth be told. I do get a lot out of reading these message boards, though.

- Susan   

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2006 2:11:42 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 1:46:29 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		BillsGal Susan: Thank you. You don't probably realize just how much I appreciate that comment.Although I may put up an excellent front (apparently), I still feel pretty shaky inside some days.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2006 2:16:06 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to BillsGalSusan)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 2:20:45 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Mavis: I just saw and read your post. I don't know how I missed it, but it was excellent. I am certainly open to an arrangement like this, even if it's not foramlly called "Mentoring" - it sounds like it worked great for you, which is the bottom-line concern anyway. Thanks.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/4/2006 2:21:03 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Mavis)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 2:27:20 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		Susan,the point I am making, is only having one allows nor checks and balances on that one.

Let me put it this way. I'm an intelligent and empathic man. Were I not to know in my gut that deception will not serve by best long term interests-I could very easy be astoundingly manipulative with someone. Not a word I said would be a lie-I know lies can be exposed.

I would not puff up, but play the humble instead.  I'd do nothing but offer postive and pertinent input. And if I were hiding an agenda-you would not spot it in time.

So here's the deal. Set a clear boundary, it will never go to a relationship-not an option.

AND have a few other people to bounce it off of-never put too much trust and faith in any one person.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? - 8/4/2006 2:31:55 PM   
skarredwolf18


Posts: 8
Joined: 3/30/2006
Status: offline 		oh...oh...i can tell ya...i'm in a mentoring relatinoship right now.. well basically it's like,...uh..like pre-school. He or she acts like a "pre-dom"
teaching new subs "the ropes" so to speak. Things aren't really official. I'm not owned...uh,..not officially.I don't call him master...Get my drift???

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: What exactly is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a ... - 8/4/2006 2:59:10 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Homestead: I see yyour point. It's well taken, and I  will remember it. Thanks.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? - 8/4/2006 3:00:12 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		skarredwolf18: I getcha. Thanks for the reply from someone who is in one now.

- Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to skarredwolf18)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: What is a Mentor supposed to do for-with a submssive? - 8/4/2006 3:00:16 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		To Susan:

What makes you think having ONE MENTOR will really change in your life versus doing what you've been doing so far? 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to skarredwolf18)
Profile   Post #: 60
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