RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you think??

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RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 12:07:24 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Katey, first let me say that I absolutely adore your Master. Gauge is wonderfully witty and fun and obviously has excellent taste in women. Please tell him that Bita sends fond regard to him.

Okay, that aside, don't sweat the small stuff or the small minded and especially the 'community'. No one knows what is in your heart and mind except for you and Gauge. That is, as they say, enough. The Internet has made this planet very small, technology has made molehills out of mountains and speedy transport has made the improbable, possible.

I hope you enjoy the States when you get there and don't feel too overwhelmed with the move. Having gone through a similar move (from the States to Europe), I know, for a fact, it can take some adjustment. You'll have enough on your plate without adding the stress of random, snarky, cluess comments about your dynamic and no matter what your dynamic is, there will aways be someone out there to spew forth crap about it. ::shrugs:: You've got Gauge and he's got you, so screw 'em.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to KateyCaine)

Post #: 101

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 12:39:57 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I'm not predjudiced against LDR's, or people who involved with them. However, if someone hasn't yet met their partner in person, I do think that going off to a hotel room or their home and playing in private the first time they are face-to-face is unsafe. If someone has never been in a D/s or M/s relationship offline, then I will take any relationship advice from them with a large grain of salt. If they have strong opinions about their interests in physical S/M and bondage play, I would encourage them to share their lack of hands-on-experience with any potential partners, since that kind of thing can be very different on your skin than in your head.

I *do* think it's deliciously ironic when someone who has never actually had a chance to try D/s, M/s, S/M, or bondage has the nerve to tell me that I'm "fake" because I'm a switch, though. In that case, I feel absolutely justified in making fun of them!

As to the physical collar thing, my Master hasn't chosen to give me a physical token, and I didn't have one in my last relationship as a submissive for 3 years. Each of them had me wear a collar for playtime/etc. when they were with me.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 102

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 12:40:24 PM

Kalista07

Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

Katey,
i have resisted replying to this thread only because i felt like i could not offer an unbiased response...However, since Bita already did it i guess i will just have to follow her wonderfully made footsteps...
i hope You know i adore both you and Gauge. It seriously brings me great joy and wonderful happiness to hear the absolute peace and contentment in his voice when he speaks of you. i know i've told you this before but He{ my Him...Not your Him.. :P} and i met online as well. We were also a LDR.... Granted ours was a little easier than yours because there was only three hours difference between us, but the truth is people are just hateful judgemental bastards!!! But, the other reality is that not all people are. Some people are kind, loving, encouraging, supportive, and wonderful. If you and Gauge are happy with your relationship than stay firm in that...Do not allow anyone else the credibility or power to intrude into your thoughts, beliefs, or feelings to cast doubts or negativity about your relationship or the validity of it.
Personally, i really don't understand the arrogance displayed by people who want to tell others that their relationship is 'less than' what the standard measurement is....For whatever reason it just doesn't compute in my brain......But hey...Perhaps, i'm not a real person.........................
Kali

< Message edited by Kalista07 -- 7/11/2009 12:43:13 PM >

_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 103

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 1:00:27 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

FR, after read thru

lol

First off, there's this process humans do where they can create or see two distinct, dichotomous categories of being, & some humans feel the need to shove everyone into one category or the other, with no middle ground allowed. This doesn't necessarily match up with external reality, or other people's perceptions or experience. But that 'extreme dichotomization', in my not-so-humble, can interfere with learning . . ...

Okay. The other thing I noticed from reading this thread is: communication. Over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over again we hear & say, communication is key. Communication is the alpha & the omega of relationships. &, ummmmmm, I notice that long-distance relationship is all about communication. So indulging in long-distance relationship, whether it be friendship or more-ship, is, at bare minimum, a learning experience in communication. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some LDR have more & / or better communication than some in-person relationships . .... .

