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RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:49:32 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

The more you post, the louder I want to say, "COUNSELING, COUNSELING, COUNSELING."

Cali

No kidding. You just couldn't make this kind of stuff up either.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 41

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:51:38 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Yay, right? Not so much. You see, before I even met my wife, I had heard some good things about her, that she was "kind of" a freak. She was supposedly bisexual, (a big plus), had done threesomes, etc, etc. We met, and while we were dating, we did some neat things, public stuff, light handcuffing, nothing major. When I moved into her house, I showed her my "trunk o'funk", and she said that she wasn't interested in using the insertables because they had already been used. (I did clean them after use, they weren't dirty or anything, she just knew that they had been used before) I figured, fine, we'd go and get new ones.

We got married, and now... Nothing. Since May, we've had SEX a grand total of 5 times. And play? She recently told me that the only reason she even had me smack her ass was because she thought I was into it. WTF, over? Of course, now being bi is out, so is going to the store. It's like sex has become something that she doesn't even like, and I'm just supposed to deal with it.

And, I've tried to talk to her about it, and I get the response of, "Well, with our schedules and everything else, sex isn't something I'm too worried about."

I am. So, how do I address this? Suggestions would be helpful.

I want to be completely straight forward (sorry I don't know how to be anything else) without offending you but honestly....... Sometimes timing is off, sometimes people are exhausted, sometimes men and women lose their "creativity" and forget how to be romantic or exciting. Perhaps you need to work harder at making sex with you more interesting or appealing. Perhaps you aren't focusing on her needs but on your own.
Have you asked her what "she" wants???
Have you thought of doing something for her that doesn't involve sex but is purely unselfish.................like have a warm soapy bath ready for her when she gets home maybe some candles lit, maybe dinner ready. Don't expect anything from her in return and in not expecting you might just get lucky, if not that night the next because of your loving consideration.
If you want to be happy practice compassion. If you want others to be happy ...............practice compassion.
Complaining doesn't fix things, marriage takes work every single day.

I realize my suggestions are not very submissive but in the real world of day to day some times after a long day the last thing I am thinking about is bending over and being the perfect little pain slut Master wants. I am fortunate that he understands this and does do unexpected things, some of the ones I suggested to you for me. Those acts of kindness and loving consideration make me want to be more for him especially when I don't feel like it because "he" deserves it.

Good luck,
scarlet

_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.

see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 42

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:53:58 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

The more you post, the louder I want to say, "COUNSELING, COUNSELING, COUNSELING."

Cali

Last month, it all came to a head, about this and other issues. I finally had enough and told her that she had three choices: She could continue pretending that everything was great, in which case our marriage was circling the drain, counseling, so we could maybe salvage our relationship, or I could just pack my stuff and leave and we would stop extending the charade. For a week and a half, I didn't get a response, then she told me that she had purchased a DVD about relationships, because we "don't have time" to meet with a counselor, and that she doesn't want to go and talk to a stranger, because she tried counseling before, and it didn't work.

I'm more then willing to go to counseling, but unless I can convince her, we won't be going. I should go on my own.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 43

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:55:24 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I should go on my own.

Yessssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 44

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 8:58:18 PM

MistresseLotus

Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline

Does it surprise you that some women fein "bi" to attract a man? Some even are willing to do "anything" to solidify the relationship .. and once they got ya... what can I say...."reality bites.

Did you establish your relaionship on the basis of sex only? If so.. first mistake.

_____________________________

I leave it to the 20-somethings to do the "open-minded, total unconditional acceptance thing" for it's how THEY learn that all the things others older than they have deemed BS, are in fact BS. What a waste of a decade.

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 45

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:02:10 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlethiney

I want to be completely straight forward (sorry I don't know how to be anything else) without offending you but honestly....... Sometimes timing is off, sometimes people are exhausted, sometimes men and women lose their "creativity" and forget how to be romantic or exciting. Perhaps you need to work harder at making sex with you more interesting or appealing. Perhaps you aren't focusing on her needs but on your own.
Have you asked her what "she" wants???
Have you thought of doing something for her that doesn't involve sex but is purely unselfish.................like have a warm soapy bath ready for her when she gets home maybe some candles lit, maybe dinner ready. Don't expect anything from her in return and in not expecting you might just get lucky, if not that night the next because of your loving consideration.
If you want to be happy practice compassion. If you want others to be happy ...............practice compassion.
Complaining doesn't fix things, marriage takes work every single day.

