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RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:03:20 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

If you're not 'playing online' then what are you doing? Because you're not playing in real life are you?  I appreciate where you're coming from but I have to admit (and I'm sorry) I can't take online/long-distance people seriously.  It just doesn't make any sense and I can't see how it can be fulfilling at all.  I need all senses to be fulfilled not just hearing promises and seeing stuff on a screen.  But, each to their own I guess. Just wish online only people would use some kind of disclaimer when posting on forums so that the real life players know that they've never felt what it's like to submit and that their relationship is almost entirely in their head.
After reading several of the posts above yours and then seeing this line from you, it hit me once again how for some people...submission cannot take place without the physical presence of another.  I have been a dominant in real life to several partners.  3 of those were long-term and were conducted at least as much online and long-distance as they were in person.  Funny...they never had a problem yielding...submitting to me just because they were not physically in my presence.  Do I prefer to have my partner right in front of me?  You bet your sweet ass I do.  Can I feel dominance over someone without their being there?  You bet your sweet ass I can.  I am sorry that, for you at least, the only way to feel submission is when you are in the presence of another.  But please, just because you are limited in scope, do not make the mistake of thinking submission cannot take place without physical presence.

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:04:34 AM   
WarmlyVicious


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK


quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Oh Lordie...i just checked the op's profile. She is in a vanilla relationship and is seeking a D/s relationship with a married man, then goes on to say she expects to see him evenings and weekends. And she accuses others of being delusional?????

OP...let us know how that works for you!!!



Hah. I'm not looking anymore (must change that since I found someone!). It's pretty low to bring my profile into the discussion. What bearing does it have? But because I'm in an indulgent mood I will tell you that I have had relationships in the past with such people, married and single but always real-life. And also because of my own situation I deal with prejudice myself because I am not 24/7. I really don't care. Everyone has their opinion and if I am lower in the bdsm hierachy than full time subs then so be it. Like the online players, nothing will change, we're just exchanging opinions on things. I may be quite blunt in my way of speaking but that's just me. x



it matters in the fact that someone coming on here and saying 'unless you are 24/7 you dont know what you talking about and should have a disclamier'

if someone did that they would be as clueless, ignorant and openly offensive as you

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:04:42 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

My Master and I met on an online game nearly three years ago. It took another year until we were able to meet. I had previously had a trainwreck of a r/t M/s relationship, including what I now see as rape and emotional rape and usage. I had thought I would never kneel again and was really really trying to live vanilla.


You bring up a very good point, and that is that there is a huge risk to meeting in real time, no matter how safe you try to be. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to meet, but in the interim, the relationship in nurtured and developing.

I had my poor hubby waiting a long time until i agreed to meet him...not because i felt uncomfortable with him, but because of the horror stories i have heard. If we were introduced to each other, say in a social setting, i would have agreed to a date immediately.


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Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:09:23 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		This is in response to the OP. I read the original post but refrained from reading any of the others that followed.

I could give my standard answer and say 'that all that matters is what the people involved believe'. However, I think I will say a bit more this time.

I don't believe in LDR. When other people talk about them, or talk about 'service long distance without ever meeting face to face', I admit that I smirk and roll my eyes.

But that's because I have never been in one, nor have I ever been tempted to be in one. I willingly and readily admit that relationships such as those confuse me.

However; it does not matter what I think about them. It does not matter if I think that they are real or not. Because, quite simply; I am not the one in the relationship. I am not the one who is experiencing the feelings that those in the relationship are experiencing. I have no real knowledge of what is going through their minds, I have no real knowledge of the emotions that may be involved.

In other words; what I say or think about these kinds of relationships should not matter one bit to those involved in one. My thoughts and feelings about them should in no way influence someone who is thinking about starting one, has been in one, etc etc.

