Inappropriate Questions

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julietsierra -> Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 5:46:40 AM)
One of my "issues" is that I am terribly shy when meeting new people. On top of that shyness, there are things that people say and do that can be quite threatening to me. As such, when I attend munches, I tend to visit with my friends and as new people join in, it's a gradual thing. I don't do, nor have I ever done, small talk well at all. I am simply beyond uncomfortable with it all. When I was on my own, I attended many functions alone. I gradually worked past my difficulties in meeting people and really had a great time. However, after meeting my Master, I gradually drifted away from the public function venue. He's not really a public function kind of person and well, if my choice was to spend time with him or out at a public event, I much preferred him to anyone else. The end result of all this was that many of those difficulties meeting people showed up again. Anyway, last night, I went to a munch. I had a great time, saw some friends I hadn't seen in quite a while, and everything was warm and wonderful Except for one little thing. The person who ended up sitting next to me was evidently just as well-versed in small talk as I was, and on top of that, being new, he probably just didn't know what questions he shouldn't ask. Straight out of the gate, his first questions to me were "So, what do you do for a living? "Where do you live?" "Where do you work?" I don't share this information with people I don't know. I may talk about it here, but most of you aren't local to me, so I'm not all that worried about the ramifications of sharing here. At any rate, I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. My head simply shut off and I didn't even know how to answer him. I said "I work hard. I take care of my kids and I live on the east side." (The east side of Detroit is a big place and includes all the eastern suburbs, so I wasn't saying a thing really.) After that, I kind of ducked and just ate my meal until I could find a way to tactfully move away from him. I handle things the way I handle things. I'm not really looking for advice on how to manage the next time this comes up. What I am wondering is, if you were going to give someone suggestions on what NOT to ask someone you are just meeting for the first time at a munch, what would you suggest? (I'm not talking about planned meetings with someone you've been talking to here.) My big ones are: Don't ask me what I do for a living I don't know you and my job is very sensitive to what people know about me. I don't want to find myself without one just because someone I didn't know said the wrong thing to the wrong person somewhere else in his or her life. Don't ask me where I live. It's pretty much a given that if I'm attending a munch around the Detroit area that I live somewhere in the Detroit area. Don't ask me WHERE I work. That's even more frightening than asking me what I do for a living. Just don't. Don't ask me the names of my children or my last name or what my given name is. There's a reason I use the name juliet and my advice would be to just go with the idea that juliet is the name you'll know me by. It's easier that way. I identify as closely with juliet as I do my given name, and if we become friends, I'll eventually share my given name with you anyway, so for now, just accept that I'm juliet. Anyone have any others? juliet

LotusSong -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:07:12 AM)
It's very simple. You educate them. Tell them that because of the nature of wiitwd, it's not wise to reveal to much about yourself outside of the reference of BDSM D/s.

windchymes -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:22:13 AM)
I would just give vague answers, such as "I'm in the medical/legal/education/whatever field", or "I'm a nurse/lawyer/school administrator". If they push the issue for specifics, I would just smile and say, "Well, giving the nature of where we are, I'm not really comfortable giving out specifics at this time....I'm sure you can relate <wink>" And just steer the conversation around to something more acceptable to you. As far as where you live, then "I'm local, or "East side", or "about 2 hours north of here" if that is the case. You really can't assume that because someone attends a munch in a particular city that they live in it. Many people travel hours to munches in other cities, either for the anonymity or because that IS the closest munch. Like you said, if the guy was just a nervous as you were, he's probably smacking his head and saying, "Doh!" We were all new to the scene (for lack of a better expression) once, and it's nice to pass our knowledge gently on down to the new ones. On the flip side, I'd be more comfortable and sympathetic with someone who asks vanilla questions that are a little too personal than someone who immediately starts asking me if I like anal, if I shave, or what my limits are right off the bat.

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:31:01 AM)
I guess I need to trim my posts. Thanks for the advice. However, this is what I said regarding that: "I'm not really looking for advice on how to manage the next time this comes up." I repeat, I am NOT asking for advice on HOW to handle things the next time. THAT'S not the focus of this thread. What IS the focus is: "...if you were going to give someone suggestions on what NOT to ask someone you are just meeting for the first time at a munch, what would you suggest? (I'm not talking about planned meetings with someone you've been talking to here.)" juliet

Aileen68 -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:32:45 AM)
Do you swallow?