I realize my suggestions are not very submissive but in the real world of day to day some times after a long day the last thing I am thinking about is bending over and being the perfect little pain slut Master wants. I am fortunate that he understands this and does do unexpected things, some of the ones I suggested to you for me. Those acts of kindness and loving consideration make me want to be more for him especially when I don't feel like it because "he" deserves it.

Good luck,
scarlet

Believe me, I'm definately not offended. Let me give some examples of the right things I've done, and the wrong things as well. I know I'm not even close to perfect.

Last month, for no reason at all, I sent her roses. One dozen red roses. Would you believe that we did not have sex until after they died? Not the night I got them, or that weekend, it was almost a week and a half later.

I love to cook, so I'll make dinner. I get to hear about how I should have done this or done that, instead of saying anything about what I did do. I'll rub her shoulders, her neck, her back, her legs, etc, etc. Nada. Walk up behind her and kiss her neck for fun. Nothing. I even asked her if it was just that she was not attracted to me. She claims that she is. She just doesn't seem to like sex. Oral? I haven't performed oral in over two years. Anal? Never, I've been told. And if I last longer then ten to fifteen minutes, she gets sore and tired.

I don't know.

(in reply to scarlethiney)

Post #: 46

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:03:36 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Eric, you're missing the point ENTIRELY. You are trying to blame her for everything wrong in your relationship. It doesn't matter what she has done, it truly doesn't. YOU didn't do YOUR part to make sure this was right before you got married. Stop trying to change HER right now, and go to counseling to figure out YOUR part in this. If that means the end of your marriage, so be it.

In any case, you will be doomed to make this same mistake over and over unless you figure out how to do things differently.

Counseling. For you. With her or without her. Counseling.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to MistresseLotus)

Post #: 47

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:07:22 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistresseLotus

Does it surprise you that some women fein "bi" to attract a man? Some even are willing to do "anything" to solidify the relationship .. and once they got ya... what can I say...."reality bites.

Did you establish your relaionship on the basis of sex only? If so.. first mistake.

I understand that she was bi before she even knew that I existed. I don't define a relationship solely on the sexual, but I do believe that unless the sexual attraction is there, nothing else will happen. What I looked for in a relationship was a smart woman, strong willed, who could take care of herself financially, attractive, sexual, a good sense of humor, (hopefully like mine), who is supportive and willing to accept support, who is willing to learn, etc, etc. You know, the almost perfect woman, LOL.

I got a lot of that, the smarts, the strong will, but the sexual closed mindedness is just a deal-breaker for me.

(in reply to MistresseLotus)

Post #: 48

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:14:39 PM

ericpup

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Eric, you're missing the point ENTIRELY. You are trying to blame her for everything wrong in your relationship. It doesn't matter what she has done, it truly doesn't. YOU didn't do YOUR part to make sure this was right before you got married. Stop trying to change HER right now, and go to counseling to figure out YOUR part in this. If that means the end of your marriage, so be it.

In any case, you will be doomed to make this same mistake over and over unless you figure out how to do things differently.

Counseling. For you. With her or without her. Counseling.

Cali

So, I get the feeling that you have something that you're trying to suggest. LOL

I do understand. And I think that if for nothing more then my own emotional health, I should see someone.

Thanks to all for your replies. Have to get up early tomorrow, so good night.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 49

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:30:44 PM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

I hate to even mention this but is there any possibility that at this point in her life she is actually more lesbian than bisexual and just doesnt want to admit it to herself or you?

Just a thought.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 50

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 9:36:57 PM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

I hate to even mention this but is there any possibility that at this point in her life she is actually more lesbian than bisexual and just doesnt want to admit it to herself or you?

Just a thought.

I was thinking the same thing. Either that, or because their schedules are so mis-matched, she's having an affair with someone.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 51

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/22/2008 10:15:51 PM

VivaciousSub

Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup
Believe me, I'm definately not offended. Let me give some examples of the right things I've done, and the wrong things as well. I know I'm not even close to perfect.

Last month, for no reason at all, I sent her roses. One dozen red roses. Would you believe that we did not have sex until after they died? Not the night I got them, or that weekend, it was almost a week and a half later.

