TreasureKY
Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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Not wanting to completely derail another thread, some excellent comments made by Lashra got me to thinking about how flirting is viewed. I feel she made some pretty profound observations and thought I would like to explore the issue a little more broadly… seek some additional viewpoints and insight.
To a submissive whose dominant continues to receive suggestive contact from former subs, Lashra said:
quote:
… He may enjoy the attention that these ladies are pouring his way, if he didn't he could surely stop it. I can't imagine why an "ex" sub would send pictures and emails saying the things that you claim these women are saying unless they felt they really had a chance of them coming true.
Okay. Her comments weren’t directly addressing “flirting”, but in the context of other posts made with regard to flirting, I really felt they provided some interesting insight. Humor me, please. 
Sooo… what exactly is flirting?
The dictionary defines it as playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest or to make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
The emphasis I see here is on the word “playful”… as in, not serious. Many people would stop there, but I want to look beyond just the superficial and consider the motivation behind flirting.
Of course, every individual is going to have his or her own unique reasons for flirting, but I suspect that most are going to fall into two broad categories… what I think of as “attention” and “overture”.
I believe I’m fairly safe in saying that most people want to feel good about themselves. If we’re healthy and happy, we generally don’t need other people to make us feel good, but having the validation of another occasionally doesn’t hurt and usually makes us feel all the better. This is where flirting can be for attention… it’s an opening to someone to flirt back and validate our “desirableness”, for lack of a better word.
But often flirting is used to explore the possibility of seriousness without making oneself vulnerable and risking outright rejection. It’s a way to “innocently” display interest in someone… an overture. And from their response, you can often gauge how much interest they may have in you. If they don’t flirt back at all (or if you get called on it by your significant other  ), comfort can be found in the thought that you weren’t really serious.
In essence, though, flirting is an opening… an invitation. While it can be either overt or discreet, the key is usually in the sub-context… or at least how the sub-context is perceived and acted upon.
Take the initiating comment, “it’s a shame you are married”; essentially what is being said is, “you are seen to be interesting/desirable.” For the flirter seeking only attention, this could simply be an ego stroke offered with the open invitation for reciprocation. The recipient may take it as such, but it could also be taken as an overture. The question of “are you open to a relationship outside of your marriage?” may not be overt, but it hangs there nonetheless and the recipient can either acknowledge it or not.
How the flirting gauntlet is responded to makes all the difference.
The recipient could flirt back with something like, “Why is that a shame? I may be married, but that doesn’t mean I’m not available. *wink, wink* ”
That puts the ball back in the original flirter’s court and can change the intent from “attention” to “overture”. How they respond can accept the shift, change it back, or shut down the conversation entirely.
This is where Lashra’s comment that “he could surely stop it” got me thinking. Can you really stop someone from flirting with you? I personally believe the control really lies with how you respond to a flirt. If someone enjoys the attention and is comfortable that the intent behind the flirting hasn’t gone beyond the “attention” mode and into “overture”, I doubt they will make any efforts to stop it.
The question then becomes not whether it is being discouraged, but is it being actively encouraged and how are your intentions perceived? And this is where things get sticky…
In life, we create opportunities for relationships to develop and flirting is just one way. On CM we post profiles, we send introductory messages, we place people on our favorites list, we flirt in the forums. While we each have our own reasons for doing so and our own ideas of the kinds of relationships we are opening ourselves to, our true intentions may not be clear to others. Whether we like it or not, for the most part in this particular social setting those things above are generally accepted as part of “the mating dance”... though not exclusively.
Every time we view a profile, say “hello”, become someone’s admirer, or tell someone we wished they lived closer, we are opening ourself a relationship (I’m using that term very loosely). How you intend that relationship to be and how it is perceived by others are two different things unless and until a clear communication is made. Unfortunately, flirting is rarely clear communication and I think that is where Lashra’s comment that “…they felt they really had a chance” is very relevant.
By the way, what is really a chance? Isn’t any chance no matter the likelihood, still a chance? Or is there a specific point where the percentage of probability tips the scales from “a chance” to “really a chance”? 
The point is that people will perceive what they perceive, and usually it's because how or where or what we are communicating can be taken that way. So often we use the mantra, “actions speak louder than words”, but with choosing to flirt, or how we react to others flirting with us, do we even try to make our actions match our words? We place great importance on our intentions, but do we try to clearly communication what those intentions are through our actions and words?
lol… Then we turn around and say, “I didn’t really mean it” or “I wasn’t serious”.
It's no wonder people get confused. 
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Just Flirting... - 
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If i am in a relationship i still flirt, and have no issues with my SO flirting, i see no reason for jealousy as long as there is trust between us.
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