Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers Page: <<   < prev  10 11 [12] 13 14   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 5:30:43 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

LA, you have wondered for a long time why I didn't follow everyone's advice when they told me to dump him. The reality is, I live in a small town in Kansas and there is nobody in my area into bdsm that doesn't expect casual sex on the first or second meeting.........nobody  except him. I never would have put up with his shit if it wasn't for that. I want you and everyone else to know that. Nothing will ever come of occasional sessions with a distant partner. It would be easy for me to find someone new if I threw my values out the window and had sex with guys the first time I met them. But wouldn't they be using me too? I need some advice here. Which is better, putting up with him or being used for sex? Those are my only options.


I live in an area where that is a problem too, I just chose to date someone 4 hours away and that this relationship structure was worth the possibility of relocation since I hate my current city. I am losing nothing and I am going to graduate school anyways in his area.. open yourself up to new possibilities, and never let the lack of available men be an excuse to be used as a doormat. Personally speaking, sex just isn't that important to me, neither is getting beaten or tied or humiliated.. or anally ravaged.. nothing is more important than knowing the person doing those things to me REALLY digs me.!

Never compromise yourself... I would rather have someone to hold hands with, walk with, wake up with in the morning that truly adored me than have all the kinky sex in the world... kink does nothing for me if I am not secure enough to enjoy it.

You sound a little frenzied about your submission. It sounds as though you were so anxious to submit that you were willing to overlook the way he treated you. There is nothing innately wrong with that, what I think many of us are saying is learn from it and do not repeat the same mistake twice and take ownership of the mistake because it sounds like he was honest about where you stood with him.  You just didn't want to accept it.

You teach people how to treat you.. and that is an empowering concept that is deep and abiding if you learn it... you will not be treated badly again once you understand that statement. But understanding that statement means you quit projecting your bad choices on to others and taking responsibility. You knew he wasn't into you all along, and you went for it and allowed yourself to love someone that didn't love you. I have been there myself,... it hurts and it sucks and I was angry... but I knew I was responsible for letting him treat me like that, and I am no one's victim. .. I hope you decide you are not a victim too.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 221
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 5:53:37 PM   
utterlybutterfli


Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline 		I want you and everyone else to know that. Nothing will ever come of occasional sessions with a distant partner. It would be easy for me to find someone new if I threw my values out the window and had sex with guys the first time I met them. But wouldn't they be using me too? I need some advice here. Which is better, putting up with him or being used for sex? Those are my only options.

I don't even know why I'm replying to this post..maybe I'm a little evangelistic about romance at the moment - or maybe I'd just like you to see life in a more glass half full way...and you did ask for some advice
I have a relationship with a man who lives a long(ish) distance away. It has been very tough, For both of us. We had both  some quite serious issues at the start. Its been over a month since I've seen him.
Do I have a regular play partner? No
Did I have sex with him the first or second time i met him? No.
Is he using me, bearing in mind when we do see eachother we now do have (lovely) sex? No.
Have we worked on our problems and come out of it with a promising and loving relationship. Hell, yes Girl!

Theres more than one way to have a relationship with someone. Sometimes the distance makes the heart grow a little fonder, yanno?! What you have stated are not your only options. Use your imagination

(in reply to losttreasure)
Profile   Post #: 222
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 6:15:23 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I only played hard a couple of times, following the advice of a relationship book called The Rules (which goes by the philosophy that men thrive on challenge). Playing games isn't my nature........open and honest is. That's why I only tried it twice. I've been in one 4 yr relationship and one 8 yr relationship. If I wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship, I wouldn't have had 2 that lasted so long. The Jerk will try to come running back.....there's no question there. He's with a vanilla girl that doesn't meet his needs and has been bitching because he can't find any other bondage partner that doesn't expect sex. He's having the same problem I am. Maybe someday I will find someone. In the meantime, I have bondage needs that need to be met. Should I forget my morals and have sex with  guys the first or second time I meet them, or should I take the jerk back? Like I said, relocation isn't an option. I'm going to get used either way. Which is the lesser of the 2 evils?

