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Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:28:12 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		Ok. Let me start by saying that I am not in the bdsm lifestyle. I am seeking closure in my life and I am hopeing that I can get it here. Illl apologize now if I speak badly. I mean to disrespect to any of you. If I speak poorly please understand that it is out of ignorance, not malice or spite.

Many years ago I met someone who tried to involve me in the bdsm lifestyle. It wasn't for me. I got some insights into my charactor and I realized that I am capable of  greater cruelty than I ever hoped to be, but in the end I could not reconcile love with dominance, affection with cruelty. She walked away to be with others who would dominate her.

It has been a thorn in my heart for a very, very long time. Hell, my heart still breaks for our lost love. I usually don't think about it because when I do I still get choked up.

Can someone please help me understand why she would rather be dominated than treated as an equal? Why she would choose humiliation instead of adoration? Why pain, when I offered her affection?

Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love? Why bdsm?
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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:31:23 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		"Traditional" love and BDSM are not necessarily polar opposites. They might have been for HER, but not for everyone. The questions you ask about dominance, however, are like asking someone why are they heterosexual? Why bisexual? It's the way she is hard-wired.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:38:07 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Because you can be both dominated and adored; both submissive and equal, loved and humiliated...
Because she needed something...
There is a release this thing that we do gives us. (those who are drawn to it)
Those who are drawn to it need to live it, they need to release, the power exchange, the excitement, and the closeness...
It's a bit like explaining jumping out of airplanes to those (like me) who would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:40:23 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		You can be in a D/sM/s relationship and still feel love for each other.
You can practice BDSM and still feel love for each other.
YOu can be sadistic and get your pleasure from causing pain to another; and still love that person desperatly.
You can be masochistic and still feel love for the person causing you the pain.

My question to you would be how come you feel this urge to believe that the two can not be compatible with one another?

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:43:30 AM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Why are some people gay?
Why are some straight?
Why do some prefer blondes (or brunettes, redheads, whatever)

The list of whys can go on and on.  In the end there is no "true" answer.  Everyone is wired differently, it is not right or wrong, it simply is.

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:54:47 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Vive la differance and all that.
I am wondering what "traditional love" is though, isnt love differant to each person who feels it?


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:57:24 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Can someone please help me understand why she would rather be dominated than treated as an equal?

Because she isn't wired that way. I've done the equal partners thing and, frankly, they didn't suit me. It was like wearing a wool sweater two sizes too small in the middle of the summer. I prefer Valyraen in charge. There isn't anything particularly strange in this. Why not reverse the question: Why can't you accept the person you loved for who they are?

quote:


Why she would choose humiliation instead of adoration?

I hate constant adoration. I've put on the fucking pillar so many god damn times. Maybe she got sick of that too. Maybe what you consider to be humiliation is what gets her panties wet.
quote:


Why pain, when I offered her affection?

Why can't you get past people having different tastes?

How many women, "vanilla" women, do you know who enjoy having their neck nibbled or sucked on? What exactly do you think a hickie is? It's a huge bruise inflicted in a time of passion and lust. Getting a bruise hurts. Except when it feels really fucking awesome.

Her desire for pain is simply on a greater scale.
quote:


Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love?

Why she couldn't I don't know. But we have a very traditional idea of love. I love him, he loves me. We do what we can to make each other happy, he brings me cards and roses because he knows they make me happy, even though he doesn't care about them much. He holds doors open for me because I'm Southern and that means something to me. He carries heavy things for me, both because I have a rotten back and because he likes being the big strong man. He even goes shoe shopping with me. He also flogs me to the most wonderful heights of
ecstasy, growls "whore" into my ear (not too different from when Comso suggests trying dirty talk - actually it's the same damn thing), bites for blood with his fangs and I reach the most delicious place of joy that no man who wouldn't do those things could ever, in his wildest dreams, hope to take me.  
I remember his favorite treats and sneak them into his lunchbox. I give him footrubs and now that we are planning a wedding, I'm trying my best to make this "our day", not the stereotypical "bride's day". I send him text and picture messages throughout his work day, just so that he knows I'm thinking of him and I love him. Nothing naughty, just little snapshots of whatever I was doing at the moment. I buy the groceries and always try to find something new that he would like. I make sure he has his favorite cereal and other food, not just because he told me to but because I genuinely love him. I also get on my knees and give blowjobs when ordered, stand still for occasional slaps on the face and somehow manage to stop on a dime mid-run when he yells "STOP".
quote:


