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Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 10:27:57 AM   
sensualvisions


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline 		"You must be punished for the lack of trust you created, you accept this?
I am curious, what do YOU feel is appropriate punishment for you after shattering my trust?"

My Daddy Dom Master asked me this today and I am truly conflicted. I do not know what to tell him. We just began this relationship two months ago so all is very new. I was doing rather well until I did a very stupid thing-
I looked through some of his personal things while he was in the shower and of course he found out.
I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know. Well I humiliated him and shattered his trust over this, and more then anything want to correct my error and mend U/us. It has been nearly  two weeks since we have seen or talked to each other until today.  I am seeking advice please. How/What should I do to regain his trust and rebuild our relationship?

Thank You in advance.
~sv
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 10:50:37 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensualvisions

I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know.

Well, which one is it?

If you didn't "realize how he would feel" then hadn't he made respecting the privacy of his stuff clear? If he didn't, the mistake is his and there i no logical reason for the act to involve a "shattering of trust".

On the other hand, if you didn't think "he'd even know" then you were doing something with hope/expectation of not getting caught, which is subversive and covert...something which would be distrustful.


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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 12:01:52 PM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		In my opinion...

Trust is a two way street, one of the huge benefits of a M/s relationship is the trust that exists on both sides. I have no problems with my slave seeing anything of mine,  I have nothing to hide.
she has infact done so on numerous occasions. The fact that I am getting forgetfull and that nothing she has ever "found" is in anyway durrogatory, Helps increase the trust level in her.

That said..  Once trust is damaged for any reason it cannot ever be 100% repaired.
Perhaps it may be best to learn from this and go forward somewhere else. Especially if he is adament about punnishment for this

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 4:58:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Put yourself in his place..would you want someone snooping through your things? How would it make you feel if they did?

Maybe let him go through your things

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 5:00:50 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You did something you shoudn't, and face punishment.  All that I understand.

Then he spent two whole weeks without any contact, and at the end of that asked you to determine your own punishment?  That just doesn't quite sound right.  If it had been me, I would have administered a hard spanking then and there.

The two weeks without contact sounds like a pretty hard punishment in itself. 

I have other thoughts, and I'm keeping them to myself.


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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 5:04:17 PM   
Carmeldelight


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/22/2005
Status: offline 		hell you are suppose to snoop into his things...that is the first thing mothers teach their daughter is to check his shit out. if he is that much upset about the matter...well that is a cause for you to rethink this matter and ask your self what does this man have to hide!!!!!?????

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 5:08:42 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		My mom never taught me to snoop through men's stuff and I don't know any other women who's moms taught them to snoop either.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carmeldelight

hell you are suppose to snoop into his things...that is the first thing mothers teach their daughter is to check his shit out. if he is that much upset about the matter...well that is a cause for you to rethink this matter and ask your self what does this man have to hide!!!!!?????

(in reply to Carmeldelight)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 5:38:15 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Did he implicitly state that the things you went through were off limits?

If so then okay, punishment is warranted (as he requires) but I feel that the two weeks without contact is punishment enough but this too doesn't sit too well with me. Why ask you what you think your punishment should be but also withdraw contact?

Admittedly I would be somewhat confused here.

But if this wasn't mentioned then to me it's a genuine mistake on your part and I don't feel it merits punishment. In this instance I would mention this and suggest that this is discussed and worked out before the relationship goes any further.

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 6:23:00 PM   
asexualsub


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Just to add my two cents, this event has caused both of you to reveal your 'true colors'. In that,  it has shown you a bit about each others character/insecurities.

First, You have revealed that you don't trust him and therefore are seeking information (behind his back) to complement or contradict what he has told you about himself. (this could reflect your inability to trust)

Second, what you should take note of is his reaction. He ignored you for a week. This means, for all further misdeeds, (anything that causes him to be angry with you), his first line of defense is ignoring you., not talking, not communicating.
That, personally, would drive me nutz. Being ignored by someone you're close to is... more punishment than anyone deserves.

