Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me Page: <<   < prev  3 4 [5] 6 7   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:18:00 PM   
giveeverything


Posts: 348
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw

I base my "marriage is bad" hypothesis on 3 precepts.  Both of my best friends are in marriages and they fight/argue with their wives constantly.  My father is working on marriage #9 I think.  Lost count after 6 and never knew or met the last 3 wives.  They end badly in every case. 
I pretty much figured it was a personal issue......

(in reply to wulfgarw)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:20:38 PM   
giveeverything


Posts: 348
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

No right to have sex with the wife?  Well, maybe that is true here in the matriarchal United States, but on a power exchange forum?  Come on guys, step away from the ERA flags please.

yea, you still need consent to have sex with your wife.  And some of us on this forum believe a power exchange can only happen in the context of both parties having equal access to that power in order to exchange it -- vive la ERA....

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:26:15 PM   
Slavelary


Posts: 54
Joined: 7/28/2008
Status: offline 		Hmm...  Talk about bad luck.

Well my Master was unhappily married for many years.  From what I've heard it was strictly vanilla.  Eventually He had the sense to divorce so He could carry on with the lifestyle He was missing...

< Message edited by Slavelary -- 9/23/2008 6:28:11 PM >

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 6:52:40 PM   
wulfgarw


Posts: 752
Joined: 3/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything

quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw


But that's the beginning.  She's already got a lawyer and judge (man hating Uber-feminists btw) lined up for the divorce to take everything, the bank accounts, the $50K SUV she 'must' have, the house, and even the dog, all before the wedding.  She alienates you from your friends.  Then she tries to burn the house down for the fire insurance.

  I vote that misogyny is bad... but... that's just me.


Please don't  misunderstand me.  I'm not misgynonistic, and my deepest apologies if I come across that way. I like women. I would like to be with one if I can ever find one that'll have me.  I am simply relating in that every case that I know, marriage always creates more problems than it solves.  Every instance I listed above has happened to my father or my best friends at one time or another.  And hence the statement. 

(in reply to giveeverything)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:09:18 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

Today is my first wedding anniversary.  Yay, right?  Not so much.  You see, before I even met my wife, I had heard some good things about her, that she was "kind of" a freak.  She was supposedly bisexual, (a big plus), had done threesomes, etc, etc.  We met, and while we were dating, we did some neat things, public stuff, light handcuffing, nothing major.  When I moved into her house, I showed her my "trunk o'funk", and she said that she wasn't interested in using the insertables because they had already been used.  (I did clean them after use, they weren't dirty or anything, she just knew that they had been used before)  I figured, fine, we'd go and get new ones. 

We got married, and now...  Nothing.  Since May, we've had SEX a grand total of 5 times.  And play?  She recently told me that the only reason she even had me smack her ass was because she thought I was into it.  WTF, over?  Of course, now being bi is out, so is going to the store.  It's like sex has become something that she doesn't even like, and I'm just supposed to deal with it. 

And, I've tried to talk to her about it, and I get the response of, "Well, with our schedules and everything else, sex isn't something I'm too worried about."

I am.  So, how do I address this?  Suggestions would be helpful. 


Someone told me a long time ago..."The best wife...is a girlfriend.  Once they become a wife....you need a girlfriend".

(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:11:36 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

Today is my first wedding anniversary.  Yay, right?  Not so much.  You see, before I even met my wife, I had heard some good things about her, that she was "kind of" a freak.  She was supposedly bisexual, (a big plus), had done threesomes, etc, etc.  We met, and while we were dating, we did some neat things, public stuff, light handcuffing, nothing major.  When I moved into her house, I showed her my "trunk o'funk", and she said that she wasn't interested in using the insertables because they had already been used.  (I did clean them after use, they weren't dirty or anything, she just knew that they had been used before)  I figured, fine, we'd go and get new ones. 

We got married, and now...  Nothing.  Since May, we've had SEX a grand total of 5 times.  And play?  She recently told me that the only reason she even had me smack her ass was because she thought I was into it.  WTF, over?  Of course, now being bi is out, so is going to the store.  It's like sex has become something that she doesn't even like, and I'm just supposed to deal with it. 

And, I've tried to talk to her about it, and I get the response of, "Well, with our schedules and everything else, sex isn't something I'm too worried about."

