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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:37:53 AM

BoiJen

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Joined: 3/7/2007
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I didn't say that. I said just because you're not married doesn't mean you're single. You still have growing up to do.

Whatb is it with guys jumping into shit, making promises about what they'll do, and then not following through because they haven't figured out what they want?

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 61

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:41:02 AM

CalifChick

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From: California
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She doesn't have to agree to a divorce. You can get one even if she doesn't want one.

Cali

_____________________________

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(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 62

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:41:56 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FlamingRedhead

The real problem here, as I see it, is that you are not, in fact, dominant. There's a difference in being a top and being dominant. You can learn to be a top. All it takes it a little practice with the implements. If you were truly dominant and knew what you really wanted, i.e. your wife to do this with you, you'd find a way to bring her around. You'd devise a plan. You'd start introducing it little by little into the bedroom and also in day to day activities. Hell, if you were dominant, you'd be the head of the household already, and your wife would know who's boss. If you can't control someone you've known all these years, how do you propose to control someone else? Do you imagine that submissives are easier and require little effort? Wrong! There is always resistance. Learning to overcome resistance is part of being a dominant.

By the way, I was married for 10 years with 1 child, and I got a divorce essentially because he was not dominant and didn't want to be what I needed him to be. It costs like hell to get what you want. You'd better make damn sure you know what you want and that it's worth it in the end.

I have started to introduce it, that's the problem. And what if she's also dominant by nature, what then, guess if I want this and she doesn't, I have to get divorced.

(in reply to FlamingRedhead)

Post #: 63

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:42:02 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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So you resent your wife because you married her and then changed or grew into a new thing and she isn't interested. Interesting. Selfishness is not a good sign of a good dominant... it is a sign of a self consumed dominant that has no control over himself and the first thing in my opinion a dominant should have is self control. How can you control another if you can't even control yourself? Dude you are into kink. Not being a dominant. Now... if kink is what you want... keep on going as you are, but stop blaming your wife for not being willing to change. This isn't what she agreed to.

Now... the only reason besides income issues that one cannot feel free to divorce is um's, I would assume. Are you being fair to them if you resent your wife... and dude you do... and are you being a good parent to play the game the way you selfishly need to? What happens to them when you totally diss their mother and your promises and end up in divorce court anyway... because sooner or later your wife is going to get a clue and divorce you... or continue to live with you for the sake of the um's... Man.. great life!

Get real... be a man... suck it up. You wouldn't be the only one around here that did the right thing for a higher purpose than kink or having that cock serviced.

And since when does lying and cheating become part of what we all should be open minded about?

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 64

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:43:04 AM

jm29jm30

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Joined: 4/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

I didn't say that. I said just because you're not married doesn't mean you're single. You still have growing up to do.

Whatb is it with guys jumping into shit, making promises about what they'll do, and then not following through because they haven't figured out what they want?

Things change, relationships change, people change, life changes.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 65

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:44:36 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

So you resent your wife because you married her and then changed or grew into a new thing and she isn't interested. Interesting. Selfishness is not a good sign of a good dominant... it is a sign of a self consumed dominant that has no control over himself and the first thing in my opinion a dominant should have is self control. How can you control another if you can't even control yourself? Dude you are into kink. Not being a dominant. Now... if kink is what you want... keep on going as you are, but stop blaming your wife for not being willing to change. This isn't what she agreed to.

Now... the only reason besides income issues that one cannot feel free to divorce is um's, I would assume. Are you being fair to them if you resent your wife... and dude you do... and are you being a good parent to play the game the way you selfishly need to? What happens to them when you totally diss their mother and your promises and end up in divorce court anyway... because sooner or later your wife is going to get a clue and divorce you... or continue to live with you for the sake of the um's... Man.. great life!

Get real... be a man... suck it up. You wouldn't be the only one around here that did the right thing for a higher purpose than kink or having that cock serviced.

And since when does lying and cheating become part of what we all should be open minded about?

Why is the always the man who's selfish for changing and not the wife for not being willing to change?

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 66

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:45:22 AM

BoiJen

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Joined: 3/7/2007
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And when change happens we have a choice to grow with it. You have yet to demonstrate the ability to grow.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 67

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:46:36 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

And when change happens we have a choice to grow with it. You have yet to demonstrate the ability to grow.

how about her, so she doesn't have to grow, but I do?

