RE: to respond or not to respond

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: to respond or not to respond

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: to respond or not to respond

Page: << < prev 2 3 4 5 [6]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 7:26:51 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I definitely know what I am not looking for, though, and if the greater insinuation, based on someone's letter, or one-liner, or profile, seems to be that someone is not going to be what that is, I say ending something (or just not starting it) sooner, rather than later, is the most humane thing to do.

Precisely, Susan.
Nobody gets ruled in as a match by what's included in a profile or letter of introduction (and that's a really really generous term when you consider the nature of many of the one-liners people send), but many people get ruled out that way.

Can I tell Im not interested in cuckholdforyoumaam43 based on what's written in his profile? Absotively!
Did I know I wanted very much to learn more about my Daddy the first time I read his inital email? Posilutely!

Edited to add that I do try very hard to respond with a "Thank you" to any compliments I receive via email. It feels good and I like to make sure the person knows I appreciate it.

< Message edited by justheather -- 4/15/2007 7:44:48 PM >

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 101

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 7:42:53 PM

pearlmoongirl

Posts: 68
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

I try to send a "thanks for the note but" sort of response; if there's a clear reason why I am saying "no thanks," too, I'll point that out, i.e, geographical distance.

Sometimes I don't know how to respond, though, because I don't know how to process the first message. The Dom Who demands an answer because every sub needs to be obedient just isn't worth it - and of course, I know that any response to that kind of note will be taken as encouragement.

~ pmg

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

Post #: 102

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 7:48:16 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

justheather, you crack me up. That is exactly what I mean, yes. "Iamyourlatexscatboy" and I, are just not gonna go happy into forever-loving honeymoon land, I am, afraid.

I am not trying to be mean, but we all have a right to our own "kink preferences."

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/15/2007 7:49:14 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to pearlmoongirl)

Post #: 103

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 7:53:25 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

The main problem I have with the idea that any and all emails must be responded to is the reality that there is a subset of people in this place who never learned how to take "no" for an answer.

For these people, any response they receive will be considered "playing hard to get" or "she wants it, spaz" or whatever.

There is no 100% guaranteed right answer to this question. Not responding will let the person know 100% of the time that, for whatever reason, the person is not interested.

Sinergy

p.s. I almost always reply to emails sent to me, but that is just me and I could be wrong.

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 104

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 7:56:02 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I don't get bent out of shape about people viewing my profile, or not responding to me. I also don't care what others think if I don't respond to their pm's. I don't understand why people are so sensy about on-line stuff. I figure they have nothing else going on in their world and this is their life.

lol at "sensy". I like that.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 105

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 8:02:43 PM

unsung

Posts: 183
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline

Get the email, 80% by fact are married,(that might be low), active members from the location I reside are a low count of which the 80% account from, most notes I get compose of the following:

Incoming email: hi
Outgoing email: hi
Incoming email : how are you
Outgoing email: I am fine

Kind of dry conversation to me, As Elaine put it "he's not spunge worthy". Damn I had to use that cause it just came into my mind. I thought that episode was hilarious.

(in reply to amuzingtoyou)

Post #: 106

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 8:05:11 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: unsung

Kind of dry conversation to me, As Elaine put it "he's not spunge worthy". Damn I had to use that cause it just came into my mind. I thought that episode was hilarious.

LOL one of the best TV lines ever.

I've had email strings like that. Usually I'll end up saying, "OK if you're not going to say anything substantive, don't write to me anymore." And then they don't.

(in reply to unsung)

Post #: 107

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 8:49:03 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Until a month or so ago, I mostly tried to answer mail. I did, with occasional lapses (but I was aware and felt badly about them if they happened, even then). And then I ended a budding relationship w/ a propspective Dominant, and decided to re-write my profile, and stated pretty explicitly in it, that for now, I am seeking only friends.

This is true, I am not seeking anything more, at the moment (although there is one person I am hoping might turn into more than that, that situation is my personal business, in any case).

I am seriously considering changing my profile again, and saying I am "Here for the forums only" - because I recieved about 25 letters in a row, within the past 2 months, from men who claimed that they, too were "just seeking friendship" and then, if I answered them, within about 3 e-mails, more than a few were asking me if I had a web-cam and would cam for them, did I want phone sex, etc.

Then, when I didn't appear to want to do that, suddenly, I was a "bitch" or "led them on" or was "naive", or they just plain disappeared. I was anything but suggestive, and was just being a regular, nice person in my interactions (and I know the difference. I know what happened, in these cases).

