RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie!

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/14/2008 6:41:37 AM

LadyPact

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Why is it that so many folks seem to stumble on these boards and think that, just because the people here are kinky, they will condone every action, even when those actions harm innocent, non-consenting people? If you haven't figured it out yet, OP, that's why people here have a low opinion of those folks who are cheating on their spouses. It's not only because the lying and sneaking around is less than honorable, but it also has a tendency to harm someone who didn't want to be hurt. Didn't the last experience with cheating teach you this, or did you just not get caught?

You wouldn't be the only one on the planet who has ever had to have 'The Talk' with their spouse about wanting to change their relationship from vanilla to kinky. You had to know going in that one of the possible reactions you were going to get was the looking at you like a four headed freak. Still, you have to accept that. She's not looking to change the relationship, you are. No, she's not required to change with you. She has every right to stay perfectly content being vanilla. I get the part where you say you wish she would be willing to do this with you, but trying to convert her against her will probably won't work either.

So, on to other options. What would be acceptable to both of you? Have you asked her about the possibility of maybe just doing some additional learning together? Would she be ok with attending a munch or a demo? Would she be interested in reading some books with you, or joining a site like this one? Don't ask for the moon. Maybe just a small step to get your feet off of the ground. If she knows about the time you cheated on her prior, don't be surprised if she's not ready to have you search for a play partner right off the bat. Do what it takes to show her that you can be honest and above board about what activities you want to participate in. Set ground rules and follow them. If you do that, you might just come to the realization that there is such a thing as control. Of course, that has more to do with the head above your shoulders, rather than the other one.

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/15/2008 6:54:08 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren

vanish in acrimony and accusations.

Words of wisdom John. And you turned a nice phrase while expressing them.

Uncle Nasty

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/15/2008 7:01:49 AM

UncleNasty

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Joined: 3/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Bullshit....in many large cities the civil partnership status is legally binding. And the time requirement for that is getting smaller and smaller. In some places it's as short as two years of proven documented co-habitation.

Grow up. Choose.

I'm not an authority on this but my understanding is that in Colorado common law marriages are established with 6 months of cohabitation.

Uncle Nasty

(in reply to BoiJen)

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/15/2008 7:16:10 AM

UncleNasty

Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

I didn't say that. I said just because you're not married doesn't mean you're single. You still have growing up to do.

Whatb is it with guys jumping into shit, making promises about what they'll do, and then not following through because they haven't figured out what they want?

This isn't really what I consider to be a reasonable, legitimate or accurate statement BoiJen. The behavior you're lambasting isn't limited to one gender. Perhaps it is the case that your romantic/amorous experience has been only with males so you've not experienced females acting in the same ways. I can understand that. That's frequently the case. But gender specific statements are rarely the truth, or the whole truth.

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/15/2008 7:22:32 AM

DupedDom

Posts: 65
Joined: 1/3/2008
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Hey OP, Yes, all of the folks with thousands of BS replies to threads will tell you what you are, what you are doing wrong but most miss the point. When you are married, you are bound to that one person. Having sex with another person, is infidelity, regardless of how it is cloaked. Don't cheat because you will get caught eventually, most affairs end badly and in the end your wife will be hurt very terribly. You are a person, not an animal, you can control your desires and wants. Most probably, she isn't going to go for "sceneing" with other women. The bedroom is the best place to start asserting your dominance, sometimes it makes it out of the bedroom door but sometimes it stays there and although that is not a true D/s relationship, it is what you are going to able to get without seriously harming someone. Your wife loves you deeply but some people just cannot share. And although some will argue the sexual aspect of BDSM, she just cannot share that aspect of your personal life with anyone else. Take the experiences you have had and cherish them but don't go down the same path, until you work things out at home.

< Message edited by DupedDom -- 5/15/2008 7:23:47 AM >

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/15/2008 7:42:23 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

Having sex with another person, is infidelity, regardless of how it is cloaked.

This is not true. There are couples in open relationships, swinging, and poly relationships. They do not consider infidelity the same way you do.

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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/16/2008 5:26:26 PM

Enochian

Posts: 59
Joined: 2/18/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Unless it's strictly a relationship of convenience, "let's do our best to help each other out" trumps "you promised you would do X five years ago, so no changing now."

I'm constantly amazed at how widespread the 'belief' is that one can make a Intelectual Promise for the Future about an Emotional State.   Maybe someone can actualy say that on June 19th, 2037, at 4:15pm they will *LOVE* with every fiber of their being Jophsef Stallin; but personaly I find that... highly improbable.

And I allways see lots of Emotional Reactions to a change of state of someone else's promise. And just as you said; it almost allways falls into the form of "you *promised* [intelectual event] that you would *love* [emotional reaction] lima beans forever and ever!!"

Welllllllllllll...... Now that the Emotion (or Driver, whathave you) has changed.... the real question is What Do You Do About It.   That seems to be the OP's real issue; is a full exploration of the issues inside the relationship; a maping of his priorities and hers; and then any possible intersection points.

The behind the back thing does allways tend to end up badly in the long run.   But I've seen a few open relationships (heck I was in one fro a few years, and it was a bit rocky, but good for the most part. Heck, I rather miss it) that have worked for years; so some form of that might be possible.

But 1st people need to get over that Emotional reaction to a change; and the 'blame game' about the change itself of emotions; and then move on from there. (I'm not addressing any actions that may or may not have occured that would engender blame, BTW)

But it's very hard to make a plan with two people (or more!) and then act on it; especialy if only one side is doing the heavy lifting.   But that full exploration of possibilities can come up with solutions that each side individualy may never have thought of by themselves.

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