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 223
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 6:30:49 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I know I'm responsible for putting up with him. He has dumped me more than once and when he did, I was out trying to find someone else who would do bondage without sex. If I had found someone in my area willing to do that, I never would have taken him back. I'm glad you found someone. Even though his home is 4 hours away from your hometown , you're graduating from a college near him, so you must be in his area. Best of luck to you juliaoceania.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 224
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 6:55:10 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		You've already established your wiling to be treated like crap to get your needs filed,  so why not just give up and sleep with anyone you can get to tie you up?

Or better yet, figure out it is ok to be alone
                                     it is ok to be without the kink
and just let it all slide until you find a situation and a person you can make something work with.

or you can keep on whining

K

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 225
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 7:12:51 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

You've already established your wiling to be treated like crap to get your needs filed,  so why not just give up and sleep with anyone you can get to tie you up?

Or better yet, figure out it is ok to be alone
                                    it is ok to be without the kink
and just let it all slide until you find a situation and a person you can make something work with.

or you can keep on whining

K



Now, PlayfulOne, that's just too much like common sense!

She has *needs* y'know...*needs* I tell ya!

juliet

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 226
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 7:13:46 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Of course it's ok to be alone. I'd rather be alone .......as long as I'm able to find someone in a reasonable amount of time. My situation makes that impossible. I'm only saying that as a statement of fact.

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 227
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 7:33:12 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		This link might be helpful - it has some information on kink in kansas :-)

http://www.fetishexchange.org/groups3.shtml#KS

Actually anyone can use the link - just click on your state and it will give a listing.

< Message edited by velvetears -- 9/5/2006 7:34:59 PM >

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 228
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 7:36:00 PM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I only played hard a couple of times, following the advice of a relationship book called The Rules (which goes by the philosophy that men thrive on challenge). Playing games isn't my nature........open and honest is. That's why I only tried it twice. I've been in one 4 yr relationship and one 8 yr relationship. If I wasn't mature enough to handle a relationship, I wouldn't have had 2 that lasted so long. The Jerk will try to come running back.....there's no question there. He's with a vanilla girl that doesn't meet his needs and has been bitching because he can't find any other bondage partner that doesn't expect sex. He's having the same problem I am. Maybe someday I will find someone. In the meantime, I have bondage needs that need to be met. Should I forget my morals and have sex with  guys the first or second time I meet them, or should I take the jerk back? Like I said, relocation isn't an option. I'm going to get used either way. Which is the lesser of the 2 evils?


You clearly are comfortable being used and you appear to get involved in situations that make it a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You've made up your mind that being used is going to happen, so why do you feel the need to continue on this thread?

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 229
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 7:41:45 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I'm not sure what you are trying to get out of this post. It's 12 pages now....and most of the people on here are saying basically the same thing to you. Do you think all of them are wrong? Do you think that all of the people on all of the other posts you have made are wrong too? For months now, people have been saying the same thing to you. Lots of people. But the only people that you seem to hear at all are the ones who show you "kindness".

I'm sorry that you have chosen to view me as "harsh" and "attacking". That's not been my intent. I see no reason to wrap my advice in sugar ribbons and decorate it with Bon Bons to make it more appealing to you. The advice has been sound. So has the advice that has been given to you by the majority of people who actually took the time to read this and your other threads. To every possible solution you have been given you have an excuse why you can't. To every suggestion that you also have a responsibility in this....you tell us why it's all his fault.

If someone takes advantage of you, uses you and treats you like shit.....the first time I say shame on them....after that it's shame on you for allowing them to. I know that you keep saying "but he's the only one in my area"....but I can tell you this....if I were in your shoes....I wouldn't care if he was the last man on earth.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 230
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 8:05:21 PM   
nefertari


Posts: 425
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I'm not sure what you are trying to get out of this post. It's 12 pages now....and most of the people on here are saying basically the same thing to you. Do you think all of them are wrong? Do you think that all of the people on all of the other posts you have made are wrong too? For months now, people have been saying the same thing to you. Lots of people. But the only people that you seem to hear at all are the ones who show you "kindness".

