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Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 4:59:24 PM

LadyAngelika

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I'm curious about two very different approaches to dominance and all the variations in between. I'm not interested in judging which is better, but rather in understanding mindsets and motivations.

I bend. That means I'm adaptive. I don't have a set protocol or rules that boys must follow. In fact, the way in which I'll be dominant with someone will be highly affected by my submissive partner. What I like to do is get into their mind and shake things up in there. This doesn't mean that my partner doesn't have to adapt. But they will in reaction to the course of action I've decided on based on my analysis of how to best dominate them.

I know others who break. They have a very my way or the highway approach to being a dominant. They have a very strict set of requirements, rules, perhaps even rituals. A submissive partner either meets the requirements and conforms, or the deal is broken.

What about you (or your dominant)? Do you bend or break or something in between or something completely different? And most importantly, why?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

Post #: 1

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:16:32 PM

persephonee

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Joined: 12/15/2007
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Master tends to bend....verrrrrry slowly and deliberately. Almost stealthily. Its kind of annoying

.

i have had some limited experience with a person who had just a boatload of protocols, rules, restrictions and the like....i found it nearly impossible to interact on a personal level...which i need in order to figure out if we are compatible...and in the end, all the barriers shooed me away.

i think that in order to maintain a long term arrangement, there needs to be flexibility from both ends of the leash and a lot of cooperation. If he were to impose some stricter protocol now that ive been here a while....then i would adapt to that as well....eventually.
But i dont believe in that whole...its my way or the highway mentality in relation to ending things...If its that easy to break up for a person, then how important was the relationship in the first place? i think a lot of times, Dominants use that language to push the sub's fear of abandonment/fear of rejection/fear of failure button....Master doesnt need to threaten me with ending things in order for me to obey. If he did....he would get very bored, very quickly and move on.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:20:07 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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Nobody is completely one way or the other... just depends on the issue at hand. Some issues, people are flexible... other issues, they're not.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:23:10 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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I bend -- and compel yielding and bending in those who serve me.

I have a structured household with rules and protocols. "So how can you be a 'bend' and not a 'break'?", you say. Well, it's like this; every servant has hir role, but we also pay close attention to those whom we cherish, so that if a situation develops where a servant cannot manage the particular place that xhe's established, we can adjust and adapt to assure that xhe is comfortable and remains successful with us. Rewards and disciplines are individually shaped, and those who serve and those who Keep both share a great deal of diversity, so that there is a continuously shifting sub-current in the household to allow every individual to flourish in the current moment, as well as supporting the overall progress of the House.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:25:40 PM

Underumam

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Joined: 12/18/2008
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After the things that I've been through in life, I bend. The day I break, I'll be dead....

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:39:43 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

After the things that I've been through in life, I bend. The day I break, I'll be dead....

What about her? This thread is about the dominant's approach.

- LA

P.S.: I appreciate the answers to date and want to hold back a reply for a bit longer.

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Underumam)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:42:13 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

I'm curious about two very different approaches to dominance and all the variations in between. I'm not interested in judging which is better, but rather in understanding mindsets and motivations.

I bend. That means I'm adaptive. I don't have a set protocol or rules that boys must follow. In fact, the way in which I'll be dominant with someone will be highly affected by my submissive partner. What I like to do is get into their mind and shake things up in there. This doesn't mean that my partner doesn't have to adapt. But they will in reaction to the course of action I've decided on based on my analysis of how to best dominate them.

I know others who break. They have a very my way or the highway approach to being a dominant. They have a very strict set of requirements, rules, perhaps even rituals. A submissive partner either meets the requirements and conforms, or the deal is broken.

What about you (or your dominant)? Do you bend or break or something in between or something completely different? And most importantly, why?