I am.  So, how do I address this?  Suggestions would be helpful. 


By the way...it doesn't get better (and the only ones that think it does....are women).

Lay it on me girls....tell me how it is!

(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:13:05 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Sounds like you got set up... what do you do when someone tricks you?  I would be out of there in a heartbeat...


(Couldn't have said it better).

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:16:55 PM   
christine1


Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline 		well i'm a girl, (checking..yep i am!), and i'm not one to always think something will get better just because i want it to.  mind you, this came from a few, ok several hard knocks on my part.  sometimes reality is so hard to take that we enter into any other option we have...been there, done that.  really, all i can say is experience and maturity go a long way...doesn't make some things easier, but maybe at least more recognizable and realistic.

_____________________________

i am woman! er, godzilla! hear me roar!

http://wavcentral.com/cgi-bin/log/log.cgi?id=2856&sound=/sounds/movies/godzilla/roar.mp3


He's the "boom" overwhelming...

He is my Master, my lover, my best friend my everything.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:22:28 PM   
Roselaure


Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist


It’s just sex.  It’s no more work than cleaning a kitchen.  . 




God knows I'd rather have sex than clean the kitchen.  If you're really talented you can do both simultaneously.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:22:35 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		"When I moved into her house, I showed her my "trunk o'funk", and she said that she wasn't interested in using the insertables because they had already been used.  (I did clean them after use, they weren't dirty or anything, she just knew that they had been used before)  I figured, fine, we'd go and get new ones."

Why would you even entertain the idea that she'd want used toys to play with? Sounds like divorce would be the best thing for both of you as you didn't really get to know one another.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:25:43 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		RS,
what I find hard to do is to describe how much I disagree with you..... and how much I agree with you. It would be easy if it were a matter of splitting it into the differant parts - I disagree with A, agree with B. The problem is, the things I disagree with you on and the things I agree with you on, are the same things, basicly.

When you are married, you have sex with your spouse, as you said, just like you clean the kitchen. You don't always have to 'feel like it'. It really can be just for them.

OTOH, if your spouse quits cleaning the kitchen, you don't just divorce them, you try to figure out why? (angry? feeling unappreciated? depressed? sick? what?)

When certain things can make it almost predictable that she will cease cleaning - for instance, you didn't really talk about housekeeping expectations before you married, and it turns out she expected you to keep employing the maid you had before you married her; or, perhaps, you are unemployed while she works 36 hours every weekend while attending class for 40 actual clock hours a week and then must find time for homework, in hopes of advancing herself to a level where she can support your pornophobic ass (a good description of my second marriage. btw - pornophobic - fear of work.) - whatever - then maybe some real work on both sides is warrented.

Whatever, you probably don't divorce someone over housekeeping. But, it probably IS a sign of other, deeper problems and will probably end in divorce if you can't settle them.

But, I agree that sex does not have to be something you always WANT to do. I said as much to my boisis (a fundementalist christain who believes that her husband should be obeyed, just, maybe not, as obeyed as i obey, lol) when i mentioned that we do have sex every morning, at the minimum, it is part of our morning routine. She said, 'Every morning? what if you don't feel like it?' and i said, 'I don't know. What do you do if you don't feel like cooking breakfast?'

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to wulfgarw)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:27:45 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw

quote:

ORIGINAL: giveeverything

quote:

ORIGINAL: wulfgarw


But that's the beginning.  She's already got a lawyer and judge (man hating Uber-feminists btw) lined up for the divorce to take everything, the bank accounts, the $50K SUV she 'must' have, the house, and even the dog, all before the wedding.  She alienates you from your friends.  Then she tries to burn the house down for the fire insurance.

  I vote that misogyny is bad... but... that's just me.


Please don't  misunderstand me.  I'm not misgynonistic, and my deepest apologies if I come across that way. I like women. I would like to be with one if I can ever find one that'll have me.  I am simply relating in that every case that I know, marriage always creates more problems than it solves.  Every instance I listed above has happened to my father or my best friends at one time or another.  And hence the statement. 



Ah…so that fact that I was so ‘over’ my ex that I handed him 100k for his equity in the Manhattan apartment, told him he could take his retirement plan, the car, fancy kitchen items, and whatever else.  Did it with out a lawyer of my own (though, yes, I did have legal advice from one of the best) etc just to get him out of my life forever and never have to see, deal, hear from him again…oh wait…I did keep bout 70% of the furniture and the cat…yeah…I am a raging c***.


