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Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:21:14 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

So basically, I guess have the same problem as most would when new to the D/s lifestyle and being the DOM, no experience! Reading about how is one thing, doing is another. So if not many Subs want to be with an inexperienced DOM, have no patience for it or worried about getting mentally or physically hurt, how does one learn how to truly be a DOM. Is it rather in ones nature to be that way, just need the right SUB to bring it out in you, let it flow?
Do others look down upon newbies here, or does anyone lend a helping hand, so to speak. Just interested to know what others have done to break the ice I guess, first times, etc....

I more big obstacle is I'm married as well. How do other DOM's who are married juggle the lifestyle with being married. Do SUBs not want to be with a married man since it cannot be a 24/ 7 relationship or am I better served finding a married SUB, so we both know our limits and expectations. If anyone has some advice, feel free to chime in, I also wouldn't mind chatting with and experienced married DOM for some advice. Sure it would be a hell of a lot easier if I was single or got divorced, but that's not an option for me at the moment, so I'm just trying to make the best of my situation, while fulfilling by urges and tendencies.

Post #: 1

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:38:22 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

I've got some advice play with your wife or get divorced.

BadOne

_____________________________

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According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 2

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:41:00 AM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

is there something wrong with her???
how do you know she wolnt enjoy it too?
how come guys never figure this part out before they get married in the first place???

_____________________________

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~DJ domahpet~
*Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to*

*crystal*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLI12uN6k5k

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 3

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:42:43 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

What do you want a helping hand on? How to wield a flogger? Search out a hands-on class, go to a demo, find someone to show you.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 4

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:53:00 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domahpet

is there something wrong with her???
how do you know she wolnt enjoy it too?
how come guys never figure this part out before they get married in the first place???

Yes, she repressed, I'm way over her head when it comes to sexuality and experience, I've recently brought it up, looked at me like had two heads, way to controlling, if any one needs it, its her, but it will never happen for us.
To answer the second part, because we're stupid! I really wish I had discovered this about myself before I got married, too late now.

(in reply to domahpet)

Post #: 5

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:54:24 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

I've got some advice play with your wife or get divorced.

BadOne

Thanks, divorce is not an option, wish it was.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 6

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 11:56:13 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

What do you want a helping hand on? How to wield a flogger? Search out a hands-on class, go to a demo, find someone to show you.

Cali

Anything that I can get, even sarcasm from a goddess!

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 7

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 12:02:33 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Actually, I was being serious. Hard to believe, I know. But dude, you're in Florida. You can hardly swing a cat without hitting some sort of munch/demo/class/gathering/party/whatever.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 8

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 12:23:04 PM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

You're right, there's a club about 5 miles from my house, but remember, I'm married, have to be pretty discreet about it. I really wish my wife was into it, sucks to be me.

I actually just ended a relationship with a 43 married woman who's a Sub for another guy, an experienced Dom, they were on a break. What pisses me off is she never told me about him or entered into our relationship with the intentions for being a Sub. Said she thought I wouldn't understand, she should've known better when she discovered how incredibly perverse I really am.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 9

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 12:32:38 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30
how incredibly perverse I really am.

Hon, if you're trying to get a date with me, I prefer the direct approach. I'm just sayin'.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 10

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 12:47:20 PM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30
how incredibly perverse I really am.

Hon, if you're trying to get a date with me, I prefer the direct approach. I'm just sayin'.

Cali

i would love to if i was into cyber relationships, i've had enough of the vanilla ones already. I'm more of a hands on kinda guy.

< Message edited by jm29jm30 -- 5/12/2008 12:48:26 PM >

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 11

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 12:52:46 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

Why do people that are sexually incompatible marry? Ya Ya sure, sex is not the most important thing. But really, good relations in the bedroom enhance a relationship, bad sexual relations can destroy a relationship. This was told to me by my mom when I was a teen and I totally agree. Then again most of the ppl in my family are very sexually orientated.

I can tell with in the first month of dating someone if we are going to be sexually compatible. Yes people change and you really have no control over that.

Divorce is ALWAYS an option, it just might not be an option you are willing to consider at this time. But no one can forbid you from obtaining a divorce. IT just depends what you are willing to sacrifice to get one.

How do you figure cheating is better then ending the current relationship to seek a more fulfilling one? She catches your ass cheating there is a good chance you'll be getting divorced anyway and by cheating you're screwed with it comes to a settlement.

Now to answer your questions:

There are lots of subs that are willing to be with an inexperienced Dominant. We all have to learn somewhere.

There are some subs that are willing to be nothing but a side fling, your toy on the side.

An option you might want to look at is attending play parties or munches in your area and meet someone that just wants a play partner. Guess that would depend if you want to just play or if you want a sexual relationship as well.

