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RE: Bad Submissive - 3/22/2005 2:38:02 PM

Jayxkes

Posts: 138
Joined: 7/8/2004
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ardentpet,
clearly you must be a bad submissive, I bet you didn't even give them a bj over the phone either!! And how bad is that!

Seriously, seems to me you did about right. I am pretty certain you'll get a lot more offers from real people than they will acceptances!

BTW, I get the feeling one of the doms in question has replied on this thread

(in reply to ardentpet)

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Post #: 21

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/22/2005 6:26:06 PM

ardentpet

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/19/2005
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I really appreciate it.

I know this forum doesn't dictate what is good or bad. I don't view myself as a "bad submissive" but I was just curious how others saw me and my behavior. Figured they were two people that I should take like a grain of salt... but they peaked my curiosity.

As far as phone numbers go, personally I can't really see myself asking for a drivers license (I think that may be a tad too much.) To use Taggard's ( hope you don't mind me calling you that

) wording, I don't treat my phone number as a second virginity. To me... I think giving my phone number to someone I haven't talked to once or twice and gotten to know somewhat is a little irresponsible. Of course at this point since we've had a civil conversation they generally know that I live with my mother and aren't exactly reachable sometimes.

One of the things that in unfortunate about being this young and interested in the lifestyle is... this is my only outlet. Most of the groups around here (no, all of them actually that I've found) won't associate with me unless I'm over 21. Although I totally understand that... it makes it hard to meet anyone in person or learn anything in person. So since this is all I have access to at the moment, and I don't know all too much... I'm playing it safe. I figured I have a good chunk of years ahead of me, no need to rush into anything and put myself in a bad or unsafe position.

Again, thank you to everyone who took the time and effort to reply

I really appreciate it.

(in reply to ardentpet)

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Post #: 22

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/22/2005 9:24:12 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline

I think you're wise to take your time and wait for the right situation to come along. Some find waiting to be difficult but that's also true for many in vanilla relationships, as well. One thing I think is indisputable, regardless of the exceptions, is that your odds of failing increase when you fail to take the time to understand who and what you are, your motivations, beliefs, values and goals as well as those of a potential partner. "Anything worth having is worth working for" and sometimes waiting is a neccessary chore.
Best of luck,
Timothy

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Post #: 23

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/23/2005 11:36:28 PM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

This behavior is called 'gaslighting" and is purely manipulative in nature.

The attacker seeks to make you feel inadequate,and to focus the spotlight on you-which allows him to hide in the shadows and not bring his own deficiencies to light. So it is no wonder that when you snuffed out thier little lights,they knew the jig was up.

At which time the only thing left to do was one last whine to salve thier damaged egos,since they knew you had beaten them.

GOOD for you! You have just learned an important lesson...Stick to your guns and find a man with some STRENGTH,not just an insecure poser.

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Post #: 24

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/24/2005 4:26:58 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jayxkes
BTW, I get the feeling one of the doms in question has replied on this thread

Me, too!

No matter how particular doms view themselves, they have no right expecting ANYONE to trust them from word one - especially where the Net is concerned! Trust takes time to build and anyone who's genuine knows that.

It's easy for a male to say you're "unserious" for being cautious when those who fall victim to abuse within the lifestyle are overwhelmingly female. If some dom gets huffy because you don't trust him, he's shown his true colours and a signal for you to erase his sorry arse! Genuine people will have patience and will want to cultivate your trust - thus giving you the time to trust them enough for more direct contact, if desired by BOTH.

Very few of us are aiming for the "Kink Hall of Fame"; most believe BDSM really is an alternative lifestyle - I do, D/s or M/s is the only relationship I'll consider! Relationship means taking the time it takes for getting to know each other at all levels - not just wanting the obedient submissive in you, wanting ALL of you!

To me, "if the submissive had a thing about talking on the phone", I'd just think she's not ready for that step yet.... I wouldn't even ask within the first week or 5 or 6 emails - I'm in no rush either. I'm looking for chemistry and something long-term, not a quick thrill.

You can bracket "unserious submissive" along with "not submissive" and "bad submissive".... They're a true reflection of the person saying it and *not* a measure of who you are! Fem/subs should always keep that "delete" or "ignore" option handy when using the Net - you'll need them all too often. The genuine Doms are out there but the wannabes are pushy and rely on "buzz words" and quick fixes - which tends to attract newbies to them initially.

I always tell fem/subs to trust their instincts and, ardentpet, you're demonstrating yours to be considerable for one so young and inexperienced. As I said in my first reply: "*Excellent!*"

Focus50.

(in reply to Jayxkes)

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Post #: 25

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/24/2005 4:43:46 PM

ardentpet

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no... neither of them has replied... if they did you'd know it in a heartbeat. They'd explode.