The only people who should be involved in the determination if this is real or not; is the people intimatly involved. The rest of us can take a flying leap

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to KateyCaine)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:15:10 AM   
innocentdarkness


Posts: 43
Joined: 10/13/2005
Status: offline 		A lot to read here in this thread, and I am going to be lazy and just skim through most of it right now, so forgive me if someone has already addressed this concept.  I want to make a comment here and now because I understand Katey and her Master's point of view, especially because I did the LDR thing for a while.  Sex and physical pain, humiliation, or whatever is not what D/s is all about, though it seems that's what many believe.  D/s is mental and emotional.  Long distance relationships have ONLY those aspects, and they are heightened because of the lack of physicality.  So to say an LDR is not a real relationship is pretty much just rubbish.  And if you think that BDSM (or any relationship) is all about sex, then maybe YOU'RE the only who's just playing.  You like kinky sex?  GREAT!  But don't come to people in this lifestyle and claim to be part of it when that is the whole of your relationship with a Dom/me or sub or slave.  You're just a person who likes it kinky.  That doesn't make you a Dom/me or sub or slave.  The most intense and meaningful part of any relationship is the emotional fulfillment you receive from being a part of it.

Katey, I wish you and your Master the best!


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(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:18:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK
Hah. I'm not looking anymore (must change that since I found someone!). It's pretty low to bring my profile into the discussion. What bearing does it have? But because I'm in an indulgent mood I will tell you that I have had relationships in the past with such people, married and single but always real-life. And also because of my own situation I deal with prejudice myself because I am not 24/7. I really don't care. Everyone has their opinion and if I am lower in the bdsm hierachy than full time subs then so be it. Like the online players, nothing will change, we're just exchanging opinions on things. I may be quite blunt in my way of speaking but that's just me. x

I don't particularly think that's the part that helped people form opinions.  I think that happened before the profile came into it.

What I'd like to do instead would be call up countless threads where many people on this site were in transition between online and being together.  Rain was good enough to mention that stage for herself and Lumus.  One of those lovely gals kneeling in front of KOM in his picture started that way, too.  Unless I'm mistaken, there are a few more right here on this thread.  That's along with scores, perhaps hundreds on this site who started out the very same way, and today are happily enjoying a kinky life.  Just because it started online, didn't make it turn out any less.

Since the profile thing did come into it, did you read the OP's?  No, they aren't currently together, but they are working their way towards it.  That can be difficult when people are in two separate countries.  There's a lot involved and if it would be all right with those names on this site who are also dealing with that, I would certainly point you in their direction so they could tell you just what all goes into it.

No, not everyone can do that and no it isn't for everyone.  That doesn't change the fact that there are plenty of people who made it work, even though they *just* started out in a different way.


_____________________________

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(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:20:13 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

Long distance relationships of any kind may be difficult.  If you can not meet the person you are with but are forced to rely on on letters, phone and the Internet many might find a central element of intimacy lacking. This is no less true for D/s relationships. Also you have the added factor that there are allot of players in this lifestyle, people just out for jerk off material, or husbands and wifes not getting a certain need filled and not willing to give up their relationship seek out a online or long distance relationship where they can get their daily dose of kink with little risk of their spouse discovering the affair.

That being said. I do think that long distance relationships can work, many of them are deep and meaningful, but I would say that the percentage of long distance, and especially online only relationships that are real and deep and rather low, however that do not mean that one should judge another person's relationship based just on it being online. While rare, some of them are real and meaningful and only the pepole in the relationship have the right to say if it is or is not real.

I wish you well


_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to KateyCaine)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:27:18 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		If you are always so blunt then you are used to being called out on it.

As for bringing your profile into the discussion, there is nothing "low" about it at all. It simply gives those reading your words a better idea of the person doing the typing. I think we've all (those of us reading what you've written) made an assessment of KaityK. Whether that is flattering or not, is on you, whether it is correct or not, chances are, yes and no.