Why bdsm?

Why vanilla?

Because it suits you right? It feels good, it makes sense to you. You can't imagine anything else.

Well I can't imagine anything else, and I've tried it. A lot. I know in my head that many other people don't take a great enjoyment from batting a canvas mouse around and I know in my head that many other people don't enjoy being in this sort of relationship. But you know? I don't "get it". This feels so right to me and the others felt so damn wrong that I don't "get" wanting to be in any other sort of relationship. Which is ok, because I understand that as much I don't "get it", you don't understand me.

As long as we both understand that each other can't fathom wanting to be anything else, we can get along quite well. Just never be in a relationship.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 9:57:41 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		The answer is going to differ depending on who you ask and why they're involved in BDSM.

Your question runs deeper than any of us can possibly answer, because it's really not asking "us" why, you're stretching for an answer from this lost love as to why, and a question you're asking yourself.  We are not the two of you. Seriously, a kink-aware professional who deals in therapy would be your best bet to help you work through this.  By your own admission, it's been "years" since this one encounter and if time has not healed the wounds, it seems obvious to me that this issue is not going to go away simply on its own.

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 3/3/2008 10:01:57 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 10:01:34 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Darcy and I have 'traditional' love.  Maybe the 'she' you relate about simply does not desire love.  That has absolutely nothing as to whether people participate in BDSM practises or not.
 
Darcy and I are unequal equals, just as every partnership is - whatever they practise or enjoy.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 10:04:59 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		Hi there BDSM is not for everyone I found out, however there is something similar to BDSM without all the glitz it is called taken in hand. You can find out about it at www.takeninhand.com . It's the relationship me and my Daddy/Master have because he isn't really into all the chains and hardcore stuff, but we do engage in very light bdsm once in awhile. It really just depends on the people involved. I really suggest this website it might be what you are looking for. Hope all works out for you, good luck. 

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Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 10:07:56 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		FR

There are countless stories of love gone wrong, and I would suspect in the majority of the cases there is one who did the leaving and the one who wonders why.  People leave because it just isn't right, it's just not making them happy.

You have this glaring BDSM thing that is flashing it's neon light at you and you are thinking "if only she wasn't into that, we'd be blissfully together right now".  In reality it doesn't matter what the if factor is, it is that there was one.  Point blank, the relationship didn't make her happy.

Now you can selfishly bemoan why she had to be happy, why she couldn't settle for you and make your life wonderful, or you can remember the qualities in her that you loved and hold them in your heart as you move on and you can selflessly wish her happiness regardless of where she finds it.

Now, why I like BDSM (because I cannot answer for her) is as complex as the layers on an onion.  Some of the layers I've not even peeled back.  I don't care why I prefer what I prefer nearly as much as I want to know what I prefer.  To know ones preferences is a step forward in finding a compatible partner for mutual joy.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 10:39:17 AM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		Why BDSM for me?...I cant answer for her.

For me BDSM was like coming home after being away somewhere, somewhere where you didnt fit in and felt like you didnt belong. Does that make any sense? I tried vanilla relationships and they never felt right to me. I couldnt figure out why then, but then when I discovered BDSM it was like....finally. I felt at home, I felt like I fit in finally. And once I discovered it I knew I could never go back. Its almost a craving, I crave the power exchange, the discipline, the play, all of it. I wouldnt be me in any other kind of relationship.

