ModeratorThree
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Riotgirl,
You may not welcome this , but I have a few things to say.
Bi-polar is a deadly serious disorder, your mother probably does not want to say you have it because NO mother wants to think her child might have a mental disorder. Trust me on this one, right now I am crying. I have not one but 2 children that are bi-polar. My youngest son was one of the earliest definative diagnosed cases in the US to date. He was 3 at the time. His mood swings were so wild all I could do was sit and look at him and stare. We had to wrap him in a sheet like a mummy to keep him from hurting himself or others when he raged. He also has petite mall seizures, which effect his bpolar disorder as well. He will have a seizure and come out of it often not knowing what has happened to him. His diagnosis did not come easy, I as a mother did not want to hear this. But a therapyst that started comeing to our home every day to observe him and his liefestyle told me once, you have to accept who they are and get them the best help you can.. no matter how it makes you feel. It broke my heart to read the statistic's of bi-polar children that end up hurting or killing themselves. Like you would not believe, I saw my baby.. and that is what he was, a baby. And all I could think of was how his life was going to be robbed from him before he ever got to enjoy it. They tried many medications on him, I had to take him weekly for blood work. And you know what.. I cried every time they stuck a needle in him. I cried everytime he had a reaction to the meds, be it vomiting uncontrollably to severe diareaha and him being placed back in diapers at the age of 4 because the meds made him lose control. I sat through watching him be sedated to the point he was still awake but looked like a zombie while they hooked countless numbers of electrodes to his head and body. He had to be perfectly still so they basically paralyzed him to get the tests done. I sat next to him as tears rolled down his face because he was scared to death and could not even speak. I was helpless as a mother to do anything for my child, my baby. I watched in horror as he flung himself out a second story window, thankfully landing in a bush. I shook in terror as I tried to control him in my car, in a parking lot waiting for an ambulance to come get him because he had a psychotic break at 4. He was stronger than me and my husband put together, it took all we had to wrap him in a sheet and keep him from hurting himself or others. (yes he lost it and stabbed his brother with a kitchen knife when he was 3) I listened in horror as words escaped his lips I had never once used in my home. I thought he was possessed. Seriously! I spent endless nights without sleep, so I could sit by his bed while he slept and stare at my beautiful child so at peace. Knowing that the next day was unknown. I just wanted to see him in peace, for I feared I never would.
We got lucky, they finally found a medication that made it all go away. He takes a medication called trileptial, also known as oxcarbazepine, it contols seizures and has been known to help many bi-polar patients. He takes it 2x a day, and has not had a single episode of serious nature since. I remember well the days when he was only a baby and told me how he wanted to die, before he had even began to live.
Now my oldest daughter did not manifest symptoms until she was 12, we never saw it coming. It was her birthday and we were all having a great time. While the entire family was having dinner she snapped, it was a joyus occasion and everyone was laughing and celebrating. She stood up and flung her plate of food across the room, then ran outside with no shoes or coat in Febuary.. in Chicago. It was a bad winter and bitterly cold. She ran so fast so far. The police and our family spent hours searching for her. When she was found she hated herself and everything. She was someone I did not know. We had to admit her to a psych hospital. I was scared, thinking no not this.. not now. After all the reading I had done about her brother I was scared to death she was going to become one of the teenage statistics I had read about. And well, I did not want to lose her. I was afraid she would either kill herself or go batshit crazy lost in her own mind. I spent hours and hours at that hospital while they ran tests, changed meds. Watched her go through all the bad shit the meds can do to you. The doctor knowing she had a brother with the same disorder placed her on trileptial as well eventually. Things changed, she got better. He also put her on zoloft in the evenings so she could sleep. Because her mind was racing 90 to nothing in the night. And she could not sleep.
She just turned 17, is a good kid, and is in the National Honor Society Book comeing out this year of the top students in the country. I am proud of her and how far she has come. She would be the first to tell you to your face to pull your shit together and get help. It is not your fault, this is the way you were born. Seek help, take the meds, go through the process so that one day you can feel good. One day you will like yourself. She still has highs and lows, one day she can be over excited full of energy and then in 10 minutes she could be crying her eyes out. But she educated herself while going through the steps to get better. She knows what this disorder can do to you. She usually only cycles (high to low episodes with bi-polar disorder) when the seasons change. Winter is always harder on her. She see's what her problems are and does all she can do to deal with them. She keeps a diary every day, and goes back and reads her moods and thoughts. She tries to understand the way she works. She tells us she will be a doctor one day, and she is going to help children with this disorder, so that she can try to make a change to the statistics. So she can say " I know where you are, and I know where you can go". Her and her brother are so very close, it sometimes seems as if they are psychically connected, they feel each others pain and can relate better than we can.
The point here is, it is not your fault that you have something going on. You need to find a doctor that is very familiar and can help you. The meds will play hell with you at first. Keep trying to find what works for you. It does get better, if you can understand what is happening to you. You can like yourself one day. You may need an inpatient stay to get you leveled out, this is not a bad thing. Even if it seems like the last thing you want. There are professionals that can deal with this.
I hope it helps to see it from someone that has been there and watched what it can do to you, how it tears you down then builds you up. From happy to sad.. to despair. From laughing uncontrollably at the little things no one else gets, to crying your eyes out and begging for death and an end. There are better ways to live. Most importantly, you have to take the medications, even after you start feeling better. Many bi-polar people will take themselves off the meds because they one day decide they are perfectly happy and do not need them. They convince themselves they have no problems. And all may go well for awhile, I have read of some who have went off for as much as a year before having a break. But you do eventually break, and then you have to get yourself back together, don't take that chance. For the people you love and that love you get the help so they do not have to watch this happen. It is gut wrenching to watch.
Mod3
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