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Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 10:41:20 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Have you  even been able to spot a sub when going about your normal, everyday activities?

A few days ago we discussed that many doms feel they prefer to be dominant in just about everything that they do. We also concluded that submissives don't, as often, prefer to be submissive across all situations. Some are quite dominant outside of the relationship. Does that make it impossible to find them if they don't speak up and tell you?

What I like to do in bed is not the first thing that I want someone to know about me (and meeting through a website like this, or in a club, makes that the only thing they would know about me, even before our eyes ever meet.) At the same time, I have never met anyone who would compliment my interests while going about my day-to-day business, so I can't count on just stumbling upon someone who would. Or can I?

If I was a dog, I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life. :o)
Is there something else I can do?

(I'm also curious to know if anyone has ever been able to spot a dom, although that might be a tiny bit easier.)

I'm fully aware that clubs and websites would make it easier, but that's not what I'm asking. For example, a long time ago, my Communications professor once explained that gay men usually identify one another with lingering eye contact or by touching the toe or their shoe to the toe of another's shoe and gaging the reaction. I'm thinking along the same lines.

What I'm asking about may come down to subtleties; facial expressions, posture, word choice, etc. I know for sure this isn't something you can find on google. I expect this question will be hard to answer. I expect that not everyone will have something to say right off the bat... This is new territory.
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 10:50:45 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		No.  I make no assumptions about random people in random settings.

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CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:00:05 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'll make hunches.  Someone who puts others' welfare before their own.  Someone who really beams when I praise the work they did. 

I've been wrong, and I've been right, and a lot of times I never know.


_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:00:28 AM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

A few days ago we discussed that many doms feel they prefer to be dominant in just about everything that they do. We also concluded that submissives don't, as often, prefer to be submissive across all situations.


We did? i must have missed that.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:03:22 AM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		Not hard to answer at all......if you were to see me at work or on the outside, you'd never know I was submissive in nature.  I am a very type A person who has been living on my own for too many years to defer to anyone in public.  There is no way anyone would ever guess my nature if they were looking at my mannerisms.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:12:15 AM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		I'm pretty sure the best way to let a potential partner know you are submissive in the bed room is to get to know them as a person and then talk to them about it. I know this wasn't what you were asking, but its going to be a lot easier for you to find a Dom if you go to a munch or something and start to meet people who are into BDSM .Using nonverbal cues in a Vanilla setting to "sniff out Doms might back fire. Men who aren't kinky will still respond to a woman who comes across as a submissive and giving person. It might even make them act more dominant. So you will be thinking "ooh he has responded to my cues. I found a Dom! then you get into the bedroom and say "whip me into submission My Master" and he goes"WHAAAAAT???" and runs.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:26:08 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I usually spot them by following the trail of lettuce, tomatoes, onions and oil and vinegar that they drop as they walk along.





< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 11/3/2009 11:28:18 AM >

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:37:08 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

I usually spot them by following the trail of lettuce, tomatoes, onions and oil and vinegar that they drop as they walk along.






lol.. that made me laguh alot.

I can normally tell if someone is going to be very Dom in bed. Only been wrong about that one once. and even then.. he still takes the lead.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 11:42:52 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline 		i'm not Dominant in any way, but you can't tell just by looking or first time talk. i agree with the above posters, you have to get to know them first.

To look at me and talk to me about normal things, you would never guess i am a sub. my job and responsibilities require me to have a "Dominant personality" but i am not Dominant. Makes sense? lol

< Message edited by Elizabeth666 -- 11/3/2009 11:44:37 AM >

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:02:19 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

I'm pretty sure the best way to let a potential partner know you are submissive in the bed room is to get to know them as a person and then talk to them about it. I know this wasn't what you were asking, but its going to be a lot easier for you to find a Dom if you go to a munch or something and start to meet people who are into BDSM .Using nonverbal cues in a Vanilla setting to "sniff out Doms might back fire. Men who aren't kinky will still respond to a woman who comes across as a submissive and giving person. It might even make them act more dominant. So you will be thinking "ooh he has responded to my cues. I found a Dom! then you get into the bedroom and say "whip me into submission My Master" and he goes"WHAAAAAT???" and runs.


That's both funny and true. Let me start out by saying, I agree that your way is better.
I'm not only MAYBE looking for a way to meet people, having a background in the social sciences, I find the subtle ques that we unknowingly give off each and every day to be among the most interesting things that we do, as people.

And, this is not aimed at you H, I also find it interesting that so many people are resistant to the idea that they may have something in common with other doms or submissives. They're comfortable belonging to a group that was created as part of the bdsm subculture. Then they are comfortable defining themselves as dominant, submissive, slave or master. Then at that point, they have decided there is no more commonality and seem genuinely insulted by the idea that they may ever behave similarly to others with whom they share a personality trait. Why the need to only dwell on the differences?

I love the quirks that make people themselves, that define us each as an individuals, just as much as I love the things that make us similiar. Today I'm focusing on similarities. If you find that offensive, maybe take a minute to contemplate why that is before firing off an answer that has nothing to do with my question.

The discussion I was referring to in my post is this one: >> Ask a Submissive/Slave >> RE: Submissive outside the relationship? Several subs say they always prefer to be submissive while several others say they are dominant outside their relationship. While some dominants say they are circumstances in which they need to submit (like at work) not a single one explained that the prefer to do this outside of the relationship. I'm always looking for new perspectives. If you see something to the contrary, please speak up.

(in reply to Hierodule)
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:07:20 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

No.  I make no assumptions about random people in random settings.


Hmm... Can anyone step in and help here? I'm finding it hard to figure out how to explain the difference between random and subtle to someone who equates the two.

