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How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:15:18 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Here is a topic from a different thread moved here instead due to the preference of the OP of that thread.

The question is what is needed to keep alive the D/s dynamic when life seems to become too vanilla.

I think the answer is similar to how one might keep romance alive in a vanilla relationship; it's through regularly practicing expressions of D/s that continue to pump oxygen to keep things lit and help each feel the role.

Please share your insights. I would love to hear from someone who had this situation occur and successfully navigated out of it.

Cheers,

Sea
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:23:18 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think it is a fairly regular occurrence and like everything there are highs and lows, depending on mood, work stress, all that.

The trick is to keep reminding yourself and the other what initially attracted you and play on those factors, get the thigh high boots out on occasion and all that, for some odd reason they always work.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:38:23 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I must admit, this is something I'd feel slightly edgy about right from the start.  I see nothing wrong in both spontaneous injection of what you might call "D/s romantic gestures" (e.g. hold the roses, buy a new whip instead) and a formal laying out of rituals. A bridge I've yet to cross, but I want to be prepared for it. 

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:43:57 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		It started happening (getting too vanilla) and we took a break for a few months. When we got back together we vowed to keep it fresh by going to the dungeon together more often. I had a membership where I could bring him once a month. Now he has his own membership and can go more regularly.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/14/2008 3:44:24 PM >

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:51:28 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		A dungeon would do it, LL - it's so big and obvious a D/s thing.  Anyone would be absolutely reminded of what sort of relationship he/she is in if that were to be, say, a monthly event.

[However, unfortunately, I can't expand on that because my mind's now completely distracted by your tagline:

"I give good thread. (me)"  Excellent.  LOL!]



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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 3:59:00 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

A dungeon would do it, LL - it's so big and obvious a D/s thing.  Anyone would be absolutely reminded of what sort of relationship he/she is in if that were to be, say, a monthly event.

[However, unfortunately, I can't expand on that because my mind's now completely distracted by your tagline:

"I give good thread. (me)"  Excellent.  LOL!]




Very proud of the threads I started. The I love it when and I hate it when threads. Well, I'm the OP.


< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/14/2008 4:00:12 PM >

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:11:44 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Here is one example I will share which is relevant.

I had a relationship for about 2-3 years with a female couple who lived in Dallas. Because of our sexual orientations, the relationship was meant to be based on a formal D/s dynamic only but grew to one that became more relaxed and based on friendship. Over time the relationship began to feel more like vanilla friendship than a D/s relationship. Time, distance, and other pursuits--it was a non-exclusive relationship-- had caused our D/s dynamic to ligthen and I did not really feel as submissive to them as I did at the beginning. At times we felt more like friends than D/s partners.

I recall one day while in a vanilla headspace, I was asked to clean the house. At the moment, it felt little different than cleaning for a friend. I was simply going through the motions to be nice and helpful and did not feel the D/s charge that I usually do. My mind began to wander about things on my to-do list that awaited me at home (vanilla worries).

Then something occurred that helped me feel like her submissive. All it took was a little dominant body language and speech (an expression of dominance) that helped me transition from feeling like her vanilla friend who was helping her clean her place to a submissive who was cleaning for her. My mind began to buzz with feelings of submission. My words and tone changed. And we both created this D/s energy that we could mutually feel.

It is possible for a D/s relationship to reduce to one in name only. In order to feel dominant and submissive rather than simply saying it, these roles have to be somehow expressed. I think expressing these roles through little and big things helps keep the dynamic alive. And I think this expression has to come from both partners.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:17:01 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		All it took was a little dominant body language and speech (an expression of dominance) that helped me transition from feeling like her vanilla friend who was helping her clean her place to a submissive who was cleaning for her. My mind began to buzz with feelings of submission.

Yes!  I'm convinced that the same would work for me.  But it takes two to tango, as you imply.  She'd have to get into the mode for me to be able to be there too.

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:21:43 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
The trick is to keep reminding yourself and the other what initially attracted you and play on those factors, get the thigh high boots out on occasion and all that, for some odd reason they always work.


Thank you for your post. I agree. To give an analogy for a vanilla relationship, it's like that evening with a candlelit dinner. You know, Barry White in the background and all that jazz (even though his music is not jazz) ;-)

A broader D/s relationship is based on attraction as a D/s couple and as simply a couple. So I think reminders to address both types of attraction would help. Do you have suggestions for what can a submissive do towards expressions or reminders of the D/s dynamic?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:30:32 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		if it is a D/s love relationship it's easy, then vanilla with a twist, getting her the roses with the thorns and a wink, massaging her feet, shining her shoes, carrying her shopping but always with a twinkle in your eyes, doing the "well mannered" stuff like opening doors and pulling out chairs and whispering "Mistress" or something of that order....

