RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me

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RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:10:38 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

considering this is your journal entry..........

Journal Entries:

6/24/2007 11:52:31 PM [Report Entry]

Okay, here's the deal. I am engaged to a wonderful woman who doesn't understand BDSM. I'm just looking to talk to like-minded people. I write great stories, I have an active imagination, and like to talk.

seems like you knew who she was and what she wanted before you ever got married.

Yeah, kinda. That was right after I moved in. She had informed me that she didn't really know anything about BDSM, but she was open minded. That changed. When I wrote that Journal entry, I was still dealing with the concept that she wasn't familiar with the lifestyle, and figured that I would take it slow with her, so I wouldn't freak her out, but could still talk to like minded people. But now whenever I even suggest anything even remotely playful, I get the "Sigh... Is that all you ever think about?" Or, "Wow, that's oh so romantic."

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

Post #: 21

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:11:39 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

Go to counseling. Also take a class on how to communicate in a relationship.

Normally good advice, but this seems to me like an instance where better communication would only serve to cast a bigger spotlight on the expanse of incompatibilities. Counseling is good when there is a foundation that seems worth holding onto and emotional investment worth saving. I get no sense of that here. Maybe it's just me, though.

I wasn't suggesting either of those things to save the relationship. I happen to think it was doomed way before the "I do" part. But he needs counseling to figure out why he took this monumental step (getting married) without really knowing the person he picked to spend the rest of his life with (which looks doubtful now anyway), so that he can make better choices in the future.

Part of those better choices is learning how to communicate, since it seems like there wasn't much of that going on at any point in the relationship.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 22

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:12:57 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick
I wasn't suggesting either of those things to save the relationship. I happen to think it was doomed way before the "I do" part. But he needs counseling to figure out why he took this monumental step (getting married) without really knowing the person he picked to spend the rest of his life with (which looks doubtful now anyway), so that he can make better choices in the future.

Part of those better choices is learning how to communicate, since it seems like there wasn't much of that going on at any point in the relationship.

Cali

In that case, I thoroughly agree with you.

_____________________________

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 23

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:13:02 PM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
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Well, without knowing what your 'tactics' were...maybe it was your approch...you know...walking up with a ginormous dildo might get some eye rolls from the best of us...

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Post #: 24

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:15:19 PM

angelslave77

Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

So your a sub, she is not into kink and you knew all this before you got married and you got married anyway without (from what I can gather trying to talk to her about kink) and now your complaining cause your not getting any. Seems to me you doomed yourself to failure from the start.

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 25

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:16:07 PM

UmbraDomina

Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline

and just as a point, I agree with her about sharing insertables........ each person should have their own, no matter how well you 'cleaned them"

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(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 26

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:18:29 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

Well, without knowing what your 'tactics' were...maybe it was your approch...you know...walking up with a ginormous dildo might get some eye rolls from the best of us...

Nah, I wouldn't do that just out of the blue. Usually I'll ask something semi-cute and flirtatious, not downright crude. And she'll say, "You're being naughty." Well, yeah, I am. I tell her we're married, I'm allowed to be a little naughty. Then I get the, "Is that all....." It's just frustrating.

I was open with her from the beginning. When we started dating, I told her what I was into. She was non-committal, but told me that she was a freak, "in her own way." I haven't seen it.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 27

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:19:14 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

and just as a point, I agree with her about sharing insertables........ each person should have their own, no matter how well you 'cleaned them"

Ditto

_____________________________

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~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

Post #: 28

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:21:42 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup
She was non-committal, but told me that she was a freak, "in her own way."

I would certainly call wanting no more than 5 instances of sexual interaction (in 5 months) with someone you're supposed to want to be intimate with a sign of being a "freak" alright...

And not the good kind.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 29

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:22:33 PM

bluefireroses

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

I agree with everyone that has replied so far, it appears as though you jumped into marriage with out really understanding what your relationship would entail. While it does suck that she is unwilling to explore D/s, you made the choice to marry her with out any real indication that she was going to open up to even parts of the lifestyle.

