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Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:15:08 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
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    Throughout my years on the net, this topic is popped up more than once.   The Dominant wants to use another.   This can be for scenes or intercourse---(not to be confused with poly that is a whole different topic)   When this topic is brought up most of the time there is a great amount of negativity surrounding it.    I've heard things such as, 'it's cheating,'   "I would not allow it or be with a Dom who desired that sort of thing."  I've heard people say they would feel jealous, insecure, that they would feel like they were being replaced, that they were not good enough therefore he needed to be with someone else.   All of those feelings are valid and I can understand and relate to those feelings and ideas.    I simply do not possess those feelings.
      Sometimes, I wonder if I am alone in this way of thinking.    I look at it this way, I would not have a problem if my SO played tennis or handball or some other sport with another female even if I played the sport myself.   Perhaps she might be more of a challenge than me.   I would not have a problem if he went out to dinner and a movie with another female.   I understand that he needs friendships and companionships outside of me.   I feel the same way about sex and scenes.   Perhaps this other female is into something that I am not comfortable doing, perhaps she simply does things differently than I do and he enjoys it.   Perhaps he just enjoys her as a person.   At the end of the day, as long as I know that I am still loved and secure in my relationship, it really does not matter.
     I can relate to the idea of him replacing me simply because he enjoys her more.   But I believe in the concept of everything happens for a reason.   If the relationship is bound to terminate at some point, fate will make it so one way or the other, it is out of my control.    Although, it might cause me pain, I know I have dealt with worse pain in my life and I will get through it.    I simply can not allow myself to be so fearful that I will be replaced that it consummes me.   I dislike allowing negative feelings to enter my world, the outside world causes enough negative feelings and I need not put them on myself.
    Okay so the question is am I alone in feeling this way?   Am I totally disfunctional in my positive outlook?   Did I make any sense any sense at all in my ramblings?    I am more than likely not going to change my way of thinking---I am comfortable with my feelings---but I am really curious as to what others think.   Let the flames begin.

Post #: 1

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:22:31 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I don't generally have those kinds of feelings either. I suppose there might be situations that I would, such as if there has been strain the relationship or I sense that he's spending more time with the other than with me etc... But I just generally don't get jealous.

But people are wired differently. Some folks just can't share the significant other in their life. They are not made that way.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 2

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:22:57 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

   Throughout my years on the net, this topic is popped up more than once.   The Dominant wants to use another.   This can be for scenes or intercourse---(not to be confused with poly that is a whole different topic)   When this topic is brought up most of the time there is a great amount of negativity surrounding it.    I've heard things such as, 'it's cheating,'   "I would not allow it or be with a Dom who desired that sort of thing."  I've heard people say they would feel jealous, insecure, that they would feel like they were being replaced, that they were not good enough therefore he needed to be with someone else.   All of those feelings are valid and I can understand and relate to those feelings and ideas.    I simply do not possess those feelings.
     Sometimes, I wonder if I am alone in this way of thinking.    I look at it this way, I would not have a problem if my SO played tennis or handball or some other sport with another female even if I played the sport myself.   Perhaps she might be more of a challenge than me.   I would not have a problem if he went out to dinner and a movie with another female.   I understand that he needs friendships and companionships outside of me.   I feel the same way about sex and scenes.   Perhaps this other female is into something that I am not comfortable doing, perhaps she simply does things differently than I do and he enjoys it.   Perhaps he just enjoys her as a person.   At the end of the day, as long as I know that I am still loved and secure in my relationship, it really does not matter.
    I can relate to the idea of him replacing me simply because he enjoys her more.   But I believe in the concept of everything happens for a reason.   If the relationship is bound to terminate at some point, fate will make it so one way or the other, it is out of my control.    Although, it might cause me pain, I know I have dealt with worse pain in my life and I will get through it.    I simply can not allow myself to be so fearful that I will be replaced that it consummes me.   I dislike allowing negative feelings to enter my world, the outside world causes enough negative feelings and I need not put them on myself.
   Okay so the question is am I alone in feeling this way?   Am I totally disfunctional in my positive outlook?   Did I make any sense any sense at all in my ramblings?    I am more than likely not going to change my way of thinking---I am comfortable with my feelings---but I am really curious as to what others think.   Let the flames begin.

I'm not going to flame you-not at all. I've been in past relationships where we did play with others. Evertyone was checked out for stds, used protection, etc..............The bottoms absolutely adored having more than one top at a time playing with them. Like the time One Dom and I tag teamed a blonde girl with flogging. And take down scenes were really fun-when you had two guys going after one girl. It wasn't long before they were helpless! Especially with TWO shibari tops at work.............

