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RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:10:52 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

Wow, maybe I'm going to get shouted down in flames here but I'm a little shocked at the intolerant responses!


i wont shout you down, but i will happily discus my thoughts on the subject calmly if you want.

quote:

So what does one do if one has been married happily for umpteen years, has a family and adores his/her partner but has this awful stirring towards BDSM that they know would very probably break up their relationship?


what ever you focus on grows, if some one is starting to have the stirrings, and they are very clear that they dont want to ruin a good marriage, they have several choices, besides the the one that will fuck them for ever.

they can try to involve their partner by making it attractive to them...so many folks try to involve their partner by begging and cajoling, or starting out very strong and they literally scare their partner...

if they have spent months and years thinking and dreaming they have conditioned themselves to a lot of the societally repulsive ideas...and to just expect that sort of conditioning right off the bat from their partner is wrong, but what happens is she /he freaks out and then wont go near it agin....prepare for a long journey and be patient.

they need to ask what is in it for them, you know what motivates  your partner, what they want out of life, try to approach it from their perspective, get on the same side not the opposite side....

encourage every little step they take

and stop going on a head with out them....listen if i had an interest in chess and i wanted to play with my lover, does it make sense for me to read chess books, go to chess masters, and chess websites in my free time....no, because what i have done is now evolved myself to a level of play that i can always beat them at, they will always feel like they are not enough of a challenge and i wont get a lot out of it either.

quote:

Do they risk all and tell ?


yes, the marriage is based in openness and honesty...not hiding and shame.

quote:

do they lead a double lifestyle with all concerned?


no, because they are dooming themselves to a living in a state of confusion, fear, overwhelm, paranoia, moroseness, and apathy, and because they themselves are cheating they begin to see the partner as cheating, dooming her life to her partner's paranoid suspicion, interrogating, and obsession....and often  damaging anger outbursts 

quote:

 do they try to put all thoughts toward BDSM on the back burner and just ignore the urge?


no but dont feed it either, look for solutions, for both people, not just for themselves, that to me is marriage in a nut shell.

quote:

I speak as a dominant within a relationship and if I take on a male sub then I prefer that he is married and happily so. The reason for this is, I do not want him in any way to encroach onto my relationship. I don't want him to get false hopes that anything other than a play sub will ever come of this and I want to know that when he goes home at the end of a session, he does so happily knowing he has a partner he can be with that he cares about. Ok so I don't do sex with male subs but it could still be looked at as dishonest.


you sound like a pro, i was a pro for years...whole different ballgame, if you ask me...

quote:

The man states clearly that he is not looking for a relationship. I'm sure theres a sub on here that feels the same way.


its not that i dont think hell find some one to do bdsm with, and because he is cut off from sex, and because kink has such a sexual element to it i am sure he will put his penis in this person, and then if you ask me you have a relationship...but thats just me, other folks may be able to put their penis in or have penises put in them and feel nothing, no bonding no connection...i have never been able to do that...i have however been capable of lying to myself and telling myself that it is not a reltionship...

i like your posts maria, they are clever and funny, we see things differently on this issue, i wrote this post to offer you a different perspective about what to do with all the poor whiny bitches that are cut off from sex so they have to cheat...

they love to try to convince us and themselves they have no options, they are just victims and that they have this need they cant control...i think thats bullshit, and i routinely tell them so....and make no mistake if i was still a pro i would tell them so while i was taking their money.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:11:30 AM   
myobedience


Posts: 472
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		I know what many here will respond with...
but I do totally understand the other side of the issue.
Through a friend I met a Dom in Nashville who is not only active in the local scene there, but is very married, very into his church and very much a sensual sadist.
When I went down to spend time with my g/f, I met him.  I wanted to know specifically everything about why and why and why with him.
In the end, I did understand his decision to continue to top and not tell his wife.  He made it perfectly clear he did not seek a relationship, but to have a bottom.
He told me he had several bottoms and meets them about once a month, very discreetly in another small town.
I also know of another sub/slave in Dallas who meets to bottom, while her heart is faithful to her master in NJ.  Both are married and the partners know nothing.
I know there are others in your predicament.  Only you can decide how to do this and why.
You must also be prepared to come clean if the wife ever found out and you must be honest with the sub....from the get go, you will not leave your wife.  Tis why the Dom in Nashville only topped married bottoms.... there was no romance involved.

good luck

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you is the only Man truly worthy of being called Master.