& here's a reality: there aren't many choices near by to me, & I'm not willing to settle for 'good enough but close by' (& that is what it felt like when I did fool around with locals) . . ... Opening my possibilities up to the whole world greatly expands my potential pool of partners . .... & since I'm mostly just interested in friendship-first kinds of scenarios, I literally do have the world at my computer . ..... I'm certainly not gonna shut out all possibility that could lead to more-than-friendship online, just cuz it's online, nor just cuz it didn't work for some people.

Also, I've learned an enormous amount about BDSM relationships just from hanging out on these message boards, strictly from these online interactions. I'd hazard to say I've learned more about the diversity of D/s relationships from a coupla months of reading these fora than I learned from 2 years of interacting with my local real-world munch community, play parties, et alia . . ... . Information happens where it happens, & it's as much in the intake as it is in the offering . . . .. .

_____________________________

Snarko ergo sum.

The Verbossinator

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 104

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 1:28:16 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

FR--Without reading the entire read and just a few entries..

Personally, for me - I cannot due a long distance relationship. I need the physical even it is only once every 6 weeks. However, I am not one to judge what works or doesn't work for others. In fact, I recently made a post on Fetlife because there was Dom who is on the east coast and he wanted a relationship with me. For me, it doesn't work. I don't think that because someone has a LDR that somehow what they have isn't real. That is a silly mindset to have.

As well, there are folks who truly play in the sense and do it both online and in realtime but it doesn't make their experiences any less real.

In some ways, I am envious of those who can grab that emotiona/mental connection and bond with each other from afar. It makes me think once they get together it will be very intense. Will there be challenges if they haven't ever met before..most likely. There are challenges in life every day. It is learning to be honest and communicate and if they have that special connection than they should be getting the WOOT WOOT and not judged and condemmed because it doesn't fit anothers criteria about what they feel is real or not real.

(in reply to KateyCaine)

Post #: 105

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 11:10:17 PM

KateyCaine

Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rainfire

Please re-read the OP, KaityK, I've included it above your post. No where does the OP say she's never met her master, only that they live a fair distance from each other. YOU are making an ignorant, biased assumption. Even if they are online at this point, again, no where does she say that they plan on NEVER meeting. Another false assumption.

Reading ALL of the post can help. If you take the time to actually think rather than spout off biased opinions.

Yep, i agree, Rainfire :) July 29th is the day that i will physically and geographically be in His presence :)

k.

_____________________________

Proud to be owned and cherished by Master Charles (Gauge)

i wear His collar on my heart; and wherever i am, i know He is with me.

His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to Rainfire)

Post #: 106

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/11/2009 11:38:29 PM

AlexandraLynch

Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline

Communication, lots of it, and time spent together in one way or another are what it takes to keep a relationship going. I tend to move towards meet each other, and then we can do the three months between another trip here talking every night for a couple hours thing. But I've been burnt; I've invested time and emotional energy in someone, only to have them not. even. show. for the meeting, and never talk to me again. Why is irrelevant, really... But it did change how I felt about online only, and is partly why I conduct online relationships the way I do.

Everyone's got their own way of doing things; no matter what it is, we all need to keep our eyes open and be safe in the process.

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to KateyCaine)

Post #: 107

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 3:15:01 AM

KateyCaine

Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

Just wish online only people would use some kind of disclaimer when posting on forums so that the real life players know that they've never felt what it's like to submit and that their relationship is almost entirely in their head.

In actuality, i don't have to defend myself to anyone, and i do believe in freedom of speech; however, i found the above comment downright cruel. To even imply that i have never felt what it is to submit, and that people like Master Charles (Gauge) and myself are misguided and fake is not only a gross inaccuracy, but insulting. Read my earlier posts from way back when i first joined - i was in a BDSM situation eleven years ago. Tring to fit other people's lives, love and relationships, REGARDLESS of location, into a specific template of what is "normal", what is frivolous, is just plain crazy as there are so many differences in the world.

k.

< Message edited by KateyCaine -- 7/12/2009 3:33:28 AM >

_____________________________

Proud to be owned and cherished by Master Charles (Gauge)

i wear His collar on my heart; and wherever i am, i know He is with me.