_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


(in reply to wulfgarw)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:33:11 PM   
UmbraDomina


Posts: 491
Joined: 7/22/2008
From: SE Michigan
Status: offline 		damn........ I guess I suck at the unhappy marriage thing...... I am happily married, love my hubbypet, he is my slave, my best friend, my partner, my lover (when he is lucky...lol) we base our releationship on communication, trust, and growth.
It sounds like the OP needs to sit down and actually talk to his wife, not just about sex but about alot of things. some proff. help might help, other wise a lawyer.

_____________________________

Alexandra ~

~~ And I will show you something different from either your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust..... T.S. Elliot ~~

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:40:40 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		So, I guess the $64,000 question is what are you doing to make it a happy marriage?

It's been my experience that it takes two people to make a relationship fail....and you're laying the blame entirely on her.

Real life happens, it's all in how you deal with it.

You're on a website asking strangers for advice when you should be talking to your wife.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/23/2008 7:41:14 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to UmbraDomina)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 7:40:45 PM   
LadyLupineNYC


Posts: 618
Joined: 12/14/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		Seriously, the divorce was awful and bitter but I never once regretted being married to him (just who he had become, or rather not become) and would consider marring again.  I get that it is not for everyone (and clearly not the OP based on what he I presenting to us); but to not only lump the whole institution but ALSO a whole gender...that is just stepping over the line.

_____________________________

Facta, non verba gratia placenti

"I have been looking for a way to serve the community that incorporates my violence..."


(in reply to UmbraDomina)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 8:37:28 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen
Sending flowers does not equal getting sex.  I heard an excellent suggestion on the podshow Sex Is Fun for dealing with a partner with a lower libido.  Stop talking about sex completely or making any overt sexual touches until the person comes to you.  If you touch her, do something like squeeze her shoulder, rub her back gently, give a platonic hug.  Others have tried this and found that soon their partner is craving them.  It may take a week or more, but enjoy the other things about her in between.


I donno... I tried that and got tired of waiting after six months. I don't think the boy even has that much patience!


_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 8:58:59 PM   
ericpup


Posts: 72
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your replies.  I'd like to take the time to address some here, so you all don't think I just dropped this and then disappeared.  One poster stated that it appears that I'm attempting to rationalize an affair.  Not really.  I'm trying to avoid having an affair.  I am asking strangers for advice because, believe it or not, none of my friends would understand this except one, and since I'm attracted to her, I can't ask her.  I don't want to rely on her advice because, well, I'm attracted to her, and that may cloud my judgement.

I admit, freely, that I am not even close to perfect.  When we first got together and moved in together, I wound up becoming the victim of "learned helplessness."  Once we lived together, I wasn't able to vacuum, dust, do dishes, or even touch the laundry machines.  It seemed like everything I did was done the wrong way, and soon, I was just told that she would do it all.  I didn't like that, but every time I did do something, I was told that it should have been done this way, or that way, or not done at all.  The simplest things, like using a napkin compared to a paper towel to clean up messes.  I dealt with these issues because I understood that she was set in her ways.  (Her words, not mine)  When I folded her clothes, I was told that I did that wrong.  Hell, when I folded my clothes, I was told that I did it wrong. 

I allowed that to happen.  Worse, I embraced it, because I felt like I didn't have to do anything around the house.  Then, I guess she had enough.  Which is cool, because I feel like stuff should be done equally in a relationship.  But when I still do stuff, I'm chastised because it's not the way she would have done it.  I feel helpless.

I have asked her, bluntly, if she is either a lesbian, or bi-sexual, and she has denied both.  I do sometimes wonder if she's asexual, and if sex is seen as a chore for her.  If so, then obviously we need professional help, because I sure ain't.  I have, again, asked complete strangers for advice because I have no one else to ask.  My family is not close, either physically or emotionally.  My friends don't understand my lifestyle, and I don't feel comfortable asking them how they deal with their sex lives.  The annonymous nature of the internet allows me to ask people, who more or less understand my lifestyle, what they think in this situation.  If I take the advice I'm given or not is completely up to me.  Some points raised here are things I didn't think of , and will attempt to address. 