(in reply to princeoffire)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:15:48 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Princeof Fire

Here is my life in a nutshell:
1995- Married a guy I wasn't really in love with, wouldn't even have sex with him on our wedding night and maybe once or twice on our ten day honeymoon. I couldn't get him to understand (or even want to understand) what it was that I needed (to be fair, I didn't want to understand what he needed either).

1995-spring 2006- Had sex on average once a month (maybe every 6 weeks) just to get it over with. Had 2 children in the meantime.

Spring 2006-present- 
We finally had the guts to admit we needed to split up. He starts looking for an apartment.  One day (before he moved out) he was at work, kids were at school and I was settled in on my couch with my favorite vibrator for a couple of hours when hubby walks in.  I quickly hid it under the cushion.  He reaches over, finds it, tells me to continue with what I am doing and watches me.  But watches me way up close, about an inch away from my ass.  Has me make myself cum I don't know how many times that day and fucks me within an inch of my life....
So 13 years after we met, and 11 years after we got married,  all we wanted to do was have nasty, deviant sex anywhere and anytime we could.  This was only heightened when he got his own apartment.  We still got separated (because there were alot of other reasons for our marriage wasn't working) and we both sometimes see other people.  Damn if it doesn't get me hot and horny whenever I find out he has a date or the possibility of one.. I just want him even more.  I like when it happens.  Maybe it's because I know he will NEVER get anyone who knows how to turn him on or get him off better than me . Perhaps though, he will meet someone he wants to replace me with (and maybe I will too). That's a chance I'm willing to take.  All I know is finally, after more than a decade, I am having the BEST SEX OF MY LIFE and it's with my husband and father of my kids.

Now, this is just my story.  Food for thought if you will.  I am not suggesting you separate at all.  But my husband thought I was frigid and not interested in sex for  all those years... Then one day he caught me masturbating....

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to princeoffire)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:25:28 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Don't listen to these silly women as most of them are subs and the ones who lists themselves as Dommes, switches or lesbians are really just subs that simply haven't met the right guy yet.



This quote belongs on the 'what irritates you the MOST about the online BDSM community' thread...

TM


Ditto!

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:31:32 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Nice to see brutal introspection, honesty is always wonderful to see.

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:38:07 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

what ever you focus on grows


This is my wise quote for the day, and it is sooooo true.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:47:06 AM   
dznutzx69


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		I'll tell you now princeoffire.......It is not you or your profile or how you are approaching...


Most of these so called "Subs" are really just on here for shits and giggles...and to try to build up their egos by denying people.... There are very few sincere, honest,  and sane people on this site at all......I'm very close to just closing down my account myself.


I don't even think 1% of the crowd here is serious.

(in reply to princeoffire)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:49:18 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Don't listen to these silly women as most of them are subs and the ones who lists themselves as Dommes, switches or lesbians are really just subs that simply haven't met the right guy yet.



This quote belongs on the 'what irritates you the MOST about the online BDSM community' thread...

TM


No,  my posts like my subs are always put in the appropriate position....And EVERY woman who thinks that they are a Domme, switch or a lesbian simply hasn't had the pleasure of a taste of the Domidong....I hope this clears everything up for you.

_____________________________



(in reply to TexasMaam)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:50:03 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		LMAO, priceless!
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
The fact is- you are just another guy trying to cheat on his wife.  You need to accept and embrace that part of you in your search.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:50:48 AM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

I'll tell you now princeoffire.......It is not you or your profile or how you are approaching...


Most of these so called "Subs" are really just on here for shits and giggles...and to try to build up their egos by denying people.... There are very few sincere, honest,  and sane people on this site at all......I'm very close to just closing down my account myself.


