Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: safe words when does stop mean more?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: safe words when does stop mean more? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 1:50:54 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Yes Celeste i hear you...I do, it took a while for me to calm down myself....but my thought here is that he came here, he asked the question, he has been around for a while so he most likely knew he would take a few lumps, so he deflected them as best he could....Studdies show that support and encouragement are 40 times more likely to shift behaviors then shame, lectures and punishment. For the sake of all the future girls in his stewardship i would prefer that his behavior shifts and he learns...and i just dont think he will if we all gang up on him.

In all the many years you and i have been on this board and the other one....we can both say it is a rare person who comes back to the thread, takes his lumps, learns from his mistakes and becomes a better person right there in front of your eyes....its rare but it has happened...and it is really cool when it does. so i guess i was trying to foster an environment where its ok to be human and admit that mistakes happen, and that we can grow from them.



The downside is the people that actually do admit they fucked up, own it, take responsibility for it, learn and grow from it ensuring that the mistake never repeats itself is sometimes faced with those who would go to their grave never letting that person live it down.

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 1:54:30 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Ask the mentor why he felt he should have kept going?  IMO it was inappropriate for him to keep going- even if nothing was "really wrong" he should have at the very least asked what was going on.

I know a lot of people don't use safewords (myself included) but if you decide to play with someone who DOES- you play by their rules.

And discuss with the sub what the two of you will do if this ever happens again.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_600704/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#600756
forgetting the safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_563513/mpage_2/key_safeword/tm.htm#563814
Safeword usage over time

http://www.collarchat.com/m_355604/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#355604
Safewords are NOT for novices!

http://www.collarchat.com/m_232414/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#232414
safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_228130/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#228130
safeword

http://www.collarchat.com/m_137937/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#137937
Forcing your sub to safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131432/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#131432
Safe words

http://www.collarchat.com/m_93603/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#93603
Overuse of a safeword?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_69981/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#69981
safewords not allowed?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_14335/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#14335
should a slave in training be allowed safewords?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_668940/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#669011
The use of safewords

http://www.collarchat.com/m_679370/mpage_1/key_safeword/tm.htm#679401
safe words:  To use or not to use

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:05:27 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		obe,  i so agree that sucks........but mostly people forgive and forget.....i mean after all bush was elected twice! *grin*

i really respect someone who says "hey i fucked up...and i am sorry"....i really admire someone who is strong enough to lead by his own moral compass then to cower behind an illusion of himself....or herself.

if certain folks wont forgive him, well, in a way they are the ones loosing out, because folks that have the quality's of leadership, self accountability, integrity, and courage...are pretty few and far between....

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to OhBeMyMind)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 2:10:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fusion

Greetings all,  I am to my mind a journeymen master with four years full time very active domination under my belt.  I was mentored in my first year and last week at public play at the club my mentor owns.  I had my sub tied down with the fuck machine in one end and I in her mouth.  As a sign of honor I suppose I let him cane her.  He is rather a sadist and managed to get her to say "Red"  I noticed though distracted  as I was, he applied three more stokes before stopping.  During our drive home in what I would call "After care" I asked about the three strokes in question.  She to my mind was not in sub space, as she is unable to talk when there.  Did not seem to object to his delayed stopping.   So as I try to get to the absolute edge of edge play, what say yeah?


Chiming in to agree with the general forum.  Whatever was discussed after the fact is not in question.  Play should have stopped when the safe word was used.  Even if "distracted", I don't reasonably accept that three more strikes should have been able to land if you were honestly controlling the scene.  Whether this is your sub or not, she was your property for the duration.  As her Owner for that time, it was your responsibility.
 
Public sceneing can be a tricky area.  You are not just controlling your sub, but also elements of the room itself.  Add another player, and it can be even harder.  Though this participation was to be a sign of honor to your Mentor, your Mentor did not honor you in return. 
 
Even if your sub did not seem to object when it was discussed, I would still recommend treating the incident as a trust being broken (since it really was) and taking the measures necessary to rebuild trust.  Good luck to you.

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 2:15:34 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		If "red" was her stop word, he needed to respect it.

I think you as her dom needed to immediately stop what you were doing and make sure he respected her "red". If it happens again, I'd hold off on my own pleasure if you are going to let someone else play at the same time so you can be fully in charge of the situation.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:17:09 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

obe,  i so agree that sucks........but mostly people forgive and forget.....i mean after all bush was elected twice! *grin*

i really respect someone who says "hey i fucked up...and i am sorry"....i really admire someone who is strong enough to lead by his own moral compass then to cower behind an illusion of himself....or herself.

if certain folks wont forgive him, well, in a way they are the ones loosing out, because folks that have the quality's of leadership, self accountability, integrity, and courage...are pretty few and far between....