Probably becuase the difference would be subtle to you... while the details make all the difference for me.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:15:27 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		 I posted in that thread. I mentioned that I am submissive outside of my relationship. Maybe you missed my response. I am a career assistant and I think assisting in a creative field is noble work.

I think you missed the point that some of the submissives were trying to make. I think many of them were saying that they are dominant in their careers out of necessity not that they enjoy it or prefer it. The simple fact is: there are not a lot of financially rewarding careers where a submissive personality is an asset. I don't think this means that subs  like to be submissive only in the bedroom while doms prefer to be dominant in everything they do. It just says something about what traits are necessary to succeed in a capitalist society.

< Message edited by Hierodule -- 11/3/2009 12:20:10 PM >

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:16:29 PM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		The vast majority of people are primarily submissive. For example, every employee chooses to submit to the control of their employer as a bargain to get money.

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:25:12 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

No.  I make no assumptions about random people in random settings.


Hmm... Can anyone step in and help here? I'm finding it hard to figure out how to explain the difference between random and subtle to someone who equates the two.

Probably becuase the difference would be subtle to you... while the details make all the difference for me.


I'm pretty sure she meant that no matter what sort of clues a person gives her she doesn't jump to conclusions about their sexual preferences.  She called the setting and the person random, not the cues. And " a random" is a slang for "someone I don't know" in my world. Seeing someone at the laundromat as opposed to a friend at a bondage club is a random person in a random situation


< Message edited by Hierodule -- 11/3/2009 12:28:00 PM >

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:25:15 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'll make hunches.  Someone who puts others' welfare before their own.  Someone who really beams when I praise the work they did. 

I've been wrong, and I've been right, and a lot of times I never know.



THANK YOU! Surely someone on this site once met someone without the help or the internet of clubs. At some point you got hunch that it mgiht be OK to broach the topic.

I guess what I take for granted is that I've already made my peace with the fact that there are no gaurentees in life.  In my opinion, it's not a good enough reason to stick my head up my @ss, but some people feel it's a good excuse to be angry and remain aloof of how the world works.

Thank you for telling me the things that got you thinking maybe I should talk to her about this...

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:32:46 PM   
Cuffkinks


Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

Have you  even been able to spot a sub when going about your normal, everyday activities?




You can take a guess, have a hunch, get a feeling, assume...etc. But there is no way to know for sure until you get to know the person.
I've done all of the above. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes I don't get to find out because I don't get the chance to get to know the person.


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"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:35:16 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

No.  I make no assumptions about random people in random settings.


Hmm... Can anyone step in and help here? I'm finding it hard to figure out how to explain the difference between random and subtle to someone who equates the two.

Probably becuase the difference would be subtle to you... while the details make all the difference for me.


I'm pretty sure she meant that no matter what sort of clues a person gives her she doesn't jump to conclusions about their sexual preferences.  She called the setting and the person random, not the cues. And " a random" is a slang for "someone I don't know" in my world. Seeing someone at the laundromat as opposed to a friend at a bondage club is a random person in a random situation


Thank you.


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Hierodule)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:35:51 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		I heard that loud and clear. It even got me wondering if I would be happy to submit at work if there was someone worth submitting to. I always thought of myself as dominant there. I got the point, I took it to heart. However, I also noticed that many other subs posting saying they do not want to be submissive at work. I noticed the subs had varying opinions. I noticed the doms did not seem to vary on that particular point.

I'm not trying to silence this discussion. I find it interesting. I would however like to move it back to the other thread as it has little to do with my question. I will copy this repsonse there if you want to go on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

I posted in that thread. I mentioned that I am submissive outside of my relationship. Maybe you missed my response. I am a career assistant and I think assisting in a creative field is noble work.

I think you missed the point that some of the submissives were trying to make. I think many of them were saying that they are dominant in their careers out of necessity not that they enjoy it or prefer it. The simple fact is: there are not a lot of financially rewarding careers where a submissive personality is an asset. I don't think this means that subs  like to be submissive only in the bedroom while doms prefer to be dominant in everything they do. It just says something about what traits are necessary to succeed in a capitalist society.

(in reply to Hierodule)
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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:36:03 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		See, I thought you were asking if there were traits that you could affect, or purpossfully incoporate into your body language that would show potential mates that you are, in fact, sexually submissive. I think it was this line that made me think that:

"If I was a dog, I could lay down, roll over and show my belly- but that's not going to work in real life. :o)
Is there something else I can do?"

I feel like DarkSteven was talking about natural personality traits that come through subconciously, effortlessly, that he happened to pick up on.

There is  always going to be subtle body  language that will tell a person all kinds of things about an other's personality. I just don't think adopting new body language that doesn't come naturally to you is an effective way to communicate important things about yourself to a potential mate. I'm sorry. I guess I misunderstood what you were asking.

< Message edited by Hierodule -- 11/3/2009 12:38:58 PM >

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RE: Can you spot a sub? - 11/3/2009 12:39:10 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		OK, so let's take a step back then. Do you not believe that people give off subtle ques that tell you about them at all? Or are you just of the opinion that there could never be any that would tip you off as to their sexual preferences?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

No.  I make no assumptions about random people in random settings.


Hmm... Can anyone step in and help here? I'm finding it hard to figure out how to explain the difference between random and subtle to someone who equates the two.

Probably becuase the difference would be subtle to you... while the details make all the difference for me.


I'm pretty sure she meant that no matter what sort of clues a person gives her she doesn't jump to conclusions about their sexual preferences.  She called the setting and the person random, not the cues. And " a random" is a slang for "someone I don't know" in my world. Seeing someone at the laundromat as opposed to a friend at a bondage club is a random person in a random situation


Thank you.


(in reply to GreedyTop)
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