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Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:00:17 AM   
NervousGrrl


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline 		Hi, I'm just curious about how I should deal with my feelings regarding my relationship with my dom who is also about to be my husband. Right now, we rely mainly on my money to get by. I have a structured annuity which is not funded by my father but was basically.. arranged by my father (long story) for the purpose of paying for me to go to college. It turns out I'm not the college type, but my partner and dom is, and my father wants the money to go to him to pay for his college. (lets call my dom Eric)

I'm okay with that because the job I have does not pay much and I know one of us needs to go to school. Next year he will graduate with his degree, and get a good job, and no longer need to rely on the annuity.

He works almost full time and goes to school full time, so he's hardly sitting on his ass, meanwhile I only work part time and don't go to school and don't make much, it's not like I earned this annuity, but when we are using what I imagine to be MY money to pay for our apartment and school and bills (he contributes all of what he makes at work, but still we mostly rely on the annuity) I get these ideas in my head that I shouldn't have to submit because we are using my money blah blah blah.

It's hard for him emotionally too to not be the provider yet, so we don't talk about it much. Next year when he graduates this problem will be behind us, but how do we deal with it now? How do I stay humble and not let it get to my head?
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:11:17 AM   
thelustfulsub


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/5/2010
Status: offline 		I think the important thing here is if you trust him. I know a lot of girls who support their boyfriend/fiance/husband while he goes to school in order to get a better job with the understanding that when he does she will quit and go back to school. But when that time comes around it never happens and they split, meaning that he got a free education and she got screwed.

If you trust your Dom to not do this to you then I am wondering why it bothers you that it is your annuity paying for his schooling.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:18:57 AM   
blueeyedbbwsub


Posts: 435
Joined: 12/9/2009
Status: offline 		I financially supported 2 Doms right into my own financial destruction. Did I trust them to pay me back as was promised? Yes. Did they do so? No. Should i have seen it coming? Hindsight is 20/20.

I've also lent money to friends over the years and have never been paid back. People who use others see I'm a softy. They take advantage because I let them. I've cured myself of that habit because I just can't afford it.

Everyone is different, depends on how much you trust him. What happened to me was my own silly-ass fault. I'm sure others have had more positive experiences.

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(in reply to thelustfulsub)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:30:07 AM   
NervousGrrl


Posts: 7
Joined: 4/19/2010
Status: offline 		Oh, it isn't a trust thing at all. We will be married very soon, so I know he isn't going anywhere. We've also been together a very long time, and I definitely, definitely trust him.

It's a pride thing. I get full of this uncomfortable pride feeling that I absolutely hate and makes me miserable, it makes me feel like I should have power because we are relying on my money. What I need to know is how to kill that wicked little thought.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:34:25 AM   
ReginaMirus


Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		Speaking from 20+ years adult experience...

Let us know how that works out. I've yet to EVER see that arrangement work in the female's favor, but you may be a first. I'm willing to accept that I may be dead wrong.

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:39:53 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		You can't kill that thought, all you can do is accept it, and then forgive yourself for it.

As you're aware, as long as your annuity is paying for his school you will have that little thought in your head from time to time.  You can't force it out, all you can do is say, "well, yes, this is happening, but that's ok, i'm happy with the way things are and i'm happy with him" and then make the choice to not let it bother you, and just be happy with the way things are.

Sometimes the key to being happy is simply asking yourself, "Can i be happy with the way things are exactly as they are right now, with no changes?"  And if the answer is yes, then do that.  Just be happy and accept that no time in your life is ever going to be perfect, but it's ok, because things are still wonderful.

Good luck to you!

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to NervousGrrl)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:40:03 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Don't. Life is hard enough without adding to it.
If you are not married you shouldn't be supporting anyone but yourself.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:47:12 AM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		Let him be your husband, but a pre-nup is your friend.

(in reply to NervousGrrl)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:48:03 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NervousGrrl
I get these ideas in my head that I shouldn't have to submit because we are using my money blah blah blah.
I totally agree. Take heart. You are 100% correct. You should NOT have to submit because of money in any sense whatsoever. Is money really your reason for submitting? I'm guessing not. This sounds to me more like a problem of internal discipline with money just being the scapegoat. You either believe that submitting to him is best for you or you do not. Which is it?

