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different loves? - 5/17/2009 6:40:09 AM

hunnibunni09

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/19/2009
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im am just recently out of my very first D/s relation ship we split after almost 10months due to alot of misunderstandings i admitt mainly on my behalf    but the main problems were that i was madly head over heels in love he was too i and i have no doubt in my mind about that now.

but while in the relationship i just couldnt understand how he could love yet treat me and act the way he did   such as not allowing me somehwere, refusing permssion to do something, speak 2 me in a certain manner and left evreything such as chores and cooking to me never helped out once the fights would end where he demanded they end        we had disscussions and talked about this alot but he always had the same answer the basis of our relationship had never changed i was just caught up on the whole in love thing

the problem is the relationship was always like this from day go and i was happy with that untill a few months ago yet i still yern for it now, yet when i had it i couldnt

i guess the piont to my post is im curious has anybody ever gone thrugh this? does love change things? does a Master love his slave differently to how he could love a free woman?
is BDSM love diiferent to that of vannila?>

the way i can describe what it felt like is that my body and mind loved it but in the end my heart was hurting      yet the nature and generally nothing in the relationship had ever changed.

i would really appricate O/others views on this
thanks
hunnibunni xoxox

_____________________________

every woman needs that one man that can tame her heart,body and soul xoxo

Post #: 1

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 6:48:07 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

BDSM is actually about relationships. When you start up with another man, your experience will be different, as well as when he starts up with another woman.

The honeymoon period lasted about six months, and after that you realized you wanted something different. That's where the real work begins, or the relationship falls apart.

You've left out part of the equation. You did all the cooking and cleaning - was he doing something productive during that time, or just watching TV?

I've only heard your side, but based on that it sounds like he just enjoyed giving orders and being lazy while you worked. A Master will have that same control, but use it in a healthy way.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to hunnibunni09)

Post #: 2

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 6:56:15 AM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

Did your dominant show any appreciation for your efforts?

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:02:11 AM

hunnibunni09

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

DARKSTEVEN

well we both worked full time i would return an hour before he was due hoem and would start preparing whta he would have previously told me he had wanted for dinner while having to clear up from breakfast that morning and do other daily chores mop,sweep,clean etc etc but the ffact atht doesnt be due into work for 9am while i am in at 7am he had made no effort in clearing up and it ws there ofr me to tend before preparing the next meal. i was ok with this untill recntly it wasnt just that tho it was the whole picture,

_____________________________

every woman needs that one man that can tame her heart,body and soul xoxo

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:03:55 AM

hunnibunni09

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline

ATYPICALSUB

well yes in the beginning he did but eventually it stoppd i would joke about it and say he didnt notcie i was like part of the furniture etc he would just reply with stuff alo9ng the lines of your the salve its your job dnt be whinging

_____________________________

every woman needs that one man that can tame her heart,body and soul xoxo

(in reply to atypicalsub)

Post #: 5

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:09:26 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

Yes..there are many ways to love. All relationships take work.
Some want to be waited on hand and foot and don't do housework.
Clearly, all relationships require communication. There are many threads
about loving and for some M/D types they don't love their s-type.
Maybe someone will come along and post some links about loving or
you can do a general search or search the first five pages of the General BDSM
discussion board as I think lately this seems to be a question that is getting
talked/asked about with some frequency.
find

(in reply to hunnibunni09)

Post #: 6

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:37:23 AM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

Well, I may get a little flack for this, but if you go calling yourself a slave, you really don't have much right to complain when you are treated like a slave, now do you?

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(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 7

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:38:03 AM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

Loving, being in love with my Dom and being loved in return is icing on the cake for me. It wouldn't change the dynamics of our relationship. If I felt as though I were being mistreated then communications are in order. Same as if He felt I was not keeping up my end of the relationship.

I agree with DarkSteven in that once the honeymoon period is over with, that's where the work of keeping the relationship going comes into play or it will fall apart. Honeymooning and living 24/7 are 2 different things.

Communication that results in issues being recognized and steps taken in the right direction are what keep mole hills from becoming mountains.

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 8

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:54:24 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

It seems as though you felt unappreciated, from your post. I probably would do too in those circumstances.

I'm refused permission to do things.......I'm not *allowed* to go certain places...discussions end when HE says so.....and I'm perfectly content. The part that might have caused you to feel badly is his motivation. He didn't seem concerned about you BOTH having contentment.

I'm used to the fact that when people care for each other they show MORE respect, MORE consideration and MORE thoughtfulness than they would if they didn't.

He may think that's the way to *show* or *be* dominant......That kind of situation may be what he sought in a slave........He may have just been an idle sod.....only you can fathom that out.

I'm not sure in what context love changes showing consideration and care, except that people tend to accept a lot of things while in the throws of being*in love*.......... then the blinkers tend to slip off, gradually, as DarkSteven said.

agirl

(in reply to hunnibunni09)

Post #: 9

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 7:56:07 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Well, I may get a little flack for this, but if you go calling yourself a slave, you really don't have much right to complain when you are treated like a slave, now do you?

