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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:16:01 AM   
cloudboy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have always wondered how much of this stems from, abuse, neglect, mental illness and/or unreconciled or untreated traumas from one's past.

Seems an incredibly prevalent theme.


This theme became a heavy one world-wide around 5/2/2006.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 3/2/2010 9:19:13 AM >

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:18:43 AM   
Frankseas


Posts: 61
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		Slave is a state of mind. If the thought doesnt bother you about being one and controlled by another then chances are you will make a decent slave. If there are doubts then try being a sub first, just a suggestion of course for you to think about!

"Slave or Slave Not" young Jedi

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:19:33 AM   
Lorenzo19


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quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.

< Message edited by Lorenzo19 -- 3/2/2010 9:20:35 AM >

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:31:22 AM   
heartfeltsub


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Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have always wondered how much of this stems from, abuse, neglect, mental illness and/or unreconciled or untreated traumas from one's past.

Seems an incredibly prevalent theme.


i have dealt with abuse, neglect in the past. Have been through treatment to deal with my past, mostly dealt with. NO mental illness. But thanks for asking.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:34:10 AM   
SimplyMichael


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating.


Companionship is wonderful, loneliness is a state of mind. If you can only do well when you have a partner, you can't flourish without one so you have a choice of languishing or settling. Frankly, I find both of those concepts objectionable and not something I want to be saddled with. Besides, on a purely practical point, if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise. Considering my history, that possibility is rather enticing!

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:37:51 AM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true.


_____________________________

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

—Baruch Spinoza

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

—Pittacus

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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:38:53 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

quote:

However for me, I struggle when I DON'T have that person in my life I find it at times a struggle to refocus on issues as well, which is why I do better IN a relationship than when I don't. However, that isn't entirely healthy, actually I guess it isn't healthy at all.


Sorry, I couldnt let that pass. The unhealthy bit. Where did you get that diagnosis? Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart?
Dont be fooled by the drool of those idiots. Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating.


Companionship is wonderful, loneliness is a state of mind. If you can only do well when you have a partner, you can't flourish without one so you have a choice of languishing or settling. Frankly, I find both of those concepts objectionable and not something I want to be saddled with. Besides, on a purely practical point, if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise. Considering my history, that possibility is rather enticing!



Some bolding added by me.

That is the point of this whole thread for me. To make myself as whole as possible as an individual so that i am a even better partner when i am in a relationship. This whole thread is about facing some issues that i see in myself that are still unresolved.

Thank you all again for your comments.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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Profile   Post #: 127
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:40:36 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true.



Wanted to second these comments, by NZ. i agree with them whole heartedly.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Dominasola)
Profile   Post #: 128
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 9:59:40 AM   
Dominasola


Posts: 582
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Ottawa, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

by NZ



Not NZ.  

But thanks!


_____________________________

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn human actions, but to understand them.

—Baruch Spinoza

The measure of a man is what he does with power.

—Pittacus

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 129
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:00:22 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19

Humans are social creatures. We always do better with companionship. Loneliness is dibilitating. Except for those few who live in a shack on top of a mountain.

these TV idiots would have us think being alone in the world is some kind of virtue or character strength. pooey.


But if you have a "need" to always be with someone, you could find yourself in an even MORE debilitating situation with someone who abuses you or neglects you...simply because you can't function properly on your own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

if I flourish when I am alone then I will attract an even better partner than I would otherwise.



I've always believed this to be very true.



Wanted to second these comments, by NZ. i agree with them whole heartedly.

heartfelt

I'll take a shot at third-ing it.

~TheSniper


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(in reply to heartfeltsub)
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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:02:49 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominasola

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

by NZ



Not NZ.  

But thanks!


It's okay, Kitten.

I'll take credit for the praise.

*pet*




_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Profile   Post #: 131
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:11:22 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Heartfelt,

This has been one of the better and more enlightening discussions I have read in ages and reminds me why I enjoyed CM so much.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 132
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:11:30 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Just to add a bit of my own:

The concept of "needing" requires a greater vulnerability, so the potential for greater danger and damage is obviously coupled to it. However, there are all kinds of things in life that we "need". When it comes to using that term with other humans, however, we're perhaps prone to be a bit more critical because of how ephemeral most relationships are.

In the end, though, unless we are a biological exception to the rule, the human animal is a creature whose life is directed by the seeking of partnership and synergy. It is perhaps not a universal "need", but it's pretty close. The trick, of course, is to find the best way to acquire what you need without undue harm...but, then again, people usually don't step into things they think will end harmfully. Which means the situation gets reduced to understanding reality and understanding yourself and adopting realistic expectations to the decisions you make.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 3/2/2010 10:12:33 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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Profile   Post #: 133
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:20:27 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry i realized that after i sent it. Thank you Dominasola, i whole heartedly agree with your sentiment.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to Dominasola)
Profile   Post #: 134
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:26:55 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		There is a huge difference between doing the internal work to be fully functional on your own and being co-dependant so that you NEED someone to be fully functional.