If you decide you want to continue interacting with this person, just be aware that the closer you get, the more it will hurt.

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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 7:51:34 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		As A wise man once stated: "Let the punishment fit the crime!"

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 7:56:03 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		If you're in a relationship, you're bound to be privy to each others' stuff.  Now, you did something that would seem to have been bred of insecurity and lack of trust.  As NZ pointed out, your explanations are disparate.  Is there a reason you don't trust him.  As for this 'pick your punishment' stuff: not my cup of tea.  I'm not a child.  Then again, if I am in a relationship, I expect a level of fluidity as well as pride in service and Dominion. 
  Davan

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/2/2009 8:01:16 PM   
HarderToBreathe2


Posts: 181
Status: offline
quote:

Second, what you should take note of is his reaction. He ignored you for a week. This means, for all further misdeeds, (anything that causes him to be angry with you), his first line of defense is ignoring you., not talking, not communicating.
That, personally, would drive me nutz. Being ignored by someone you're close to is... more punishment than anyone deserves.

If you decide you want to continue interacting with this person, just be aware that the closer you get, the more it will hurt.


OP - I think these are words of great wisdom that should be listened to (the words quoted above from asexualsub).  I've been ignored and cut off from contact/communication before, and it's the most hurtful thing in the world.  Ideally, you should realize that you deserve better than that and kick him to the curb. 
<<hugs>>

< Message edited by HarderToBreathe2 -- 9/2/2009 8:04:11 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 12:57:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Did he tell you not to look at these things?
Did you do so because he was telling you one thing yet your gut was telling you something else?

I can't help wondering though what he is hiding. I don't have anything secret from him, he doesn't have anything secret from me. We never have.

And yeah, somebody who stops communicating whenever there's a problem is never going to  be able to solve problems, instead he'll just ignore them.

For me, the worst punishment would be to find out the truth he is hiding. And knowing he isn't the great guy I thought he would be.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 2:44:50 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensualvisions

"You must be punished for the lack of trust you created, you accept this?
I am curious, what do YOU feel is appropriate punishment for you after shattering my trust?"

My Daddy Dom Master asked me this today and I am truly conflicted. I do not know what to tell him. We just began this relationship two months ago so all is very new. I was doing rather well until I did a very stupid thing-
I looked through some of his personal things while he was in the shower and of course he found out.
I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know. Well I humiliated him and shattered his trust over this, and more then anything want to correct my error and mend U/us. It has been nearly  two weeks since we have seen or talked to each other until today.  I am seeking advice please. How/What should I do to regain his trust and rebuild our relationship?

Thank You in advance.
~sv


Maybe you should first start with being honest to YOURSELF.

Why did YOU feel the need to go through his things?
Why did you think that he would NOT get upset to find out that you were going through his personal belongings.
And, WHY did you think that he would not find out?

Unlike some of the others here, I don't find any fault with his reaction. I was with my late husband for more than ten years, and yet, we still respected each others privacy...and yes, this extended sometimes to certain personal belongings. There are just some lines you never cross.

Maybe, his asking you to find your own punishment is a way for him to force you to understand the WHY of what you did. There has to be a reason for it.

quote:

hell you are suppose to snoop into his things...that is the first thing mothers teach their daughter is to check his shit out. if he is that much upset about the matter...well that is a cause for you to rethink this matter and ask your self what does this man have to hide!!!!!?????

This is nothing but a crock of shit. I don't know about you, but if my mother had taught me such a thing, I sure would not be boasting about it.

quote:

Did he implicitly state that the things you went through were off limits?

I fail to see what this has to do with anything. Since when is privacy considered a fucking limit?

quote:

Did he tell you not to look at these things?

Some things should not have to be laid out in stone.

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Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 4:16:35 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I am flabbergasted by what some people are saying, since when does someone have a RIGHT to go through their Dom's stuff while he was not in the room and the person thinking he would never find out. To me, if there was nothing WRONG with going through his STUFF why not do it when he is right in front of her? This kind of thread shows me how many women will do anything to make the MAN the bad guy in issues caused in the relationship. For many it seems like a desperate need on these boards - to turn things around and somehow make the Man the bad guy or the one hiding something etc.