Still agreeing with you....and yeah it does suck....funny thing to me is those people who keep adding salt to a wound are  of course perfect with no flaws and never ever make a mistake.
Hell I fuck up all the damn time.....in fact fuck up might be my middle name...ah no, my mistake, it is fuck slut that Daddy calls me sometimes.
And as for Bush, I know....I voted for him twice 
And no I do not consider that one or two of my mistakes!

It would be nice to read what fusion has to say after reading the thread.


_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:37:21 PM   
fusion


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Excuse the sorry meant means!    Also:  Should add my mentor(alex) has over 30 years experience as both submissive and dominant,  he is know nation wide.

_____________________________

what does not kill me, makes me stronger!

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:42:51 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fusion

Excuse the sorry meant means!    Also:  Should add my mentor(alex) has over 30 years experience as both submissive and dominant,  he is know nation wide.

/tries REALLLLLLLLLLLLL hard to not say what is on her mind but fails miserably

Hmm ok...he has over 30 years experience ? WOW, what a trooper. In regards to listening when a submissive/bottom says their word...the number of years experience means jack shit.

I think both of you have acted terribly irresponsible here; what's more, you have shown that neither of you should have control over anyone.

edited to remove a certain phrase that I really should have not said at all

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 4/5/2007 2:43:48 PM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:48:09 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		& that means what?

it means that in 30 yrs he hasn't learned to respect limits & you will most likely follow this unfavorable practice.

As it was stated earlier... if the girl has & uses a safeword then this should be respected... furthermore, if the top doesn't wish to use a safeword then he shouldn't interact with a bottom who does use it... plain & simple incompatibility of play styles. No amount of experience dictates that your method or practice over rules another's.





_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 2:52:01 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		not only are you refusing to admit any wrong doing you are now broadcasting this scene to anyone who wishes to view it?

I wonder if she gave permission for this or if they just assumed she would be ok with having her naked ass laid out there for the entire world to see...

shaking head....

BTW... sharing of personal outside contact info within the forums is a violation of the rules... but seeing that you feel rules don't apply to you... why bother saying anything at all

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 4/5/2007 2:53:00 PM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:52:54 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		I don't give a damn if he's been around for the last 1,000 years and is known intergalactically.  The simple rule about safe words, when used, is this... when the safe word is called, the activity stops immediately and you check to see what is wrong.  No exceptions.

That you didn't stop and check to make sure she was okay was irresponsible of you.  But given that you say you are a "journeyman" and still learning (although after 4 years you ought to know this by now), chalk it up to a learning experience that fortunately didn't cost you or her anything.

That he didn't stop and check to make sure she was okay despite being apparently experienced and a "mentor" would have me questioning his competency as a Top, and a mentor.

You sound a little too impressed with this guy because he's supposedly been around a bit, owns a club, etc.  Bit of advice... there are complete morons who have been around for 30 years as well.  Just because someone has a title or is well known doesn't make them qualified.  Their qualifications are demonstrated in their behavior and in this example everyone in the example, including the submissive, fails to get a passing grade.  The mentor for doing something someone with 30 years experience ought to have known better than.  The dom for not stepping up to the plate and acting responsible for the submissive and the submissive for not objecting to having the safeword violated.

Course I'm also kind of curious how the submissive managed to say "red" with her mouth stuffed full of cock...

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:54:23 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		ummmm, This had me thinking about that joke:
quote:

Why did Jesus die on the cross?
He forgot his safe-word.
 
Maybe it really was because the Roman's didn't honor it!
Happy Vernal Equinox to Everyone!

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 2:56:46 PM   
MasterGremlin


Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fusion

Excuse the sorry meant means!    Also:  Should add my mentor(alex) has over 30 years experience as both submissive and dominant,  he is know nation wide.


Then his error is particularly grievous.  It is possible he felt that she cold have taken more, but as soon as a safe word was used, he needed to stop, end of story.  He very well could have talked to her and asked her if she was sure, mentioned he thought she could take more and said "do you think you can take 3 more".  What he did do was tell everyone present that he cannot be trusted and no sub is safe playing with him.  But instead, he took advantage of his position and "national" standing and disreguarded and disrespected both you and your sub and her physical and mental wellbeing. 

