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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 5:07:13 PM   
pogo4pres


Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sorry folks, but the fact of the matter is that sex is not a need.  It's a want.  To the best of My knowledge, there is not any scientific proof that sex with another person makes any difference in higher physical health than masturbation.  Celibacy is not a death sentence.  If it were, military spouses would be dropping off like flies when active duty members were deployed.  Personally, I'm not dead yet and neither is anyone else who, for various reasons, doesn't have an active sex life for a period of time.





And now for a word from my late mother on the topic of sex.  Mom once said to me "Andrew, no matter what is wrong in the relationship, no matter how bad it is, if the sex is good the relationship is salvageable, but if the sex is lousy, no matter how good every thing else is, you're probably in a doomed relationship". 

Mom told me that about 25 years ago, when I was going through a period of self imposed celibacy.   Seems the older I get the more I find Mom was right about shit.

Back to the topic at hand (literally), I have NEVER cheated on my wife, unless you count my (right) hand.  Now having said that what do you do if like me your wife's hormones are fucked up from years of depo provera for birth control, and it has killed ALL of her sex drive?  Any one got any ideas??





Sexually,
Some Knucklehead in NJ











edited because this stupid chat does not underfuckingstand the ampersand symbol


< Message edited by pogo4pres -- 8/26/2010 5:09:12 PM >

_____________________________

"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 5:20:17 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		Get a vasectomy? &, yes, I'm being serious.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pogo4pres

Back to the topic at hand (literally), I have NEVER cheated on my wife, unless you count my (right) hand.  Now having said that what do you do if like me your wife's hormones are fucked up from years of depo provera for birth control, and it has killed ALL of her sex drive?  Any one got any ideas??

Sexually,
Some Knucklehead in NJ

edited because this stupid chat does not underfuckingstand the ampersand symbol



(in reply to pogo4pres)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 5:22:28 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Get a vasectomy? &, yes, I'm being serious.



This

(in reply to DemonKia)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 6:00:36 PM   
pogo4pres


Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella


quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Get a vasectomy? &, yes, I'm being serious.



This


Demon, Elisa, all ready did the "snip-snip" like 8 or so years ago, to get her off the depo.  Since one of the less known side effects when she started was the accumulation of weight when you consume caffeine, she has packed on some serious weight.   She was and is a coffee junkie.  Regardless of her weight I still want to "nail" her nearly every night, she is pretty much sexually oblivious.   I do not wish to screw around, but, I feel like I am running out of options.




Sexually,
Some Knucklehead in NJ


_____________________________

"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

(in reply to Elisabella)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 6:07:05 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		Pogo do you want some advice or do you just want to vent? I'm not being snarky, I just don't want to respond with a wall of advice that's unwanted.

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Profile   Post #: 105
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 6:21:57 PM   
SubPet715


Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Pogo do you want some advice or do you just want to vent? I'm not being snarky, I just don't want to respond with a wall of advice that's unwanted.


Feels like venting or that he is seeking validation for actions he himself has already deemed acceptable.

Sort of like giving a long explanation and then adding, am I right? You already feel you are right, you just want to be told that you're right because it makes a hard decision that much more justified. Not trying to be a jerk really but if you want any real advice I would always say communication is key, too many relationships get ruined because no one says anything for fear of what response they may get.

(in reply to Elisabella)
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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 6:32:30 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		Yes pogo, can you not speak to your wife from the heart of the man that loves her, and tell her how you feel? What we say is of little or no value. Your marriage is about the two of you, and it is therein that you will find your answers. You sound like a good husband who genuinely gives a damn, and I wish you the best of luck.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 6:41:35 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		FR

If she's been off the Depo for 8 years, that is most likely not the problem. Obviously, go to the MD & check to make sure any physical causes of loss of libido are taken care of.

If there's underlying issues that could be dealt with in individual &/or couple's therapy, then you'll need to do that, get to work on the emotional / mental / emotional / relationship stuff . . . .

The weight gain can have anti-aphrodisiac properties, in my experience. So, too, can depression. & anti-depressants can suppress sexual desire, fwtw.

Make sure there is enough time & energy to have the kind of sex that she wants to have . . .. . . & if y'all are living the typical all-American workaholic lifestyle, getting too little sleep, working & commuting long hours, that's kinda libido killing in & of itself . . . . . . If she works & then comes home to household chores she may have literally no energy left to feel sexy, much less want sex, ya know?

There are whole libraries of how-to books on this stuff, how to keep a relationship alive & vibrant & thriving. & ministers & psych types alike who'll do couple's counseling & who know a lot about how to make relationships work . . . . . I sometime get the sense in these kinds of discussions that sometimes for some it's easier to 'have affairs' & whatever than to actually treat the relationship seriously & do what it takes to make it work, so I get kinda bitchy about the subject, it's true. I have a kinda shit-or-get-off-the-pot mentality about this stuff -- either do what it takes or stfu & move on . . ... .

< Message edited by DemonKia -- 8/26/2010 6:43:29 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 108
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 8:40:17 PM   
pogo4pres


Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Pogo do you want some advice or do you just want to vent? I'm not being snarky, I just don't want to respond with a wall of advice that's unwanted.
      



Elisa, I guess it was more of a vent than anything, I'll not resort to cheating, it is just not my style.  When it comes to the "fairer sex" I am quite a bit like my late father in that he was quite the milquetoast with women.  The last thing I want from life is to emulate my parents who after they divorced (when I was 6)  each ended up in assorted affairs and most likely passed away both alone (which in the end we all do), and lonely.  It is the lonely part that gets to me.