I'm sorry that you have chosen to view me as "harsh" and "attacking". That's not been my intent. I see no reason to wrap my advice in sugar ribbons and decorate it with Bon Bons to make it more appealing to you. The advice has been sound. So has the advice that has been given to you by the majority of people who actually took the time to read this and your other threads. To every possible solution you have been given you have an excuse why you can't. To every suggestion that you also have a responsibility in this....you tell us why it's all his fault.

If someone takes advantage of you, uses you and treats you like shit.....the first time I say shame on them....after that it's shame on you for allowing them to. I know that you keep saying "but he's the only one in my area"....but I can tell you this....if I were in your shoes....I wouldn't care if he was the last man on earth.


*Applauds*

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 231
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 8:08:34 PM   
DomSA


Posts: 19
Joined: 8/29/2006
Status: offline 		Kansas
  • Kansas City: Alternative Hedonistic Source
  • MOMunch
  • Topeka: Kink In Northeast Kansas; monthly munches, demos and play parties soon
  • Wichita: Twister Temptations Kansas; munches, play parties and demos

    Here are a few links to help you find someone in your area.  No where in Kansas is more than a couple hours drive from these cities.  Good luck.

    (in reply to nefertari)
    • Profile   Post #: 232
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 8:16:44 PM   
    mstrjx


    Posts: 2045
    Joined: 11/27/2005
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

    I'd rather be alone .......as long as I'm able to find someone in a reasonable amount of time.


    I have no business being here.  I really don't.  But I thought I spied something like this in another of the posts on this thread and I didn't say anything.  Now, I can be silent no longer.

    Stop whatever it is you're doing, thinking, or not thinking, and read what you have written.  I know you mean it.  I don't know how many times I've asked people 'is it that you just 'can't' be alone?' and I always get a dumbfounded expression.  But that is EXACTLY what you are saying.

    I know I don't belong in this conversation because I'm the polar opposite, but I have seen this before, so here I am.  If you can't understand how riddled your body is with tattoos all saying 'VICTIM', then you haven't looked in a mirror lately.

    I know that's ugly, and I wish I didn't feel so utterly compelled to say it in just this way.

    I know you need to find someone.  If you really do have the leanings and urges that 'require' you to be on a site like this, please listen to this advice.

    Create a new profile, use a different picture, hope that the people who have been reading this thread for the last couple of days forget, or that the people you start to meet never saw any of this.

    Stop.  Look.  Listen.  Learn.  Go slow.  If you can't be alone, I'm sorry but I do understand.  I have heard it before.

    Be careful.  For yourself.  You need to look out for yourself, because I'm not too certain how many friends you've made from this experience.

    Jeff

    _____________________________

    Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

    (in reply to defiantbadgirl)
    Profile   Post #: 233
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 10:43:24 PM   
    texancutie


    Posts: 322
    Joined: 7/23/2005
    Status: offline     		Gosh people have gotten all harsh and cynical...sigh.   The facts are that this poor woman needs to read up more on BDSM, she needs help not ridicule...and also that that guy is no Trainer.  The OP obviously has no clue what a Trainer is.  Regardless of what anyone personally thinks about Trainers.  That guy is just a vanilla who likes kink now and then.   He also thinks that he can have his cake and eat it too.

    Also, real, good and honest Dominants or Masters won't want to have sex with you the first or second meet.  It is up to you to set your boundaries.  Most who are interested will respect them.  The ones who don't are not worth it and need to be avoided at all costs.  Can anyone say pussy predators? 

    (in reply to mstrjx)
    Profile   Post #: 234
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 11:54:12 PM   
    Estring


    Posts: 3314
    Joined: 1/1/2004
    Status: offline     		When you have read probably a hundred of these same type of posts, and when the girl is obviously looking for sympathy, not help, it is easy to be cynical.

    _____________________________

    Boycott Whales!

    (in reply to texancutie)
    Profile   Post #: 235
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/6/2006 12:41:33 AM   
    defiantbadgirl


    Posts: 2988
    Joined: 11/14/2005
    Status: offline     		He's finding out he can't have his cake and eat it too. He wants to have me on the side now and I'm refusing to do any bondage with him without dating. He tried to find someone else since I refused and he found out nobody in our area except me is willing to have bondage without sex. Boy is he ever pissed lol. Looks like instead of having his cake and eating it too, he ended up screwing himself.