They have only been in a relationship for TWO months, something tells me they don't LIVE together and she decided to snoop through his stuff while he wasn't around. Yet, i can guarantee the same people whinging making this HIS fault lol cause he got irritated and pissed off she snuck around behind his back and then tried to keep it a secret from him, would say he had no right to go through HER stuff if the situation was reversed and she was his sub and he decided to riffle through her stuff when she wasn't around.

I think what he did was perfectly fine and it sorta fits the crime so to speak. He ignored her. She rifled through his stuff looking to know or find out something, she was curious and was looking for information. Instead for two weeks he withheld everything from her, information, stuff about him, things about him etc. Maybe next time, you will let HIM decide what he wants you to know about him or not attempt to take his privacy away from him and out of HIS control.

To me the OP's actions were a deliberate attempt to invade his privacy in a very untrusting way. Instead of being forthright and honest, she snuck around and tried to hide things. For people saying hey look at what HE did -- how about looking at what SHE did. I think what he did was very imgenius, she snuck around, didn't trust him and attempt to invade his privacy without his permission, so he took away all of her ability to know him and regarding him and of him for two weeks. Maybe next time she will learn to ASK or inquire instead of snoop and be sneaky.

OP, how do you fix this -- 1 is to realize what the fuck you did wrong and admit your own negative and deceitful ways. 2. Understand that you have violated his trust and his belief you will be upfront and honest with him. 3. There is no way to FIX what you did, you can only move on from here and perhaps in the future you won't be deceitful and dishonest, sneaky and attempt to invade his privacy and/or his space without his permission to do so. Instead of thinking he has IGNORED you for two weeks, perhaps take that lesson and start to see how much you value his choice to SHARE what he chooses to with you and as time goes on value what he adds to that as he shares more and more with you. In the future, make sure you respect his choices to share with you, you feel privileged that he has choosen to share with you what he does, and feel happy as his trust becomes more where he offers more of himself and his life and such to you.

You are NOT entitled to it, so see it as am offering from him when he shares himself with you. Respect when he chooses not to share with you, or if there is something you would LIKE to know -- allow the CHOICE to share it with you to be HIS, not yours in a sneaky underhanded way by ASKING or inquiring, instead of snooping when he isn't looking.

Yes i know some people will get their knickers in a twist over how dare i imply a sub or slave isn't entitled to things from him about himself etc. But sometimes, people go at their own pace --- especially Doms or Masters of subs and the sub isn't entitled to demand or decide when he shares things with her and/or slaves -- as to what they allow the slave to know OF them. Even outside of the M/s D/s concept, Men many times go at their own pace as to what they will share and WHEN. ITs not that they have something to hide, its just how they allow people in.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 9/3/2009 4:21:07 AM >

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 5:15:02 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Did he tell you not to look at these things?
Based on what the OP said I would say no, but common courteously says you don't go thru another individual's personal papers

Did you do so because he was telling you one thing yet your gut was telling you something else?
OP said she didn’t know how he would feel about it, so it sounds like it was not discussed so there was no gut conflict

I can't help wondering though what he is hiding. I don't have anything secret from him, he doesn't have anything secret from me. We never have.
If she feels he is deceitful, she simply ends the relationship; you do not stick your nose where it does not belong

And yeah, somebody who stops communicating whenever there's a problem is never going to  be able to solve problems, instead he'll just ignore them.
This I agree with, even something as upsetting as this should be addressed within a couple of days max


For me, the worst punishment would be to find out the truth he is hiding. And knowing he isn't the great guy I thought he would be.
I am guessing that you have been burned, however does not mean you have the right to view another person' personal papers. If you are having trust issues like this, you need to end the relationship and move on. In over 25 years of relationships, I have never felt the need to snoop nor have I been snooped on by my submissives




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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 7:33:03 AM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carmeldelight

hell you are suppose to snoop into his things...that is the first thing mothers teach their daughter is to check his shit out. if he is that much upset about the matter...well that is a cause for you to rethink this matter and ask your self what does this man have to hide!!!!!?????