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Post #: 26

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/24/2005 9:07:34 PM

MsSilvie

Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ardentpet

no... neither of them has replied... if they did you'd know it in a heartbeat. They'd explode.

Explosions can be entertaining!

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Post #: 27

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/24/2005 11:45:02 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
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From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ardentpet

no... neither of them has replied... if they did you'd know it in a heartbeat. They'd explode.

Lol I wasn't really being serious about that bit - such a coincidence would rate one of those "Priceless" jokes that are popular these days. Nonetheless, the attitude of that one particular reply did bear a resemblence with the two doms you described and a hundred others I've come to know via fem/subs and/or the Net. And I'm sure that's what Jayxkes was alluding to, as well....

But having said that, it's also true (IMO) that wannabes such as the two you came to know usually don't feature in public forums - they lurk in the shadows for fear of being caught out by genuine lifestylers. Anonymity is their power base (which the Net easily provides) and from there they seek the new and naive, usually hoping to have exclusive contact with you so you're reliant only on them for knowledge and experiences. A newbie sub is easily mislead from there if you don't listen to your own common sense and judgement.

Coming here and asking your question of those who make no claim on you shows you have good sense in abundance. Good for you!

Focus50.

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Post #: 28

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/24/2005 11:47:33 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
If the submissive had a thing about talking on the phone, it usuall meant one (or more) of a few issues:

1) She was not serious about this. It was only an online masturbation exercise.
2) She was not able to talk on the phone (parents, husband, kids), which would be fine, but I would like it stated upfront.
3) She was very nervous about talking on the phone, didn't like the way her voice sounded, etc. Serious submissives find a way around this.
4) She was a he.

or they could have a mental illness which makes talking on the phone into the kind of ordeal that causes panic attacks.

~shrug~

You find a way around it, yes, but I know that I myself find it far easier to just meet in person than to talk on the phone. I prefer to get to know someone on the net, then meet them and skip the phone step all together, because it makes me so intensly uncomfortable.

Granted, I know that few people have this problem, but it -does- exist. I've been told more times than I can count that I must be fake because I don't do the phone. I don't talk on the phone to -anyone- except my famliy, but this has somehow become a measure of how 'serious' I am.

Then again, these are the people that flake on me when we plan a realtime meet, so there you go.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

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Post #: 29

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/25/2005 3:35:50 AM

lovingmaster45

Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
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The lifestyle is choked with male doms - maybe 6 or 7 for every fem/sub and that just defies logic and Nature's balance.

Actually the "lifestyle" is very short on both male and female dominants. But the internet is "choked" with people assuming the role on line.

It is easy to talk the talk; only a few days on this site should make you capable of that. What is harder is to do it in person.

When it comes down to REAL life, there are precious few dominants and even fewer well-trained ones. I believe that is the source of much of the frustration people express on this and other sites; especially new people like this sweet girl.

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Master Jerry

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Post #: 30

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/25/2005 6:13:15 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

But having said that, it's also true (IMO) that wannabes such as the two you came to know usually don't feature in public forums - they lurk in the shadows for fear of being caught out by genuine lifestylers.

Hmmm...I have found that wannabe doms tend to lack a few other qulaities...

1) Rarely do they have their own domains (that just happen to be their real first names) where they (proudly?) display their real full names, addresses, and phone numbers.

2) Rarely do they maintain a rather public Master/slave relationship with another regular on the message board.

3) Rarely have they been out and publicly using their real name since 1998...oh yeah and have easily verfied evidence.

I consider myself to be rather serious about this lifestyle. I tend to hang out with others who are rather serious about this lifestyle. I don't think I talked to Celestia on the phone once before we met in person (though she might have calld to verify directions). When I see a profile with two journal entries on the phone number issue, I see a profile that is un-serious. Just an opinion from someone who has been doing this online thing since 1998 (at least in the open *wink*).

That all said, I must be doing something right...someone who thinks there are 6 or 7 male doms for every female submissive inferred I was a wannabe!!! The most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed...

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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Post #: 31

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 1:51:19 AM

submissivesilk

Posts: 154
Joined: 1/30/2005
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I think you did the right thing by not giving your phone number, specially if it is just you and your mom. I know what it is like to be new and kind of leary. I am not 18 anymore, but fairly new to this "scene."

As for the Sir issue, I am from the south and Sir is a term denoting respect, and respect is given freely, not demanded. Being polite should be enough to start.

A small bit of advice. If, by chance, you decide to meet someone from this site or any other, get all of their information. Full name, phone number, address, where they work, try to verify it if you can, and tell someone where you are going and when you should be back. A true safe Dom will tell you to do this as well.

Be safe and have fun.