I figure if I am not giving someone what they need-putting fences round them-is not going to stop them leaving. I despise being treated like a thing-that someone can rein in at will-or there will be drama. If a girl comes home with me at night-and she wants to stick around-it'll be because we have a lot to offer each other. Not because we stuck "sold" signs on each other.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 3

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:25:33 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 4

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:27:31 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

I used to be like that-I made excuses for feeling insecure-not that I am saying you are.

These days? I just don't lose sleep over it.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 5

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:28:07 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

Turns to get the fuck away from Laxtexbaby but then remembers I did that a million threads ago.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 6

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:28:10 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I personally am not totally closed to the idea but as a society we are conditioned that this is a bad thing, thats probably why most people feel this way. I have spoke to people about it myself. As i am new i would rather be in a one on one relationship for at least a long while. I think to be able to cope with this then you would have to be secure in a relationship. Trust each other etc etc. Cheating is differant because it is going behind the other persons back if both people are aware of it and consenting to it then its not cheating is it

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 7

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:33:08 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

I personally am not totally closed to the idea but as a society we are conditioned that this is a bad thing, thats probably why most people feel this way. I have spoke to people about it myself. As i am new i would rather be in a one on one relationship for at least a long while. I think to be able to cope with this then you would have to be secure in a relationship. Trust each other etc etc. Cheating is differant because it is going behind the other persons back if both people are aware of it and consenting to it then its not cheating is it

Society teaches that the ability to share makes relationships insecure. Probably comes fron needing parents for ums. That dynamic is now changing-time will tell.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 8

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:40:33 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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we are more then animals. shrugs i guess some people just never will get the point. the ones that are like that. You know no respect swinger mentality cause that is really what it is. I hope the really good subs never find them.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 9

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:42:23 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

i'm having a hard time relating the playing of handball or tennis with sex... i mean i've played ping-pong with my brothers, my mother and my dad... i've played softball with my cousins. i've played pool with total strangers. i don't think sexual activity is the same thing. Now, i could get carpel-tunnel or tennis elbow but i haven't heard of STDs from raquetball. Somehow, sex just seems different.

But certainly i understand not getting too upset about one's partner seeking other playmates. Each person's relationship is different. my relationship happens to be monogomous and we like it that way but would never insist on it for others.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 10

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:48:21 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

i'm having a hard time relating the playing of handball or tennis with sex... i mean i've played ping-pong with my brothers, my mother and my dad... i've played softball with my cousins. i've played pool with total strangers. i don't think sexual activity is the same thing. Now, i could get carpel-tunnel or tennis elbow but i haven't heard of STDs from raquetball. Somehow, sex just seems different.

I see your point but what I am getting at is the whole concept of 'spending time' with another person. Chatting to another female online is not always a sexual thing but people get their panties in a bunch over it. Society has basically suggested that if a man/woman who is in a relationship speaks to another online---it's cyber cheating.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 11

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:48:51 AM

writergirl

Posts: 29
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline

For me, if I'm secure in the relationship and I know the person I'm with wants to fool around with someone else in whatever capacity, I'm generally okay with that. I'm not a jealous person by nature and if we spend time talking about things so that I'm reassured, I'm fine with it.

What I have found that I have trouble with is the issue of a second girl occupying my role, as slave. I find that I can just go nuts with the idea that He would have another girl who shares my role with the same depth of feeling. I'm still struggling with this and haven't figured out how to deal with it as yet, because it's such a new feeling for me. I don't like it at all.

wg

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 12

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:51:56 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

If your comfortable with, then that is between you and him and no one else, that is your level of submission.

I know of a relationship such as that, a sub wife and dom, but the problem came when a couple of the other subs the dom was playing with became possessive and jealous and starting phoning and harassing his wife and children finding out where he lived though his licence plates, he was very straight forward with in letting the other subs know he was married and happy in his relationship and had no intention of leaving his wife and kids, so though you may be secure in your relationship it does not mean the subs he plays with will be, and if they become emotionally attached to him it could affect your relationship but in ways you were not expecting, such as telephone harassment, stalking, or damage to property of yours for example your vehicle being damaged. Because he is a business man and his wife has a very public oriented job, going to the police and laying charges against the subs was not an option unless they wanted their private lives revealed and made public knowledge. The one has been harassing the couple for over 3 years since he ended things with her.

Personally it is not something that I would choose for myself

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 13

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:52:04 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

I am in a relationship where it was clear from the start that my Master would be allowed to play and have sex with others. I, however, am totally monogamous. The rules of him seeing others was set at the start, one off meetings, no relationship etc. To start with it was hard because it was something I had been brought up to think was wrong. What he has always said and made me understand and feel is that I would always feel totally secure in our relationship. And I do. I understand that he gets something from these other people he can't from me (not prepared to go into detail) but I feel secure and loved by him so I know I have nothing to worry about.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 14

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:52:35 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

we are more then animals. shrugs i guess some people just never will get the point. the ones that are like that. You know no respect swinger mentality cause that is really what it is. I hope the really good subs never find them.