Strange, my mother did not teach me that. 

OP ~

Were you looking for something in particular?  Stamps, printer paper, a phone number, a pen?  (I am assuming that it was his desk.) 

Or were you just rifling through things? 

If it had been me, and it was that you were looking for something, I would have just told you to ask next time and I would tell you where to find it.  If it was that you were just rifling, that would be a bigger problem because it shows that you either do not have even to occupy yourself, or that you are not capable of entertaining yourself for 15 minutes. 

You just do NOT go through other people's stuff.  It is one of those things that you learn as a 4 year old. 

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 9:33:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Different people have different views about what is private and what isn't.

My inlaws barely talked to each other about intimate things, forget about telling my ex what was his father's illness and diagnosis. In my family, you walk out from the doctor's office and are getting calls from the whole family. Different views on privacy.

I wouldn't open drawers looking for a diary but if someone left it open on the desk, of course I would read that page. I would assume they wanted me to know in order to open the discussion or just didn't care if I knew.

As far as her being punished for doing wrong, that addresses the overt action but not the underlying reasons. So she may not again root through his stuff but she still won't trust him. Hardly the basis of a good relationship.

And that's why the emphasis on his part as well. Because putting a band aid over a staph infection only masks the problem, it doesn't fix it.

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 10:04:25 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		How about he punches you dead in the goddamn face?

Ok, try this on for an alternate idea:

You bring him everything you own, and strip yourself naked, and show him every minute and embarrasing and intimate detail of your life, without reservation, and hold back not even the most infintile, or embarrassing, or horrible, or shameful detail of your soul ?

And then give him a very apologetic blowjob?

Ron

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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/3/2009 10:09:08 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline
quote:

I wouldn't open drawers looking for a diary but if someone left it open on the desk, of course I would read that page. I would assume they wanted me to know in order to open the discussion or just didn't care if I knew.


See this is where my integrity plays a part i guess, when i am in someone elses home -- especially a Man i have only been seeing for 2 months and didn't live with -- i don't believe that anything left out in the open in a private home means for anyone who happens to walk by to read it.   AND if i wanted to read it, I would have the respect for that person IN THEIR PRIVATE HOME to ask if i could read it, even if i say -- hey, this is your journal --  so i get to read it, yes?   If you are living with someone that is different.  But not someone you don't live with, that to me is the most disrespectful thing -- i mean its his HOME, its safe to presume he may have left things there by forgetting to put them away. To me, unless someone gives me permission to read through the things in their private home, i don't because i would respect the fact it is their HOME and if i wanted to read something, i would ask instead of violating their privacy by going behind their back as the OP did and as you indicate you would.  To me it comes down to this -- if you don't believe you are doing something wrong, there is no harm in ASKING before you do it.

This is VERY important part of her post:

quote:

I looked through some of his personal things while he was in the shower and of course he found out. I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know.
  Emphasis added.

The emphasized comments to me state very clearly she knew she was being deceptive, she knew she was doing something he may or could not wish her too. 

How does SHE not trust him?  Because he decided to withhold himself as discipline for her to realize that his sharing himself with her is NOT a RIGHT of hers but a decision for him?  Oh gee, actions have consequences so let's blame the guy for his reaction to a nosy woman deciding she had a right to go through his stuff when he wasn't looking and didn't even come CLEAN about it before he found out somehow.

Sorry but a private home is someone's home.  If you are a GUEST in the home (which the OP was, i believe), sorry that doesn't mean anything battened down, and not locked up is free reign, most people would believe that any friend or person they are seeing would RESPECT their home and not take advantage of something that MAY or MAY NOT have been inadvertently left out so they feel safe in the respect their friends etc would have for them in their home.   If you don't know for sure -- ASK.

angel



_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to DesFIP)
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