His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to KaityK)

Post #: 108

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 3:18:37 AM

KateyCaine

Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

If you're not 'playing online' then what are you doing? Because you're not playing in real life are you? I appreciate where you're coming from but I have to admit (and I'm sorry) I can't take online/long-distance people seriously. It just doesn't make any sense and I can't see how it can be fulfilling at all. I need all senses to be fulfilled not just hearing promises and seeing stuff on a screen. But, each to their own I guess. Just wish online only people would use some kind of disclaimer when posting on forums so that the real life players know that they've never felt what it's like to submit and that their relationship is almost entirely in their head.

A disclaimer? Any disclaimer that I might have for a warning label might not be one you'd appreciate. The nicest thing I can say about your comment is that you have a narrow view of how other people's lives are actually lived.

I guess, in some people's view, I'm not a real life player. I didn't wake up today with My sub sleeping under the same roof. At no time today will he be kneeling at My feet. There will be no serving Me dinner, running My errands, or doing any physical form of service in My home. Today, he's just words on a screen, from across the globe.

Today, My sub serves Me in a different way, because he is serving his country. That service is not just to Me, but to many others. My sub happens to be a medic, stationed in Afghanistan. He's there with thousands of others who went because they were told by a power greater than Me. Yes, in a sense, he is there by choice, because he volunteered to serve. He gave up his right to stay home, because he believes in defending the rights of others.

Does that make him less real? To you, perhaps. To Me, it makes Me exceedingly proud of him and the thousands like him who are willing to sacrifice their personal happiness and comfort for the sake of others. I suppose it makes Me less of a Dominant in your eyes as well. Since I'm on the subject, I wonder if you would have considered Me less of a wife when My husband's military service took him to Korea for a year and all I had were words on the screen and the occasional phone call.

I'm sure it's a great comfort to those of us in military families and D/s dynamics to hear that our connections to those separated from us that they aren't real. That means the worry isn't real. The missing them isn't real. The waiting isn't real. Since none of this is valid in your eyes, I can go through My day, happy as a lark.

There are THOUSANDS of people in various countries who serve away from home. Iraq, Afghanistan, and many other places around the globe. Do you really have such a narrow view to think that NONE of them, might be in the lifestyle?

i hope he is doing okay over there :) Furry thoughts and prayers for his safe return back to You xx

k.

_____________________________

Proud to be owned and cherished by Master Charles (Gauge)

i wear His collar on my heart; and wherever i am, i know He is with me.

His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 109

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 3:44:25 AM

KaityK

Posts: 36
Joined: 6/27/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KateyCaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

Just wish online only people would use some kind of disclaimer when posting on forums so that the real life players know that they've never felt what it's like to submit and that their relationship is almost entirely in their head.

In actuality, i don't have to defend myself to anyone, and i do believe in freedom of speech; however, i found the above comment downright cruel. To even imply that i have never felt what it is to submit, and that people like Master Charles (Gauge) and myself are misguided and fake is not only a gross inaccuracy, but insulting. Read my earlier posts from way back when i first joined - i was in a BDSM situation eleven years ago. Tring to fit other people's lives, love and relationships, REGARDLESS of location, into a specific template of what is "normal", what is frivolous, is just plain crazy as there are so many differences in the world.

k.

I was speaking generally, not specifically to you or about you (aside from my first post). How could I possibly know your situation or past? Good luck with your meeting and I'm pretty sure I made it very clear many times that my comments were directed at online only relationships where the participants do not meet. Obviously since you are meeting then that doesn't apply to yourself so no need to get offended on your own account although I maintain that until you have met then you are 'playing online' whether you like the term or not.

< Message edited by KaityK -- 7/12/2009 3:45:03 AM >

(in reply to KateyCaine)

Post #: 110

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 6:39:45 AM

WarmlyVicious

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

quote:

ORIGINAL: KateyCaine

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaityK

Just wish online only people would use some kind of disclaimer when posting on forums so that the real life players know that they've never felt what it's like to submit and that their relationship is almost entirely in their head.