As for your indulgent mood, trust me, none of us really care. You are the one defending your prejudice so defiantly.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:30:37 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		forums are usually a microcosm of everyday life. as much as many would choose not to acknowledge the fact that katey raised a point, albeit in a manner some found disconcerting, her view isn't one that is odd or unfounded. there are many lifestylers that will never become a part of collarme, fetlife, or the other bdsm oriented websites. oftentimes they share the same views she expounded and occasionally do so in a manner similar to hers. for them, the lifestyle is about living, not keystrokes and what have you.

in regard to the op's question, of course you're going to encounter prejudice. but you knew that before you posted and that's merely the outcome of soliciting an opinion. you will get those that are in accordance to yours and some that differ as well. for those that find value in relating in this way, enjoy it. with the knowledge that some will be opposed and see the relationship through a different guise. everyone has opinions and difference doesn't mean they're wrong or that you're right either. they're merely an expression of someones thoughts largely influenced by experiences and personal feelings.

i suppose the bigger is question is why the hell it matters at all what a stranger thinks about your relationship that you find so good and fulfilling? i could think of a million things to assign concern over but this really wouldn't be one of them.

porcelaine


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(in reply to innocentdarkness)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:39:00 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists




btw... I think anyone that hasn't been in relationship for at least 20 years is just role-playing it. Someone that has only been together a few years can't begin to appreciate what it means to be in a relationship of depth... There just role-playing at best ......... faking it at worst.


Yes...I've had one of those LTR's.
But give the old ones a chance.. I think we just have to get quicker at it the older we get.


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(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:42:20 AM   
vasha


Posts: 99
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline 		Katey,  youve Cmail

~vasha

(in reply to KateyCaine)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:44:30 AM   
KaityK


Posts: 36
Joined: 6/27/2009
Status: offline 		Bringing profiles into it IS low and unnecessary. You're looking for ways to discount my opinion and you think you've found one in my profile. That's fine. The truth is I get out there, meet people and do things and do my best to fulfill my kinkiness and needs in real life. My situation is different to many other peoples but I'm genuine in the fact that I need to be someones submissive, in real life, in person and with someone who can conduct a relationship with me. I haven't the time or patience for faffing about with webcams and such with a person I've never met. I would rather wait longer for someone who is right for me AND close enough to me that we can meet on a regular basis. 'Playing' isn't everything but for me, no, I admit, I couldn't have a relationship without it. Other people say they can, but I suspect there are reasons why they don't take it to real-time whether they admit them or not. Just MY opinion.

As for meeting online. lol Dont we all? I have met all my partners online and met them within a week (2 in ten years). I need to see, smell and touch a person before I know they are right for me. :)

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:52:06 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Quick Reply (Haven't read the posts following the OP)

I know that I no longer take long-distance/internet relationships seriously for myself.  That's because my life and my needs and my personal perspective changed.

Still, I will never underestimate the power of the mind, and how intensely one can feel things that others might construe and not genuine or real.  I've heard it said that the mind is the most powerful sex organ we have.  I believe it. 

For me, online was a safe escape.  My real world centered around an abusive husband and through role play I found escape and fulfillment in fantasy.  For me, it was a coping mechanism.  Before anyone becomes offended, please read on.  Through role play and fantasy, I stumbled upon a group of role players who also lived their BDSM experiences offline.  It fascinated me, and opened up an avenue for me that I never knew existed.  What I experienced offline/real time, was incredible.  I could go on, but the point I'm driving at is that when I was madly in love with the person I shared my fantasy world and long-distance relationship with online, felt real to me (I still adore him, by the way.)  As my confidence and needs evolved, online became less and less fulfilling FOR  ME!  I think that many who discount online and long-distance relationships are doing so from their own perspective and for them, long-distance is not fulfilling and never could be.

If it online/long-distance is real and fulfilling for YOU, then what does it matter?  If you live your life for yourself, and allow others to express their own beliefs from their own life experiences and perspectives, what difference does it make? 

The mind is a wondrous and powerful sex organ.  And I for one, am thrilled that it is!