ScooterTrash -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:34:20 AM)
Maybe it's just me, but these were rather normal questions you would anticipate someone to ask. Personally, if someone was so paranoid that they felt they couldn't even tell me what they did for a living, my next question would be "so, what kind of medication do they have you on, anyway"?

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:37:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes We were all new to the scene (for lack of a better expression) once, and it's nice to pass our knowledge gently on down to the new ones. Then may I suggest doing that since that's what the focus of the thread was in the first place? What are some things you'd prefer NOT to be asked? And thanks...the comments regarding anal and shaving make sense, although I was talking more about those generally accepted conversation starters that are kind of inappropriate in bdsm circles. juliet juliet

Jasmyn -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:40:01 AM)
I can't think of anything I'd find inappropiate ...and I hate to attend a munch and be handed a list of questions I'm not allowed to ask

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:40:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash Maybe it's just me, but these were rather normal questions you would anticipate someone to ask. Personally, if someone was so paranoid that they felt they couldn't even tell me what they did for a living, my next question would be "so, what kind of medication do they have you on, anyway"? Obviously you don't work in a job where you are expected to be the moral compass of lots of young people and don't answer to an elected board of people who are themselves answerable to a larger community of people who are largely conservative and paranoid over who comes into contact with their minor family members. It isn't medication my friend. It's a state certifying agency, and there are a LOT of us out there in this life who have these same concerns. The day I had to go to my immediate supervisor and inform him that there was some kook out there sending bdsm related materials to my place of employment because I'd turned him down and ask him to please have his secretary intercept the packages so that they didn't go on to the board (which was where they were addressed) was the last day I shared anything about what I do for a living to some stranger I was meeting just because he happened to sit next to me at a table at a munch. juliet

windchymes -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:51:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jasmyn I can't think of anything I'd find inappropiate ...and I hate to attend a munch and be handed a list of questions I'm not allowed to ask I agree. I'm so sorry I didn't give you exactly what you were looking for, but I thought I WAS sharing my knowledge. Since most of the content of your post was about your discomfort with small talk and not knowing what answers to give, and then finally running away from someone who was as uncomfortable as you were. We can't micromanage the world, we can only learn how to deal with it. Sorry I couldn't help you. P.S. If your job is THAT sensitive, and it sounds as though you do have a real concern there, you might want to consider not attending munches at all, or attending them in a more distant city like many people do. I know that's not advice you want either, so sue me.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 6:58:35 AM)
quote: Obviously you don't work in a job where you are expected to be the moral compass of lots of young people and don't answer to an elected board of people who are themselves answerable to a larger community of people who are largely conservative and paranoid over who comes into contact with their minor family members. Gosh, you almost gave up more info there then you should have. See, that the thing here... you (general you) feel so much safer giving out bits and pieces of info online where others can trace you back to different posts and start putting together everything you have said and a LOT of the time they are pretty accurate! Yet, in public munches, where people are there to meet other like minded people and have just as much to risk you are worried about giving them a generic answer as to what type of work you do. Yes, it screams paranoia. The chances of the two of us ever meeting face to face are slim to non-existant yet I already know more about you then you would share with a person sitting right next to you that you may, someday, have a much deeper relationship with... be it friendship or otherwise. What is so wrong with a simple "I work in the education field", my name is (insert first name here... I mean, come on, do you think you are the only person with that name?) and I live about an hour away from here? All very vague answers and safe. If there was only one school in that area I would be concerned... but then again if there were only one school in that area I'm pretty sure you would be recognized anyway. I just want you to see how it sounds... Basically you are saying you would like to meet other like minded people but they aren't allowed to ask you any questions that might make getting to know them easier? *Jewel*

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:00:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes P.S. If your job is THAT sensitive, and it sounds as though you do have a real concern there, you might want to consider not attending munches at all, or attending them in a more distant city like many people do. I know that's not advice you want either, so sue me. No suits necessary. I take the chances I deem I can manage, and don't take what I deem I can't. If you can't think of anything you mind being asked then that's fine. See how small talk can be so difficult? juliet

Aileen68 -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:02:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra See how small talk can be so difficult? juliet Obviously

