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RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 2:17:13 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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I understand the problem of discovering the lifestyle later in life - i did - i think you need to talk to your wife and let her know that you have a need, what it is, and that you would like her permission to play. Playing doesn't have to include sex, and if i were your wife i would not want you having unprotected intercourse with another woman if i were still having intercourse with you.
Playing outside your marriage doesnt' have to threaten your marriage, if you are honest about it. Heck , take her to a munch so she can see that the people who are there aren't monsters, or really attractive, model types, but people she would see in the grocery store. They aren't in competition for her.

If you still love your wife, then running around behind her back is the last thing you need to do. I know of at least 2 couples in my area that are open in this way, so it can work.
If you don't know how to tell her - let her read this thread, and tell her that it is you. Well, actually i reread what you said, and that is probably not a great idea. But you get the idea.

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)

Post #: 21

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 2:26:55 PM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread.

< Message edited by BoiJen -- 5/12/2008 2:28:08 PM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 22

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 2:39:41 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread.

Answer: You can't. Not really. Consider what quality of partner you will have if you can only be "discreet." Now consider the quality of partner you can have if you are openly, ethically polyamorous. Even if you arrange the pervo version of a regular assignation, it'll feel emotionally hollow. Not a definition of "success" in my book.

One thing to consider: kinky sexual urges can get stronger or weaker, depending on other stresses in your life. Job uncertainty, just found your first grey hair, things like that. People feel the need to become more dominant, or to have control and responsibility stripped away. Step back from your immediate feelings and try to see the whole picture here. There's probably more going on than just a repressed wife.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 23

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 4:25:32 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jm29jm30

You're right, there's a club about 5 miles from my house, but remember, I'm married, have to be pretty discreet about it. I really wish my wife was into it, sucks to be me.

I actually just ended a relationship with a 43 married woman who's a Sub for another guy, an experienced Dom, they were on a break. What pisses me off is she never told me about him or entered into our relationship with the intentions for being a Sub. Said she thought I wouldn't understand, she should've known better when she discovered how incredibly perverse I really am.

hmmm... and will you be telling your wife about that one and any subsequent women who get involved with you?

marriage and lying to your wife about your actitivities (are you lying to her?) is likely just the first two strikes against you... a lot of people are looking for a life partner, or something long term

married male submissives always come to me.. and I tell them, if you lie to your wife, and even if you don't.. you'll let me down, it will happen because you're married...

maybe you should rethink your strategy -- work on your marriage or work on your divorce

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 24

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 4:26:59 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

Within a few miles of you there are several munches, a Lifestyle Learning Center, at least two organized groups and a couple of professional dungeons open to the public. There are also more submissive women than I can shake a whip at.

HOWEVER, unless you come to a meeting of the minds with your wife or get divorced, all of this might as well be on the far side of the moon. You may think she isn't going to find out. She will. I've been in the scene for almost half a century and I've seen people in your situation come and go and EVERYONE who did more than dabble and run back to his marriage has seen his world vanish in acrimony and accusations.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 25

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 7:37:32 PM

Wantstocontrolu

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline

Married and playing on the side is the first way to NOT earn anyones trust... sorry

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wantstocontrolu

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 26

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/12/2008 8:59:54 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

i do think you can find subs that are looking for married...BUT...
i also agree with kiwisub and JOHNWARREN's advice.

while many people are looking for relationships not everyone is. i have seen quite a few ads/profiles of Married Doms...some the spouse knows and some don't. my guess is that married D's have a smaller pool of candidates to chose from.

as an adult if you make the decision to proceed without your spouse's knowledge then you
also know the risks that come with that decision and only you know what you may gain or lose by making that choice.

in the past i have played with Married D's and i chose them due to circumstances in my life at the time. it allowed me to learn/explore and such without establishing a emotional connection and for me that was good. it was all that i wanted and needed at the time. communciation and expectations are key. if it is someone you play with on a consistent basis one thing you will come to realize is that a bond does begin to form...and then you have to be careful that you do not send mixed signals if you have not told your spouse...because then you could be in BIG TROUBLE....again....comes back to being responsible and facing up when those decisions bite you in the behind....and the risks you are willing to take....and only YOU can make that decision

(in reply to Wantstocontrolu)

Post #: 27

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 7:48:41 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

It just seems to me that this is another "can you tell me how successfully cheat on my wife?" thread.

I've already done that, don't need anyone to tell me how.

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 28

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 8:00:00 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wantstocontrolu

Married and playing on the side is the first way to NOT earn anyones trust... sorry

You can if they're married too, already had that with one relationship. Many of you need to look through another's eyes before you make judgements. Not all of us are as mistake free as all of you, we made our beds, so to speak, and now have to make the best of a tricky situation. Things tend to work out for a reason, even if they end badly. I wish I had the foresight to see that I made a mistake in my marriage, thought I could suppress my urges and desires, but It only got stronger, now I have to live with that mistake. Don't you all realize how much better it and easier it would be for me if I could get my wife into this lifestyle, that would be my first choice.

(in reply to Wantstocontrolu)

Post #: 29

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 8:03:52 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

Well since your such a good cheater... Im sure you will figure out how to be a fanfuckingtastic dom

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 30

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 8:43:17 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

Well I guess if you have decided that you want to persue a future of cheating on your spouse, then you might try a website that is geared soley towards such a purpose.