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 68

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:47:20 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
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So you suddenly want to her become a submissive to please you? Seriously? How about you order her to become bisexual? You're just not getting it dude. You went into the marriage either repressing your true self or being unaware of it. Now you're changing things. She doesn't have to accept those changes. She can if she wants to. But don't get all defensive. Sheesh.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 69

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:48:34 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

So you resent your wife because you married her and then changed or grew into a new thing and she isn't interested. Interesting. Selfishness is not a good sign of a good dominant... it is a sign of a self consumed dominant that has no control over himself and the first thing in my opinion a dominant should have is self control. How can you control another if you can't even control yourself? Dude you are into kink. Not being a dominant. Now... if kink is what you want... keep on going as you are, but stop blaming your wife for not being willing to change. This isn't what she agreed to.

Now... the only reason besides income issues that one cannot feel free to divorce is um's, I would assume. Are you being fair to them if you resent your wife... and dude you do... and are you being a good parent to play the game the way you selfishly need to? What happens to them when you totally diss their mother and your promises and end up in divorce court anyway... because sooner or later your wife is going to get a clue and divorce you... or continue to live with you for the sake of the um's... Man.. great life!

Get real... be a man... suck it up. You wouldn't be the only one around here that did the right thing for a higher purpose than kink or having that cock serviced.

And since when does lying and cheating become part of what we all should be open minded about?

Why is the always the man who's selfish for changing and not the wife for not being willing to change?

Good point... if it were true. You changed... maybe it would be nice if she could try to work with this... give her time... maybe she will one day... but that also brings up another point... concent and free will. You can't force this on someone and since you changed the rules of the game... you need to be patient and give it some time to work out or be man enough to say it won't work before you defame yourself and show some serious disrepect for your given word in marriage.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 70

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:49:41 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

She's keeping her promise so far as anyone here can tell. There's no grow up about that. You're the one willing to lie and cheat instead of grow a pair and be responsible.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 71

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 12:20:09 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

And when change happens we have a choice to grow with it. You have yet to demonstrate the ability to grow.

how about her, so she doesn't have to grow, but I do?

Is she posting to -- or reading -- this thread? If so, I might be able to provide her some perspective too. Until then, I'm talking to you.

Bottom line: you only control yourself, not anyone else. There's nothing abstract or "philosophical" about being in charge of yourself. I've been asking you questions for a reason -- to try to help you gain control of this situation. So far you have refused to answer.

Why are you kinkier than you were five years ago? What is different now? Why do you believe self-control is an illusion?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 72

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 12:53:28 PM

akisha

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Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

Many reasons, have you ever been married?

Yes, once common law and once legally. Both required a divorce. They are expensive but really not that hard to obtain.

First one (no kids just property) cost me about $3,000, no biggy. Currrent divorce proceedings are sitting at $19,000 in 2.5 years and still not finalized. That cost was 90% custody battle. I've put a hold on the actual divorce cause it's not really that important so why waste the money everything else except the signed piece of paper is done.

Both spouses were vanilla. tho the second claimed not to be and changed on me after a couple years.

Dumped the first on on his ass when I found out he was fucking around while I worked 2.5 jobs to support us (dumb me)

Second one ended cause he allowed his parents to interfere with our lives way too much and liked to spend hours playing a stupid fucking game instead of spending time with his family.

You're "I can't get a divorce" claim is BS. You just don't want to spend the money and time doing it.

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/13/2008 12:59:13 PM >

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(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 73

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 6:25:30 PM

thornhappy

Posts: 8596
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

Why is the always the man who's selfish for changing and not the wife for not being willing to change?

You are not the first to pose such a problem, and being male has nothing to do with it (women have posed similar questions.)

Your selfishness, IMHO, is that you want to be married and cheat on the side. And as many have shown, divorce can be easy or a pain, but is not impossible for the motivated.

I share a lot of the opinions to date: it's time for you to man up and file papers. You changed, she didn't and frankly, that's just life.

thornhappy

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 74

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 7:07:50 PM

Maya2001

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Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

Why is the always the man who's selfish for changing and not the wife for not being willing to change?

It has nothing to do with man or woman, you changed the agreed upon dynamics....
guess what even in D/s there is an negotiated agreement on the dynamics ..if you breach that agreement the sub has the right to kick your sorry ass to the curb, it is how trust, respect and honesty is built by lying and cheating on your wife your showing your not capable of being trustworthy or honest...for that reason subs with any bit on intelligence or concern for their well being will want nothing to do with you because that is proof you are unworthy of the title of Dom it only makes you a player. If you truly want to be a Dom you have start not acting like a spoiled brat by being honest and respectful to your wife and if you need to end the relationship do not treat her like shit because she does not deserve it, you turned the tables on her causing her emotional pain she deserves respect and support thru this to make it a peacable ending..remember you were the one that chose her as she is...even subs cannot be forced to be someone other than themselves, this is why so much discussion and negotiation normally takes place before the relationship begins to determine if both of your interests from growing together and what is expected in the dynamics is agreeable to both parties so that it has a chance to succeed, if you decide to change the dynamics midstream the relationship will become doomed. being extremely honest with yourself and your potential partners about what you want is necessary

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Post #: 75

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 7:57:33 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maya2001
It has nothing to do with man or woman, you changed the agreed upon dynamics....