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:09:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: Obviously you don't work in a job where you are expected to be the moral compass of lots of young people and don't answer to an elected board of people who are themselves answerable to a larger community of people who are largely conservative and paranoid over who comes into contact with their minor family members. Gosh, you almost gave up more info there then you should have. See, that the thing here... you (general you) feel so much safer giving out bits and pieces of info online where others can trace you back to different posts and start putting together everything you have said and a LOT of the time they are pretty accurate! Yet, in public munches, where people are there to meet other like minded people and have just as much to risk you are worried about giving them a generic answer as to what type of work you do. Yes, it screams paranoia. The chances of the two of us ever meeting face to face are slim to non-existant yet I already know more about you then you would share with a person sitting right next to you that you may, someday, have a much deeper relationship with... be it friendship or otherwise. What is so wrong with a simple "I work in the education field", my name is (insert first name here... I mean, come on, do you think you are the only person with that name?) and I live about an hour away from here? All very vague answers and safe. If there was only one school in that area I would be concerned... but then again if there were only one school in that area I'm pretty sure you would be recognized anyway. I just want you to see how it sounds... Basically you are saying you would like to meet other like minded people but they aren't allowed to ask you any questions that might make getting to know them easier? *Jewel* Strangely, when we were discussing this last night - in a face to face situation, people were resoundingly in accord with the whole idea that asking personal information was largely a no-no, whereas simply joining in a conversation and letting things flow was more appropriate. Under the premise that people do NOT know what to do and say when they attend munches, I simply put forth the question with some background as to why it was being asked. "Hi how are you? My name's juliet" should be sufficient without having to tell you (the general you) what my given name is - or if this even IS my given name. "Boy, I've had a hard day at work today, how was your Friday?" seems a lot more open-ended, allowing people to converse without sharing too much too soon. In other words, simply sharing information you feel is appropriate about yourself verses questioning someone else right off the bat about things that are personal seems a whole lot more conducive to getting to know each other at a pace that's comfortable for all. juliet

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:11:28 AM)
quote: See how small talk can be so difficult? Small talk is only as difficult as you choose to make it. I can't think of any questions I would have difficulty answering at a munch. If someone is acting towards me in an inappropriate manner I have no problem going to the group moderator and telling them about it... But what you said, the questions you believe to be inappropriate are very common questions that can easily be answered in extremely vague responses and still be answered with no discomfort to anyone. If I were to come across someone that couldn't even give me a vague response to "sooooo, what do you do for a living?" my initial reaction would be Law Enforcement.... end of communication. The weather is only interesting for so long then comes a time when a person wants to get to know a little more about the other person... as windchymes said... if it is that uncomfortable for you then perhaps you shouldn't attend munches. *Jewel*

LadyEllen -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:11:29 AM)
I think the questions you already mentioned cover it Juliet; basically anything that an undercover cop/reporter might ask! But then, its a social event and its important to be able to talk a little about yourself, so I always have sufficiently vague, non identifying answers ready for such questions. Even here, I put Stourport as my location - and I'm not quite from there, but not far away either. I own and run my own business and I'd love to talk about it more at socials and on here - but its best not to as you never know which idiot will start emailing what to my staff, or worse start profiling you for some even more sinister purpose. My name is Ellen, and I'm from Stourport and I work in European transport, thats it, until and unless anything warrants further, more accurate information. There was a potentially compromising situation a few months ago in Wolverhampton (about 30 miles from home). One of the guys there was an ex college lecturer of mine who works at the college in my town. I recognised him straightaway, though I dont think he recognised me. I said nothing about it to either him or anyone else; it would have gained nothing for anyone and could have severely embarassed him. Its all about discretion on all sides. E

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:11:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen68 quote: ORIGINAL: julietsierra See how small talk can be so difficult? juliet Obviously you're sweet when you're sarcastic :) juliet

julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:14:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: See how small talk can be so difficult? *If someone is acting towards me in an inappropriate manner I have no problem going to the group moderator and telling them about it...* Presuming of course that there IS a group moderator. Presuming even more that they'll actually DO something about it. juliet

windchymes -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:21:34 AM)
I really do understand your concerns, but what I don't understand is how to apply it to the situation you're describing. Because we could tell you 100 questions that are inappropriate to be asked a munch, but, for one thing, all munches are different, and two, there will still be new people coming to them who do NOT know what they are and they are going to continue asking them. So, to "educate" them on what to ask and what not to ask, we can gently convey that to them with our responses to the inappropriate questions. For example, if they ask what your given name is, you can just say, "We just use first names here," or you can say, "You shouldn't ask that question!" with the first response, they have learned something without feeling scolded or embarrassed.

windchymes -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 7:27:49 AM)
*as windchymes said... if it is that uncomfortable for you then perhaps you shouldn't attend munches.* I do want to clarify that I did not mean that in a negative way.....with your type of professional position, you are very right to be concerned, because, as you know, being "discovered" or outed by the wrong person could cost you your job.

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