I don't even think 1% of the crowd here is serious.


Spoken like someone who couldn't get a response from those 1%!

Just because we're picky about who we respond to doesn't make us any less sincere. I would say that it is EXACTLY him and his profile and how he's approaching.What sub with any sort of self respect approaches a married man? I've been with a married man before and I was at an all time low of self respect at the time, so I know first hand what causes it!

I don't deny people to build up my ego...I do it because what I'm looking for is so specific that probably LESS than1% of the people here are a potential match.

Just cause we're not willing to respond to every Joe Schmoe that tries to hook up with us doesn't make us less sincere..if anything it makes us MORE sincere since obviously we are serious about finding someone who is RIGHT as opposed to finding just anyone.

Check the sour grapes at the door buddy...it's not that we aren't genuine, it's probably that you just weren't the right match for anybody you tried to get with.

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 4/8/2007 9:52:33 AM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:57:25 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: princeoffire

I am newto all of this and have been reading to try to learn the ettiquette here. I would like to knowwhat is the best and most proper way to approach a sub. I have seen ere that many do ot like a harsh approach andthat it is generaly not an accepted practice to demand things on a first meeting. I have sent messages toa few and have nly had one response and then that stopped. I updated my profile since after I read it I thought it may be a bit of a turn off. I would also like to know if there is a good way to approach the subject of marriage. I am married but my wife is very vanilla and quite honestly seems to have lost interest in regular sex let alone anything with a bit of kink to it.She also would not approve and would probably hit the roof if she knew I was here.I don't want to misrepresent myself either as I am not looking to end my marriage. I just want to be able to explore this with out being thought of as just another guy wanting to cheat on his wife.I love her but life seems to always get in the way of us getting together let alone trying to get time to bring something new into the mix.


The best way to approach a submissive is with your eyes lowered, holding many offerings of chocolate.  Do not approach to quickly or they will snarl at anyone they percieve to be strangers.  Once you've lowered the offering of chocolate to the ground, walk backwards away from them s-l-o-w-l-y because you may think they have only seen the chocolate and not you, but they are very tricky.

Expect a response in 6-8 weeks if your chocolate offering was well recieved.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to princeoffire)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:59:32 AM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

The best way to approach a submissive is with your eyes lowered, holding many offerings of chocolate.  Do not approach to quickly or they will snarl at anyone they percieve to be strangers.  Once you've lowered the offering of chocolate to the ground, walk backwards away from them s-l-o-w-l-y because you may think they have only seen the chocolate and not you, but they are very tricky.

Expect a response in 6-8 weeks if your chocolate offering was well recieved.

C~


And don't forget to douse yourself in sub urine odor so they will think you're part of the pack...try to stay upwind....


_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 9:59:53 AM   
Badkitty0810


Posts: 223
Joined: 2/18/2006
From: NH
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

I'll tell you now princeoffire.......It is not you or your profile or how you are approaching...


Most of these so called "Subs" are really just on here for shits and giggles...and to try to build up their egos by denying people.... There are very few sincere, honest,  and sane people on this site at all......I'm very close to just closing down my account myself.


I don't even think 1% of the crowd here is serious.


Spoken like someone who couldn't get a response from those 1%!

Just because we're picky about who we respond to doesn't make us any less sincere. I would say that it is EXACTLY him and his profile and how he's approaching.What sub with any sort of self respect approaches a married man? I've been with a married man before and I was at an all time low of self respect at the time, so I know first hand what causes it!

I don't deny people to build up my ego...I do it because what I'm looking for is so specific that probably LESS than1% of the people here are a potential match.

Just cause we're not willing to respond to every Joe Schmoe that tries to hook up with us doesn't make us less sincere..if anything it makes us MORE sincere since obviously we are serious about finding someone who is RIGHT as opposed to finding just anyone.

Check the sour grapes at the door buddy...it's not that we aren't genuine, it's probably that you just weren't the right match for anybody you tried to get with.


Geeky, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Nicely done. 

