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RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 3:39:49 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

. For the simple fact shes snooping, shes not only insulting him and their relationship dynamic, shes also insulting herself by acting like a child.


Well... doesn't she fit the part then? He is her Daddy Dom!

and thanks for the definitions...  like i said... snooping is not a mortal crime

edited to add that she said "I looked through some of his personal things" she never actually used the word snooping herself

< Message edited by ranja -- 9/4/2009 3:53:54 AM >

(in reply to Sunnyfey)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 3:59:30 AM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		"I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know."

I think you new exactly how he would feel, the same as if you walked in on a new boyfriend going through your dresser drawers.  Violated.

You screwed up. Bigtime.  If I was in his place I would cease the relationship. A breech of trust this early with no foundation as a frame of reference for the person as a whole would be a fatal blow to me.

"or think he'd even know."

This makes it sound like you are not truly sorry but only sorry that you got caught.

You performed a sneaky, deceptive, conniving act. Own up to it, and own up to the seriousness of it and you might be able to salvage the relationship. 


(in reply to sensualvisions)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 4:22:30 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		~~FR~~

I just think its amusing -- from what i have seen of many of the posters over the course of reading this board who are shrugging saying its no big deal what she has done or are trying to rationalize what she did etc and that the guy was wrong, from how i have seen them post on other topics, they would have a MELT DOWN if the roles in this were reversed and the guy just went through her stuff while she was in the shower without her permission or knowledge and didn't come clean until she found out somehow. It wouldn't be the ohh there is natural curiosity or the what is she hiding accusations etc. And the Man would be castrated for daring to violate her and her privacy, it would be oh you need to dump him, or ohhh that is a red flag he doesn't trust you or how dare he act like he doesn't trust her, how dare he not just ask her and have open communication instead of sneaking around looking through her stuff. People would be redflagging him all over the place and would be insinuating he was the one cheating cause if he is paranoid about her he must be doing something wrong, she needs to leave him for daring to violate her trust like that etc.

Sometimes the hypocrisy of people when it comes to women's actions versus the same actions in a Man crack me up on this board.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 9/4/2009 4:25:59 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to KYsissy)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 4:47:28 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		I think the severity of the response is total B.S. and completely reeks of a huge lack of self confidence on his part.

Trust is more often misplaced than it is breached. He needs to accept responsibility for misplacing his trust in you too soon. Each partner needs to gain confidence through experience. A solid relationship is not based on blind faith, hope, or fear. It is a process which evolves. After two weeks, you are still learning his preferences -- which in this case -- he did not disclose to you. Beware, and learn from experience. This person may forever attempt to shift responsibity for his own insecurity and shortcoming on to you.

I think an appropriate response is this (in "I speak") --
"I felt a desire to get to know more about you and feel closer to you. I regret and apologize if my action violated your boundaries and exceeded your limits. Perhaps I mistakenly projected my own openness upon you. I feel a strong need to know more details about what are your boundaries and limits, because I do not know all of them. With greater awareness about what are your boundaries and limits, I will endeavour to redouble my efforts to respect them as part of honoring you. I also want to insure that you know I am not perfect. I will fall, and very much want you to help me rise even further than from where I stumble on my path toward improvement."

Both humility and surrender are from strength. Too often, control can be a mechanism to compensate for weakness. Again, learn and gain appropriate confidence (or lack thereof) from experience over time.

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 9/4/2009 4:53:55 AM >

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 4:58:56 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Fast reply:
Everyone has the necessity to have at least a little privacy It can be privacy in our personal lives, at work, or at school. Even if your in a relationship or in a large social group there is always a moment in which we need to have our own space and privacy.

Privacy is something very important to some people, including myself. In our society we have come to accept that invasion of ones private space is okay, if it is done in order to protect ones self or someone else from harm (weather it is financial harm, physical harm, or emotional harm). To me “snooping” is a definite invasion of privacy and shows a real lack of trust on the Ops part. However, if we justify snooping in this scenario when is it NOT okay? When would it cross that line? Would putting up video cameras be crossing the line? Taping your phone? Checking your credit score? Where is that line if looking through someone’s personal belongings not an invasion of privacy?

As far as the reaction of the Ops dom/daddy I would personally think that punishment should have been handed out immediately and the issue discussed immediately. If withdrawing his presence from her was to be his punishment she should have known, why he was doing such. If one doesn’t know why they are being punished or that they are then they will not understand what behavior was unacceptable or why it was unacceptable - therefore its not truly discipline in my eyes.

I beleive trust is a fragile thing, not easily given but easily taken away by many people and it is nearly impossible to regain when truly lost.

