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RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 1:29:31 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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We're 24/7 and that means 24/7. When I moved in with him a couple of months ago, I moved in as his submissive. We had some ground rules, and though they were few, they set the tone for our evolving relationship. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I do it as his submissive and if something happens where I need to make a decision, I get his opinion before making that decision. Thus far, because he's available pretty much all the time, I haven't been in a position where I had to make a decision without his input and I don't do much without his ok.

Work is the only thing that could potentially interfere with this but, thus far, it hasn't. Its a union job, so everything's laid out pretty clear in advance. Once, I was asked to stay a few minutes late at work to do something, and I called him to make sure it was ok. I have no problem with telling my supervisor that I have to clear something with him before I can give an answer. Another time, I was asked to go in on my day off for a training and I told them to assume I would be there but had to talk to him first. He knows it in his best interests for me to work, and he knows what it takes to keep a job, so he doesn't interfere. And, I know how to maintain appropriate boundaries between my work life and my private life so it doesn't become a problem.

In general, If I'm not sure about something, I'll defer making the decision until I am sure. Since he can be reached pretty much all the time by phone, there's no reason for me to act on my own.

So, we're 100% D/s all the time. When we "do vanilla" we do it within the framework of our D/s dynamic.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

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Post #: 41

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 1:38:43 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

This is my perception.
D/s can be vanilla. Vanilla means not BDSM. Lots of people who have never heard of BDSM practice D/s in their relationship.
I am much more fulfilled in a relationship if I have the authority. Don't much care for them if I don't.
BDSM which to me means Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism is my sexuality.
So I am most satisfied when I am in a D/s sexual relationship which includes BDSM.
So D/s is 24/7. BDSM is when we can. When we need to. When it becomes a priority. Work or family needs usually come first. I did say needs not wants.
Training prevents micromanagement of a sub. I don't have the time or the inclination to micromanage. If he can't learn the basics of life and to anticipate my needs quickly then I'm going to get extremely fed up with him.

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 42

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 2:25:08 PM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
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Thank you for your perception Lateralist
It has helped me see clearer.

oceanwynds

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 43

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 2:49:48 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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This is a really impossible question to answer. I have just returned from the grocery store. You could say that that hour was entirely vanilla but it isn't true. I asked him only twice if he had a preference, did he want sandwich bread or rolls and if he wanted a certain ice cream. Neither time did he choose to make a decision, not really caring.

However at the same time when I got broccoli I kept in mind that he does eat broccoli. I didn't buy peas because he doesn't eat them. I didn't buy a quiche or makings for one because he doesn't like it. So was this an entirely vanilla hour or was it undershot with a D/s current? I made choices based on his taste. I didn't buy strawberry ice cream, one of my favorites, because he doesn't like it.

Does only the time spent picking ice cream count as D/s during this trip or did the whole thing? He always has the right to make a decision, he doesn't always choose to do so.

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Post #: 44

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 2:52:41 PM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
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quote:

I have just returned from the grocery store. You could say that that hour was entirely vanilla but it isn't true

perhaps if you had bought vanilla

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 3:22:23 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

I think when you're (me) in a D/s relationship, it's 100% of the time no matter the task at hand. Whether that is grocery shopping, cleaning house or doing laundry. Not that I would feel I would have to ask to do the laundry, it would simply be me doing my part in the relationship. We all have normal everyday living to do, but that doesn't take away from the D/s dynamic. Otherwise to me, it would be like turning a faucet on and off.

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 46

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/26/2009 5:12:20 PM

StrictnSaucy

Posts: 363
Joined: 1/6/2005
Status: offline

I have given this some thought. My inital reaction to the question was like some of the others - we are just a combination of D/s / vanilla and it would be hard to draw lines or make distinctions.

After giving it thought here is my answer: we are 80% vanilla and 20% D/s

And here is the reasoning behind my thoughts.

We always look out for each other. He always places my interests above his own (which I limit because I believe in shared pleasure and fairness). When he goes out to buy groceries he will always choose things that I like. He treats me regularly to things I love - bunch of flowers, special foodie treat, a CD or book I would love, a trip to some place I want to visit and the list goes on. Now he does these things in a submissive frame of mind some of the time. Other times hes just being thoughtful and loving.

So if you took away the D/s part of our relationship we would act like that in any relationship. Loving, thoughtful and kind.

And thats where the 20% bit comes in. It is what truely differs our relationship to our vanilla friends relationships. While they are also in very loving relationships we push bounderies, share everything, our souls are naked with each other. To get to that level of togetherness we have to take time out for ourselves. Close our selves off (from our regular schedule) for a day(s) or couple of hours and just BE. It is a different level of intimacy. The 20% is the space where we can be 100% true to ourselves. Not diluted.