As a submissive my Master has shared me with others from time to time, I trust Him to make sure that the person He shares/loans me to is trustworthy in all respects.  As it is, He has not to this day loaned me to another Dom/me as He does not know one that He would completely trust.  The men He has loaned me to are simply vanilla with a little kink and definately not sadists or Doms. 

For my Master, His subs are His most precious possesions and anyone who He decided to share us with would have to be extremely special to Him as well as extremely trustworthy.  And if anyone were to harm us in this way (or any way) I can pretty much guarantee Master would make sure they never got the chance again, ever. 
Sincerley,
minxy

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 2:59:47 PM   
yenlui


Posts: 51
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline 		Ignoring my safe word, or allowing that another person ignored it, I would most likely never forgive. Being the submissive part is about giving away control, if the Dom is not able to keep control of the situation, he should not accept the submission given to him.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 3:16:08 PM   
MasterHyde


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		I'm with mbes...  If she said red, and he took three more strokes, that raises serious trust issues with me. Mind you, I don't always use safewords, and I'm more like to play without them than with them, but if you give someone a safeword, you damn well better respect it. Especially since this was a casual scene, and she isn't his submissive, he should have shown a lot more respect to her and to you as well.

It sound to me as if he took advantage of your trust, and he got in three more strokes just for kicks because maybe he realized he wasn't going to get another opportunity. Bad news. Red flags. I wouldn't let him come anywhere near me or my submissive during a scene.

_____________________________

Master Hyde
A self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child

(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 3:26:35 PM   
MasterHyde


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Excuse the sorry meant means! Also: Should add my mentor(alex) has over 30 years experience as both submissive and dominant, he is know nation wide.


Wow! After all the information that's been shared here, and a couple of people have already said they're wondering what you're going to say for yourself, this is all you added to the conversation? I don't care how many years of experience your mentor has, or how well know he is. He crossed the line, and you let him. His behavior was inappropriate, and you bear some responsibility for allowing him to cross it with your submissive. She put her trust in you, and I think you have some idea that what happened on that night was wrong. Him being experienced and well-known does nothing to change that.


_____________________________

Master Hyde
A self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 3:49:02 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fusion

Excuse the sorry meant means!    Also:  Should add my mentor(alex) has over 30 years experience as both submissive and dominant,  he is know nation wide.


I do not understand "Excuse the sorry meant means".....guess I am a little slow today because I certainly do not understand how this is playing out.
Okay, so your ~cough~ 'mentor' has over 30 years experience, is known nation wide, you evidently think this means he is the know all be all, and you seem to have the utmost respect and trust in him, you allow him to ignore your submissive's safe word, while you are getting your jollies off in her mouth....after creating a topic here "safe words when does stop mean more?", several of us take the time to offer our opinion.....and now you have the audacity to defend him and defend the very thing you were asking for help on.
Welp....congrats....I am confused as hell.
I guess you are basically lucky as hell if you still have a sub.
And what a poor example you and your 'mentor' set for others that were watching.
Not sure if you have read all of my posts in this thread or not, but after looking from crouchingtigress' point of view, I had hope for you....if you have read my posts, you will know what I mean when I ask....."So fusion, how's that sand taste?"  Guess I do not have to be a genius to figure out when path you chose.

Anyone that wonders why the lifestyle sometimes gets a bad rep.....send them this thread.
Ridiculous!
Flame on, flame off...IDC! 

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 3:51:57 PM   
SlyStone


Posts: 398
Joined: 12/23/2006
From: Chicago
Status: offline
In my opinion safewords are limited as a scene controlling device because they are only useful if you can trust the dominant, and if you can trust the dominant they arnt really necessary, and if you can't trust the dominant they ain't gonna save you.

Use them if you like, but know the inherent limitations that come with their use and know that it always comes down to trusting who you are playing with. But I have said that before, some agree, other don't.

The real question of course is what this guy would have done if you or others were not present when the safeword was given.

Than how many more strokes I wonder?

_____________________________

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

Anais Nin

(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: safe words when does stop mean more? - 4/5/2007 3:56:39 PM   
OhBeMyMind


Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline 		Oh bloody hell...I could have saved myself plenty of time if I had just read your profile first.

**Note to self ...read profiles first before assuming someone is sincere in asking for help/opinions**

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: safe words whe does stop mea more? - 4/5/2007 3:59:35 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		I agree with the others who said he should of stopped immediately and you should of made sure he did.  What if she had called "red" because of a medical emergency.

quote:

During our drive home in what I would call "After care"  


What kind of after care can you give in the car? To me aftercare usually involves cuddling and treating any wounds.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to fusion)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: safe words when does stop mean more? Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109