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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 12:04:20 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

In the beginning, he was looking for a friend with benefits (bondage and nothing more). In the beginning I refused those terms. We both discussed it and both agreed to have sessions with the understanding that we were getting to know each other and working toward a relationship. Everyone assumed that the original agreement was bondage only, with no discussion about a relationship. Everyone assumed, but nobody asked. While it is true that he said he had no interest, it is also true that he said he did want me. Six months after our original agreement, we had an arguement and I told him he didn't want to be with me. His exact response, and I quote, was "Why would I spend six months with you if I didn't want to be with you?" Two totally opposite statements. Every time he saw that my cam was on (view my webcam status message on yahoo messenger), he messaged me wanting to know who was viewing me. When we broke up, I accused him of not giving me a fair chance because he never took me on a date. He has mentioned dating twice within the last week, and yes he was the one who brought it up. While it's probably true that he said those things just to keep me attached in case things don't work out with the other girl, he still said them. For some reason, nobody is acknowledging that. People also assumed that when I was with him, I expected him to fall in love with me. I never expected any such thing. What I did expect was respect. I wanted a date on Valentine's Day and my birthday. Most people who are seeing each other do that anyway, serious or not. I know what most of you are thinking. How I dare I expect to ever be taken on a date. I'm sorry if this upsets everyone, but I just don't agree with that. BDSM partners are supposed to respect each other. For a man to never take his regular play partner on a date, relationship or not, is flat out disrespectful. What is the world coming to?

People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 12:09:37 AM

SusanofO

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Aakasha is right, I think, defiantbadgirl. But I also think you have actually learned what benji said (which was excelllent advice) -Don't go by what people say - go by what they do. I know it's tough to break away from someone with whom things were maybe even just marginally good (I really do know that), when there may not be anyone else on the horizon just yet. But there will be. Re-write that profile, baby!

(just a gentle nudge of a suggestion - take it or not, your choice of course). I just know better things are on the horizon for you.

You're worth it! I do think your heart was in the right place when you posted this warning of yours to others about "Trainers" - I really do (how would you know other people here had experiences with them, too? You didn't. That simple). You got a lot of information on "trainers" here from posters, that's for sure. But - you do deserve better. Stick to your guns (because he probably won't change, sounds like. It might be possible, but do you really want to wait around and see?) No. You already said that. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/5/2006 12:17:33 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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Post #: 182

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 12:38:07 AM

defiantbadgirl

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I plan to change my profile. Just haven't decided what to write yet. I'll let you know when I do. I appreciate your kindness toward me. Meanwhile, I'm waiting to see what all those people say that assumed I agreed in the beginning to being used with no possibility of a relationship. If I had agreed to something like that, why would I complain about it? That doesn't even make sense lol. I'm also waiting to hear from everyone that ignored the fact that he didn't always say he didn't want me, but gave mixed messages. Then there were those who thought I expected him to fall in love with me. I needed to own up to my responsibility. Now I'm waiting to see if they own up to theirs or if this is some sort of double standard.

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Post #: 183

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 12:52:01 AM

SusanofO

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Thank you - I am sure there are plenty of attractive things to write about you. Not like you need more advice, but - one thing I was told (and I do believe it) when writing a profile is to be specific in your descriptions. Of yourself, of what you offer, of what you seeek - but in areas where you are not sure, leave it more "open" as far as writing definite details go. It might take a few days, or even a few weeks, to get what you want to say the way you want it to read. Maybe not. Whatever the case, enjoy it, and good luck.

As for the rest -don't hold your breath. People were giving you advice, some heart-felt, some seemingly mean-spirited, but - people only know what you tell them outright, at the beginning. The rest, they tend to assume sometimes, I think. If you've noticed (ha!)- people in general love to give advice. I think it makes them feel useful, and sometimes it is useful. They should probably ask if they're not sure if you're asking for it or not (my opinion), but maybe assumed some things - since you didn't say in detail, and you wrote in, that there were "hidden factors" involved re: Things they've maybe seen here at CM a hundred times before in cases where people have been used.