You have several personal choices to make. The first being exactly how important kink is to you, the second whether or not your love for her can over come the first. It does sound as though there are deeper issues, which talking to a counselor would help. If she decides not to go with you, then truthfully she probably isn't fully invested in your relationship.

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

Post #: 30

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:22:37 PM

LadyLupineNYC

Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

I was open with her from the beginning. When we started dating, I told her what I was into. She was non-committal, but told me that she was a freak, "in her own way." I haven't seen it.

This is like pulling teeth...have you ASKED her what 'her way' is?

_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."

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Post #: 31

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:23:26 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UmbraDomina

and just as a point, I agree with her about sharing insertables........ each person should have their own, no matter how well you 'cleaned them"

Agreed. But, as an example, one of the toys is a plug that I use on myself so that I can vibrate when I'm inside of her. I'm the only one that has ever used it, and I'm the only one that will ever use it. But she thinks it's "scary".

We talked openly before we got married. She knows that I love having my nipples played with. (Pinched, the harder the better) This was another thing that I was recently told was only done for my pleasure.

I'm trying hard not to fail at another marriage, which is why I'm trying to get some advice. If I really didn't care, I would have left a few months ago, and just been done with it. But I really don't want to do that.

(in reply to UmbraDomina)

Post #: 32

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:30:39 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

So.,.. why did you marry her... for the potential of kink? What was sex like before you got married? A few public handcuffings does not a kinkster make.
I don't understand the concept of being in a relationship under the premise of "I can change them" Why marry?
Kyst

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 33

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:31:04 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyLupineNYC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

I was open with her from the beginning. When we started dating, I told her what I was into. She was non-committal, but told me that she was a freak, "in her own way." I haven't seen it.

This is like pulling teeth...have you ASKED her what 'her way' is?

I have. I was given examples of things that she did when she was younger, being involved with a female, having a threesome, etc. But now, she doesn't need these things. Now, it's straight up vanilla, all the time. I've asked her what her fantasies are. "I really don't have any." is the response I get. She still expresses herself when she finds a female attractive, and one night, after a couple of bottles of wine, one of the attractive women was on TV. She again said that the girl was "Sexy." and I tried to explore that. She told me that she might make out with her, but wouldn't go any further then that.

I've done or suggested almost everything I can think of to get her to open up to me about what she likes or doesn't like. I've tried to explain to her that "although sex is not everything in a relationship, it sure beats whatever's in second place." I've even just tried to explain to her that I would like to have sex more then once a month. So far, deaf ears.

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)

Post #: 34

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:31:05 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Fail at "another" marriage? Meaning this is not your first, right? Counseling, counseling, counseling.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 35

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:35:23 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

OBVIOUSLY she doesn't want to have sex with you. Now the ball is in your court. You have to decide if you can live without sex....or not.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 36

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:35:46 PM

JewAndCelt

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

Some women want monogomy in marriage. Perhaps not wanting to have threesomes or a girl friend is her view of marriage?

I totally agree with Cali.........get counseling.

_her

< Message edited by JewAndCelt -- 9/22/2008 8:45:46 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 37

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:37:46 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

Why did I marry her? Sometimes I ask myself the same damn question. When we got involved, it seemed like we had a lot in common. Same job, with the same dangers and rushes, we liked each other, (we still do), we seemed to get along, it seemed like a great relationship. To be honest, with our varying schedules, we saw very little of each other when we were dating, and sex was a big part of our time together. She was married and I was involved with someone, so we were sneaking around alot. Then she got divorced, (she was in the middle of that when we hooked up, but she was still married,) and I ended my relationship, (for other reasons), and we got together. I was working 60 to 75 hrs a week, she was working 50 to 60, and they weren't the same hours.

We finally got different jobs, and now have more time together. During this time, we've talked about the whole sex/BDSM/romance thing, and all of this stuff finally came out. She has even made jokes about the time frame between being together. She knows that it's a long time between... And she's okay with that.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 38

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:47:01 PM

CruelDesires

Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

Classic "bait and switch" relationship. Would it bother her if you went and played outside of the marraige? Maybe did the "open" type relationship thing?

C-D

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Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
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(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 39

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:48:01 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

The more you post, the louder I want to say, "COUNSELING, COUNSELING, COUNSELING."

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 40

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