Unfortunately, these guys sort of temporarily ruined it for me, for the possibly sincere men who actually think they can be "just friends" w/someone of the opposite gender (if they are hetero).

I will possibly be seeking a partner in the near future. But saying I am seeking "just friends", no matter how ambiguous that statment may seem to some, in my case is actually the truth right now.

And I've ignored a lot of my mail since I got those letters, too. Maybe I am being unrealistic in my expectations, and I can deal with my mail. I am not trying to sound arrogant, and I do think it's nice that I get some.

I will try to do better re: Answering some (or all) of it. But - if anyone out there is wondering why I didn't write them back, that is the real reason. I know it sucks as an excuse, but I was feeling pretty jaded, and also burned out by the experiences I mentioned. I never whine about this kind of thing either. End of rant.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/15/2007 9:08:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 108

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 10:57:58 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I've noticed not a lot of people actually respond to my emails, but I think that's because they're in the mindset of having to deal with people who are constantly hitting them up with emails. So, I guess you get used to it after awhile.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 109

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/15/2007 11:33:05 PM

juxmeeh

Posts: 7
Joined: 4/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikolette

KatyLied:

Yes I have NO idea why people are weirded out about other's viewing their profile.... It seems absurd to me. I look at other people's profile all the time. If they aren't someone I'd obviously be interested in- often I'm just curious about them in the platonic way. Additionally if people make interesting posts on the message boards 70% of the time I will look at their profile just because I'd like to know more about them.

Ditto. I check out people that say something that strikes a chord or people that always have great words of wisdom as well as people that I'm curious about for other reasons.
As far as mail goes, I try to respond to any messages I get unless they are beyond disgusting or something, then I might ignore it.

(in reply to Nikolette)

Post #: 110

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 12:08:07 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

But It only takes five seconds to type, "Thanks but no Thanks" and click send...
Hell you don't even have to type it out each time, cut and paste it once and fire away.
See it's not that hard to be polite to the guys who sent you a POLITE email!!!

Perhaps you could include a disclaimer with each email you send out:

"I will not bother you again with 100s of emails begging you to reconsider me. I will not email you petty insults because you state you are not interested. I will not moan about you on message boards constantly if you will just respond politely to my email of whether or not you return my interest"

It seems to me that you are frustrated with the wrong people, you should be frustrated with the abusive jerks that cannot take rejection, with the spammers that email canned letters to everything with breasts on this site, to those who think "no" actually means "yes". Being polite should not be an invitation to abuse, and since it seems to be around here it is much wiser to ignore emails from those whom one wishes no contact with.

I tried to email everyone that showed interest in me, more than 50% of the time my polite rejection was taken as an open invitation to spam me some more, or to call me names and insult me. Even now when I email someone back because they repeatedly email me (it states clearly I am taken, and by whom) they are often defensive and insulting because they failed to read my profile.

If you were on the receiving end of pages of emails from individuals that had a 50% chance of not taking no for an answer, or calling you names and insulting you, would you answer and invite more into your life? Calculate how many abusive emails you would receive back out of 300 emails. Then imagine all the dominants that insist they "just want to be friends and stay in touch to be friendly"... as if anyone has time for dozens of dominant penpals... puhlease! People seriously trying to meet people to cultivate a relationship need to invest their correspondence time on serious contenders, not on minutia thrust unwittingly upon them by some stranger they wish no contact with "just to be polite".

Being polite does not require huge investments of one's time reading abusive emails and people that are clueless and cannot take hints.... That is like saying it is only "polite" to allow people I do not know to engage me in endless conversations.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NewShoes)

Post #: 111

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 12:17:05 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

But It only takes five seconds to type, "Thanks but no Thanks" and click send...
Hell you don't even have to type it out each time, cut and paste it once and fire away.
See it's not that hard to be polite to the guys who sent you a POLITE email!!!

Perhaps you could include a disclaimer with each email you send out:

"I will not bother you again with 100s of emails begging you to reconsider me. I will not email you petty insults because you state you are not interested. I will not moan about you on message boards constantly if you will just respond politely to my email of whether or not you return my interest"

It seems to me that you are frustrated with the wrong people, you should be frustrated with the abusive jerks that cannot take rejection, with the spammers that email canned letters to everything with breasts on this site, to those who think "no" actually means "yes". Being polite should not be an invitation to abuse, and since it seems to be around here it is much wiser to ignore emails from those whom one wishes no contact with.

I tried to email everyone that showed interest in me, more than 50% of the time my polite rejection was taken as an open invitation to spam me some more, or to call me names and insult me. Even now when I email someone back because they repeatedly email me (it states clearly I am taken, and by whom) they are often defensive and insulting because they failed to read my profile.