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 9/4/2009 4:59:32 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 5:07:08 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

~~FR~~

I just think its amusing -- from what i have seen of many of the posters over the course of reading this board who are shrugging saying its no big deal what she has done or are trying to rationalize what she did etc and that the guy was wrong, from how i have seen them post on other topics, they would have a MELT DOWN if the roles in this were reversed and the guy just went through her stuff while she was in the shower without her permission or knowledge and didn't come clean until she found out somehow. It wouldn't be the ohh there is natural curiosity or the what is she hiding accusations etc. And the Man would be castrated for daring to violate her and her privacy, it would be oh you need to dump him, or ohhh that is a red flag he doesn't trust you or how dare he act like he doesn't trust her, how dare he not just ask her and have open communication instead of sneaking around looking through her stuff. People would be redflagging him all over the place and would be insinuating he was the one cheating cause if he is paranoid about her he must be doing something wrong, she needs to leave him for daring to violate her trust like that etc.

Sometimes the hypocrisy of people when it comes to women's actions versus the same actions in a Man crack me up on this board.

angel


Funny i have not made any such observations of posters being so whimsical as to from what direction the wind blows...
And of course the posts from your hand are very consistent too; always come down hard on the women...  rock on sister lol

you have to excuse me (ignore me is probably best) i am argumentative... that time of the month would you know...

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 5:20:11 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Actually if you look at my posts i don't passify women who post here whining how mean their dom was to them and looking for people to castrate the guy despite her own behavior. So you really might want to reread my posts. it seems MOST people especially a lot of the women turn things around in a situation wherein a WOMAN CLEARLY STATES she fucked up and somehow make anything and everything wrong was the guys fault lol its utterly amazing at how many women love allowing the woman to be the victim even when she does the wrong thing.

You yourself insinuated earlier that the guy was somehow messing around in the two weeks he didn't talk to her. and NOWHERE in her post did she even HINT that. Talk about reaching in desperation to make HIM the bad guy.

I also don't run and tell a guy leave her ass, or she is this and that or insinuate the woman is fucking around on him all because she doesn't have contact with him for a couple weeks cause she is mad at him. NOr do i throw red flags at everything a woman does when a guy asks questions about it.

As i said, it seems many simply enjoy trying to castrate men on this board no matter what, if a Man is part of the issue a woman is having he will somehow be at fault. Its utterly amazing to me.

angel






_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 5:39:38 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: barelynangel



You yourself insinuated earlier that the guy was somehow messing around in the two weeks he didn't talk to her. and NOWHERE in her post did she even HINT that. Talk about reaching in desperation to make HIM the bad guy.

you are wrong, i never insinuated anything of the kind


As i said, it seems many simply enjoy trying to castrate men on this board no matter what, if a Man is part of the issue a woman is having he will somehow be at fault. Its utterly amazing to me.

I think that is nonsense, he at fault or she at fault, men being castrated women being victims...
 
She was his guest... the attentive host was splattering by himself in the shower... she looked at some stuff... he finds out (how?) and freaks out... ignores her for over a week and then tells her she has SHATTERED his trust and asks her how she thinks she should be punished...
I do not mean to castrate any man at all, but he does not strike me as confident.
 
is it that time of the month for you too?








< Message edited by ranja -- 9/4/2009 5:40:28 AM >

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 5:54:00 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		ranja,
If it is okay for the op to snoop b/c she was left alone. When is snooping an invasion of privacy?

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 9/4/2009 6:02:49 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 5:59:25 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline
quote:

He has left her alone for two weeks now with no contact... and she is to determine her own punishment... over snooping while he was washing his willie, some Dom


ahh okay, i apologize i misread. You did not insinuate grins, in my own perverted mind i thought... nevermind lol. Sorry for misunderstanding that aspect.

No its not that time of month, i only use that excuse when i am a "complete" bitch to someone. Its a discussion board, people are going to debate and be argumentative and aggressive with regard to same at times. I don't see when women do so as its a concept of its that time of month. shrugs.

i simply disagree with you and how many people are looking at this especially when they are trying to excuse the woman's behavior and place the Man as the wrong doer. The girl didn't from what she said simply look at some stuff -- she did so while he was not around and she specifically stated she didn't know he would FIND OUT. I have been a guest plenty of times when my friends took showers -- getting ready or such, it didn't mean i had free reign to entertain myself by looking through their stuff thinking they won't find out. As an adult, i would turn on the TV, grab a book, make some calls, or ASK to look around and through stuff.

I also don't really see what he asks as a concept of he wants HER to give him ideas, it seems like a question as to what would you do in this situation if someone violated your trust by being deceitful and dishonest. IN otherwords, what do you think is an appropriate punishment. Doesn't mean he will do what she says but maybe he is trying to find some insight into whether or not she really realizes how badly she fucked up.