I love to cook, so I'll make dinner. I get to hear about how I should have done this or done that, instead of saying anything about what I did do. I'll rub her shoulders, her neck, her back, her legs, etc, etc. Nada. Walk up behind her and kiss her neck for fun. Nothing. I even asked her if it was just that she was not attracted to me. She claims that she is. She just doesn't seem to like sex. Oral? I haven't performed oral in over two years. Anal? Never, I've been told. And if I last longer then ten to fifteen minutes, she gets sore and tired.

I don't know.

Eric, while I'm also jumping on the COUNSEL THYSELF bandwagon, I'd like to point out that what I've highlighted above struck me as odd. Your relationship has been on a downhill run for awhile, yet you seem to be surprised that the roses - while a very sweet idea and one many partners male or female would appreciate - didn't immediately wet her whistle, to coin a phrase.

With as many things going wrong in this relationship as there seems to be, it strikes me as a tad unrealistic that after hardly any sex - or worse, any real relationship - to believe that everything would be made better by this gesture.

Broken record: get yourself into counseling, pronto. You cannot change her reaction, but you can change the way you react to her. Sometimes working on your own dynamic will bring out positive changes in those close to you.

I've seen it happen when I've exhibited and displayed new, healthier behaviors around/toward my family. Could we all have used a healthy dose of professional help? Yep. As that wasn't feasible, I worked on changing the way I reacted to them, and that dragged my family into a world of healthier living. I'm not say it'll happen exactly that way for you, but it will at least show her that YOU are serious, which should provide impetus for change one way or another.

_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 52

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 5:26:22 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

It is also possible she is not sexual at all. Many women I know experimented with other women, moved on to men and stayed there. And at least one of them tried both, and is still not that sexual. She was just trying to find out where she fit and discovered that sex doesnt mean that much to her.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe
I hate to even mention this but is there any possibility that at this point in her life she is actually more lesbian than bisexual and just doesnt want to admit it to herself or you?

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 53

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 5:45:36 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

I strongly suspect that it has a lot to do with the way in which you suggest sex - apparently, all the time. I don't blame you.
I suggest sex a lot, too. It might be down to about 15 times a day, now that my time with Master on work days is limited to an hour in the morning, (when we are already having sex) and 2 or 3 hours at night (when, usually... oh, never mind).

But, I am going to get bashed for this, but - read John Grey.
If you are hyper focused on sex, my advice isn't going to work, because you are going to change it subtly and fuck it up badly.
Be swwet, romantic, and - after a while of that, even gently and playfully physical together, without it being about sex. I suspect that the fact that everything you do and everything you say is focused on your acheiving your goals and getting your rocks off in your way is making her not want it at all. It's like making me eat all of my food covered with chocolate - I like chocolate alot, but, i'm going to get sick of chocolate.
She opened up to you and talked to you about finding a woman sexy. instead of just cuddling up and enjoying the moment with her, you jumped in - here's an open door! let's talk about me getting what I want!
and from your writing, it sounds like that happens a lot. can you just kiss her in the morning without it leading to talking about sexy? spoon her at night without trying to have sex?
Why does her liking different sensations than you make her cold? She does not like the feel of your cock being artificially vibrated. You do. So, in your mind, your 'right', and she is unsexual.
Sounds like she was sexual enough before you met her.
If I told you 'focus on her needs for a while', you'd say, 'I have. I want to know what SHE LIKES (you mean, what kind of sex...) what she needs ( what kind of sex)...'
John Grey says, one difference between men and women is, for men, sex happens in the bedroom. For women, sex is everything, everywhere.
It's the pat on the ass in the kitchen. It's the flowers you bring her. It's holding hands, talking over dinner.
(before I get attacked, yes, John Grey over generalizes. In particular, lifestyle people seem much less likely to focus on 'the act' as sex. But there are some truths in the generalities)
When was the last time you took her out for a cozy dinner, sat talking over candlelight, holding hands - and never mentioned sex? had no advance motive to get in her pants?
I suspect it has been so long that you will now have to do it repeatedly to gain back her trust.
She doesn't want to have sex with you because 'that's all you think about'. IOW, you make her feel like sex is the only reason you care about her.
Run her a bubble bath, light some candles, pour some wine and put a book by the bathtub, when she comes home tired from work. Then - leave the fucking bathroom. Go play Doom. Let her relax.
Watch a movie and snuggle, without looking for an opening in the movie to bring up 'the talk' again.
Serriously. It's not sex that is the problem. It is that you have made her feel like that is all she is to you. Get sex out of the equation until you win her trust back.
And go to councelling. What CC said.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 54

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:26:09 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

This whole thread has made me sad. It seems to me that you are basing your idea of the success of your marriage only on sex. You say that you are still very good friends. There is a lot more to a relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM, than sex.