For the most part, this too was my first thought.
However, what DarkSteven said here, is also very good advice

quote:

BDSM is actually about relationships

_____________________________

Allison

- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
Roger Miller

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 10

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:00:57 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

In my life those of greater significance to me could be compared to the absent-minded scientest, out discovering somethin. i am drawn to the mind first. In my life, them not sharing household chores was never expected. A cup of coffee being handed to me here and there, buying me a special treat etc. here and there spoke volumns for me. Sadness would come over me if they were feeling the need to chip in to help me, when their minds could be coming up with a new concept. In saying that, we are all different in what we view as love.

It is natural to skip the rose-glass dance be it for 6 months, and then the shades of grew pop through our rainbows, and smudge up our feelings, hopes and dreams. It also provides an opportunity to live reality then a fairy tale.

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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 11

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:04:05 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I am just curious why you think this is love and not simply passion?
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to hunnibunni09)

Post #: 12

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:06:10 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
Well, I may get a little flack for this, but if you go calling yourself a slave, you really don't have much right to complain when you are treated like a slave, now do you?

This is a valid point but I think people fall in love with the imagery and then find that the reality is an eye opener. I may get a little flack for this but most submissives I have known are ready to submit as long as it is on their own terms.

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 13

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:14:07 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
Well, I may get a little flack for this, but if you go calling yourself a slave, you really don't have much right to complain when you are treated like a slave, now do you?

This is a valid point but I think people fall in love with the imagery and then find that the reality is an eye opener. I may get a little flack for this but most submissives I have known are ready to submit as long as it is on their own terms.

Well, in choosing M, I chose my terms. The tricky bit is living with that knowledge .....grin

agirl

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 14

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:32:20 AM

tiinkerbell

Posts: 96
Status: offline

quote:

Well, in choosing M, I chose my terms. The tricky bit is living with that knowledge .....grin

agirl

I would have to agree with this lol.

_____________________________

Allison

- Some People walk in the rain; others just get wet -
Roger Miller

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 15

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:37:41 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I may get a little flack for this but most submissives I have known are ready to submit as long as it is on their own terms.

Really? And can't it also be said that most dominants are ready to dominate as long as it is on their own terms?

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 16

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 8:52:48 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

If in your negotiations with him prior to becoming his slave, if you both agreed that you were to do all the chores and cooking, then you have no room to complain. You knew before hand what you were getting into. If he just threw all this at you and said "your a slave" then yes you do have room to complain. The fact is that a healthy relationship has to be satisfying for both parties otherwise it is not going to work.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on, you can use this bit of knowledge in your negotiations with the next Dom.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to hunnibunni09)

Post #: 17

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 9:04:42 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

This is a valid point but I think people fall in love with the imagery and then find that the reality is an eye opener. I may get a little flack for this but most submissives I have known are ready to submit as long as it is on their own terms.

And what is the problem with having a submissive submit on their own terms? Um, isn't that why a submissive is supposed to submit? Because they've checked out the situation and it's the right one for them?

Doesn't everyone get to make the choice that is best for them? My impression is that everyone is in this for a reason, whatever your reason is you look for the situation where you will find what you seek and then you go for it. Then if as the OP pointed out things change for you along the way and it's no longer working, you leave the situation because it's no longer what you want. People come to these boards all the time with questions and the answers they receive mainly revolve around these things...be safe, find what you want, and if it's not what you want leave the situation.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 18

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 9:38:02 AM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

If in your negotiations with him prior to becoming his slave, if you both agreed that you were to do all the chores and cooking, then you have no room to complain. You knew before hand what you were getting into. If he just threw all this at you and said "your a slave" then yes you do have room to complain. The fact is that a healthy relationship has to be satisfying for both parties otherwise it is not going to work.

Just chalk it up to experience and move on, you can use this bit of knowledge in your negotiations with the next Dom.

~Lashra

100%

Just like when I got into this relationship with MasterK. I knew his terms and made the choice to go along with them, I cannot now complain about those things. If my feelings changed and I no longer agreed with his terms, my choices would be limited, stay or leave.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 19

RE: different loves? - 5/17/2009 10:17:07 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean he's a good person and not a selfish bastard.

Saying he didn't want you to go someplace because he knows you don't feel comfortable driving home in the dark, which I get, is a lot different then being told you can't go out to the movies with a girlfriend simply because he doesn't feel like cooking his own dinner for once in a month. Saying I'm fixing the ruts in the driveway while you do the laundry is a lot different then telling you to do it all and then complaining because you were too tired to want to play later on.

Next time pick someone who's decision making processes are rational and who is caring, not selfish.

Edit: if he is close to your age, then I would have expected this. Women get taught to share and cooperate, men get taught to compete. It takes them a while to learn that competition, while good in it's place, is not good in fostering a healthy relationship.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 5/17/2009 10:27:16 AM >

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)

Post #: 20

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