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Am I the only person here who has been a "cheater?... - 6/11/2008 4:55:01 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		I've touched on this topic before in replies on other posts but reading the thread LA started about the "affairs of men" really got me thinking about it again.  Every single time the topics of infidelity, adultery, or "cheating" of any kind are discussed, it never fails that nearly all replies condemn it and brand it as something they would never do or accept a partner doing.  This always brings to mind the fact that all around us, couples split up, separate, and divorce everyday for just such reasons.   If no one ever admits to cheating, who are all these cheaters causing relationships to end?

I realize the posters here on the forums don't represent everyone in the world but I tend to think it's sort of a microcosm.  People who post here generally seem interested in sex and admit they seek it and have it.  We aren't all frigid.  Therefore, with all the cheating that obviously is going on in the world and with many of us out there involved in sexual relationships, I just find it extremely hard to believe that none of the posters around here have ever "cheated." 

When the subject comes up, a "cheater" is roundly scorned and condemned and no one seems willing to admit they've ever done it.  Well I confess.  I've been a "cheater" before on several occasions.  I don't think that everyone who is involved in an "illicit" relationship is total scum.  I've been there and done that (literally) for various reasons.  Am I the only one who will openly admit that?  I'm not saying it was the right thing to do.  But it's happened without what I'd call truly negative consequences.  I don't think it's the unforgivable sin and I don't think those who have done so are the lowest of the low, unlike many who post here.

I'm not condemning anyone for their opinions.  What I am asking is for any of you who are willing to admit you've committed infidelity to explain your experience a bit.  Why did you "cheat?"  Was it really totally negative?  If you prick a "cheater," does he/she not bleed?  Anyone know what I'm feeling here?

I am by no means saying lying and deceit are positive things.  But, on the other hand, people "cheat" for a variety of reasons and every situation is different.  There's got to be other "guilty" parties out there, eh?  'Fess up you "cheaters."  Why did you do it and was there anything positive that ever came out of it? 

Let's please be kind to each other because I'm genuinely curious.  I look forward to your feedback.  Thanks................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/11/2008 4:56:40 PM >

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:00:23 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		I've cheated. Usually out of immaturity, because I became bored with the relationship past the first couple of years. It was a pattern in the way I functioned... I'm not proud of it, but I own it. Anymore than that belongs to the realm of the ultra-private.

I agree with you it's strange how quick people are to judge others and to pour scorn and vitriol. A little while back, Level had a poll on the subject: it was rather amusing because so few men admitted to cheating :-) .

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:01:24 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I used to be a serial cheater.  I was scared, insecure, didn't know how to actively get what I wanted and convinced myself for awhile that it was the best choice (though really I was scared and didn't want to lose what I had).

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:03:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Years ago I knew a very nice man whose wife had MS and was bedridden with round the clock nurses. One of the ways he got his needs met and enough strength to carry on taking care of her was to have physically satisfying relationships with women he truly liked as friends. I have always thought that this was the most sensible thing for him to do.

As far as me? I tried to fix the relationship but one person can't. Since he didn't want any part of me I decided I was free to do what I wanted as long as I understood the meaning of the word discretion. Which I did. Having this support gave me the ability to look at how bad my life was, and to realize that I deserved more than my ex thought I did. And eventually to go and get it.

But you can't be committed to a relationship and still step out. You cannot eat your cake and have it too. However when all you ever get is crumbs, there's damn little reason not to go out and get a real piece of cake.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:05:02 PM   
angelicbitch


Posts: 224
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		I have cheated... not proud of it.. but now make the effort to not do it anymore. If I find something wrong with a realtionship before it gets to that point I will leave. Saves everyone involved alot of heartache.


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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:07:23 PM   
clodivs


Posts: 29
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		I've never cheated myself, but I was an accessory once (the other person, if you will).  A while back I had a short fling with a girl I knew who was in a relationship with another girl.  It eventually turned out that their relationship had issues of its own.  I can't say I approve of the situation I got myself into, but it was kind of like a moth to the flame.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:08:23 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol
I've cheated. Usually out of immaturity, because I became bored with the relationship past the first couple of years. It was a pattern in the way I functioned... I'm not proud of it, but I own it. Anymore than that belongs to the realm of the ultra-private.

 YAY, the first confession!  Seriously, I know exactly what you mean, kittin.  It was a pattern with me as well over many years and not something I'm proud of either.  As a matter of fact, I spoke with Master about it at length not long after our relationship began because I was seriously afraid it was a pattern I could not break.  Owning it is the first step, for sure.  I had to see it as a pattern and take concrete steps toward determining why and deciding not to continue it.

With that said, I still wouldn't characterize all my "cheating" experiences as wholly negative.  I would never do it now because of what I'd be destroying.  But back then it didn't really matter to be honest.  I am one of those rare people who doesn't think "cheating" has to mean the end of a relationship.  Sometimes it can even be the catalyst for something positive.  Just my humble opinion..................luci










< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/11/2008 5:09:18 PM >

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:12:15 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Sheesh!!!
Where the fuck was *I* when all you ladies were cheating!!!
That's one thing I've never done, cheat with another woman when I was going out with someone.
I flirt like hell but that was the extent of it!
The next time you ladies feel like cheating come on down to Myrtle Beach and it will be our little secret.

