quote:

minnetar:  Questions aren't just dropped.  Curious natures tend to ask the question over-and-over-and-over ad infinitum...and a "I don't want to discuss it" actually in my case was counter-productive.  My son assumed I was {insert negative feeling here} and tried to console me; while it was interesting to watch his reaction, it's not an answer that *he* will accept on a regular basis.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

minnetar:  Questions aren't just dropped.  Curious natures tend to ask the question over-and-over-and-over ad infinitum...and a "I don't want to discuss it" actually in my case was counter-productive.  My son assumed I was {insert negative feeling here} and tried to console me; while it was interesting to watch his reaction, it's not an answer that *he* will accept on a regular basis.

Or they fill in the blank about the other person in the worst possible light. In other words, not saying anything can cause the child to fill in the blanks in the most imaginative and destructive ways. They could conceivably invent a story that is possibly worse than the truth. I know my son did, there was one occasion that I had to actually tell him the truth as to keep him from assuming the worst about his father.

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ORIGINAL: minnetar

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

minnetar:  Questions aren't just dropped.  Curious natures tend to ask the question over-and-over-and-over ad infinitum...and a "I don't want to discuss it" actually in my case was counter-productive.  My son assumed I was {insert negative feeling here} and tried to console me; while it was interesting to watch his reaction, it's not an answer that *he* will accept on a regular basis.

Or they fill in the blank about the other person in the worst possible light. In other words, not saying anything can cause the child to fill in the blanks in the most imaginative and destructive ways. They could conceivably invent a story that is possibly worse than the truth. I know my son did, there was one occasion that I had to actually tell him the truth as to keep him from assuming the worst about his father.

Then you need to seek professional help in order to find a way to explain it to your child.
Making any derogatory comments towards the father isn't the right thing to do to a child.

minnetar 

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

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ORIGINAL: minnetar

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

minnetar:  Questions aren't just dropped.  Curious natures tend to ask the question over-and-over-and-over ad infinitum...and a "I don't want to discuss it" actually in my case was counter-productive.  My son assumed I was {insert negative feeling here} and tried to console me; while it was interesting to watch his reaction, it's not an answer that *he* will accept on a regular basis.

Or they fill in the blank about the other person in the worst possible light. In other words, not saying anything can cause the child to fill in the blanks in the most imaginative and destructive ways. They could conceivably invent a story that is possibly worse than the truth. I know my son did, there was one occasion that I had to actually tell him the truth as to keep him from assuming the worst about his father.

Then you need to seek professional help in order to find a way to explain it to your child.
Making any derogatory comments towards the father isn't the right thing to do to a child.

minnetar 

It is extremely obvious to me that you have never had a child.

You see they do not come with instructions. All parents are fucked in the head, need help, and screw up. I have yet to know one parent that I could not find fault with, and most of us survive and prosper despite how fucked up our parents are. Now please go write your manual for perfect parenthood since you are such an expert, and then go about reproducing yourself and follow that instruction manual. I bet you fail... you see we parents have one duty to our kids, that they survive us and go on to support themselves and have children of their own to fuck up... it is a cycle you see. There is no such thing as a "functional" family... they are all rotten on some level when one peers inside no matter how others may protest how perfectly they parent. I say this based upon my psych 101 class and my many associations with people that came from families different from my own.

My UM will soon not be a UM any longer. He is drug free, he tries to make me proud, he has a wonderful ethical compass, he is tender loving and kind. He helps with his family members that cannot fend for themselves. He adores me, despite my many flaws (and he could list them for you too). Now I will judge myself on the product of my parenting, even though he deserves much more credit for who he is than I can take... what can I say... my UM is my hero.

If he needed professional help because of my terrible parenting, being that I did it alone and tried to compensate for that through involving my extended family in his life, well I would admit that and get him help. But for some stranger on a message board to assume my UM is somehow disturbed because he wanted to know why exactly his father never called or came around, what happened in our marriage that caused that, and what kind of person his absent father was... well that seems to be stretching it your powers of observation based upon what you read on message boards.