If you were on the receiving end of pages of emails from individuals that had a 50% chance of not taking no for an answer, or calling you names and insulting you, would you answer and invite more into your life? Calculate how many abusive emails you would receive back out of 300 emails. Then imagine all the dominants that insist they "just want to be friends and stay in touch to be friendly"... as if anyone has time for dozens of dominant penpals... puhlease! People seriously trying to meet people to cultivate a relationship need to invest their correspondence time on serious contenders, not on minutia thrust unwittingly upon them by some stranger they wish no contact with "just to be polite".

Being polite does not require huge investments of one's time reading abusive emails and people that are clueless and cannot take hints.... That is like saying it is only "polite" to allow people I do not know to engage me in endless conversations.

Actually, quite often when I write someone out of the blue, I almost always include a disclaimer stating that if she does not feel comfortable continuing the conversation or is not interested, I will not continue to email her, and I keep that word. But to be honest, I've only written half a dozen women on these boards since I've been here (concerning relationship possibilities), so that type of disclaimer is really not that hard to type out. If I was one of those that emailed every woman who signs up for an account, that might be more difficult.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 112

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 12:19:58 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

That is probably why they email you back...smiles.

Seriously, I really tried to answer everyone, even the one liners, but I got responses like... "Fuck you cunt" A LOT. It kinda jaded me to be honest.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 113

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 12:34:21 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

See the guys like you, little sarbonn, are actually sort of getting royally screwed over, IMO by the weirdo, immature, "Domly Doms" (or the equivalent for male subs) who actually aren't "Domly" enough to control their own emotions.

I am not trying to palm off responisibiltiy here, and I am going to try to get better at answering all mail, but I really believe there are many who come to this site believing it isn't going to be anything like the "vanilla" world, in terms of needing to display much (if any) common social protocol when approaching a prospective partner.

Maybe for some it doesn't matter, as some really are just looking to hook-up, and then off they go. Fine by me. However, I am seeking (or will be) an actual LTR, and expect things like manners, and going on "real dates", etc., even if it will be a D/s relationship w/bdsm activity. I can't imagine why just because it's a D/s relationship, manners suddenly go out the window.

I can't really see why some think otherwise. I mean I know there are "players" etc, but I think it is an true mis-conception for some, and a real misunderstanding. I may start an actual thread about this, I feel so strongly about it, but am afraid it will be perceived as just another "whine". Plus, it's not like it hasn't been said before.

But I honestly think that there is a mis-conception for many, that simply because this is bdsm, and not "vanilla" land, and also due to the nature of the D/s relationship, that some of the "vanilla" type manners some might have otherwise had to display toward a prospective partner, are simply are no longer applicable.

Nothing, IMO, could be further from the truth, at least for me.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/16/2007 12:44:58 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 114

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 2:39:24 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaineD

quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone

Greetings

I agree with katylied here. Just ignore it and move on. Personally, I don't even read any mail that I receive. It is deleted unread.

I wish you well

melissa

That's kinda stupid. Whats the point in having a profile on a site like this, and deleting ALL your messages? Just state in your profile you don't want ANY messages. Although, I can't imagine why you'd join a site like this and not want messages. Ridiculous.

Your reply is very rude, it is not ridiculous at all. Different people use this site for different things. You obviously use it as a way to try and meet people. Others, like me do not.

I have tried wording my profile in all sorts of ways, "Not Looking", "Owned and happy", "Owned by" to the now totally blank one, yet I still get the usual emails from people who cannot understand that there are some females that are really not interested. I still get the usual "I am better than your Master", "I want to be your slave" emails or my favourite of late, an email that just said "me" with a picture attached that was............... um not nice. I find those rude. Why should I spend my time replying to people that are rude enough to contact me in the first place.

(in reply to KaineD)

Post #: 115

RE: to respond or not to respond - 4/16/2007 4:32:55 AM

m0rgan

Posts: 403
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

yes!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 116

RE: to respond or not to respond - 5/10/2007 5:17:59 AM

Wildnfreehrt2004

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewShoes

Kaine....you're putting a good fight!!! You have all the right arguments but I learned over at the b.com forums on this subject, it 's like banging your ahead against the wall.

Hell the opening line of my profile goes to being polite enough to reply because EMAIL IS FREE here!!!

