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Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:14:03 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:15:54 PM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		To each his own I guess.
Everything we do changes in time. Gladly we can decide if we participate or ignore it.


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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:16:50 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		Sooooooooo what's your answer to my question?

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:17:38 PM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline 		you asked for thoughts...I gave mine ;)

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:20:06 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I see it more as taking care of each other. Generally, I just need the cuddles and time close to him. I do, however, sometimes need a little help getting back to myself because my blood sugar can crash after play. We often will share some chocolate and a drink together. He doesn't necessarily need it, but I like to take care of him after and he certainly doesn't mind the attention. The stuff is close at hand and we never have to leave each other's arms to do this. I love to break off a block of chocolate and feed it to him. If it came to having to get out of bed to do this, we would probably forego it altogether or I would get up after it myself. We mostly just want to be with each other in that special time and space.

lovingpet

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:20:18 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline 		Yes I see I did.....lol ok thanks!

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:21:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's always given me what I need. It's faster to let me have a quilt and a 15 minute nap first then to have me do stuff while I'm shivering uncontrollably dropping things.

But this, for us, comes inside of a relationship. And in relationships, you take care of the other if they aren't well enough to take care of themselves.

I usually bring the water in with us, but on occasion he has had to hold the glass for me. In that state, I would have spilled his water too. This is just more efficient. As to whether it's softer? It's normal for us obviously not for you.

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:23:16 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Well it depends on the D and s in question. As a Domme, if I was with a sub whom I knew from experience tended to drop easily AND if it was in My best interest for whatever reason to try to prevent or minimise that, then I don't mind doing what it takes if it works! Like if I get him something to eat and drink as well as a cuddle, then he'll be able to do all the dishes later ... works for Me!

Frankly I don't see how a sub having a cuddle, being kept warm and then going to sleep is any more useful to the D's needs than one who is fed and watered and then awake! Or am I missing something here?

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:25:16 PM   
TurboJugend


Posts: 481
Joined: 6/15/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

Yes I see I did.....lol ok thanks!


:P
But ok..personally I don't think about afther care. I mean..it is not something planned. If she is tired and wants to sleep against me, I won't push her away. PErsonally I think to much afther care would reduce the effect of the intense..."session" ...especially punishment :P


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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:30:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We don't do punishment so can't speak about that. I can talk about not being safe to drive afterwards. Getting home without remembering the drive, or having to pull off the road and cry for an hour. Or not being able to walk straight. If I can't walk or talk normally then expecting me to get into the car and be magically okay is just wrong. It's dangerous. I could kill myself and others.

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:30:22 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		my reply about the cookies and ice cream was me being a smart ass.

it is my responsibility as owner and keeper of my slave, that i ensure its safety and well being. i have to take care of ALL my slaves needs, whether it be physical or emotional.

as far as pampering my slave,,,, that doesnt really happen

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:32:26 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VirginPotty

This thread comes after reading the "After Care" thread and all the posts from subs who get everything from cookies & hot chocolate to a meal after a 'session'.  As I posted there, I was always taught that we are there to provide for the Dom's needs, their desires not to be molly-coddled after doing what we're supposed to do. I know after care is important but I'm thinking cuddling, kept warm and going to sleep, not the dom scurrying around, waiting on the sub hand & foot all in the name of preventing sub drop.

Thoughts?


The thing is Potty, with your example, yes I am attending to my sub's needs. No I am not waiting on him hand and foot, I am investing some caring and and aftercare to a sub who I want to feel safe and secure knowing I am right there in case he has an unexpected issue arise from sub drop. It is my responsibility as his sir to have him feel secure in knowing I am not simply using him in a cold hearted way just for my needs. If he can't feel safe after a heavy duty play session, how can I expect him to feel safe with me in day to day living under my care and ownership?


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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:32:52 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I can play rather hard, My girl can be so out of it that I have to remind her how to walk afterwards. Also she is diabetic so I have to be a bit more careful about her sugars... none of it requires Me 'scurrying around', just a little preplanning to ensure I have everything at hand and My property is back functioning reasonably that much faster.

As for the title question.... Nothing to do with aftercare but seeing what passes for play in some of the clubs... I do wonder sometimes. OK I play lighter in public than at home (Difficult to get her home if she isn't capable of walking for a couple of hours!) but sheesh the feather duster brigade is gaining in numbers (Each to their own and all that but hell last time I played in public people where wincing at our play when I was just spanking her.... I think they had run away by the time I got out the metal paddle!)