I don't think the OP is ready to take things seriously, so I want to change things around a bit to get something productive here.

Maya, I don't agree completely with your statement. In the case of most any serious relationship, there's a "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" part of the dynamic. It's not a deal-breaker per se if someone says, "You know, I thought I had this under control but...." or, "I never realized this about myself, but my relationship with you has helped reveal to me that...." I'm not defending the OP here, but couples do have to deal with this kind of thing. Sometimes they even stay together, and come to an agreement.

Unless it's strictly a relationship of convenience, "let's do our best to help each other out" trumps "you promised you would do X five years ago, so no changing now."

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 76

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 9:57:40 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

Look for "new to the lifestyle" married female submissives who are cheating on their vanilla husbands. Problem solved.

Just dont expect truth and honesty from them as they should not expect the same from you.

Attend events and play parties where they have demos and learning classes to perfect/learn about certain aspects of play.

Moving right along..

CD

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 77

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 10:34:52 PM

AtMyRequest

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Joined: 4/28/2008
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quote:

Nobody has control, it's an illusion. The only thing we humans can do on this planet is conquer the fear of realizing that we're not in control or that some may have more control than others, either way, we're all out of control in some respect. If you want to get into philosophical discussion about control, I'm game.

You may not be in control of the earth spinning around the sun, but you sure as hell are in control of your life, including your marriage. You just choose not to be. Sure, there may be unpleasant consequences to a divorce, but there seem to be plenty of those by not getting a divorce. That's life.

I'm new to most of this, so maybe my thoughts aren't along established lines. It seems to me that you want to be a dominant, which in some ways means you want to control another person. Yet, you don't think that anyone can control anything. Your logic seems way off on this.

I just recently went through a divorce involving kids and money. I stayed married for many years, expecting the world to crash in if I left. Guess what? I left, the kids are fine, the ex is fine. I may have a bit less money, but I'm a lot better off than I was. I let circumstances run my life. But at least I knew it was my choice to do so. You don't even seem to have a clue of that.

If you want to be a 'dominant,' start with your own life before trying to dominate someone else.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 78

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/14/2008 5:07:59 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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I have to give the op credit for not slamming his wife as others have done here in the past (one comes to mind who raised the kids while his wife sat on her 'fat lazy ass' and other BS). She may not share your kink but i take it she is a good person and you need to be fair to her.
A divorce may be hard for her to take in the beginning but...,trust me...she WILL move on, hopefully to one who will be faithful to her. All the reasons you have for not getting a divorce are, imho, just fear. Fear of financial loss...of your spouse moving on, of losing face with family/friends...etc.
If you are able, put your wife above you own desires and think of what is best for her

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Post #: 79

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/14/2008 5:29:04 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

What pisses me off is she never told me about him or entered into our relationship with the intentions for being a Sub

Don't you just hate partners who lie?

quote:

Why is the always the man who's selfish for changing and not the wife for not being willing to change?

One makes choices in life and has to own those choices. You got married, you can choose to respect that vow or you can be an adult and deal with the fact you made a mistake. Cheating is the childish way of dealing with that.

You want some lessons?

One of the skills of a talented Dominant is to make their desires become their partners. There are various dynamics to how this works, some want to be forced, others led, some inspired but there it is. Your wife may say she is uninterested but perhaps, since you are both young, she is terrifed to admit she might like to experiment. Another skill of a talented dominant is to create a safe place for their partner to take risks in. Have you made it safe for her to say "no"? Have you made it safe for HER to ask for things?

Perhaps the most important skill for a dominant (and a submissive) is the ability to recognize and admit mistakes, to step forward and own them and deal with them in a way that takes both partners into consideration and doesn't seek to blame the other for "causing" them to "do" the mistake. YOU chose to cheat, it doesn't matter what she did, YOU cheated. Now most of us have done that at one point but most of us have learned better ways of dealing with things than cheating. When you do the same you will be closer to where you want to go.

Best of luck.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 80

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