I don't see how a dominant having a standard that they adhere to can be considered as breaking. Breaking to me implies giving way... not entirely unlike your definition of bending. If having a domination style that is malleable from one submissive to the next works for someone I think that's wonderful but your definitions just seems a little transposed to me.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:52:33 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

I don't see how a dominant having a standard that they adhere to can be considered as breaking. Breaking to me implies giving way... not entirely unlike your definition of bending. If having a domination style that is malleable from one submissive to the next works for someone I think that's wonderful but your definitions just seems a little transposed to me.

Perhaps it is. In my mind, I use breaking in the analogy of rigidity. That is the way I visualise it. And I'm completely open to reconsidering it through discussion, otherwise I would have started a such an inquiry.

As I mention in the disclaimer at the top of my post, I'm not making a judgement call. I'm trying to understand the motivations for each by which I hope to have a better understanding.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:54:00 PM

Underumam

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Lady Angelika, in your first post you said this-"What about you (or your dominant)? Do you bend or break or something in between or something completely different? And most importantly, why?"

I naturally assumed that You were asking me, as a sub.

As for her, She bends, but I very definitely sense a breaking point. I don't want to speak for Her, but I believe that certain life situations we deal with everyday, prevent a strict adherence to any protocol or practices. With the exception of respect/tolerance etc.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:55:14 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Master tends to bend....verrrrrry slowly and deliberately. Almost stealthily. Its kind of annoying.

How is it annoying?

quote:

i have had some limited experience with a person who had just a boatload of protocols, rules, restrictions and the like....i found it nearly impossible to interact on a personal level...which i need in order to figure out if we are compatible...and in the end, all the barriers shooed me away.

I have had boys approaching me wanting very strict preset rules. I want to try to understand the need to give them/receive them. The need is apparently there.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 5:58:01 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

Lady Angelika, in your first post you said this-"What about you (or your dominant)? Do you bend or break or something in between or something completely different? And most importantly, why?"

I naturally assumed that You were asking me, as a sub.

Not that I don't appreciate your opinion Underumam. But the post starts off with I'm curious about two very different approaches to dominance. The reason why I added (or your dominant) was to not exclude the possibility of having submissives answer this in relation to how they perceive their dominant. That perspective is equally valuable.

quote:

As for her, She bends, but I very definitely sense a breaking point. I don't want to speak for Her, but I believe that certain life situations we deal with everyday, prevent a strict adherence to any protocol or practices. With the exception of respect/tolerance etc.

Ok well then I hope she chimes in! :-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Underumam)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 6:00:13 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I bend -- and compel yielding and bending in those who serve me.

I have a structured household with rules and protocols. "So how can you be a 'bend' and not a 'break'?", you say. Well, it's like this; every servant has hir role, but we also pay close attention to those whom we cherish, so that if a situation develops where a servant cannot manage the particular place that xhe's established, we can adjust and adapt to assure that xhe is comfortable and remains successful with us. Rewards and disciplines are individually shaped, and those who serve and those who Keep both share a great deal of diversity, so that there is a continuously shifting sub-current in the household to allow every individual to flourish in the current moment, as well as supporting the overall progress of the House.

Dame Calla

Firstly, I like your use of gender neutral pronouns. Reminds me of reading Kate Bornstein but ze uses ze :-)

Thanks for your contribution. I feel your approach is very similar to mine.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 7:06:30 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

Good question. I guess I bend but one of the Mistresses I am friends with is for sure the other kind because she's really strict and gets what she wants or watch out!! lol

But looks like lots of subs like that about her.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 7:14:27 PM

persephonee

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Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Master tends to bend....verrrrrry slowly and deliberately. Almost stealthily. Its kind of annoying.

How is it annoying?

quote:

i have had some limited experience with a person who had just a boatload of protocols, rules, restrictions and the like....i found it nearly impossible to interact on a personal level...which i need in order to figure out if we are compatible...and in the end, all the barriers shooed me away.

I have had boys approaching me wanting very strict preset rules. I want to try to understand the need to give them/receive them. The need is apparently there.