    (in reply to texancutie)
    Profile   Post #: 236
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/6/2006 2:33:59 AM   
    julietsierra


    Posts: 1841
    Joined: 9/26/2004
    Status: offline     		You must feel so proud.


    (in reply to defiantbadgirl)
    Profile   Post #: 237
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/6/2006 2:41:40 AM   
    zero69u2


    Posts: 107
    Joined: 7/12/2004
    Status: offline     		I think you two got off on the wrong foot in the first place. He wanted a friendly sex playmate with BDSM and he got manipulated.. He bargained when he should have told you.the real deal. 

    As soon as you put the romance before the BDSM your relationships will start to improve. friends, lovers, bdsm partners.. don't allow anyone to skip through levels..

    You were caught with your cam on.. and he was feeling jealous.. because he thinks your fucking around on him. you might have been chatting with relatives but his immediate assumption is your cybering with another man. *which is a sign the trust isn't there between you two and he might have some definate insecuritys in his relationship.*

    why stay for 6 months in a situation that isn't pleasant for either of you. ? end it and move on.
    attempting to make sense of his trainer (BS) is just going down a path of nonsense.

    the veterans know this is just some bait and switch tactic to get in your underwear.

    newbie's 
    bottomline : everyone wants to fuck you and flog you and get bj's.
    You should be prepared for the prospect of all 3 of these and more..

    Morale of story
    Put the vanilla in with the choclate and strawberry..  don't be afraid to put it all in the blender.
    don't settle for 1 flavor.






    (in reply to ExSteelAgain)
    Profile   Post #: 238
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/6/2006 2:45:19 AM   
    RiotGirl


    Posts: 3149
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: Homestead

    quote:

    ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

    I don't think you were misled by anything except your own unwillingness to realize that Traniner means just that - someone who trains you. It's not synonymous with boyfriend, lover, friend, confidant, master or bank account.  Perhaps you saw what it was you wanted to see, can hardly blame him for that. 


    That was pretty much my thought.

    It's not good to complain about the deal not working-when you are the one who refused to abide by the terms.


    actually it is.  They might learn something

    (in reply to Homestead)
    Profile   Post #: 239
    RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/6/2006 3:12:19 AM   
    LordCadence


    Posts: 11
    Joined: 8/27/2006
    Status: offline     		I'm curious:
    1) Did he make it clear upfront that this was a emotionally detached training only situation?  If not then he's at fault because someone just starting out is likely to get attached without the warning ahead of time (and even then it's possible, shit happens) and a qualified trainer would be aware of that ahead of time (that's what contracts are for).  If so, that should have been a claxion call and when you started becoming attached you should have backed off.

    2) Did you go in with some media fed preconceived notions of what a sub is (duh of course we all start off with some preconcieved notions).  Some folks out there a predatory and thrive off a novice's spon fed information about what Bd/sm is and use it to their advantage.  They get off on the the fact that they don't know better and can probably push them farther then they could with someone with a little experience under the garter belt.  Hopefully you learned enough to watch out for this.

    Sorry that your 1st experience went a little kaka, but the best thing for you is to ignore the guy and don't get sucked back in (I know it's tough when you have emotional ties but it's gotta be done).  Some excellent books were suggeted to you by CrappyDom and I suggest you pick them up before going forward with another master.  Next time you'll know what to watch out for, remember all  of life is a learning process.

    (in reply to defiantbadgirl)
    Profile   Post #: 240
    Page:   <<   < prev  10 11 [12] 13 14   next >   >>
    All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: what every newbie should know about trainers Page: <<   < prev  10 11 [12] 13 14   next >   >>
    Jump to:





    New Messages No New Messages
    Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
    Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
     Post New Thread
     Reply to Message
     Post New Poll
     Submit Vote
     Delete My Own Post
     Delete My Own Thread
     Rate Posts




    Collarchat.com © 2025
    Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

    0.094