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 7/11/2009 9:06:26 AM >

(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:53:03 AM   
WarmlyVicious


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

Bringing profiles into it IS low and unnecessary. You're looking for ways to discount my opinion and you think you've found one in my profile. That's fine. The truth is I get out there, meet people and do things and do my best to fulfill my kinkiness and needs in real life. My situation is different to many other peoples but I'm genuine in the fact that I need to be someones submissive, in real life, in person and with someone who can conduct a relationship with me. I haven't the time or patience for faffing about with webcams and such with a person I've never met. I would rather wait longer for someone who is right for me AND close enough to me that we can meet on a regular basis. 'Playing' isn't everything but for me, no, I admit, I couldn't have a relationship without it. Other people say they can, but I suspect there are reasons why they don't take it to real-time whether they admit them or not. Just MY opinion.

As for meeting online. lol Dont we all? I have met all my partners online and met them within a week (2 in ten years). I need to see, smell and touch a person before I know they are right for me. :)


congrats on ignoring everything said above, ah whatever i'm off to a BBQ, enjoy the planet you live on

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:55:02 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK
Bringing profiles into it IS low and unnecessary.

Pardon me?  You wrote it, you made it public, and you attached it to every single one of your posts on this thread.  In real life, you are accountable for your actions.  Perhaps you spend most of your mental time elsewhere, and are not accustomed to being held accountable.  I've "met" all kinds on the internet, that is for sure.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 8:55:17 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		My mind can't quite deal with all the commotion of this thread so I skipped it.

My relationship is long distance. We are not separated by continents, but we are apart nonetheless. It took us almost 2 months to close the almost 3 hour gap between us. In that time we talked every single night except for my 4 day family vacation and 2 days that he was away taking care of his step dad in the hospital. We spent hours every night and our bond grew quite deep. The one thing that terrified me was for us to meet and it to all have been just the magic of cyberspace. I was almost unwilling to break the spell with reality. I would have grieved him so badly. I told him all these things and he reassured me that things were going to be even better in person. He knew it. He was just so sure.

The day came and we met. It was like collecting all these random sparks that had been flying into one place and making a raging fire! We had an absolutely wonderful time! It was so good a time, in fact, that I didn't want to leave and even cried in his arms for a little bit. Making it real was the best thing we could have done.

We spend months and months separated after that. Family concerns, illness, financial stuff were all conspiring against us. Nine months after our first visit, we finally got a chance to be back together in May. It was phenomenal! We had grown so much as a couple. How? Once again, aside from maybe a few weeks' worth of time scattered over that period, we had talked every single night for hours. We shared everything going on with each other. I went through some particularly hard stuff (still ongoing actually) and he was there supporting me through it all. I knew he would do whatever I needed to help. I was slowly learning to trust him with things, big things.

Now for this pause. Since May we have not been back together. He has been sick and we both have been a little tight on funds. We also probably went through what will always be one of the worst trials of our relationship. My failure to let go in certain areas hurt him deeply. I didn't need a crop striking me or some ridiculous corner time for me to feel pain. His brokeness and displeasure were more than enough. This lead us to some of the greatest growths of our relationship. We get time together again in two weeks and I can be sure, though I know exactly what to expect, nothing will be the same as it was before. How? Once again, we were in touch every single day with few exceptions. Email, IM, and phone have all been in play and we keep on growing and growing.

We are in an ackward stage where it is sort of an "owned without a collar" kind of thing. We don't want anything official until we can be together physically on a full time basis. I have too many obligations to move except maybe across town and he has many things to take care of in order to make the transition. It is a waiting game with a definite end. It is a long wait, but we are making the best of it in the meantime. But while we are waiting, it hurts to have people questioning and poking at our relationship because it is not what they think it should be and what we want nothing more than for it to be as well. I've heard suggestions that I am nothing more than a booty call or had it called into question that he does this or that which indicates he is cheating or questions about why I am not mentioned on his profile. This criticsm has produced friction on occassion, but we manage it well because we know better than all the noise and fuss. We believe in each other and what we have together. I don't care what prejudices others have.

lovingpet

(in reply to nephandi)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 9:06:55 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