Or the 20% is the addition to this relationship that I never experienced with others (others being play partners or nilla partners)

Apologies for the ramble - its late here and I really wanted to address this. If I left it till tomorrow I probably wouldnt get round to answering. (and just to clarify, as most of you dont know our dynamic we are in a long term, live in relationship).

(in reply to kallisto)

Post #: 47

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 5:03:51 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry

Serious thought before answering huh...

Okkkkkkkk...

I just beat em, use em and push em out the door...

I like my quiet...time...99.9% of the time...

Duh...

TC

How long is the line outside your door?

CP

(in reply to ThundersCry)

Post #: 48

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 5:06:30 AM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

There isn't any rule for that, nor is there statistical evidence. You're asking one of those "whatever floats your boat" questions.

antipode,

Rules? Well I agree with that, but there are differences when in a relationship.

CP

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 49

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 5:10:22 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

Honestly, I don't break it down into "this thing is Keeper/servant" and "this thing is 'vanilla'". Life is just life. Any time I'm in a long-term relationship with someone whether I am equal companion, or I am Keeper to their servant/acolyte, we -live-. The perfusion of all the things we are (keeper, acolyte, servant, lover, priest, supplicant) fill our lives and there really isn't a lot of definition.

In fact, some of the things that are fetish-oriented for me (like the body modification stuff) are done more often among people who aren't involved in the BDSM community -- but for me, this is a very fetish-oriented and transmutative activity. The other person's headspace doesn't change -my- immersion into my own Keeper/Priest headspace when I am doing bodywork on someone.

I think the other thing that affects my perceptions on this (and also relates to another thread on how we perceive people) is that my being is constantly entwined not -only- in WIITWD in the BDSM community, but also in a philosophical/spiritual existence, as well as the common world, the artist/writer's world, alternative healing world, and the world of the counselor/confessor. For me, pulling these things apart wouldn't clarify anything... instead, it would fragment what, right now, is a well integrated and lusciously complex existence.

Calla,

Upon reflection thou, it appears at tho you simply have a high, much higher than normal life content with D/s.

CP

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 50

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 5:13:17 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
LA,

That is why I suggested some real comtemplation on the subject. We all have the mix whether we want to recognize it or not. So many newcomers into D/s just get the idea that it is all D/s and that leadss to false expectancies.

CP

But it is all Ds.

And it's all vanilla.

It's all ME.

LA,

Ok time for me to send over an irish fairy to sit on your shoulder with a note pad for a week. I will let you know!

CP

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 51

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 5:21:58 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
but i believe there is always a separation; when you both go shaopping at the food market, is the D/s dynamic alive during that time? Surely a couple cannot maintain !00% D/s dynamic?? or perhaps so...........

CP

The fact that he has the authority within our relationship is always there. There is no time in our lives that his authority over Alandra and I does not exist, even when Alandra goes grocery shopping. That she is the one who goes shopping, when she goes shopping, where she shops, how long she takes is a reflection of decisions that he has made. She and I do not spend money without express permission from him, so any shopping is done because he allows it.

From that perspective there is no vanilla part of our lives. However, we do a lot of things that makes it appear that we are just like any other mainstream couple except that there are three of us. Kinky sex and play is only a small aspect of the things that we enjoy doing.

Knight's Kyra

kyra,

I read your profile to better understand your position. Certainly a family senario will lend itself to what you perceive as a total D/s life.

I agree.

CP

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 52

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 7:06:49 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
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"How much of the relationship is devoted to vanilla as a percentage of the total time between the parties?"
I have been thinking about this in terms of what counts as nilla and what doesn't and what counts as D/s and what doesn't. I find myself wondering where the question comes from. For example, if the s had their clothes chosen for them (as in the whole wardrobe gone through and all things not approved thrown out), has some sort of body marking (piercing, scar, brand) on their body, hair cut into style chosen by their M/D, and going out to do a chore or work that has been mandated by that M/D, then how can it be nilla?

On the other hand, so what about all that "fluff", they are going into the shared nilla world and are in a nilla mind set, or at least not in subspace (cuz face it, no one is safe to drive when they are flying on anything) and are preforming nilla tasks so how can there be any d/s in it?

Is the defining aspect how THEY feel about it or about themselves? Is the defining aspect the activity being done? Is it the context of the activity and thought? Washing dishes in a nilla activity right? But what if they FEEL that it is an act of submission? What if they are repeating some sort of praise of their M/D the whole time and the dishes are incidental to the mantra? What if they are doing the dishes in cuffs, or naked with a feather duster up their ass?