Sending flowers does not equal getting sex. I heard an excellent suggestion on the podshow Sex Is Fun for dealing with a partner with a lower libido. Stop talking about sex completely or making any overt sexual touches until the person comes to you. If you touch her, do something like squeeze her shoulder, rub her back gently, give a platonic hug. Others have tried this and found that soon their partner is craving them. It may take a week or more, but enjoy the other things about her in between. If she agreed to watch a relationship DVD with you then she is at least trying - possibly to the best of her ability. Sit and watch it with her, and don't be too quick to stand up for yourself is she compares a situation to you. Listen to what she has to say, think about it, apply it to yourself as you imagine she might, and if you choose to respond to so quietly and respectfully.

_____________________________

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 55

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:38:11 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

…she had purchased a DVD about relationships, because we "don't have time" to meet with a counselor, and that she doesn't want to go and talk to a stranger, because she tried counseling before, and it didn't work.

“she tried counseling before, and it didn't work”
I wish you the best and hope you can fix it. I'm sure you wouldn't have married her if you didn't have passion for her. but there’s your sign bro. However, if this is a reoccurring pattern or problem with her it prolly aint gonna get better .

I do see some things you have said that give me pause about your role though.
You dated a year and half… were you the top or bottom? You list as submissive but talk about your pre marriage experiences topping her. “the only reason she even had me smack her ass was because she thought I was into it”

I am a little confused about your relationship roles because you list yourself as submissive but your complaints are typically those of a dominant i. e. “she’s not bi”, “she was on the receiving end of insertables she didn’t want to play with”. Usually male subs complain about the size of things their mistresses insert into them, not the other way around.

Anyway, you said she was good to go sexually prior to marriage. The only mixed signals you have given me is about who is top vs bottom. I wonder if after marriage, you gave her mixed signals expecting her to be the spanker not the spankee and this turned her off? Just a though from a long distance observer. Good luck whatever the case may be.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 56

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:39:01 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

Why did I marry her? Sometimes I ask myself the same damn question. When we got involved, it seemed like we had a lot in common. Same job, with the same dangers and rushes, we liked each other, (we still do), we seemed to get along, it seemed like a great relationship. To be honest, with our varying schedules, we saw very little of each other when we were dating, and sex was a big part of our time together. She was married and I was involved with someone, so we were sneaking around alot. Then she got divorced, (she was in the middle of that when we hooked up, but she was still married,) and I ended my relationship, (for other reasons), and we got together. I was working 60 to 75 hrs a week, she was working 50 to 60, and they weren't the same hours.

We finally got different jobs, and now have more time together. During this time, we've talked about the whole sex/BDSM/romance thing, and all of this stuff finally came out. She has even made jokes about the time frame between being together. She knows that it's a long time between... And she's okay with that.

Okay, so you began your relationship with deception and betrayal

Are you happy?

If not, then you and she need to get your fanny's into a counselor.

Do you love each other?

If this issue is degrading that love or making you both put up walls, then you and she need to get your fanny's into a counselor.

There is a point where counseling becomes a non-negotiable item - "if you won't go with me to work on our relationship, then we are done"

But again...you began your relationship with deception and betrayal

I really hope the significance of this sinks in to you. The moment that you betray that trust of relationship, you betray your honor, and you betray yourself. Even if you are not the one "cheating", participation is just as bad for you and for her.

You are the sum of all your experiences. Your choices shape where and who you are today. Time to assess...

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to ericpup)

Post #: 57

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:46:38 AM

JewAndCelt

Posts: 110
Joined: 8/23/2008
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

You are the sum of all your experiences. Your choices shape where and who you are today. Time to assess...

Bravo Otter :)

_her

_____________________________

Maturity is patience. Mastery is nine times patience.

!!!!!!כי לא נולד הבן זונה שיעצור את ישראל

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 58

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:51:35 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup
.... She was married and I was involved with someone, so we were sneaking around alot. ...

Okay, so you began your relationship with deception and betrayal .......

I'm getting old, I missed that one in my read through. Thnx.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 59

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:52:25 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

~FR~

Karma bites...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to JewAndCelt)

Post #: 60

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