Or to put it in "relationship math" one is:

1/2 + 1 = 1.5

and the other is

1 + 1 = 3

(in reply to NihilusZero)
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RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:38:01 AM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		The biggest key to success in this is realizing the actual motivations and intent you both have before going in. And cutting through the bullshit you use to justify it.

Which is why I just shake my head at the romantical fantasy aspects so often expoused by "The true D/s relationship" crowd.

People are shifting individuals-some made up set of codes and rituals are not going to save you from making decent choices.

Only intelligence,a degree of compassion and a rock solid foundation in reality is going to give you those needful coping skills.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

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Profile   Post #: 136
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:43:35 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

There is a huge difference between doing the internal work to be fully functional on your own and being co-dependant so that you NEED someone to be fully functional.

Yes and no.

There is a night-and-day difference for those who have not yet found a situation that is likely to be constant.

There is no discernible difference if the two people are already in such a situation.

We're measuring the danger of "need" proportionally to the threat of the needed thing disappearing. Yet, at the same time, we fully empathize and support the idea of furthering the depth of emotional bonds between people in relationships.

For a couple who has been together for decades, to have one of the partners suddenly fall ill and die...what person would be "fully functional" in any real sense after suffering that (since I presume you're including the emotional facet in "fully")?

What are we exactly saying by "fully functional" anyway? We are all just big sound-boards with knobs and switches set at different positions. We all have varying needs. To be alive is, to one degree or another, to be dependent.

The only solid concern I can drum up is whether someone becomes so psychologically crippled by the loss of a need that suicide becomes a recurring prevalent mindset. Otherwise, it's just a matter of one person needing a wider support center than the next.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Or to put it in "relationship math" one is:

1/2 + 1 = 1.5

and the other is

1 + 1 = 3

There are no "half people"; there are people who we each might think would be a detractor to us in a relationship. For instance, my relationships would be severely compromised with someone who "needed" a heavy concept of theism in their daily lives. It might certainly affect the yield of our relationship (in quality and time), but it doesn't make them any different really.

I suppose a decent analogy (perhaps catering to my geeky side) is that, rather than integers, we are all dice. In some situations we roll higher than others and contribute more to the sum of the coupling, but we are each still 1 die.

(Alright, the analogy was kinda iffy, but I can't muster a better one at the moment...)

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 3/2/2010 10:45:34 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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Profile   Post #: 137
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:46:13 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Just to add a bit of my own:

The concept of "needing" requires a greater vulnerability, so the potential for greater danger and damage is obviously coupled to it. However, there are all kinds of things in life that we "need". When it comes to using that term with other humans, however, we're perhaps prone to be a bit more critical because of how ephemeral most relationships are.

In the end, though, unless we are a biological exception to the rule, the human animal is a creature whose life is directed by the seeking of partnership and synergy. It is perhaps not a universal "need", but it's pretty close. The trick, of course, is to find the best way to acquire what you need without undue harm...but, then again, people usually don't step into things they think will end harmfully. Which means the situation gets reduced to understanding reality and understanding yourself and adopting realistic expectations to the decisions you make.


Exactly. While most people won't enter a relationship that they think will add badly, in my opinion, a smart person, which i hope to be and hope i am, deals with internal issues that might cause a relationship to end. Which in my case is the emotional distancing and hiding that i have done in the past that as i said in the OP wouldn't be allowed if i am ever a slave.

Thanks for the reply.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 138
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:51:58 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Yes there have been some wonderful replies, thank you all for each one.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 139
RE: Afraid To Be A Slave - 3/2/2010 10:52:48 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Exactly. While most people won't enter a relationship that they think will add badly, in my opinion, a smart person, which i hope to be and hope i am, deals with internal issues that might cause a relationship to end. Which in my case is the emotional distancing and hiding that i have done in the past that as i said in the OP wouldn't be allowed if i am ever a slave.

Thanks for the reply.

heartfelt

That is certainly a functional method of dealing with it, yes. And, if it fits you comfortably, you should definitely be using it.

I'd only be concerned that it seems similar to the sort of mindset of someone who has just come out of a bad breakup saying: "I don't want to get hurt again so I'm never again getting into any sort of serious relationship."

Or, perhaps you'll just find yourself finding in a situation, like many do, that slowly grinds away your armor with consistency until you wake up one day and think to yourself: "Holy crap! I am a slave (in terms of boundaries, anymore)!" and realize that you're just fine with it because you've developed that comfortable a bond with your partner.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 3/2/2010 10:53:29 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 140
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