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CreativeDominant -> RE: Do you want to "just" dominate, or to totally change your sub? (4/12/2007 12:33:07 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I am asking this Q, because I've received one or two letters lately, that made me contemplate this topic.
I realize that submissives want to be dominated, and that Dominants want/need to dominate them. That is all well and good, and fine by me (even though I am a Switch, I still do love being dominated, by a Dominant). However -
*Where does a "line" need to be drawn (if anywhere) as far as a Dominant wanting to change a submissive to "fit" their desires?
The line needs to be drawn where the dominants wants and needs and desires meets and complements the submissive's needs and wants and desires with enough of a "shading" to that line to allow for growth, for caution, and for the willingness of the submissive to yield her will to another and the dominant's willingness to accept that. On a very basic level, most dominants start with the idea of "I will be flexible and listen but I will not be topped from the bottom."
quote:
I can understand a Dominant wanting to change the way a sumissive addresses them, or choose their clothing, or have them serve them in particular ways, etc. and I do get the idea that basically what the Dominant wants, the Dominant can/should expect to receive. I really do, and basically in this regard, I strive to cooperate, and be pleasing to someone. I also don't consider myself to be "just" a "bottom." I consider myself a submissive.
However, my question is this: If a submissive is so utterly un-like what a Dominant thinks they need or want, in that they feel compelled to change almost everything about them, or otherwise alter their basic personality, isn't this really more a matter of simple incompatibility between two people, that maybe are just not a "good match"?
When is "enough" domination really "too much" in this regard? Is there a "line" you draw in your own relationships at all, re: This kind of thing? Or a philopsophy you follow?
Any thoughts? From Dominants, slaves, subs - all who have an opinion, please feel free to answer.
This isn't a "whine" btw - it is a real question. Thanks for any replies.
On a very basic level, I think that most dominants start with the basic concept of "I will be flexible and I will listen and, if I am smart, most things I try to get you to do will have elements of both of us reflected in the dominance...but I will not be topped from the bottom." In many situations that can occur in D/s and/or in BDSM play, how much of the struggle occurs because of a submissive not wanting her "inner core personality" changed and how much is due to a submissive feeling that the dominant's way is not right and she knows a better way for the dominant to get her to do what the dominant wants and he's not doing it that way? How often does it occur that it is not the core personality that he is attempting to change but rather a way of behavior and wants it done this way and she does not agree and so, cites him for trying to change her personality, her "inner core"? How much is it due to a submissive being sure she wants a dominant, making the considered choice to submit to him and then, when a difficult situation comes up she finds herself doubting his ability to "know" what is best for her, or even setting her aside, the relationship? At some point, couldn't the question become: If you always think you know the best way to dominate you, then what do you need me or any other dominant for other than in a "service" oriented way of dominance in which you tell the dominant "I want to get to Point B from Point A. I want you to direct me how to get there but I want you to direct me in the way I tell you...?
Perhaps the above is not politically correct. I am not a politically correct person. And before anybody just reads the above and fails to look back on past posts of mine and just decides from the above that I am an uncaring, CroMagnon ass, please let me direct you to previous posts of mine and to this: I am not saying that there is no area that the dominant cannot manage. The submissives I've been with had areas of their life that I stayed out of other than to ask them how it was going or to give help, if offered. There were areas of sexuality that were limits that I pushed at but that pushing was done with elements of their wants and needs and desires and cautions and my own. Not mine alone...but not theirs either.
The stuff noted about choosing shoes and clothing and food...that, to me, is day to day stuff that I don't care to manage. If she wants help that way...I can do it, it is not just that big of a thrill for me. And I would be the first to admit I do not get off on micro-management.
The more important stuff is where the most important lines get drawn...but before you draw that line, you have to ask yourself some deep questions about your submission or your dominance, and what it is you want from them.
***One Final Note: The Disclaimer
The above are my thoughts only, based on my life's experiences , seminar attendance, reading, conversation and any other means of learning of which I have availed myself.
Please note that no names were mentioned and no submissives, dominants, bottoms, tops, switches went down in flames.
Your viewpoint on this same subject may differ completely from mine. That might make for interesting discussion....
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