Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Bad Submissive


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Bad Submissive Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Bad Submissive - 3/19/2005 10:05:47 PM   
ardentpet


Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline 		(Warning - Long)

in the last week, I have had two Doms call me a bad submissive (my term, only one of them really said this, the other just called me rude.)

I ask your opinion. I do not see myself as a bad submissive. I would like to get your opinion. Do you think I am a bad submissive based on the following instances?

Dom A:

Dom A contacted me here on collarme commenting me on my well written profile and journal entries. Based on the email he sent, I welcomed contact from him. Moving onto messenger, we engaged in pleasant conversation for about five to ten minutes. At that point he then asked me to call him Sir ( "something he didn't want to make me do") . Personally, this is something I don't quite feel comfortable calling someone until I get to know them better. Although our conversation had gone "alright" this and some of the comments he had made me uncomfortable and I no longer wished to speak to him. I had politely wished him good luck in his search and thanked him for his time and interest. At this point when he asked why, I simply told him how I felt, in particular how I felt about calling him Sir. At this point he told me that he knows a lot of subs that have no problem calling him Sir. He then told me that I was ignorant for not speaking with him further, and insulted his character. He then as he left wished me luck in finding someone to put up with that.

Dom B:

Dom B had sent me a few short emails (one stating how he appreciated the thought I put into the profile and journal here on collarme), I thought he was quite intriguing, and was of course interested in getting to know him better. He then directly wished to speak with me on the phone. I spent a few minutes talking about phone conversations in my journal. I don't like to converse with someone over the phone until I get to know them better... I'm a shy quiet person and I don't always do very well on the phone. I of course declined. At this point I was berated for being rude and not being a submissive at all. And apparently someone who would be removed from collarme very soon.

I don't think I'm a bad submissive. Am I a bad submissive because I do not call ever person who calls themselves a Dom "Sir"? Am I a bad submissive because I reserve the right to choose who I talk to and who I submit to? I'm 18... in a lot of ways I have a lot of life ahead of me... I don't want to settle for something that doesn't feel right. I look at these men.... and I think they are wrong.

I ask you.... am I a bad submissive? Are these men wrong, or am I?

To all of those that may reply, thank you in advance.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/19/2005 10:23:24 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Don't feel bad, we've been told that we aren't really Dommes because we don't demand phone numbers in the first conversation ... and because we don't demand to be called Mistress ... and a dozen or so other reasons.

Everyone has the right to chose who they will and will not give their contact information out to, and if you aren't comfortable calling someone Sir, Master, Mistress, Ma'am, or Grand High Lord Poobah - that is your right and perogative. You are a human being first and a submissive second, and you have the right to choose who you give your submission to. Some day you will find someone who agrees with you and who is worthy of that gift.

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/19/2005 10:34:24 PM   
twistedsteel


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/7/2005
From: Funky Fell's Point, Baltimore
Status: offline 		No, you're not a bad submissive--- just a bad DOORMAT! Sounds like you're GOOD at being human. Way too many people think because they call themselves a Dom, the world owes them recognition as such. The key word in "power exchange" is EXCHANGE; neither of these dorks earned anything from you, much less the least bit of submission. Guard your gift, go slow, and use your head as well as your heart. As EmeraldSlave said in another thread, "judgment is a valuable adult skill, more people should try it" or words to that effect.

Good for you, respecting yourself. I'd recommend reaching out to some of the experienced, intelligent and level-headed women here for advice or mentoring.

< Message edited by twistedsteel -- 3/19/2005 10:35:26 PM >

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/19/2005 11:18:39 PM   
PaytonCrantor


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		No I would say you are a smart sub. And the two that contacted you seems like they are just in it for the controling of other people. Just because you are talking to someone doesn't mean you owe them squat. No where did you tell either of them that you wanted them to be your Master. So like Twistedsteel said, take your time and go slow. A good Dom lets the sub come to them. They don't force their control on them, it is taken willingly by the sub.