Insofar as the rest of your post, everything you have said about "Eric" is that he is not a lazy shiftless bastard. He works hard to contribute to the household both in the short-term and the longer-term. Even your father, apparently, thinks Eric is a stand-up kind of guy. So I see no secondary issues here either.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NervousGrrl)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:55:23 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Men don't think twice about it supporting women that is single, married makes no difference.  Why are you?  It's refreshing to see the shoe on the other foot.  .    From what you have described he sounds like a good guy. 

BadOne



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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to reynardfox)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:57:53 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub

Let him be your husband, but a pre-nup is your friend.


Why are you so bitter?

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(in reply to brainiacsub)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 11:59:16 AM   
monywildcat


Posts: 452
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		I am just wondering why Dom "Eric" isn't able to find student loans, grants, or other means of paying for his education.  Given the economy, it might be incredibly difficult to find employment in his chosen field after graduation.  I have had many a server at my favorite restaurants and "greasy spoons" that are still searching, and graduation was a long time ago for them.

Using this annuity to pay for living expenses is one thing.  After all, you use the electricity, you sleep in the apartment, you eat the food too.  But for the education costs of someone else, when you yourself acknowledged that one of you needs to do something?  Why can't that person be you?  A traditional four-year university education may not be for you, but there are alternatives. 

Okay, enough for the things that you may want to consider about this arrangement you have.  As for the struggle with staying humble, UniqueRaven was right in that these thoughts are going to come up from time to time.  For me personally (in a similar situation but for us, it's a case of we are both struggling with unemployment but thank goodness my savings is quite literally saving our butts) I have had to make a conscious decision that whenever I started to feel any resentment, I am to take a deep breath.  Tell myself that it's okay, this situation is temporary.  He is still Oh Great OrneryFace, and is still in charge. 

Best of luck to you!  I'm sure many would like to hear how all this pans out. 

_____________________________

Major Life Change Necessitates Personal Reinvention...

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:11:39 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff


quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub

Let him be your husband, but a pre-nup is your friend.


Why are you so bitter?

LOL...I'm not bitter, I'm a realist. And like SailingBum, this issue is sex neutral to me. Unfortunately, it tends to affect women disproportionately more negative than it does men. But if a person is going to make such a significant financial sacrifice for the benefit of another, then turnabout is fair play. If the shoe were on the other sex, my advice would be the same.

BTW, I see this issue as something very different than the sacrifice and compromise we make daily in a healthy relationship. We aren't entitled to retribution when a thing goes south.

(in reply to Jeffff)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:16:15 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Well...There goes another retirement plan..............

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to brainiacsub)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:19:53 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		What...domi took all your money? You want me to become the head of your poly household so I can support both of your dumb asses?

(in reply to Jeffff)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:22:13 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I am so going to plant a video camera in that house

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This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:23:25 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Me personally?  I never lend money.  That's not to say I've never given friends and family money, because I have.  I just never consider it a loan, because loans are expected to be paid back.  When I am blessed to have money to help my friends and family out, and the money returns; I think of it as a blessing returned.  If it is never returned, then I just consider it a blessing paid forward.

In my opinion, the annuity isn't your money.  It was money that your father set aside, to help provide for your economic future.  If your father believes that paying for your Dom/Fiance' to go to college is a good investment, in YOUR future, then perhaps you should honor your father's wishes and insight in this?  He was certainly responsible enough to plan for your future education, and he seems to approve of the partner your choose to spend your life with.  Spending the annuity on your future husband's educatioin would seem to me to be usiing the annuity in the spirit in which it was intended.

How do you stay humble, and not let it go to your head?  Rethink how you look at income and 'ownership'.  At the very least, it couldn't hurt to stop thinking "mine mine mine."  Not an easy task, because there can be a definite struggle between surrender and self-preservation.  Best wishes in your growth.

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 4/19/2010 1:26:43 PM >

(in reply to brainiacsub)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:24:16 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am just going to visit............and watch.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:28:10 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brainiacsub

What...domi took all your money? You want me to become the head of your poly household so I can support both of your dumb asses?



I can think of nothing more submissive than you supporting the both of us.

What a good girl!

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to brainiacsub)
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RE: Financially supporting your dom? Advice? - 4/19/2010 1:29:54 PM   
brainiacsub


Posts: 1209
Joined: 11/11/2007
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline 		As long as I don't have to blow you...fine.

< Message edited by brainiacsub -- 4/19/2010 1:32:11 PM >

(in reply to Jeffff)
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