In actuality, i don't have to defend myself to anyone, and i do believe in freedom of speech; however, i found the above comment downright cruel. To even imply that i have never felt what it is to submit, and that people like Master Charles (Gauge) and myself are misguided and fake is not only a gross inaccuracy, but insulting. Read my earlier posts from way back when i first joined - i was in a BDSM situation eleven years ago. Tring to fit other people's lives, love and relationships, REGARDLESS of location, into a specific template of what is "normal", what is frivolous, is just plain crazy as there are so many differences in the world.

k.

I was speaking generally, not specifically to you or about you (aside from my first post). How could I possibly know your situation or past? Good luck with your meeting and I'm pretty sure I made it very clear many times that my comments were directed at online only relationships where the participants do not meet. Obviously since you are meeting then that doesn't apply to yourself so no need to get offended on your own account although I maintain that until you have met then you are 'playing online' whether you like the term or not.

translation: i wasnt being ignorant and insulting to YOU, just to <fill in blank>.

.... much better .... /le-sigh

(in reply to KaityK)

Post #: 111

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 3:53:13 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KateyCaine

i hope he is doing okay over there :) Furry thoughts and prayers for his safe return back to You xx

k.

Thank you. Please send My regards to Charles the next time you speak to him.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to KateyCaine)

Post #: 112

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 4:53:09 PM

AlchemicMelody

Posts: 35
Joined: 6/21/2009
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I see that this type of relationship works for some and doesn't work for others. I was in a long distance relationship (not BDSM related) for 6 months. She was in England and I was here (and still am here) in the USA. We chatted using webcam/microphone/messenger. Unfortunately the relationship ended due to things happening in her life that lost her use of the internet. Personally I wouldn't be opposed to a long distance, but I see it as something that's not for everyone. Some will respect those that are in a long distance relationship and others will not. *shrugs* It's just how things are.

_____________________________

"Don't be ashamed of who you love." - Kaya: Japanese singer

(in reply to Leonidas)

Post #: 113

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 10:02:38 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

DISCLAIMER: The following post is written by someone in an online ONLY (for the moment) relationship. It is therefore my assertion that I have no clue as to what I am writing about, nor have I any idea what it means to have feelings for and love someone that I have never actually met. In short, skip to the next post.

There... with that out of the way I must chime in and call an immediate halt to the confusion. Katey and I met online on another forum (the official Saw movie forums if you must know). Our relationship grew out of some communication sent back and forth by :::gasp::: email. PHONY! PLAYER! FAKE! After a bit of that we took our communication to the phone where, for the first time I actually got to hear what Katey sounded like... delightful British accent and I got to enjoy her laughter too.

She and I have maintained communication for almost a year now and no bit of it has been any less "real" than any other "live" experience that I have had. To take a stance that I am fake (which I am) or that there is no validity in my relationship with Katy is absurd at best and rude at worst. No I have never held her in my arms but that day is fast approaching. No, I have never found out if she chews salad like a cow or not. No, I have no idea if she farts in bed or if it could gag a maggot when she does. I will find that out when we meet. Until that time I am phony and we nurture our ruse daily with assertions of affection for each other.

Might I remind people that there are actually real life couples that sit in the same room together and can be miles apart? There are relationships that survive without even a small percentage of the communication level I have with Katey, yet what we have together is not real, nor is it valid.

It will be a very dark day indeed when I have to go online to seek validity for my own actions and for what I deem acceptable. Katey was actually hurt by the notion that someone would outright call her a phony because what we have right now is online. I know I must I must toughen her up for her ongoing participation on these forums because I have encountered stupidity in the most profound ways on the Internet... much at the hands of other people.