So are saying that swingers are no more than animals? I respect the idea of a one on one relationship---I get that point entirely. The point is, that the swinger mentality as you call it---can work without the drama. Drama crops up because we allow it to. A person can have tons of drama in a one on one relationship.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 15

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:56:28 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

we are more then animals. shrugs i guess some people just never will get the point. the ones that are like that. You know no respect swinger mentality cause that is really what it is. I hope the really good subs never find them.

So are saying that swingers are no more than animals? I respect the idea of a one on one relationship---I get that point entirely. The point is, that the swinger mentality as you call it---can work without the drama. Drama crops up because we allow it to. A person can have tons of drama in a one on one relationship.

the worst drama I have dealt with in relationships-came from female insecurity and fear. I avoid women like that these days. Happiness is.

< Message edited by RRafe -- 10/28/2007 7:57:06 AM >

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 16

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:58:13 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

anyone that does is just disprectful of the relationship. Plain and simple. People come up with every excuse in the world to make a wrong a right. So i say let them go down the river of dumbass lake. When it all falls apart. They will blame everyone else. So be it. I do not respect such people. I do not care for such people. I will never loose sleep over it.

(in reply to writergirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 7:59:06 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Squeakers

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

i'm having a hard time relating the playing of handball or tennis with sex... i mean i've played ping-pong with my brothers, my mother and my dad... i've played softball with my cousins. i've played pool with total strangers. i don't think sexual activity is the same thing. Now, i could get carpel-tunnel or tennis elbow but i haven't heard of STDs from raquetball. Somehow, sex just seems different.

I see your point but what I am getting at is the whole concept of 'spending time' with another person. Chatting to another female online is not always a sexual thing but people get their panties in a bunch over it. Society has basically suggested that if a man/woman who is in a relationship speaks to another online---it's cyber cheating.

InkedMaster will spend time with whomever He wishes. The cool thing is that we share common relationship goals and we trust each other. i have had Dominants in the past where it was agreed that we were not going to be exclusive. i think non-exclusive is just fine. As long as everyone is in agreement i really don't see how it can be a problem.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 18

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 8:03:26 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

anyone that does is just disprectful of the relationship. Plain and simple. People come up with every excuse in the world to make a wrong a right. So i say let them go down the river of dumbass lake. When it all falls apart. They will blame everyone else. So be it. I do not respect such people. I do not care for such people. I will never loose sleep over it.

We get that you have issues over open relationships and cheating etc. My guess is that you have been cheated on at some point and now have a big chip on your shoulder about it.

Not everyone sees things as you do. There is certainly no disrespect in my relationship and I do not need to make any excuses for anything as I do not see what we are doing as wrong.

Personally I don't much care whether I have your respect or not. I don't respect close minded people either.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 19

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 8:05:38 AM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001

If your comfortable with, then that is between you and him and no one else, that is your level of submission.

I know of a relationship such as that, a sub wife and dom, but the problem came when a couple of the other subs the dom was playing with became possessive and jealous and starting phoning and harassing his wife and children finding out where he lived though his licence plates, he was very straight forward with in letting the other subs know he was married and happy in his relationship and had no intention of leaving his wife and kids, so though you may be secure in your relationship it does not mean the subs he plays with will be, and if they become emotionally attached to him it could affect your relationship but in ways you were not expecting, such as telephone harassment, stalking, or damage to property of yours for example your vehicle being damaged. Because he is a business man and his wife has a very public oriented job, going to the police and laying charges against the subs was not an option unless they wanted their private lives revealed and made public knowledge. The one has been harassing the couple for over 3 years since he ended things with her.

Personally it is not something that I would choose for myself

I have actually thought about the senerio you suggested. It very well could happen that the other submissive might develop deep feeling for him and have jealousy issues regarding me. Honestly, that would not be my problem. It would be their problem. I would have to be confident that he would deal with those issues. If she was calling and harrassing me---there is caller ID, and I would not answer the phone. If she were stalking me or damaging my property, I personally would not have a problem calling the police and saying, this crazy bitch is in love with my SO and is stalking me or damaging my property. Would the police need any more details than that? A more serious crime, I could understand the need.
I do not have the dilemma of being in the public eye, nor am I ever considering marriage, and my um days are over. I can see where that could cause a problem, but it would not for me. I really believe that with effective communication, my SO other would not involve himself with a person who lowered herself to these practices and if she began to exhibt signs of this sort of dysfunction, I would have to feel confident that he would end the relationship immediately.

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 20

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