(in reply to twistedsteel)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 12:55:40 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Why are you asking a cyber group?

We don't dictate good or bad. I know some slaves who think if you sit on furniture you're being disrespectful. I got told today that people thought I was disrespectful because I apologized to a friend for missing a scene I'd promised her and NOT apologizing to the guy who was her top for the night.

If you use the same vanilla manners you've always used, you're doing fine.

(in reply to PaytonCrantor)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 2:04:14 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		Hi there,
don't worry at all. I've been told that I'm not a submissive many a time, and it's usually from guys who think they're so great that any girl would be a fool to turn them down. I read your profile (very well-written I might add) and you remind me surprisingly a lot of myself. I am extremely shy, new to all this, and was a virgin until January *blush*. I was introduced to this lifestyle through my first and only Master last Dec. But we never had much of a chance to play before he ended it a few weeks ago. If you ever want to chat drop me a line, I'll be more than happy to talk.
~FP
BTW, I didn't call my former Master "Sir" for about a month. It shouldn't be that big a deal

_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 2:22:54 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Not only is this your first post, but you seem new to the lifestyle in general - otherwise you'd already know.... You're not bad at all; you simply have manners and principles these "doms" can't match!

The lifestyle is choked with male doms - maybe 6 or 7 for every fem/sub and that just defies logic and Nature's balance. And I'd wager EVERY fem/sub has experienced something similar to what you've described. These doms troll for inexperienced newbies hoping to take advantage of their naivety for their own benefit. As soon as you catch them out, expect to be labelled bad or "not submissive" etc....

If you are new to the lifestyle, think of yourself as the hatchling turtle making for the open sea. Between the nest and the relative safety of deep water, there are numerous obstacles, hazards and predators to negotiate along the way - and you've just met two of them.... Unfortunately, there'll be more and not necessarily as obvious or clumsy as these two.

If you lack experience, the other valuable defence is your own instincts. Always trust your instincts about strangers and if they're telling you to run, I'd suggest you run FAST! Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing and that's not bad, that's *excellent*! And it's not that these doms were wrong, it's that they're jerks!

Welcome to the Forums and the lifestyle in general....

Focus50.

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 4:36:49 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		I would call you a discerning, not bad, submissive.

As individuals we like different things and that doesnt change with D/s, what works for one might not for another. At least you have an idea of what doesn't work for you so stick to your guns.
Don't get disheartened by the sulky behaviour of a few.

Oumae

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 7:26:36 AM   
PlayfulRaquel


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		I would of and well have told these types of doms to go **** themselves. If that makes me a bad submissive then so what. Submission is a gift and I don't go around giving people presents on their birthday unless I have some type of relationship with them. Personally I'm thankful for the idiots like this who can't even hide the fact that they don't know what the hell they are doing until after they meet you. Saves me the gas money(which is insane these days) and the trouble of investing any time in them.

_____________________________

She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 9:00:32 AM   
CitizenCane


Posts: 349
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Ardenpet,
Seems like there's pretty good consensus on this one- you're not a 'bad sub', whatever that means. It sounds like you're a tad on the insecure side, which is perfectly reasonable given your age and experience. You should just keep relying on your own judgement as to what you're ready for, don't let strangers push you around, and continue to be polite (as you apparently have been) while maintaining your boundaries. The lifestyle isn't about having no boundaries. You may want a relationship in which your dom can penetrate all or most of your boundaries, but you don't get there by being mindlessly compliant with everybody you talk to. That behavior will get you your own 55 gallon drum in some serial killer's backyard.

Citizen Cane

(in reply to PlayfulRaquel)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 10:12:07 AM   
wetrope


Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline 		Move on ardentpet, dont fret about would be dom's expecting more than u can give when u can give it. These so called dom's are not very secure in themselves and are only taking it out on u. Keep true to ur own judgement, ur dead right.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to CitizenCane)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 10:20:22 AM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		I have no idea how sme submissives stay polite when confronted with idiot dominants on the internet.