People tend to get mad when other people get used, and they can't do anything to help, really, so they look for someone to pin the responsibility on sometimes (which isn't always a bad idea). You know what went on in your situation, and you won't make the same mistake twice. Whether you believe it or not, the fact your thread is even here at CM maybe helped people you won't ever know personally. So you reached your goal in posting it, and learned new things besides. Try not to hold anyone's point of view against them. I think people, by and large, do want the best for you sweetie. Take care.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/5/2006 12:59:18 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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Post #: 184

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 1:46:52 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
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I have been reading your threads and by your own admission, 5 months after you'd been dating, he's still telling you he has no feeling for you. Yes, it fills a need that he has, but if he's telling you there is no feelings, then I don't see why he would be with you on Valentines day, or your birthday. He is a BDSM partner, not a boyfriend. I've seen where you stated you wanted more and he said no. The look he had in his eyes, that is only what you are reading into it. Because a person may hold you after a session and help you deal with that session, does not mean that he has feelings of wanting to be your 'boyfriend' or emotional bonds developing. You stated in other posts, ways to manipulate him. It was suggested to you not to play those games. The only thing I see him doing is not wanting his bondage partner gone, but he's searching for someone he can give emotional ties to, elsewhere.
I think the both of you are confused. Sometimes it's hard to step back away and look at things in a different perspective, when you're that close to it, which this whole thread has been about. Some people never want to see what's in front of them. This whole relationship has been a struggle for you, from what you've said, many times. Until you can look at it and understand how you contributed, in your own way, to it's difficulties, it is going to be hard going into another relationship and not make the same mistakes.
Do I see anything here that now makes you right and him wrong? No.
Is that okay? Sure, just as long as you let the next person know what the rules of the game are going to be from the get go.

~Big

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 2:30:05 AM

mons

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nipples greeting

i do not know who your speaking of but you wrong in the part of a bdsm partner not wanting to be a boyfriend this is not true. ask many of the dommes and submissive who is the love of their life ? you will be surpise and ask anyone of the master or doms if they are in love with their partner? i do understand why you may think this. many will just move from person to person in each person but some love their person. and i know of many who tresure what they have. are you speaking from you own experince you may not had love from you person but others do . as for the person your speaking of i wonder what is really going on in her and your mind to just state he is looking for someone to love but just beat her. let me know i would like to knowwho this person is and how they are acting and responiseing to you reply

mons take care

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 2:36:02 AM

mons

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dbadgirl

i am sorry you had such heart ache yes you right many of the trainer are just that and nothing more, i think i read a post from someone about your post here. i am a domme i find many of the slave are so strong you see dear i would not ever be a submissive or a slave i am not willing to have someone over me or has my heart i would not have his. your so strong remember this. oh yes many do not know but the stronger of the two a dom and a slave the slave is the stronger one this is because without you the slave or submissive the dom would have to beat himself for pleasure and you have so much control and you do not even know it
be strong dear take care

mons

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 2:42:11 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

What I did expect was respect. I wanted a date on Valentine's Day and my birthday. Most people who are seeing each other do that anyway, serious or not. I know what most of you are thinking. How I dare I expect to ever be taken on a date. I'm sorry if this upsets everyone, but I just don't agree with that. BDSM partners are supposed to respect each other. For a man to never take his regular play partner on a date, relationship or not, is flat out disrespectful. What is the world coming to?

rofl... So, as near as I can figure from the ever-changing posts here, this man was SUCH the user because he
1) never did anything for you for your birthday
2) never did anything for you for valentine's day
3) didn't take you out on a date

um... and if I'm reading this right, never even had sex with you?

I GET it now! I really do! Hell hath no fury like the woman scorned.

He didn't do one damn thing wrong.

Oh wait.. yes he did.

He didn't turn around and walk on out that door the moment you started pressing for something more way back when you were first getting together to engage in a little bondage and you wanted him as your boyfriend.

And sadly, he's continuing to make the mistake of staying in contact with you.

You are one scary woman.

juliet

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 3:17:51 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mons

nipples greeting

i do not know who your speaking of but you wrong in the part of a bdsm partner not wanting to be a boyfriend this is not true.

Mons, In this particular case, it is true. HE told HER that he has no feelings for her.
I know there are many loving BDSM relationships. The guy SHE was in a relationship didn't want love, he didn't have feelings for her. He only wanted a BDSM relationship based on that, nothing more. He made that clear to her.

quote:

ask many of the dommes and submissive who is the love of their life ? you will be surpise and ask anyone of the master or doms if they are in love with their partner? i do understand why you may think this. many will just move from person to person in each person but some love their person. and i know of many who tresure what they have. are you speaking from you own experince you may not had love from you person but others do .