Where is the line between the internal reality and the external, contextual reality when drawing a line between "kink time" and "nilla kink"?

_____________________________

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(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 53

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 7:09:20 AM

alittleevil

Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
....snip...
How much of the relationship is devoted to vanilla as a percentage of the total time between the parties?
I personally know of no relationship that is based upon D/s that does not also entertwine vanilla, so my curious nature that tends to quantify many things pondered the question.
Any thoughts?
CP

quote:

but i believe there is always a separation; when you both go shaopping at the food market, is the D/s dynamic alive during that time? Surely a couple cannot maintain !00% D/s dynamic?? or perhaps so...........

Hello Celtic Prince,

Master maintains a 100% D/s dynamic.
Yes, we sleep, eat meals, pay bills, go to movies, have friends over, play cards together--all normal life stuff. But at no time am i a "free agent". A someone said, quite succinctly: he's in charge, i obey. That never changes, no matter we might be doing.
I'm sitting here, reading and typing, enjoying my coffee, a pretty "vanilla" activity, but only because there is nothing else that Master wishes done at this moment. The second he says "Come here!", i'm there. This activity is at his sufferance. The food we eat, the things we do, the way the house is managed, etc etc, are all his prerogative. As far as shopping, he makes the menu, determines the budget and, more often than not, goes shopping with me so he can make decisions or changes as is needed or as he wants. He occasionally asks my opinion/preferences and sometimes he even bases his decisions on them--but that's a merely a nicety on his part.

Best,
aj

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 54

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 7:19:33 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

That is like asking how much time do I spend enjoing my kids and how much time I spend loving my kids. It's a simple answer we as a couple are in the dynamic all the time. I have the authority to say yes or no in any given situation. Just like I had with my kids when they were younger. It's not a switch that gets turned off and on.

How much time does your boss spend being your boss???? Nothing serious about that question either.

BadOne

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 55

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 9:22:34 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...All male, all female switch etc; How much of the relationship is devoted to vanilla as a percentage of the total time between the parties?...

the dynamic of our relationship is always Master/slave.

we didn't devote any time to pursuing a "vanilla" relationship with each other.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 56

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 9:27:50 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Both are always together..vanilla and bdsm. I don't have a vanilla mode or a bdsm mode I switch on.
(on the other side we don't have bdsm supermarkets...so I guess..that is vanilla mode then..lol)
No seriously...I am just a person....living his live not changing behaviour in what he does.

No JustDarkness?

Don't they have those kind of Supermarkets near You?

And You do live in that Kinky The Netherlands,

gosh.. amazing.

We live in a Vanilla world, so how on earth

can people say that they don't have a vanilla life.

Do they live in a fantasy? Or what.

I raise My son which is pretty vanilla,

Paying taxes, farting, cooking, vacuming,

It's simply stuff of life, I dunno how to do My windows

in a Bdsm way...

It's all between the ears !

And in fantasys.

That's My

GoddezzT`

_____________________________

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(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 57

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 9:46:20 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

We live in a Vanilla world, so how on earth can people say that they don't have a vanilla life.

this slave doesn't live in a vanilla/conventional/traditional world, so therefore doesn't have a vanilla/conventional/traditional life.

she lives in THE world and has A life, where she has decided to NOT enter into and participate in relationships the conventional(vanilla) way and instead forge a non-traditional Master/slave relationship with another.

it is not just a fantasy, for us.

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)

Post #: 58

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 10:09:29 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

the above from GoddessTeaze rings truth. W/we exist in the vanilla world/society and interact with vanilla people literally 100% of the time (work, school, family, etc). O/our personal/private life can have bdsm or D/s undertones, over currents or whatever 100% of the time as well. when I deal with P/people in the lifestyle it is just that--I am who I am; equally (w/ my dominant demeanor) when I deal with people in vanilla or family members it is what it is. yet, the Woman I am is not cloaked or like a hat I take off and on as I live and exist in my life.

I say the two are twisted together in a nice little mix...even if many of U/us don't see it as such.

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

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Post #: 59

RE: The ratio tween D/s & vanilla? - 1/27/2009 10:11:15 AM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

...How much of the relationship is devoted to vanilla as a percentage of the total time between the parties?...

As I view it, our relationship is D/s and vanilla all swirled together with no specific schedule to dictate when it's time to be vanilla, and when its time to be domme/sub. I am submissive to her, but its not always displayed externally for everyone in the room to see. We just interact in the way that feels right for us, with her basically at the controls to throw a lever or flip a switch when she feels she wants or needs to. I don't know of a simpler way to explain it...

< Message edited by E2Sweet -- 1/27/2009 10:13:53 AM >

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E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

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Post #: 60

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