My post was a fast reply ranja, it wasn't directed specifically at you or only at you. I just read through the thread somemore and see that pattern here.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 6:19:03 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist


quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Different people have different views about what is private and what isn't.



Exactly. Too bad that not everybody is intelligent enough to work that one out.

quote:

Exactly. Too bad that not everybody is intelligent enough to work that one out.

thats a fucking cop out...too bad SOME people are not intelligent enough to work that one out




It's not a cop-out. It's the truth. It's incredibly parochial and dare I say yokel-ish to assume that everybody is raised with the same manners, morals, and ethics as oneself and to further insist that they behave or think in ways they were not raised to behave or think in. This attitude is what makes many of us look like boorish louts crashing around in china shops when we try to interact in other cultures with vastly different ways. But lots of times local yokels feel that the only culture that should exist anywhere in the world is their own narrow one.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 6:22:56 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel


My post was a fast reply ranja, it wasn't directed specifically at you or only at you. I just read through the thread somemore and see that pattern here.

angel



I did not take it personal Angel, but i did not see a simular pattern and indeed we dissagree  on the severity of the op's 'crime'

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 6:31:17 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

ranja,
If it is okay for the op to snoop b/c she was left alone. When is snooping an invasion of privacy?


I did not say it was ok for the op to snoop.... and of course it is an invasion of privacy, just not a trust shattering one...

some people might even see such 'snooping' as a compliment you know... i know i did when my 3+ years of interrogation started... i was mistaken... it was not out of real interest in me, it was indeed because of distrust but that does not mean that is the reason why the op looked, she might have been just curious while he was making her wait for him... in that case he is very much over reacting

(in reply to SweetNika)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 6:36:24 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		ranja, what YOU or others think about the "sevierity" of the crime isn't at issue -- HER DOM feels she has completely killed the trust he had in her. I can relate to how he views this. What she did if she were a he and in my home after only 2 months of knowing each other -- it would be TRUST shattering not just something to blow off as ohhh she was just looking or its his fault for not entertaining her. Making light of that while patting the girl on the head and pretty much indicating she shouldn't have to recognize what she did was wrong IN HIS EYES and the severity he has seen and determined.

To me the important thing is -- her motives -- she did it while he wasn't around, and then didn't think he would find out. To me that is deceit and doing something she had an INKLING HE MAY OBJECT too. This seems from the op's words to have been a very deliberate look and search hoping he wouldn't find out.

To me, THAT is trust shattering as she has indicated she can't be trusted, she is deceitful, she is sneaky, and she somehow feels she has to snoop instead of ask.

Maybe in the end what many are insinuating here is why he is asking what SHE thinks is appropriate because like many she may just not get that it doesn't matter what SHE determined when she decided to sneak around, HIS feelings and HIS beliefs is what matters. IF she is incapable of seeing why he was so upset and why he feels so strongly about the trust issue, he may determine she isn't worth keeping as their difference in understanding trust, deceit, and such will be too different to overcome.

angel

In the end i think that is what i don't get is how people can be so blase` as to HIS feelings of having HIS trust shattered and such to the point they are blaming HIM for his feelings of feeling she did shatter his trust. People tell women all the time he should RESPECT her feelings of trust being shattered or such but in this situation suddenly its no big deal that the woman cause HE is overreacting?

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 9/4/2009 6:48:04 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 6:48:01 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Trust is a very personal thing and it is obvious that to the ops dom/daddy this was a huge violation of trust Personally it would be to me as well, my private space is just that even if I invite you to the specific space (my home) that does not mean I have invited you to look through my things So not only is it about trust for ME but a lack of respect for personal space, MY personal space.

I wouldn't question weather or not someone was over reacting, only THEY can determine the approriate reaction to personal situations and the ops dom obviously has done that It is obvious as well that she does not understand or agree with his reaction which is ok as well, she doesn't have to but she should respect it none the less.

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 7:09:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I think the appropriate punishment is a moot point. He hasn't spoken to her for over two weeks. I'm betting that no matter what she deems an appropriate punishment, he still won't respond.

OP, he's moved on. Suggest you do the same and next time discuss what you are allowed to look into or aren't beforehand.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 7:18:21 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sensualvisions

"You must be punished for the lack of trust you created, you accept this?
I am curious, what do YOU feel is appropriate punishment for you after shattering my trust?"