I am not surprised at all. Many people in BDSM are in loving relationships. I also know that some people are fine with having a BDSM relationship and they are not in love with each other.
I think you have confused what I have said.

quote:

as for the person your speaking of i wonder what is really going on in her and your mind to just state he is looking for someone to love but just beat her.

I never said anything about someone beating her. I don't know if that was involved in their BDSM activity or not.
He is the one who said he didn't have feelings for 'defiantebadgirl'. She has said he has said this, several times. On this thread and others.
He has already found someone else to be his girlfriend. defiantebadgirl is waiting for him to come back to her.

quote:

let me know i would like to knowwho this person is and how they are acting and responiseing to you reply

Most of this is all right here in this thread.

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Post #: 189

RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 4:39:54 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

And I thought you were the saintly, serene, shy, suntanned, Savannah subbie. :)

Ahhh...but Mr Steel, Billy Joel said it best..."i'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints..."

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 5:01:39 AM

PlayfulOne

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I think the title of this thread should have been , "What everyone should know about me". Pick a story and stick with it. Now you say, "he never said he was a trainer, he just acted like one". He wanted someone to tie up, you wanted a life partner, why did you ever think this was going to work .

Your not warning everyone about trainers, your warning everyone that your vindictive, pety, clingy, needy, and off your rocker. You think there is anyone who would want to become involved with you after this display?

K

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 5:23:30 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

I think the title of this thread should have been , "What everyone should know about me". Pick a story and stick with it. Now you say, "he never said he was a trainer, he just acted like one". He wanted someone to tie up, you wanted a life partner, why did you ever think this was going to work .

Your not warning everyone about trainers, your warning everyone that your vindictive, pety, clingy, needy, and off your rocker. You think there is anyone who would want to become involved with you after this display?

K

Eh.......this is the kind I avoid like the black plague. No matter what she does to her profile now, THIS is going to be in her back trail.

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 5:43:13 AM

Aine

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I was wondering how this one shot off to 10 pages...

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 6:41:02 AM

mistoferin

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This thread is proof that truth is stranger than fiction. If it weren't unfolding right before my own eyes I would never believe this.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 6:56:39 AM

mistoferin

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To the OP, my advice to you, take it or leave it, is that you close the door on this relationship. Even if you can't seem to see it...it's over. Then you should really go seek some professional help. I don't know that I have ever seen a poster on these boards who seems to be in need of it more than you. I would NOT get myself involved in another relationship because you have demonstrated that you lack the maturity and comprehension skills to deal with one. Quite frankly, most 12 year olds that I have met have more emotional maturity than what you have displayed here. I think I would seek a professional to find out what exactly has so severely stunted your growth in that area.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 9:02:28 AM

defiantbadgirl

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No, I think the title of this thread should be "How a kind woman tried to give helpful advice to prevent others from being hurt and was attacked for it." Nobody wants to admit how they jumped to conclusions on what the BEGINNING AGREED TERMS (by both parties) were. THE AGREED TERMS...........SEEING EACH OTHER WITH THE INTENT OF WORKING TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP. I asked him what he thought a relationship was. He said he thought the word relationship meant extremely serious and ready for marriage (basically the same thing as engaged). We had just met and neither one of us was ready for that. I told him the term friends with benefits meant using someone. I asked him if he wanted to use me and he said no. I was very clear from the beginning that I did not want to be used. He assured me many times throughout our involvement that he was not using me (even though that was exactly what he was doing). He said he had only been in love once and that those feelings of love took a long time to develop. So when he told me he had feelings for me, but wasn't in love with me, I simply thought it hadn't been long enough. That's what he wanted me to think so he could use me..........I realize that now. The point I'm trying to make is, I did NOT go into this whole thing with the understanding that I was being used and then come on here to bitch about it. If I had, I could see why people would jump all over me. Why would I knowingly get involved with someone on the terms of being used when I didn't want to be used? That doesn't even make sense, but that's what almost everyone assumed. When I assume, at least my assumptions make sense. I should have corrected the assumption a long time ago, but I wanted to see how many would actually believe an assumption that made no sense. People assume something that doesn't even make sense, but I'm the crazy one..........whatever. Even worse, I need to accept responsibility for unknowingly allowing myself to be used (which I did, but it was unknowingly), but nobody wants to accept the responsibility for assuming something that doesn't make sense and attacking me for it......big time double standard. Yeah, this thread will follow me around. For those who were nice, it will show your kindness. It will also show others how many of you jump to conclusions that don't make sense, and attack rather than help. If I completely deleted this entire thread, I would be doing many of you a favor.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 9/5/2006 9:05:59 AM >

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 9:19:40 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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No one has said you knowingly chose to be used at the beginning.