< Message edited by popeye1250 -- 6/11/2008 5:13:40 PM >

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:13:46 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		No, I honestly have never cheated. I've been cheated on, and I could never make someone else suffer that pain.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:13:48 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		Every cloud has a silver lining, and it's never easy to undertake change at a deep personal level. I agree with you: we learn from our mistakes and move on. It's all about deciding to break the negative cycles. It's like smoking cessation in ways: "Today, I will not cheat. I am no longer a cheater. I do not cheat." Okay, it's not that painful, but you get my meaning :-) .

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:18:57 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Years ago I knew a very nice man whose wife had MS and was bedridden with round the clock nurses. One of the ways he got his needs met and enough strength to carry on taking care of her was to have physically satisfying relationships with women he truly liked as friends. I have always thought that this was the most sensible thing for him to do

This is exactly the kind of thing I am thinking of only it doesn't even necessarily have to involve a spouse in such bad physical condition.  I have been involved with married men who truly loved their wives/families and didn't want to split.  But things weren't perfect and perhaps there was even no sexual relationship between them at all (or it was very little). 

I was in it for my own satisfaction, of course, but I also looked at it like this:  If he could maintain a happy homelife by getting a little on the side, how could it be all bad?  I know that sounds crude, but that's how I felt.  I was happy to be with him, he was happy to be with me, there were no delusions that it was anything more than it was and he went home to his wife and still loved her.  No, she was none the wiser but what did it really hurt?  I knew I wasn't going to get pregnant or give him an STD, so what was the real harm?  She wasn't sleeping with him and he had the right to get his needs met somewhere, right? 

I think this is the kind of thing that happens everywhere everyday and I'm just surprised that people focus all their judgment onto the spouse who's straying rather than the one who has reneged on the sexual part of the relationship altogether. 
quote:

As far as me? I tried to fix the relationship but one person can't. Since he didn't want any part of me I decided I was free to do what I wanted as long as I understood the meaning of the word discretion. Which I did. Having this support gave me the ability to look at how bad my life was, and to realize that I deserved more than my ex thought I did. And eventually to go and get it.

I've been in the exact same spot.  I know what you mean.
quote:

But you can't be committed to a relationship and still step out. You cannot eat your cake and have it too. However when all you ever get is crumbs, there's damn little reason not to go out and get a real piece of cake.

Well put and I couldn't agree more.  Back when I only got "crumbs" I was, as LA said, a "serial cheater."  Now that I have the best cake in the world with tons of delicious frosting, I wouldn't trade it for the world.................luci

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:21:38 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Sheesh!!!
Where the fuck was *I* when all you ladies were cheating!!!
That's one thing I've never done, cheat with another woman when I was going out with someone.
I flirt like hell but that was the extent of it!
The next time you ladies feel like cheating come on down to Myrtle Beach and it will be our little secret.

As usual, you cracked me up, Popeye!  You like 'em skinny, though, so it couldn't possibly work out.

I admire the fact that you've honestly never cheated.  That takes strong will.  Congrats to you.  I hope you get some takers on your offer.........luci

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:26:59 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

No, I honestly have never cheated. I've been cheated on, and I could never make someone else suffer that pain.

I understand what you mean and truly respect that. 

However, it doesn't always have to be painful.  Imagine this scenario:  A man can have an "affair" without getting someone pregnant, without catching a disease and without it negatively affecting his relationship at home.  What if it positively affects it?  He's now getting his sexual needs met, thus he's happier and less stressed and easier to get along with at home and because of this general mood upswing, life at home becomes better.  That IS possible.  I've seen it. 

Now in just such a scenario where the wife never knows he's "cheated," how is that going to be painful?  She'll never get a disease, they'll be no split or divorce, and the "other woman" has no desire to replace her.  If the end result is that of she and her husband remaining happily together, that wouldn't be painful. 

I know in an ideal world, no one would cheat.  But in this imperfect world where a scenario like above can and does happen, is it really all negative?  Just playing devil's advocate here.  Thanks folks for the sincere, kind responses...........luci

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:28:50 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

Every cloud has a silver lining, and it's never easy to undertake change at a deep personal level. I agree with you: we learn from our mistakes and move on. It's all about deciding to break the negative cycles. It's like smoking cessation in ways: "Today, I will not cheat. I am no longer a cheater. I do not cheat." Okay, it's not that painful, but you get my meaning :-) .

I don't know about it not being that "painful."  I've never been a smoker but it was hard to break the cycle of cheating, for sure.  It really took commitment................luci

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:29:55 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		The person outside of the marriage isn't responsible for the health of the marriage. The person the spouse is cheating with maybe an 'accessory', but he or she isn't the one who made a commitment to another.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:33:34 PM   
backseatbebe


Posts: 195
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissMagnolia

No, I honestly have never cheated. I've been cheated on, and I could never make someone else suffer that pain.