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owned by painarranger

I am His loyal slave

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 11:05:16 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your responses so far. I cannot relate because I cannot reconcile in my head two things that seem to be polar opposites for me.

Most of you show uncommon wisdom even if I cannot completely in my heart accept what you believe.

The question was asked why I could not just accept the person I loved for who they are. The fact is, that I loved her very much for who she was. I have never met anyone else like her and I doubt that I ever will. She was the best thing to ever happen to me..and the worst.

I can relate to what some of you are saying on a slightly different level...I grew up in a religion that I never felt a part of..it wasn't for me and as much as I tried to fit in..I just couldn't. It chaffed. It felt like an ill-fitting suit of clothes. I never felt like I belonged.

I still can't reconcile what you are saying though. In my world, pain is reserved for those that have done wrong..not for those that I love.

AquaticSub, you sound a lot like her when you talk about how you hate constant adoration. I put her on a pedestal and that was somewhere she didn't want to be. It was part of why she left.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 11:21:56 AM   
tinkerbelle3


Posts: 55
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim


Can someone please help me understand why she would rather be dominated than treated as an equal? Why she would choose humiliation instead of adoration? Why pain, when I offered her affection?

Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love? Why bdsm?



I don't want to simplify or say that this is an easy subject to understand; But perhaps being dominated and feeling humiliation and pain IS love to her. I think that love looks different to different people and it appears from what you say that this type of love is what brings her comfort. I know for me, when he controls me and provides structure, teaches me to obey him and allows me to please him.... well, I just couldn't imagine being loved any other way. It's not fulfilling for me and I would always be 'wanting' Maybe she's like that too.

Good luck to you - Tinkerbelle

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 11:33:49 AM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Only "she" can really answer this question. Love may have had nothing to do with it as Love doesn't have to be part of BDSM at all. Maybe she was masochist and wasn't getting that from you. It happens. That doesn't mean it isn't hard to deal with but if you are not that person whom she seeks then there isn't much you can do about it. Just My thoughts.
LordVelvet

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It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 11:48:06 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Seraphym; Most of us who enjoy pain, I enjoy certain kinds of pain. Think of it more as 'sensation' than pain.
Like...if I stubbed my toe, I would not enjoy that.
I've had a toothache for a couple of weeks. That was not fun.
If HoneyMaster takes out the flogger and just starts going to town...that just frikken hurts...or if He forces anal on me without any warmup...that is actual pain and not really enjoyable (except for the humiliation aspect, but, that's another discussion.)
But if He slowly begins by just brushing the flogger against me...teasing me...and slowly and lightly begins flogging me...I get *hot* (sorry I don't like being overly graphic), and as I become more aroused, the 'sensation' of the flogger can become more intense without any 'real' pain. Then He can experiment with many different implements, each bringing a different and interesting sensation.
It's what *we* call playtime. After a session experimenting with sensation, and sometimes emotional play, it usually (for us) goes from that to some hot kinky...you know...
It's more intense (for me) than vanilla play.
I crave it.
I always have.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 11:55:40 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim


AquaticSub, you sound a lot like her when you talk about how you hate constant adoration. I put her on a pedestal and that was somewhere she didn't want to be. It was part of why she left.



Again, ask yourself some questions. Why did you put her on that pedestal when she didn't want to be there? It's miserable and lonely up there when you aren't suited for it. It's rather a fucked up fem dom/male sub thing really, being up there. I always ended up in charge in those relationships, making most of the decisions because I was on the pedestal after all. There wasn't a lot of consideration given to how I actually wanted things to go, what actually made me happy - just a lot of consideration given to what they thought I wanted.