My Daddy Dom Master asked me this today and I am truly conflicted. I do not know what to tell him. We just began this relationship two months ago so all is very new. I was doing rather well until I did a very stupid thing-
I looked through some of his personal things while he was in the shower and of course he found out.
I did not realize how he would feel or think he'd even know. Well I humiliated him and shattered his trust over this, and more then anything want to correct my error and mend U/us. It has been nearly  two weeks since we have seen or talked to each other until today.  I am seeking advice please. How/What should I do to regain his trust and rebuild our relationship?

Thank You in advance.
~sv


i don't believe you were unaware that your actions were intrusive at all. which is why you elected to snoop when he was in the shower. i'm certain you don't do this when you visit other people in their home? at least i'd hope not. where your problem rests is the fact he realized you'd done it. people that pry usually slip up at some point. there's also the old adage about being careful of what you do, you may find something you didn't wish to see.

the period of silence could have come about for several reasons. his disgust, disappointment, loss of trust, or contemplation over the status of the relationship. while i cannot condone his failure to indicate he desired time to himself, you must be cognizant of the fact your betrayal set this in motion. everyone reacts differently to violations of privacy and for whatever reason you chose to do so, and didn't feel comfortable asking him openly.

you've been given a lot of responses. his question has caused you to do the one thing you failed to do that day. consider your actions carefully. you had many options and elected to do the one that would be both underhanded and dishonest. you have not been acquainted for a long period of time and even if you were, there's a way to do things and yours was not the right one. so how do you fix this mess? that isn't something i can tell you. utilize this time to look within yourself and be honest about the things that prompted your behavior. if you're truly contrite the answer will find you. it always does.

porcelaine


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(in reply to sensualvisions)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 7:54:10 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

In the end i think that is what i don't get is how people can be so blase` as to HIS feelings of having HIS trust shattered and such to the point they are blaming HIM for his feelings of feeling she did shatter his trust. People tell women all the time he should RESPECT her feelings of trust being shattered or such but in this situation suddenly its no big deal that the woman cause HE is overreacting?


Nobody is being blase, people just have different opinions

His feelings do matter... it is just that his feelings in this are over the top and whingey in my opinion and that would matter to me a great deal if i were the op.

Of course one should not snoop really, but now you are in his house and he is absent (why could he not have taken this shower earlier?) and you really like the bloke and you are wandering around and looking at things and then your eye falls on some letters on his desk...
It is all very ok to turn the telly on when you are at an old girlfriends and she is getting ready for going out... but what about visiting your new lover and he is not even ready to receive you and you are left by yourself in his intriguing surroundings.... i admit natural curiosity would get the better of me too... and yes i would be very startled too at being caught, and i would feel guilty too (Catholic upbringing, guilt guilt guilt)
But any relationship is a building of trust and a getting to know eachother... and by getting to know eachother you inevitably invade eachothers privacy at the very least to some extent...
And trust builds slowly, it is never there totally from the start, it should not be, and mistakes can be made and lines can be crossed and trust can still build... it should
If a mistake is made and the trust totally shatters then things are extremely fickle it seems... not much chance for a good solid cheerful relationship to form

As for her punishment to the awful crime of shattering His trust... should she hand him the gun to shoot her with?

I still think there is a serious lack of humor in the entire episode
He should have spanked her there and then, it was such a brilliant window for play that was missed entirely...

Yes she was at fault... and then he was too by not resolving it Masterfully, and he is still sulking... i would have troubles respecting him indeed eventhough i started the whole sorry episode with snooping... both have shown their colours

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 8:10:37 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		ranja,

Let me give you an example.

I have a male friend who comes over and we tend to hang out in my room alot (only room that is offlimits to UMs). I often leave him alone while I finish getting ready to go out or to deal with my UM. He has known me for almost 8 mths and we have a very open friendship. However, until the other day he never knew the wood trunk at the end of my bed wa s filled with lingirie and toys. Why? Because he respect my space enough not to look or rummage through my drawers. I garantee if he had I would have tossed him out on his ass and not spoken to him for awhile too. That time would not be sulking it would have given me time to reflect on his actions and lack of respect for MY personal space and how "I" wanted to proceed. It would have been a time for him to reevaluate his actions and reasons for them.

To me it is better to eer on the side of caution where respect and privacy are the subject. If your that curious ask, not take it upon yourself to invade someone elses space.

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 9/4/2009 8:13:13 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Seeking Advice for Punishment - 9/4/2009 8:12:09 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Wow, just wow. To me, deceit, dishonesty, sneaking and shattering of a person's trust isn't a situation for humor or playing. I actually admire you on some morbid level in this lol cause to me all three of those are very serious concepts and ones i don't take lightly when they occur with someone i thought i could trust and have trust in. I wish i could be so carefree with such things.

angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 60
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