You are not a bad submissive. You have no obligation other than plain vanilla courtesy to anyone, until you have agreed to be their submissive.

Quite honestly, I'd toss it back in their face. "You are a really bad dom, I can't see anyone submitting to you. I know I sure don't find you dominant at all. Why are you trolling the net for subs if you are such a good dominant anyway?"

Of course, I frequently tell folks I would be the sub from HELL too. "What's that sound? Why, it's the sound of dominant egos going down in flames..."

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 12:22:30 PM   
duskysub


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline 		MM

I would question the security of the Doms in question here since they seem to be preying on what they perceive to be a weakness. You are submissive, therefore you will do as you're told.

yeah...right! You have the right to deny anyone you wish, any time you wish. And until they have contracted with you, they have no right to demand anything of you.

A little tip for you....a Dom/Master secure within himself will not ask that of you unless and untill the two of you are discussing an ongoing relationship, committed or not, and setting up ground rules. Chances are, if he is the right one, even if it's just for now, you will adress him as such on your own, because if feels right to you. Untill it does, don't do it. If they don't like it, as has been previously stated, cut that fish loose and recast your line, the waters are teeming with them!

BB
Rowan

_____________________________

Merry Meet and Merry Part and Merry Meet Again!

(in reply to MsSilvie)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 2:51:43 PM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ardentpet

in the last week, I have had two Doms call me a bad submissive (my term, only one of them really said this, the other just called me rude.)

I ask your opinion. I do not see myself as a bad submissive. I would like to get your opinion. Do you think I am a bad submissive based on the following instances?

Fair warning, ardentpet - for every dominant online who knows what they're about, there are (reportedly) at least a dozen who will try to shame you into doing things you don't want to do by calling you a bad, rude, or newbie sub.

Stay true to what you want for yourself - or you'll never get it. If someone else doesn't like that - that's their problem, not yours.

_____________________________

Power corrupts. Absolute power ... is really pretty nifty.

TIES - pansexual BDSM social group in MN, USA - http://www.ties-bdsm.org

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/20/2005 8:42:17 PM   
Overlord218


Posts: 53
Joined: 1/26/2005
Status: offline 		First and foremost, never EVER give out your phone number to anyone online until you are absolutely 100% comfortable. And even then, ask him to email you a copy of his drivers license. If He's genuine, there won't be a problem. The trick of giving you his number so you can call him... Which then gives him your number is another nono, ok? I can't stress this enough.

Are you a bad sub? Hardly! Any Dom worth his salt would never have said that anyway. At your ripe old age of 18, the key word here is caution... Not whether you're good at anything. This lifestyle is rife with dropkicks who pick a suitable "name" and expect a sub to automatically drop to her knees.

Be who and what you are ardentpet. Just take it slow and easy. And ignore the wannabes.

(Getting down off My soapbox here )


< Message edited by Overlord218 -- 3/20/2005 8:44:14 PM >

_____________________________

Overlord 218

A little pain is good for the soul. Ask any masochist.

(in reply to ardentpet)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/21/2005 6:54:34 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Ummmm I don't think it makes someone genuine just because they are willing to send over a copy of their license to someone they have never talked to. YOu shouldn't ask for any information you aren't willing to give yourself and just because someone else isn't comfortable with it doesn't mean they aren't genuine.

I think needing a license is a bit much just to talk on the phone with someone. But if you want, that's ok, I'm sure some people will be willing to give that.

(in reply to Overlord218)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/21/2005 6:59:09 AM   
TallDarkAndWitty


Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MidnightWriter

Fair warning, ardentpet - for every dominant online who knows what they're about, there are (reportedly) at least a dozen who will try to shame you into doing things you don't want to do by calling you a bad, rude, or newbie sub.