I am not going to sit here and defend Katey, or myself for that matter because I don't give a rats ass what others think about me. What others see fit to judge is their own business and their opinion is no less valid than my relationship with Katey. Just because something doesn't appear valid in your eyes does not mean that it is not valid at all... it just does nothing for you personally and THAT is what the BDSM lifestyle is about: we do things that people in the vanilla world cannot understand and they therefore take a dim view of it. Yet here we are, doing what someone else judges as wrong just because it does nothing for them. Isn't it wonderful that we don't have to live our lives seeking affirmation from people that don't matter to us?

I am not telling anyone not to judge what Katey and I have... just take that small leap and admit that you do not and cannot grasp the concept of something online. After you have done that, take a look at yourself and sit back, take a deep breath and relax... and know that you have grown just a little bit more today.

Oh... by the way... guess who's back??

< Message edited by Gauge -- 7/12/2009 10:05:27 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to AlchemicMelody)

Post #: 114

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 10:17:00 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

DISCLAIMER: The following post is written by someone in an online ONLY (for the moment) relationship. It is therefore my assertion that I have no clue as to what I am writing about, nor have I any idea what it means to have feelings for and love someone that I have never actually met. In short, skip to the next post.

10 points.

(The rest of the post merits it also, but this preface was the gem.)

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 115

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/12/2009 10:32:49 PM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

DISCLAIMER: The following post is written by someone in an online ONLY (for the moment) relationship. It is therefore my assertion that I have no clue as to what I am writing about, nor have I any idea what it means to have feelings for and love someone that I have never actually met. In short, skip to the next post.

Perfectly said!

quote:

Oh... by the way... guess who's back??

Welcome back! I don't know you yet, but I like ya anyway!

_____________________________

"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

Resident "Hypnotic Eyes", "Cleavage" and "Toy Whore"
Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 116

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/13/2009 3:27:49 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

DISCLAIMER: The following post is written by someone in an online ONLY (for the moment) relationship. It is therefore my assertion that I have no clue as to what I am writing about, nor have I any idea what it means to have feelings for and love someone that I have never actually met. In short, skip to the next post.

There... with that out of the way I must chime in and call an immediate halt to the confusion. Katey and I met online on another forum (the official Saw movie forums if you must know). Our relationship grew out of some communication sent back and forth by :::gasp::: email. PHONY! PLAYER! FAKE! After a bit of that we took our communication to the phone where, for the first time I actually got to hear what Katey sounded like... delightful British accent and I got to enjoy her laughter too.

Oh... by the way... guess who's back??

Welcome back Gauge....haven't seen you in an age. Oh wait, hang on..I didn't see you, I only read you. I'm a phoney *welcome-backer*.

I met M in a chatroom...it's my deep, dark and dirty secret. Oh the shame.

Chin up Katey.......other people's opinions are...well, theirs.

agirl

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 117

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/13/2009 4:51:58 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

WooHoo!!! Welcome back Gauge and congrats!

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 118

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/13/2009 4:57:28 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Ahhhhh...so that's why you disappeared. You've been doing online wanking for a year.

Welcome back.

_____________________________

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 119

RE: Prejudice about long-distance D/s - what do you thi... - 7/13/2009 5:24:15 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

What a tempest in a teapot. I wonder why the boards are often so argumentative, with those trying to convince others of a point of view.

There are different kinds of relationships in life. In the age of t he internet, now we have on line relationships. Are these different from real life relationships? Yes, they are. That does not mean they are not relationships, it means they are different from those where two people are face to face. It also means we MAY not have as much information about one another as when we spend face to face time with someone.

So I think perhaps the OP needs to acknowledge that internet relationships are a DIFFERENT kind of relationship, with meaning in their own right; and those who are arguing with her might wish to concede that she has a point in that on line relationships ARE OCCASIONALLY peppered with fantasy.

Just curious: did the OP say whether or not she has met this person face to face?

I have on line friendships, and my dominant is far away, but we dont chat on line, we talk on the phone every day; we have met several times; and we have plans to be together because that is what we both want.

Some people would never do a long distance relationship.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 120

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