- LA

LOL, yes, i wasnt suggesting that there are not tons of folks who would absolutely crave that kind of control....i was only giving you my perspective on my response to that much protocol. i think that i can see where there is a need to receive them in much the same way as its rewarding for one to learn an intricate dance step and "master" it, for lack of a better word. There is a success in every well executed command. i get that.

This girl....cant dance, fails miserably at it and forgets the steps as soon as shes done them.....same with intricate protocol....in my experience only.

As for Master's "annoyingly" stealthy overtaking of his slave?....well, thats just lippy-perse hoping he will read what i posted and beat me for it!

He did, however, create a slave out of a staunchly greedy bottom....almost without her knowing about it.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 7:19:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

He's pragmatic. If something isn't getting me to the desired place, he'll try something else.
But I'm not just a submissive partner so throwing me out the moment I can't adapt isn't an option. We're lovers, best friends and a whole lot more.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to persephonee)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 8:04:36 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Perhaps it is. In my mind, I use breaking in the analogy of rigidity. That is the way I visualize it.

That's possible. Like a rigid piece of uncooked spaghetti. It's rigid but breaks under outside pressure.

The opposite is, of course... a wet noodle.

Not necessarily the imagery I had in mind to be attached to my domination style.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 8:18:46 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
Perhaps it is. In my mind, I use breaking in the analogy of rigidity. That is the way I visualize it.

That's possible. Like a rigid piece of uncooked spaghetti. It's rigid but breaks under outside pressure.

The opposite is, of course... a wet noodle. Not necessarily the imagery I had in mind to be attached to my domination style.

Ok... so I'm looking for an alternative word for break. Perhaps "Are you flexible or rigid?" but then I can see all the men telling me how rigid they are! Ha ha!

I'm under the impression that you have a more strict style. Am I right? How would you define it?

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/4/2009 10:45:15 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

Well, i've served a lot of Dommes over the years, and i definitely prefer the "bend" type.

To me, D/s relationships are just like vanilla relationships; each one is different. i've been with Dommes who seem to follow a very strict script regardless of who they are with. i find that rather limiting. It's like bringing baggage into the relationship.

i believe that 90% of the D/s dynamic is mental rather than physical. Since the psyche of each individual is different, each sub/slave will require a slightly different approach to achieve maximum effect.

To me, adapting (or "bending" as you've called it) doesn't diminish a Dom/Domme. It doesn't make them any less dominant. Rather, it makes them more effective.

(BTW, i agree that the use of the word "break" was probably a mistake. It seems to have a negative connotation which people are getting caught up on).

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 12/4/2009 10:48:42 PM >

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/5/2009 2:02:30 AM

cagliostro

Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

OP: I have what I refer to as laws and rules. Rules can be bent. Laws cannot. Laws are things like don't cheat on me. Break one, and you're out. Rules when broken receive correction. But I won't remove them from my life. I guess it's like a scale. Some things are over that line, some are not. And usually they're negotiated, so which is which, is usually clear.

I feel, however, that ignoring either (which I define as breaking them without consequence) just encourages misbehavior. Personally I don't do that. I feel that in the end it is less work to simply stick to them.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you bend or break? - 12/5/2009 2:18:46 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Perhaps "Are you flexible or rigid?"

My character isn't easily pigeon-holed. In some areas I'm an extremely patient person while in other areas I have little tolerance - and I suppose this has some bearing on when and where I'm rigid or flexible. Using two every day examples - if I judge that someone is trying their best with something then I have all the patience in the world for that and will adopt a flexible approach - on the other hand if someone is interrupting my morning cup of tea and reading of the newspapers with inane small talk then I just can't tolerate that under no circumstances and I will set my dog on her no questions asked (it's trained to go for an arm and rip it off).

At a macro level....there are certain things that really matter to me and I'm rigid in the sense that they have to be in the relationship.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 20

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