While I think this is probably true, I think by treating "giving out your phone number" like a second virginity you are going to decrease your odds of connecting with those who do know what they (and wiitwd) are all about.

Does this make her a "bad submissive"? Of course not...though it won't help her get into the Kink Hall of Fame on her first ballot. *smile* INMSHO, it makes her a rather unserious submissive. Or perhaps a submissive with something to hide. Either way, it makes her a submissive that I wouldn't ever give a second glance.

Of course, I don't do online relationships anymore. If I contact someone, it is about meeting at a munch (or in Las Vegas, Baby!!!), not about talking on the phone. Though even when I did do online relationships, I viewed the phone number issue as one of seriousness. If the submissive had a thing about talking on the phone, it usuall meant one (or more) of a few issues:

1) She was not serious about this. It was only an online masturbation exercise.
2) She was not able to talk on the phone (parents, husband, kids), which would be fine, but I would like it stated upfront.
3) She was very nervous about talking on the phone, didn't like the way her voice sounded, etc. Serious submissives find a way around this.
4) She was a he.

I am sorry, but with pre-paid cellular, there is no security issue. If you plead poverty, I charge un-seriousness.

quote:


Stay true to what you want for yourself - or you'll never get it. If someone else doesn't like that - that's their problem, not yours.


With this, I couldn't agree more.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.


My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to MidnightWriter)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/21/2005 9:02:38 AM   
FLButtSlut


Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline 		TallDarkAndWitty, I'm sorry but if within the first 5 minutes of chatting with someone, they want to get on the phone, I don't think it has anything to do with their seriousness. Different people view things differently, and I don't feel that I have gotten a significant amount of information from someone in 5 minutes (most times) to warrant a phone call. Of course, I also won't share my picture with someone until I decide that I would like to continue getting to know them either. I want to know that we can stimulate each other intellectually before I see what you look like.

The bottom line is that with all of the psychos, weirdos and fakes out there, a girl must be careful. As for sending a copy of his driver's license, well, I think that might be over the top, and just like a person can send a fake picture and give a fake name, they can send a fake driver's license. I believe that *67 blocks your number from showing up on caller ID if you choose to call them.

Respect is something that must be EARNED. Giving yourself the title of dom is nothing more than giving yourself a title. Making demands of you in the first conversation is a great way of blatently showing someone how fake or ignorant you are. Everyone's definition of "sub" can vary, and at this point, only YOU know what the definition is for you ardentpet. Don't let anyone try to tell you that you HAVE to be a certain way in order to qualify. You have every right in the world to expect someone that is right for you AND the right to expect them to earn that respect they seek from you.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/21/2005 7:37:37 PM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		Taggard,

She's 18.

I doubt she is trying out for the kink hall of fame.

She doesn't have the option to meet at a lot of munches even.

If you don't want to give out contact info, you don't give it out. Period. I've been called every kind of fake, including male wanker. It matters not a rat's ass to me. It shouldn't matter to anyone. Seriousness doesn't have a thing to do with how fast or eagerly anyone gets involved with YOU. Just because someone has no interest in you doesn't mean they are not serious about finding a relationship.


(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Bad Submissive - 3/21/2005 7:53:29 PM   
Overlord218


Posts: 53
Joined: 1/26/2005
Status: offline
ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

quote:

YOu shouldn't ask for any information you aren't willing to give yourself and just because someone else isn't comfortable with it doesn't mean they aren't genuine

I think needing a license is a bit much just to talk on the phone with someone. But if you want, that's ok, I'm sure some people will be willing to give that..



The point being, are you happy to give out information, let alone an 18 year old girl who has next to NO life experience??? (My apologies ardentpet. No offence intended) Bearing in mind within literally 60 seconds of you giving him your number, he knows where you live, not to mention a host of other things... Credit card, bank account et al??

Sorry, but it's the father in Me I guess... Or maybe the Daddy?



_____________________________

Overlord 218

A little pain is good for the soul. Ask any masochist.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Bad Submissive Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094