Bringing profiles into it IS low and unnecessary. You're looking for ways to discount my opinion and you think you've found one in my profile. That's fine. The truth is I get out there, meet people and do things and do my best to fulfill my kinkiness and needs in real life. My situation is different to many other peoples but I'm genuine in the fact that I need to be someones submissive, in real life, in person and with someone who can conduct a relationship with me. I haven't the time or patience for faffing about with webcams and such with a person I've never met. I would rather wait longer for someone who is right for me AND close enough to me that we can meet on a regular basis. 'Playing' isn't everything but for me, no, I admit, I couldn't have a relationship without it. Other people say they can, but I suspect there are reasons why they don't take it to real-time whether they admit them or not. Just MY opinion.

As for meeting online. lol Dont we all? I have met all my partners online and met them within a week (2 in ten years). I need to see, smell and touch a person before I know they are right for me. :)


Since you seem to know ALLLLLLL so much about us that happened to meet online and had LDR's, care to give some of your supposed reasons? Or have the numerous examples ALREADY given not sufficed to show you that many have reasons for being apart at times?

My oldest son is in the US Navy and shipping out soon. Since we're apart, does that mean I'm not really his mother anymore? Or the fact that we will have to have a LDR relationship with him being shipped out not count?  Look, everyone has LDR's, including communications online. Next time you're reading an email from your auntie or sister or other family member or friend who lives kilometres away, remember that that is a long-distance, online relationship. Does it make it any less real?

The issue seems to be your attitude, dismissal and disrespect of other peoples relationships, however they may be. Your profile was used as an example of the pot calling the kettle black. You talk about fantasies and illusions yet seem to have some pretty grand ones yourself. Have your opinion, but next time you're bashed, flamed or even simply disagreed with for expressing it, remember that you opened your mouth Profiles are used to give a snapshot of a person, who they are and what type of person you are. Good and bad.

Now where's that train wreck emote when it's needed?


_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 9:07:07 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists




btw... I think anyone that hasn't been in relationship for at least 20 years is just role-playing it. Someone that has only been together a few years can't begin to appreciate what it means to be in a relationship of depth... There just role-playing at best ......... faking it at worst.


Yes...I've had one of those LTR's.
But give the old ones a chance.. I think we just have to get quicker at it the older we get.



Yeah... that is what happens.... When I was younger and role-playing this relationship.... I could fuck Alandra for hours and all was good.... now that we are a relationship of substance and strength of over 20 years... I can fuck her in 30 seconds.... apparently I wasn't very good in the past as it took me hours to get the job done. But now... Damn...... I am in and out and satisfied!!!! So... if you get into this relationship thing late... well you have to hit the ground running and not take all day fucking... 30 seconds... that is the goal!!!!

oh btw.... don't ask me if she is pleasure or not... I am the Master... who the fuck cares if the slave is getting off. It's my 30 seconds... and I am going to make the most of it for ME!!!!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 7/11/2009 9:14:24 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 9:08:54 AM   
KaityK


Posts: 36
Joined: 6/27/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK
Bringing profiles into it IS low and unnecessary.

Pardon me?  You wrote it, you made it public, and you attached it to every single one of your posts on this thread.  In real life, you are accountable for your actions.  Perhaps you spend most of your mental time elsewhere, and are not accustomed to being held accountable.  I've "met" all kinds on the internet, that is for sure.



How did I attach it? What do you mean? There is something different how I post to everyone else? Isn't everyones profile attached then by clicking the name? I don't understand this point. Sorry.

Maybe, it's OK to start pulling apart profiles on this forum when the opinions of that poster aren't agreed with. I'm used to that being seen as not acceptable on other forums so that's something I'm aware of now. Thanks for pointing this out to me. I still don't see the relevance of my profile anyway other than for people to point out I am married. Woooo hooo 'she is married to a vanilla so what could she possibly know?' lol. Childish and pointless.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 9:13:21 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I'm used to that being seen as not acceptable on other forums...


how interesting... and how very unsurprizing too

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to KaityK)
Profile   Post #: 80
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