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:32:00 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Yes!  I'm convinced that the same would work for me.  But it takes two to tango, as you imply.  She'd have to get into the mode for me to be able to be there too.


You tell me that now after I've done the washing up? SHAME ON YOU! I could have dominantly sneezed on you!


_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to PeonForHer)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:35:33 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
The trick is to keep reminding yourself and the other what initially attracted you and play on those factors, get the thigh high boots out on occasion and all that, for some odd reason they always work.


Thank you for your post. I agree. To give an analogy for a vanilla relationship, it's like that evening with a candlelit dinner. You know, Barry White in the background and all that jazz (even though his music is not jazz) ;-)

A broader D/s relationship is based on attraction as a D/s couple and as simply a couple. So I think reminders to address both types of attraction would help. Do you have suggestions for what can a submissive do towards expressions or reminders of the D/s dynamic?

Cheers,

Sea


I towel Warden off after a shower. make sure i get every nook and Cranny. being on ones knees makes one feel more submissive. sometimes a kiss on the top of the feet.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:44:55 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
I see nothing wrong in both spontaneous injection of what you might call "D/s romantic gestures" (e.g. hold the roses, buy a new whip instead) and a formal laying out of rituals.


I think each spontaneity and rituals have their value.

In other threads I have used the word ritual broadly in a figurative or poetic sense to represent any expression of D/s, whether it is regularly scheduled or not. I am reflecting on whether I need to find a better word to avoid confusion using it as such tends to create.

Even using the term in its literal sense, I think rituals can be broadly defined. Doing something on an anniversary can be a ritual. There is room to vary what occurs each time. Bringing someone coffee each morning is a ritual. Helping to put on or remove shoes could be a ritual. Getting the car door for someone each time could be a ritual. Ritual can be an activity or a relationship expression that is repeated. A ritual is most effective when it is meaningful to those practicing it, and helps them express what they wish to express (affection, dominance, submission, etc).

In the other thread I used kissing as an example. Kissing is a relationship expression that is done again and again. That it is done again and again does not remove its value. Sure, variety in how it is done adds to it even more. Similarly, meaningful D/s expressions do not become without value because they have been done before. Sure, variety in how a given expression is done adds to it even more.

I completely see the value of spontaneity, creativity, and novelty and consider them to be very important for my long-term relationship. Still, I see the value of rituals and do not see the two to be mutually exclusive.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:48:09 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
if it is a D/s love relationship it's easy, then vanilla with a twist, getting her the roses with the thorns and a wink, massaging her feet, shining her shoes, carrying her shopping but always with a twinkle in your eyes, doing the "well mannered" stuff like opening doors and pulling out chairs and whispering "Mistress" or something of that order....

Excellent suggestions all Lady C. However, your later idea of sneezing on me doesn't, somehow, give me quite the thrill that it maybe should.  Perhaps that's because I'm not a German national, though.

_____________________________

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:48:13 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
When we got back together we vowed to keep it fresh by going to the dungeon together more often.


You bring up a good point. Going to the dungeon or participating in a BDSM event together could be like going out for dinner and dancing ;-) At these events, one is likely to be in the headspace of their role at one point or another.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:51:55 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
But it takes two to tango, as you imply.


From my experience, it takes at least two to Tango--three or four has been fun as well ;-)

To get the most out of this analogy, I suppose one could put on Tango music and go through the steps of tango with their hands held as if dancing with an imaginary partner. But I expect one would not be able to do it very long.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:52:25 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

However, your later idea of sneezing on me doesn't, somehow, give me quite the thrill that it maybe should.  Perhaps that's because I'm not a German national, though.


Oh you disgusting perv, you are telling me now that you don't have a flu fetish? I am shocked! Absolutely SHOCKED

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 4:57:46 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
getting her the roses with the thorns and a wink
<snip>
carrying her shopping but always with a twinkle in your eyes


Yes, the energy with which the gesture is delivered makes a tremendous difference. And there is indeed a way to D/s flirt ;-)

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 5:00:46 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		From my experience, it takes at least two to Tango--three or four has been fun as well ;-)

You lucky devil!  You get to do threesome/foursome tangos and all I get to enjoy is a solo five knuckle shuffle.

_____________________________

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RE: How to Keep the D/s Dynamic Alive - 11/14/2008 5:02:47 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
I towel Warden off after a shower. make sure i get every nook and Cranny. being on ones knees makes one feel more submissive. sometimes a kiss on the top of the feet.


Those are excellent examples. Acts of service and physical posturing are two effective ways to express D/s. For me, sitting on the floor by feet is a common one. I find that my response to attentive service (toweling) versus servitude service finds greater basis in the different parts of me (romantic part, spiritual part, masochistic part) and I can more easily be set on autocruise as long as the chemistry or feeling is in place. Gosh, that was a mouthful to say.

Cheers,

Sea

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