I understand what you mean and truly respect that. 

However, it doesn't always have to be painful.  Imagine this scenario:  A man can have an "affair" without getting someone pregnant, without catching a disease and without it negatively affecting his relationship at home.  What if it positively affects it?  He's now getting his sexual needs met, thus he's happier and less stressed and easier to get along with at home and because of this general mood upswing, life at home becomes better.  That IS possible.  I've seen it. 

Now in just such a scenario where the wife never knows he's "cheated," how is that going to be painful?  She'll never get a disease, they'll be no split or divorce, and the "other woman" has no desire to replace her.  If the end result is that of she and her husband remaining happily together, that wouldn't be painful. 

I know in an ideal world, no one would cheat.  But in this imperfect world where a scenario like above can and does happen, is it really all negative?  Just playing devil's advocate here.  Thanks folks for the sincere, kind responses...........luci


if it is hidden and there is no commuincation about the subject then yes i would say it is always negative
leaving your partner in the dark has nothing postitive about it

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:35:39 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

The person outside of the marriage isn't responsible for the health of the marriage. The person the spouse is cheating with maybe an 'accessory', but he or she isn't the one who made a commitment to another.

True, indeed.  But as an "accessory," I knew full well the men were married and chose to have sex with them anyway.  I knew it wasn't "right" in many ways but I wanted to do it and figured "ignorance was bliss" on the wife's part. 

I know that was selfish and immature but in situations like what I've mentioned in above posts, I really didn't feel it was an evil or despicable thing we were doing.  I honestly never wanted to take their wife's place or harm her in anyway.  I had no intention of ever exposing what had happened and knew I was disease-free and wouldn't get pregnant.  As crazy as it sounds, I really didn't think it was all that bad because, as you mentioned, I wasn't the one who had taken the vows and I wasn't the one breaking them.  Of course, I was tempting/helping him to and that was wrong as well.  I just didn't have destructive intentions and I don't think most "cheaters" do..................luci 

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:37:33 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: backseatbebe
if it is hidden and there is no commuincation about the subject then yes i would say it is always negative
leaving your partner in the dark has nothing postitive about it

Thank you for your response, backseatbebe.  You don't agree that the things I mentioned there in post #13 could be in any way positive?  Not at all?

luci

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:39:57 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		I've been an unknowing accessory.  At least unknowing when it happened, and when I found out I walked away from the situation.
 
It's not something that I condone.  It's not something that I tolerate - whether it's in myself or my partner.
 
Have I Considered doing so?  Yes - but walked away from the unsatisfying relationship instead, after trying everything I could think of (and a few things I didn't think of that were suggested by friends) to work on the problems prior to doing so.
 
I do not consider open relationships to be cheating.  That is a choice made between All of those involved.  Cheating is being decietful about it - and once you're willing to be decietful about one thing, it quickly degenerates into a willingness to be decietful about Everything.  Then the trust is gone, and what's left?  If you have to lie to accomplish it - it's wrong.

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RE: Am I the only person here who has been a "chea... - 6/11/2008 5:46:18 PM   
MasterGyre


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I don't think my other half has, but I have cheated three times, twice in the same relationship, and thought about it strongly in another.  I wouldn't say it was a habit as much as it is something I am just strongly compelled to do under easily-created circumstances -- negligence.  If I am being ignored or feel unloved, I start looking for the attention and magic elsewhere.  I don't realize that I'm doing it until I'm already head-over-heels for this new person who, in both circumstances, was not someone I could keep.

The first time was with my first relationship -- I had a sweet, beautiful girlfriend for just over a year.  However, her family detested our relationship (it's Georgia, what does anyone expect?) and although she was old enough to move out and she frequently promised me she was 'about to', it never happened.  She was too afraid to stand up to them at all, and it broke my heart.  So I fell for another girl about her age, had a fling (no sex, but kissing/intamacy, which I still count as cheating) but since she was dating a guy she was quite serious about, there could be no relationship.  I told my girlfriend and we moved past it, until the neglect pushed me to cheat again with a guy who I would later date.  I've never entirely stopped feeling guilty about our relationship falling apart -- but I got to the point where I no longer had that kind of connection with her (loved her, but not in that way.)

I never cheated with the boyfriend who followed but by the end of our relationship, I thought about it.  I picked up a friend with benefits about half a year later, who introduced me to BDSM, and when I tried to start a relationship with someone else (who I dated because he wouldn't leave me alone) I found myself returning to my 'Master'.  After that relationship ended and my friend-with-benefits and I parted ways, I dated a bit before finding my current dominant.  During the dating I did in-between, I felt no compulsion to cheat, because I felt loved, and now that I am with my Master, whom I have been with for three years, the thought has not crossed my mind once.

Thanks for making a topic like this.  I always feel like I have to defend myself when I explain my 'less-than-absolutely-faithful' past relationships and I hate feeling that way.  In my case, I suffered as badly and as long, if not worse and longer, than the people I cheated on.  I went through as much mental torture and baggage as they did, the guilt ate me away as much as their sorrow ate at them.

~ Gyre's Kami

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