The fact that your relationship failed really doesn't have much to do with BDSM specifically. She needs one type of relationship, you need another. It'd be like trying to get a pair a straight person and a homosexual one.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 3/3/2008 12:02:53 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 12:08:34 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Seraphyim, the best way to answer your questions is to turn the tables. What if the norm was gay and bdsm. There was this guy you knew and genuinely liked. You had been close friends. Then you found out he was madly in love with you and wanted to tie you up and do physically painful things to you. Things that did not satisfy you either physically or emotionally. You knew he did care about you, deeply, no doubt in your mind. You knew he was a good person.

Yet, could you change who you are to be in a relationship with him? Of course not.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 12:24:04 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Ok. Let me start by saying that I am not in the bdsm lifestyle. I am seeking closure in my life and I am hopeing that I can get it here. Illl apologize now if I speak badly. I mean to disrespect to any of you. If I speak poorly please understand that it is out of ignorance, not malice or spite.

Many years ago I met someone who tried to involve me in the bdsm lifestyle. It wasn't for me. I got some insights into my charactor and I realized that I am capable of  greater cruelty than I ever hoped to be, but in the end I could not reconcile love with dominance, affection with cruelty. She walked away to be with others who would dominate her.

It has been a thorn in my heart for a very, very long time. Hell, my heart still breaks for our lost love. I usually don't think about it because when I do I still get choked up.

Can someone please help me understand why she would rather be dominated than treated as an equal? Why she would choose humiliation instead of adoration? Why pain, when I offered her affection?


You know, I hate to burst your bubble here but if you speak to many submissives with an open mind rather than your own...admittedly jaundiced...viewpoint, you would find that many consider themselves to be equal to their dominant.  They also get the nuance behind the phrase "there is equality to be found in the inequality and inequality to be found in the equality".  As for humiliation, I would be willing to bet that you are equating humiliation to being the same as degradation.  To you, the idea of calling her "slut" or "whore" or "My little cockloving cocksucker" all comes across as degrading and a put down.  But for many submissives, those are the words that trigger a bunch of good buttons and very few of them have to do with a background of abuse.  And while we are on the subject of humiliation, let's move on to your next difficulty:  why choose humiliation over adoration?  Did you ever stop to think that for many who choose humiliation specifically...and D/s BDSM in general (as I have a feeling you are equating the whole shebang as one humiliating thing rather than a "real" relationship)...that they choose it because, when they are involved in humiliation play or when they are involved in the whole of their D/s dynamic, they DO feel cherished?  That they do feel adored?  That they feel loved and wanted and needed and satisfied because they are with a partner whohas taken the time to learn just which "Y" aspects of his submissive needs such and such "Z"  factors in order for her to feel cherished and adored and loved rather than take little time to pay her compliments which may very well be  meant sincerely but which...let's be honest...could be used with almost any vanilla woman and are not specifically geared towards her?
Why pain?  Because, honest to God, some people are wired to love pain...to transmute pain into pleasure...to take pain because another desires for them to do so and it pleases them to serve in that way.

quote:

Why can some not relate to the "traditional" idea of love? Why bdsm?



Because we are all unique individuals, suffused with the experiences and teachings of and responses to our own lives as seen through our eyes and felt through our hearts and processed through our souls and minds?  And sometimes, that does not equate to traditional love...and yet, ironically, the idea of a dominant partner and a submissive partner making for the best relationship is one deeply steeped in tradition.  Please do not make the mistake of assuming, as many do, that dominating someone does not mean you cannot love them or that the vice-versa is true...submitting to someone does not mean that you cannot love them.  It might or it might not...just as in the vanilla world, where many people fuck and create babies and live together...and never really, truly love the one they have created a new life with;  but sometimes, they do.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 3/3/2008 12:30:55 PM >

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/3/2008 12:29:04 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Not everyone is for every one

For what it's worth, you are not the first man with issuse about inflicting pain on the woman he loves. It is possible to get past that. I know..:)

If you gave it your best shot, thats all you can do. Like any other failed relationship, at some point, you just have to move on

Jeff

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