Somebody suggested switching genders and boy that is something I wish you girls would think about. Remember it then would be you doing the hunting, sending out the emails.
You sign up here, you find say ohhhh 30 people from around the US you write to....and then you watch and watch as each email is opened but no reply....
(Where is Genesis, " There's No Reply At All,")...
More mail is opened and nothing...
It is damn discouraging...because you sent an email that clearly showed that you read the other persons profile. You were polite and courteous in your note. And now nothing in return....
And all you want is a simple "Thanks but No Thanks" if there isn't a match. But you don't get NOTHING:)
Again, it is damn discouraging.

I use to like to send out a complimentary emails when I read a profile I liked but wasn't a match for 'some' reason.
Again, most women aren't even polite enough to say, "Thanks" for a simple compliment!

Over at b.com if you are a paying member, you can not only tell if the mail was read but if the person deleted it too.
I guess that would be some sort of reply since the mail is in the trash:)

Now if I was a girl getting all of the mail, like the guys who sent a rude/crude note. I would not only delete the mail but put them on block so they couldn't fire another email back at me.

But It only takes five seconds to type, "Thanks but no Thanks" and click send...
Hell you don't even have to type it out each time, cut and paste it once and fire away.
See it's not that hard to be polite to the guys who sent you a POLITE email!!!

Cheers,
Barry

But then there are women who do reply politely, and you make assumptions and still get offended that it wasn't the answer 'you' wanted and you block them so their polite reply doesn't reach you - so who is being the mature one here?

Yes it was amazing that someone might take the time to explain it, however I'm guessing it would fall on deaf ears because you've probably heard it many times and don't consider it valid.

Number one, you mentioned two states I'm never in, so your personal habits don't matter to me and my allergies weren't/arent' relevent.
Number two, you sent an email in a fun vein, I responded in kind based on the info in the email. I listed allergies, including to cigarettes and other things. You made an assumption, not I. You took the comment about meeting in Texass seriously, I didn't. My comments were light-hearted and fun, marked with "(teasing)".
I then read your profile and saw that it is a big issue for you, it isn't a big issue for me.
I sincerely wished you good luck in your search - you responded with a sarcastic reply and blocked. Very mature.
And you think I'm amazing? thanks for the compliment!!!
Wildy

(in reply to NewShoes)

Post #: 117

RE: to respond or not to respond - 5/10/2007 6:30:33 AM

Handspankingdom

Posts: 20
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline

Personally, I tend to think when someone doesn't reply it's for any of the below reasons.

1). I am not their cup of tea. This is fine, a quick note indicating so will suffice. My initial introduction is always pleasant and respectful-- I see no reason why a quick 'no thank you' should put someone out.

2). They are time wasters and are not really here to meet people-- just perhaps to satisfy / explore 'anonymously' a secret desire they have no intent on following thru with. I have no problem with this at all, as I understand everyone has a different level of intent, but we need to be up front and honest about this in order to foster contacts/friendships.

3). They may not really understand what sub/dom roles are.   Many dom(me)s and subs alike are here to fulfill an agenda -- be it sexual or othewise. Anyone can assign themself a 'self ascribed' title like dom or sub, but we woud do well to fully understand what we are indicating when doing so AND we need to relay our wants/needs honestly in order to see our needs are met.

I "try" to offer most the benefit of the doubt, but because I have been involved in this world for many years, I am also familiar with time wasters / wannabes or wankers (guys and girls) seeking to get their rocks off behind a computer screen.  A telltale sign for me is a person who may indicate they have no limits, and submits right away without getting to know someone (I pray that such a person is a wanker and not nearly so woefully naive).

I suppose at one time, I too let a lack of response bother me, but aside from a lack of courtesy, I just make peace with it and move on.

Hope this helps.

Michael

(in reply to misspage)

Post #: 118

RE: to respond or not to respond - 5/10/2007 8:25:25 AM

charismagirrl

Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

i dont get offended if i don't get a response from a message i send BUT any message i send is in reply to one initially sent to me.
i always respond to anyone that takes the time to message me, but it's usually to just let them know thank you, but i am happily owned. Personally to me it is just being polite and good mannered.

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to misspage)

Post #: 119

RE: to respond or not to respond - 5/10/2007 8:41:59 AM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Well, I answer ALL reasonable notes; but one of my definitions of 'reasonable' includes that they've first read my profile. Sooooooooooo... if they're 23, or in another country, or across this country from me, or have no interest in MY interests... then I don't bother with a reply. Like Julia...I'm overly tired of being told to F-off.

I just don't understand bothering to write a long letter to someone whose profile you've not even read. <shakes head>

B

(in reply to charismagirrl)

Post #: 120

Page: << < prev 2 3 4 5 [6]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: to respond or not to respond

Page: << < prev 2 3 4 5 [6]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.156