We did say that you should have used mature common sense and not simply BELIEVED someone on what he said, but gone slower and trusted what he DID.

We said that once you WERE being used and REALIZED IT (which you did with every one of your "things are crappy between us" threads), you took no responsibility for it.

Instead you continued to try and manipulate, continued to ignore reality, continued to try and make it work.

And now you are here, starting this thread again upset that you were used.

When every step along the way people were advising you to stop what you were doing.

Now you can either continue to get pissy about it and go on about how awful it was and how wronged you were- or you can start to take responsibility, end this completely dysfunctional relationship, and move on with some common sense.

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 10:04:07 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Trainers and those who are "married, but looking" have something in common. Both are emotionally unavailable and both search for partners to use on a short term basis.

First of all I am sorry you feel hurt but there is always "next time" and hopefully you will learn to love yourself so you do not put up with emotionally unavailable men "next time". The word "dom" does not mean putting up with a romantic entanglement that you do not get needs met. It seems you were willing to compromise your own desires to hold on to someone unsuitable.

quote:

I used to think a trainer was someone who preferred an inexperiencd partner because they could train without having to untrain.

I can see the confusion because often dominants talk about training you to suit them when they see you as someone they may want to own.

quote:

I'm going to tell my own experience to better explain. I joined this sight as a newby. When the guy I became involved with told me he was a trainer, I thought I had found the perfect situation. I didn't know what the title "trainer " in the bdsm world meant. I really cared for this man and was very good to him. In return, he ignored me on Valentine's Day, stood me up on my birthday, refused to ever take me on a date, and constantly cancelled planned sessions because something suddenly came up.

Next time before someone collars you only risk what you can emotionally afford and what the person that is wooing you tells you is safe to risk, trust your gut and do not compromise yourself for anyone. It sounds as though this man showed you in so many ways that he just wasn't into you. Someone that cannot wait to see your face, thinks about you all the time, calls everyday, and encourages you to be emotionally vulnerable to them is into you. Someone that passes up time with you easily, misses your Bday, can't be bothered with Valentines Day just isn't into you...BDSM aside, when someone is supposed to be courting you and they act like this.. break it off with them, find someone that will not miss your birthday.. you were always free to call it off.

quote:

As a newby, I thought I was doing something wrong or not learning fast enough and doubled my efforts. In the end, he dumped me when I did nothing whatsoever to deserve it.

Most people do not deserve to be dumped and hurt, but it happens anyways because life just isn't fair... or should I say, life is only as fair as we make it, and even then it is still unfair. Next time when life is unfair, change your approach and get some justice for yourself, do not put up with someone using you nonconsensually, because you are not a newbie anymore and it is best to approach these things in a vanilla way until someone makes some sort of commitment of exclusivity with you.

quote:

Trainers only want short term and no amount of effort on the trainees part will convince them otherwise. If I had known what a trainer was to begin with, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. There are plenty of doms and switches out there not seeking a short term fling who are willing to train someone with little or no experience. I hope this warning will prevent someone else from being hurt.

People who approach women like this are predators, they exist in the vanilla world also, more commonly known there as "womanizers". Not all trainers are like this, some truly train a submissive in service of some sort, or teach traditional positions that a submissive may want to know to present herself... this is not a sexual thing... and now you know so you have one more learning experience under your belt to use to make yourself the best of submissives to the one who earns your trust.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 11:39:06 AM

dolfinswimer

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after reading all 10 pages of this(and numbing my mind in the process), i have to wonder if defiantbadgirl has gone back and read any of what she has written and seen how she has contradicted herself. being a "newbee" myself, all i can say is, WOW!!!

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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/5/2006 12:47:47 PM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
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quote:

No, I think the title of this thread should be "How a kind woman tried to give helpful advice to prevent others from being hurt and was attacked for it."

Consider this: you extrapolated your bad experience with one guy into a rule that should be applied to every "trainer" and you expected to be a hero for that?

That makes as much sense as all of us trying to warn everyone else that the women in Kansas are idiots because of our experience with you.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 9/5/2006 12:51:02 PM >

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