Since my Daddy went to bed,  I will say, his UMs are extremely successful, so he and his exwife must not be total monsters either...

now this subject is closed with me

quote:

we parents have one duty to our kids, that they survive us and go on to support themselves and have children of their own to fuck up... it is a cycle you see.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

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ORIGINAL: minnetar

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ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

minnetar:  Questions aren't just dropped.  Curious natures tend to ask the question over-and-over-and-over ad infinitum...and a "I don't want to discuss it" actually in my case was counter-productive.  My son assumed I was {insert negative feeling here} and tried to console me; while it was interesting to watch his reaction, it's not an answer that *he* will accept on a regular basis.

Or they fill in the blank about the other person in the worst possible light. In other words, not saying anything can cause the child to fill in the blanks in the most imaginative and destructive ways. They could conceivably invent a story that is possibly worse than the truth. I know my son did, there was one occasion that I had to actually tell him the truth as to keep him from assuming the worst about his father.

Then you need to seek professional help in order to find a way to explain it to your child.
Making any derogatory comments towards the father isn't the right thing to do to a child.

minnetar 

It is extremely obvious to me that you have never had a child.

You see they do not come with instructions. All parents are fucked in the head, need help, and screw up. I have yet to know one parent that I could not find fault with, and most of us survive and prosper despite how fucked up our parents are. Now please go write your manual for perfect parenthood since you are such an expert, and then go about reproducing yourself and follow that instruction manual. I bet you fail... you see we parents have one duty to our kids, that they survive us and go on to support themselves and have children of their own to fuck up... it is a cycle you see. There is no such thing as a "functional" family... they are all rotten on some level when one peers inside no matter how others may protest how perfectly they parent. I say this based upon my psych 101 class and my many associations with people that came from families different from my own.

My UM will soon not be a UM any longer. He is drug free, he tries to make me proud, he has a wonderful ethical compass, he is tender loving and kind. He helps with his family members that cannot fend for themselves. He adores me, despite my many flaws (and he could list them for you too). Now I will judge myself on the product of my parenting, even though he deserves much more credit for who he is than I can take... what can I say... my UM is my hero.

If he needed professional help because of my terrible parenting, being that I did it alone and tried to compensate for that through involving my extended family in his life, well I would admit that and get him help. But for some stranger on a message board to assume my UM is somehow disturbed because he wanted to know why exactly his father never called or came around, what happened in our marriage that caused that, and what kind of person his absent father was... well that seems to be stretching it your powers of observation based upon what you read on message boards.

Since my Daddy went to bed,  I will say, his UMs are extremely successful, so he and his exwife must not be total monsters either...

now this subject is closed with me

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You are saying I blamed my exhusband? You have reading comprehension problems, I never blamed him. I did everything I could NOT to blame him. My concern was my son would blame himself, think that he was somehow flawed that his father did not take the time to get to know him or one iota of effort... you try explaining THAT one to a little person without hurting them, think up the words that you would use. I tried so hard not to talk badly about my ex I just refused to talk about him at all... and when I did I told my son he was sick, that he had a disease called addiction. I call that pretty kind compared to the things I could have said about him. You have no clue how hard it is to watch your child with a hole in their heart and you have no answera to fill it, it was a constant cloud upon him, and it broke my heart for him. You just have no clue, none at all

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ORIGINAL: dcnovice

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we parents have one duty to our kids, that they survive us and go on to support themselves and have children of their own to fuck up... it is a cycle you see.

Edwin Friedman, who was one of the pioneers of family-systems thinking, used to say that the problem with parents was that they had parents.

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ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Minnetar ---

I try to not to get personal on these boards, but I have to say that my respect for you has dropped with each of your posts in this thread. Your telling parents how to raise their own children, something you admit you've never done, is getting really tedious.

DC

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ORIGINAL: dcnovice

Minnetar ---

I try to not to get personal on these boards, but I have to say that my respect for you has dropped with each of your posts in this thread. Your telling parents how to raise their own children, something you admit you've never done, is getting really tedious.

DC

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ORIGINAL: dcnovice

And I have written back.