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:04:35 AM   
dznutzx69


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		But you deny without having any idea who they are......without even giving anyone a chance......
so it is clearly done for your ego......

come on day after day claiming you seek someone and they are right in front of you.......but you block because you don't like the way they said hello? give me a break!

< Message edited by dznutzx69 -- 4/8/2007 10:07:12 AM >

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:07:53 AM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

But you deny without having any idea who they are......without even giving anyone a chance......
so it is clearly done for your ego......


BS. I know from just looking at their profile whether they meet my basic criteria or not. The majority of the people who message me don't even meet my age and location requirements. I don't care "who they are" if they aren't the right age and the right location. I would estimate that less than 1 in 20 of my emails are from people age 25-35 in the DFW area. And most of those,based on the info in their profile, don't meet my requirement of being childfree, not married, and monogamous minded.

I don't care about who you are until you make it through my basic checklist..unfortunately most people don't get that far.

My ego is fine as it is, trust me. If you are going to email someone when you OBVIOUSLY don't meet their criteria, don't be suprised when you don't get a response.

How you say hello actually says quite a bit about who you are. If you're unique and talkative and intelligent, you can probably think of something better than "Hi how are you?"

ETA: Although I am technically seeking, it is more along the lines of "I'm open to meeting someone." I'm pretty happy being single right now but if someone who was JUST right for me showed up, I wouldn't turn him away. The thing is, because I'm happy with single life, you'd have to meet my criteria to a T in order for me to give you the time of day..it's not about ego, it's about having better things to do than desperately searching for a romantic partner. I have friends and sex partners...a romance would be nice but I don't see it as a necessity right now.


< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 4/8/2007 10:12:03 AM >

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:10:19 AM   
dznutzx69


Posts: 12
Status: offline 		The fact that you would even have a basic checklist..........

you are setting yourself up to spend the rest of your life alone... on one is going to fit your checklist

(in reply to GeekyGirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:12:07 AM   
FukinTroll


Posts: 6277
Joined: 2/6/2007
From: Under a bridge
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

The fact that you would even have a basic checklist..........

you are setting yourself up to spend the rest of your life alone... on one is going to fit your checklist


Hmmm... post number 5.
 
Your assessment of GG is flawed. She is quite sought after.

_____________________________

I'm the guy your girl is thinking about when she is fucking you!

TrollTopia
Greedy Groupie!

The Mods have me on speed Spank!! Gotta luv'em.

(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:13:53 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

The fact that you would even have a basic checklist..........

you are setting yourself up to spend the rest of your life alone... on one is going to fit your checklist


please stop hijacking this thread start your own thread if you want to talk about your personal issues...as i have said eleswhere you have a lot to learn...you can either shut up and hang out with a whole group of folks that have a way of doing things that they have been doing for decades ...or you can continue to be petulant and whine about why this world does not conform to how you want it to be.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:14:33 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

The fact that you would even have a basic checklist..........

you are setting yourself up to spend the rest of your life alone... on one is going to fit your checklist


You know what, there are people that have basic criteria that find what they are looking for in a mate every single day in the Good Ol' USA, I am a prime example. I made a list of what would please me in a mate, and you know what, I got it ALL. I mean down to the last detail... and there were 22 details on my list from interests to age to lifestyle choices.

I know it is hard to believe, but even choosy people find each other.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: proper way to approach a sub - 4/8/2007 10:14:41 AM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dznutzx69

The fact that you would even have a basic checklist..........

you are setting yourself up to spend the rest of your life alone... on one is going to fit your checklist


Every guy I've ever gone out with has met my checklist and I've had no shortage of dates. I have 3 play partners right now that meet my checklist...I just don't want a relationship with them for various personal reasons.

You say "spend your life alone" like it's a bad thing. Why are we so hung up on finding partners? If you can't be happy alone, there is something wrong with your self esteem. You shouldn't need someone else to make you feel like a whole human being.

Yes, I LOVE having a long term partner and I feel it fulfills me...but it's not my reason for living and as I've said before, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't meet my standards.

And really, age, location, marital status..those are pretty general standards that MOST people have!


_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to dznutzx69)
Profile   Post #: 60
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