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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:41:54 PM   
lucebella


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline 		A sub/slave that is well taken care of will serve better... that's my first thought.
Another one is that while i agree my Dom's needs are first and foremost more important, He has a responsibility to take care of me after an intense session... if He wants those intense sessions to continue.

I think about out first tough session with a riding crop/nipple clamps and I cannot imagine not having Him there to talk me down, give me water and hold me after he takes me to a place where I cannot do it for myself.  Its all about trust.  If I trust my Husband is going to at least make sure i am physically all right, then i trust Him to put me through more and more difficult pain. 

I definitely don't think that offering water, a sweet to help blood sugar, and holding her/him while they come back down is waiting on hand and foot.... I had the flu the other day and my Dom left work twice to bring me medicine and stuff I could stomache.  Does something like this bother you as well?  I cant imagine being sick or in sub space and my Dom NOT caring for me...

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:44:50 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline 		We don't do the "after care" thing either... but I suppose it all boils down to different dynamics and definitions.

Example:  In the Daddy/little girl dynamic, the "after care" thing is often desired by BOTH the dominant and submissive partner.  It gets them off.  So the Toppy person isn't really "caring" for the helpwess-wittle subbie, but rather... the "after care" thingy tends to be somewhat of an extension (i.e., part of) of their playing within those roles and in that dynamic.

Different in our dynamic... a slave is property to be used by, and serves its Master under this roof. Period.  Also, "after care" as defined by one couple may be COMPLETELY different for another couple;  heck, it could just be a towel or glass of water for some, or be much more involved for others.

Not our thing... but to each his/her own.



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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:49:18 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		I guess I'm just an oddball but "sub drop" is not something I have experienced. Well then, I haven't experienced "sub frenzy" and all kinds of other "sub" nonsense either, so I must be the odd one out. However, having said that, here's my personal thoughts as to your question, Potty:

I have experienced some very hard beatings, whippings, canings, etc. right from my first experience. I always break into a cold sweat and get lost in the moment. No matter how "hard" everything done to me was and how much I endured, I have never finished up by shaking uncontrollably or being able to even think or walk or take a drink. Sure, I'm wobbly in the knees, sore and exhausted, but I've never been so out of it I can't fend for myself if need be.

Master usually unties me (if He chose to bind me for that particular instance), removes the hood (if He choose to tie it on for this experience) and has me lie down on our bed next to Him. He holds me tightly and strokes my (sweaty) head and tells me what a "good girl" I was/am. Sometimes, I take a drink of something cold. I relax, melt into Him and, after a short while, take a shower. I've just never needed "after care" to the degree that some seem to.

I agree with you, Potty, in that IMHO, it doesn't feel right to get "babied" all night for doing what I "signed up to do," so to speak. The way others do it is fine for them but, as for us, He beats the tarnation out of me and I get on with things....lol....that's just how we roll

luci

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:53:33 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lucebella

He has a responsibility to take care of me after an intense session... if He wants those intense sessions to continue.



So, is he aware that YOU are the one that's REALLY in charge here... making that decision for the both of you?!!


quote:


I had the flu the other day and my Dom left work twice to bring me medicine and stuff I could stomache.



That's not "after care", that's just normal human behavior in simply "caring" for a partner who is ill.  Far different from "after care" following another's use of you.



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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 1:59:51 PM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		it always comes down to this.
subs do what a D wants
D does what a sub needs
if a sub needs that cuddling or cookies or what ever then it's the D's job to do it if they don't want to or don't think they shoudl they should find a sub that doesn't require that much aftercare.    many subs are happy with "good job go get dressed" as an after care lol  so there are all the grey area's in between.
some D's might consider a sub that needs extensive aftercare high maintaince, maybe they are but then again may they are worth it ;)    that's for a D to decide.
if the D doesn't do the after care that their sub "needs"  then it's up to the sub to express that so it can be worked out to the satisfaction of both parties.
BDSM has always and will always be as "soft" or as "hard" as the choosen limits between the participents. 
As for myself a few words about how happy I make them and I'm usually good lol.   I don't need to cuddle or have cookies or any of that.   Tellnig me how much I'm appreciated is enough.  But that's just me :)

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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 2:14:53 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I don't worry about what others do, find acceptable, or need. It's none of my business.

If someone thinks I am soft, or not soft enough..........it really isn't my worry.


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RE: Has BDSM become "soft"? - 9/10/2009 3:28:47 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		If it is true, the sub is kicked to the floor to sleep it off.  Or made to cook dinner.  The masters needs come first. 
If it were otherwise someone might think there were actual people involved instead of roles.  And heck.. who wants that?

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