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Post #: 32

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 1:53:59 AM

submissivesilk

Posts: 154
Joined: 1/30/2005
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Oh my, i just realized what room i was in. Please forgive me for posting in a Master's room.

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Post #: 33

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 3:18:48 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivesilk

Oh my, i just realized what room i was in. Please forgive me for posting in a Master's room.

Hey submissivesilk,

Don't worry about what "room" you are in...we welcome all opinions and attitudes, even in the "Master's" room. Please feel free to say whatever you want in here!!!

And in response to your post, why not just get a pre-paid cellular phone to use ust to talk to BDSM folk? If her only issue is security, that should solve that problem quite nicely.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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Post #: 34

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 8:09:34 AM

subbella

Posts: 237
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Ardent Pet -- my dear you are very young, and there are predators on this site, and on the internet in general. Stay true to yourself, and use the block feature! That little button has saved my life many,many times. My profile clearly states that I am a collared sub. Yet, I still get communications from Doms on collarme who show utter disrespect and disregard to my Master. There are a couple Doms on this site whom I will talk to, and only because the are respectful towards me. The others can politely kiss my keester as well!

Oh, concerning the title of "Sir" -- if a Dom is well practiced in protocol, it is a matter of showing respect to Him and His position as a Dom. If My Master and me play with another Dom/sub couple, I will address the other Dom as "Sir" -- always. I do feel that a Dom has to prove He has earned that title. It is my practice - (and mind you, this is just me) - to answer any e-mail I receive from a Dom - with "Sir". If I find out in subsequent e-mails that He does not deserve to be called "Sir", I do not address Him at all. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. They'll get the message!

Good luck to you, and be careful out there!!!

bella

(in reply to Overlord218)

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Post #: 35

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 9:27:44 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbella

Ardent Pet -- my dear you are very young, and there are predators on this site, and on the internet in general. Stay true to yourself, and use the block feature! That little button has saved my life many,many times.

Oh yes...I too have used the block feature and it prevented many an exploding email from killing me!!! </sacrasm>

Oh come on now, the internet and general, and this site in particular, probably have a lot fewer predators then your local meat market bar. Sure you need to use common sense, but you don't have to run away from every little thing.

I have used my real name, posted my phone number and address online, and done just about everything you have ever been warned not to do, and yet I have not had a single problem.

Am I just lucky? Maybe. Or Maybe the threat is just a bit exagerated.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

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Post #: 36

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 10:01:55 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

Oh yes...I too have used the block feature and it prevented many an exploding email from killing me!!! </sacrasm>

Oh come on now, the internet and general, and this site in particular, probably have a lot fewer predators then your local meat market bar. Sure you need to use common sense, but you don't have to run away from every little thing.

I have used my real name, posted my phone number and address online, and done just about everything you have ever been warned not to do, and yet I have not had a single problem.

Am I just lucky? Maybe. Or Maybe the threat is just a bit exagerated.

Taggard

Or maybe you are a man and lucky. Or just cracked. Who am I to say ~grin~

L

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"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

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Post #: 37

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 11:45:41 AM

submissivesilk

Posts: 154
Joined: 1/30/2005
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I do think that if your Master brings the Dom in, Sir is warranted because your Master obviously respects him. However, I do not think that just because a man joins a site and labels himself dominant that I should automatically call him Sir, or that he should demand it on the first conversation. If there seems to be some chemistry, Sir should be added so that there isnt any difficulty in getting into the habit if the relationship progresses.

My Master never even asked me to call him Sir. I did it one day and he responded with how much he liked it. Master was added when a commitment was made. I still us Sir when we are out "in the vanilla world."

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Post #: 38

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 12:35:42 PM

MadameBette

Posts: 62
Joined: 9/8/2004
From: Long Island, NY
Status: offline

ardentpet,
If you can get into Manhattan, TES has a young peoples group and accepts members from 18 on.
http://tes.org/beta/content/view/29/74/
TES-TiNG is The TES Association's Next Generation, a special interest group for adults under 35 who are interested in BDSM and who are looking for a safe space in which to explore, discuss, and understand what we do, why we do it, and how to do it better, more safely, and more creatively.

Also, there are some universities that have groups among the student body. I'm still trying to track it down, but will let you know if I can find one in NJ. SUNY has one in Manhattan and Syracuse.

Hang in there. You're doing good!

~ Bette

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Post #: 39

RE: Bad Submissive - 3/26/2005 1:04:06 PM

subbella

Posts: 237
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Yes, I agree with Protagonist Lilly. Just the other day I got what appeared to be an "innocent" e-mail from a Dom which I respectfully responded to. He e-mailed me right back and asked to see my <meow> Talk about "exploding e-mails". I nearly sprained my wrist blocking him. LOL

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Post #: 40