Now wanting someone willing to be with a New Dom as well as help you cheat on your spouse may make it harder to find what you are looking for but I'm not going to say it's impossible because there is always someone out there willing to do pretty much anything. The human race never ceases to amaze me.

.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 12

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:01:45 PM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

Why do people that are sexually incompatible marry? Ya Ya sure, sex is not the most important thing. But really, good relations in the bedroom enhance a relationship, bad sexual relations can destroy a relationship. This was told to me by my mom when I was a teen and I totally agree. Then again most of the ppl in my family are very sexually orientated.

I can tell with in the first month of dating someone if we are going to be sexually compatible. Yes people change and you really have no control over that.

Divorce is ALWAYS an option, it just might not be an option you are willing to consider at this time. But no one can forbid you from obtaining a divorce. IT just depends what you are willing to sacrifice to get one.

How do you figure cheating is better then ending the current relationship to seek a more fulfilling one? She catches your ass cheating there is a good chance you'll be getting divorced anyway and by cheating you're screwed with it comes to a settlement.

Now to answer your questions:

There are lots of subs that are willing to be with an inexperienced Dominant. We all have to learn somewhere.

There are some subs that are willing to be nothing but a side fling, your toy on the side.

An option you might want to look at is attending play parties or munches in your area and meet someone that just wants a play partner. Guess that would depend if you want to just play or if you want a sexual relationship as well.

Now wanting someone willing to be with a New Dom as well as help you cheat on your spouse may make it harder to find what you are looking for but I'm not going to say it's impossible because there is always someone out there willing to do pretty much anything. The human race never ceases to amaze me.

.

Thanks for the advice and you're right about compatibility, it's something i should've taken very seriously when we first met, but then again, i thought i was running out of time, but then again, why the hell did i think i had to get married in the first place, my stupid mistake.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 13

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:02:10 PM

DupedDom

Posts: 65
Joined: 1/3/2008
Status: offline

Finding a sub is tough, finding one, when you are married, is very difficult and destined for disaster. One reason is that the dynamic gets so involved, that deep feelings are likely to develope, not good for an extra mariatal affair. Seconndly as one of the fine ladies on this thread mentioned, you should not have an affair, I did and it was disasterous, even if your wife doesn't kick you out, making a go of it is so tough. I never thought I could hurt someone as badly as I hurt her. Give her a choice at least. Hope I put it a bit more tenderly than some others but wiht the same bite!!

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 14

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:04:41 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

FR

How would your wife feel about it? I'd say that if she's as turned off by another woman serving you as she is doing it herself that you'd better think about living within the confines of the relationship you've got or get that divorce that you say isn't an option.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to DupedDom)

Post #: 15

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:17:28 PM

BrigandDoom

Posts: 155
Joined: 12/29/2007
From: Nottingham
Status: offline

When I started out 17 years ago things the lifestyle was afr more tight knit and as a result the newbies were looked after a lot more. I had three mentors who taught me the right techniques etc, and I would advise anyone starting out. Dom or sub /slave to get a mentor. Its an old system but it works still.

_____________________________

Brigand Doom

There is only one, accept no alternatives!

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 16

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:32:05 PM

Renee7852

Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

                  Perhaps you could attend a few munches/parties not so close to home to seek out a mentor. Talk to the Doms there, see who you seem to get along with and those who have similar ideas as yours, and especially those whose techniques you like. Ask them if they would consider mentoring you. It can't hurt. My previous Dom did that with 2 new Doms and it worked great...only difference was they both already had submissives to *practice* on.

       One benefit about the mentoring idea is that possibly when you develope your skills you will be so good you won't have to look far for demo dollys! And who knows, perhaps your new found confidence might inspire your wife to give it a try!

     Just my .02cents :)
            Renee'

(in reply to BrigandDoom)

Post #: 17

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:33:58 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Wozzup, Amateur Monday? Ahhh, you think it is a game... Suggest to your wife she take a woman lawyer, you'll get plenty of first hand experience learning to dom women that way... Just a teensy little point, though, since I am a nice guy.. Doms don't "juggle". Only illusionists do.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 18

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:47:51 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Your pretty much doomed to failure unless your wife agrees that you can see others outside of marriage.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 19

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 1:57:37 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

To the op'....Its looks like a no win situation which ever way you go,hindsight has a way of preventing future mistakes..One Question ,were you active in the LS while you were dating or did you just happen to 'forget' to mention your LS before the ring slipped on her finger..with out placing blame on either of you I believe there is a lesson there for everyone new to the LS...Know your partner well before making any decision that will come back to bite your ass...

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 20

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