I just don't know how to address it.  I like the idea of a counselor because of the "safe space" and the idea of having someone to arbitrate for us. 

Really, I don't want to just come out and say, "Hey, I'm not happy either sexually or in any other way," but I'm frustrated to the point where that is about to happen.  And I know that for me to do that would make me more of an asshole then I already am, and I'm trying not to do that. 

BTW, when it came to the flowers/sex thing, I wasn't saying to her, "We need to have sex before these die." I just happened to notice that we didn't do so between the time she got them and they died. 

I'm sorry for the long rant.

< Message edited by ericpup -- 9/23/2008 9:00:47 PM >

(in reply to LadyLupineNYC)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 9:29:16 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup

The annonymous nature of the internet allows me to ask people, who more or less understand my lifestyle



Something suggests to me that not even a litre of Smirnoff or Stolichnaya would help me understand your lifestyle.

Oh don't get me wrong, please.. I'm a transgendered female, but back in 1996 when I wasn't so sure and still doing the man thing I jumped into a marriage in Warsaw with a woman who wasn't kinky, who didn't speak English and who turned out to be an alcoholic. A year and a half later it was me who turned round and had to say to her 'I'm sorry honey, but I really need to be a woman'.

I guess not even a litre of Stolichnaya or Smirnoff would help you understand my headspace then either.

Okay so we're coming up for a hundred posts and about two dozen other people have posted to you.

Whichever way you look at it you've both made a real dog's dinner of the marriage. So what now?

What are you DOING?

This doesn't mean 'talking about', it doesn't mean 'considering', it doesn't mean 'explaining', it doesn't mean 'thinking about'... I'm talking about actions here, steps you are taking - what are you DOING?

I'm talking about living in the here and now, the present, seeing the problems for what they are, really are, and without looking for excuses, living in the past or trying to apportion any blame, what decisions have you taken and what steps have you taken to execute those decisions?

Have you arranged counselling? What course of action have you decided on? What course of action do you want to decide on? What is preventing you executing those decisions?


_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 9:30:27 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Trying to avoid having an affair? Dude... you both were with other people when you met and snuck around.  Avoid a repeat of lack of charactor with the one who cheated on her husband and doesn't like sex with you and you expect us to believe you are trying to avoid something?  The only thing I see you avoiding is common sense, accountablity and taking seriously a healthy answer to the problem you got yourself into.  Rather than cry about it all here... why not pull your head out of where you have it stuck and grow some balls.  Man up... yes... I said it.. crude, harsh and  just another woman trying to say... be a friggin man and accept that you did this to yourself and it is time to pay the piper. 

Selfishness is at the core of all of this. Taking what you wanted when attached to others who had no choice in what you did... marrying when there were clear signs not to and now bitching about it and crying the blues isn't something I would consider as doing one damn thing to change anything. 

Poor helpless man... so sad... so misunderstood... god you are classic!  Get off the computer... go do something to fix it or stop the so sad, poor me.  You are not helpless.  This situation should say one thing to you... it is time to change.

(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me - 9/23/2008 9:30:46 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ericpup
I have, again, asked complete strangers for advice because I have no one else to ask.  My family is not close, either physically or emotionally.  My friends don't understand my lifestyle, and I don't feel comfortable asking them how they deal with their sex lives.  The annonymous nature of the internet allows me to ask people, who more or less understand my lifestyle, what they think in this situation.  If I take the advice I'm given or not is completely up to me.  Some points raised here are things I didn't think of , and will attempt to address. 


I understand completely. C O M P L E T E L Y. All I can say, as someone who's been told on more than one occasion to "walk away" is... walk away. You've only got a year into the relationship, get a lawyer, get your sorry ass set free. You may end up spending the rest of your days alone or saving up to pay for domination, but at least you won't be spending them resentful of the person you're supposed to love.


quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
Something suggests to me that not even a litre of Smirnoff or Stolichnaya would help me understand your lifestyle.


Ugh... all that time in Poland and you drink that Russky paint thinner?

< Message edited by OneMoreWaste -- 9/23/2008 9:34:39 PM >

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to ericpup)
Profile   Post #: 100
Page:   <<   < prev  3 4 [5] 6 7   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Not-so-happy Anniversary to me Page: <<   < prev  3 4 [5] 6 7   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125