I do not condone it but you'll find people wanting to cheat on here tend to get slammed

you might want to look up ashleymadison.com

They have late night TV commercials

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 31

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 9:19:53 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Well since your such a good cheater... Im sure you will figure out how to be a fanfuckingtastic dom

BadOne

thanks for your vote of confidence!

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 32

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 9:22:14 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

Well I guess if you have decided that you want to persue a future of cheating on your spouse, then you might try a website that is geared soley towards such a purpose.

I do not condone it but you'll find people wanting to cheat on here tend to get slammed

you might want to look up ashleymadison.com

They have late night TV commercials

tend to get slammed, you think so! I have a thick skin, and I never judge others, so let the self righteous attack all they want.

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 33

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 9:32:50 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

It's not self-righteousness; it's reality. To be in control of another, you need to be in control of yourself. You aren't. You are putting urges (which you managed to suppress for years, while single and uncommitted) before commitments and social risks.

If you had said you didn't need to be "discreet" or you had said your wife knows and at least accepts, if not approves, it would be different.

Why are you kinkier now than you were five years ago?

You are not driving the kink. The kink is driving you. That is unlikely to end happily ever after.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 34

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 9:51:31 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

It's not self-righteousness; it's reality. To be in control of another, you need to be in control of yourself. You aren't. You are putting urges (which you managed to suppress for years, while single and uncommitted) before commitments and social risks.

If you had said you didn't need to be "discreet" or you had said your wife knows and at least accepts, if not approves, it would be different.

Why are you kinkier now than you were five years ago?

You are not driving the kink. The kink is driving you. That is unlikely to end happily ever after.

Nobody has control, it's an illusion. The only thing we humans can do on this planet is conquer the fear of realizing that we're not in control or that some may have more control than others, either way, we're all out of control in some respect. If you want to get into philosophical discussion about control, I'm game.

< Message edited by jm29jm30 -- 5/13/2008 9:52:00 AM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 35

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 10:02:48 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you found out your wife was cheating on you. Not just cheating...but advertising how successful she is at it, to boot!

I can't imagine that you'd feel like christmas morning. I think, and I know I'm not the only one, that it takes a shit kind of person to do what you're talking about doing. And before you go on about giving up your life...obviously you're willing to risk that anyways. And you are not the only person who's ever had to give up their lives. Go ask everyone in the LGBT community who's families don't speak to them...go travel to a couple of countries where it's not okay and find out how quick they could loose a job for being out...AND they're honest about who they are anyways.

You're a bottomfeeder dude, and there's no repspect that comes with that...much less "submission."

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 36

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 10:53:17 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you found out your wife was cheating on you. Not just cheating...but advertising how successful she is at it, to boot!

I can't imagine that you'd feel like christmas morning. I think, and I know I'm not the only one, that it takes a shit kind of person to do what you're talking about doing. And before you go on about giving up your life...obviously you're willing to risk that anyways. And you are not the only person who's ever had to give up their lives. Go ask everyone in the LGBT community who's families don't speak to them...go travel to a couple of countries where it's not okay and find out how quick they could loose a job for being out...AND they're honest about who they are anyways.

You're a bottomfeeder dude, and there's no repspect that comes with that...much less "submission."

I'm not the one who started the discussion about being good at cheating, I never made such a statement, read the thread. Too many morality police here. Also, thanks for not judging from a person who likes not to be judged about their sexuality. You know nothing about my situation, nor do I about you, but thanks for your opinion, I'll take it with a grain of salt.

Wow, I'm so happy to find so many open minded people here!

< Message edited by jm29jm30 -- 5/13/2008 10:58:33 AM >

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 37

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 10:57:15 AM

BoiJen

Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline

What I know about your situation is what've shared here. Which says nothing about her having lied to you from go about kinky. Time to stop being a child about your responsibility here. You have a responsibility to yourself and your wife...that's why you took vows remember? You get to be honest. And then she has a choice to deal or pack. That's what any relationship is about.

BTW I never said I wasn't judgemental. I just pointed out instances where people have been the "bigger man" compared to someone like yourself.

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 38

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 10:57:23 AM

uniquecouple2123

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/7/2008
Status: offline

Why cant you get a divorce?

(in reply to jm29jm30)

Post #: 39

RE: Same Old Problems for a Newbie! - 5/13/2008 11:03:29 AM

jm29jm30

Posts: 26
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

What I know about your situation is what've shared here. Which says nothing about her having lied to you from go about kinky. Time to stop being a child about your responsibility here. You have a responsibility to yourself and your wife...that's why you took vows remember? You get to be honest. And then she has a choice to deal or pack. That's what any relationship is about.

BTW I never said I wasn't judgemental. I just pointed out instances where people have been the "bigger man" compared to someone like yourself.

How do you know I haven't already discussed this with her, and got a look like I had four heads, being judged by your own spouse is not fun, you still have to see that person everyday when they have no acceptance or understanding of what you want and need. I'd rather engage in this with my wife, but she won't change, so have to.

< Message edited by jm29jm30 -- 5/13/2008 11:04:12 AM >

(in reply to BoiJen)

Post #: 40

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