I swore as a kid I'd never put my kids through the horrors of divorce, and with one kid 17 and the other 18 now I have almost fulfilled that promise to myself.   In the end we all have to live with decisions we have made / make / have yet to make, and in my 20's I decided to be an amoral son-of-a-bitch.  Perhaps karma does exist and I am getting what I deserve for the bad decisions of my youth. 

To everyone else especially SorceressJ and Demon , I appreciate the input greatly, I just gotta keep on keepin' on I suppose.




Somewhat regretfully,
Some Knucklehead in NJ



P.S. I've nuked this thread enough if anyone wants to; feel free to e-mail me here on CM, I've vented enough in a public forum.


_____________________________

"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

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Profile   Post #: 109
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 8:54:38 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pogo4pres

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella


quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Get a vasectomy? &, yes, I'm being serious.




Pogo can you help me understand something. I drink back coffee all day, it's keeps me wired and kills my appetite, it's a stimulant. Are you sure caffience is causing weight gain> It's just nothing I have beard of.


Demon, Elisa, all ready did the "snip-snip" like 8 or so years ago, to get her off the depo.  Since one of the less known side effects when she started was the accumulation of weight when you consume caffeine, she has packed on some serious weight.   She was and is a coffee junkie.  Regardless of her weight I still want to "nail" her nearly every night, she is pretty much sexually oblivious.   I do not wish to screw around, but, I feel like I am running out of options.




Sexually,
Some Knucklehead in NJ




_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to pogo4pres)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 9:17:53 PM   
pogo4pres


Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88

Pogo can you help me understand something. I drink back coffee all day, it's keeps me wired and kills my appetite, it's a stimulant. Are you sure caffeine is causing weight gain> It's just nothing I have beard of.




Depo Provera is a hormonally acting birth control, it is also used in the "chemical castration" of serial rapists.  Coffee and other high caffeine beverages have been shown to increase weight retention in users of depo.

This is really an added benefit in the case of serial rapists as it will make them so corpulent that it will take them just about the rest of their lives to ever get into condition where they can go back to being a rapist.

In some one like my wife though it is not such a good thing, and I know how excess weight can affect the libido, since I used to weigh 272 lbs in the mid 90's.  Like I said in an earlier post e-mail me I have hi-jacked the thread enough already




Somewhat regretfully,
Some Knucklehead in NJ




_____________________________

"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/26/2010 10:07:06 PM   
GingerGirl4USA


Posts: 28
Joined: 8/18/2010
Status: offline 		I like the statement ...by the person who is poly... I too would rather not get serious with a maried man unless his partner knows. Not that I would judge others ...but its just not the right fit for me. I am a submissive poly ..or just submissive. most of my life I had been open to having a sister wife..and being ok with it..at one time I was there ..and what I see so often is the Dom in the relationship who doesnt have the ability to be fully honest in his soul with his sub, cant expect that in return nor double the responsibility.   

(in reply to hertz)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 12:48:11 AM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I don't like aiding and abetting cheaters. It leaves, metaphorically speaking, a bad taste in my mouth.

I will happily send an email or give a letter to someone who has permission from his wife, but who doesn't want to know. Explaining that I understand they have this arrangement, but as she knows, men can be liars when they think with the little head, and so just for my own peace of mind I need to hear it from her in person. If she really does have this arrangement, she will meet me or call me. We'll establish parameters, and that will be that, she won't hear from me again unless, you know, he has a heart attack at my house or something.

Otherwise, sorry, no. We're going to be friends first. You can take me to meet her if she is paralyzed with ALS, or dealing with cancer. So that I know your story is true. And then I'll decide that special circumstance from there. But otherwise, no.

As I put it to someone else, "Lying guarantees that when she finds out, you lose the wife and the kids and your nice life. Telling her may well mean you lose it, true...but if you do it right and your marriage is strong, you can have a wife...and the cruel mistress you want. And who knows, you might discover your wife IS the cruel mistress you wanted." 

We all have to do what we feel right with.


_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 2:09:48 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		since some people had such fun picking my post apart i'll add some more of my musings... i have not changed my mind about my ideas eventhough obviously people try to make me see their truth haha

i think that when you are in a relationship you have a duty to keep it healthy; sexually aswell as about other- less important- things
i think that when one of the people in the relationship has gone off sex for some reason for a longer than reasonably acceptable time and they seem unwilling to change their attitude or improvise, they should live with the consequences...
and the consequences are that they most likely will be resented, maybe left and quite likely cheated on with or without their knowledge

i think if you expect your partner to remain faithful you have to satisfy them sexually, if you do not put the effort in you will lose your best friend eventually

pogo: make a weekly sex date (not necessarily fucking) with your wife (or once a fourth night to start with), do not allow to let her find 'excuses' to cancel: she has a duty to you... understand that the first so many times of this 'forced' sexual stuff will be frought with anxiety... try to relax but keep at it... it is difficult to get the engine started again.

some people cheat because they just can't help themselves... the thrill of the conquest and all that palava... these people might find themselves being resented and left and eventually cheated on themselves aswell...

i never thought i could be faithful... i had bad examples (lousy excuse i know) i would of course never say at the start of any relationship that i might just fuck somebody else because of a flimsy fleeting attack of  hornyness... but i thought the likelihood that i was such a slapper was very real...
as it turns out i managed to remain faithful(ish) ... had some dabbling with cyber (not real really) and i took up dancing.... with many men... very hot, crotch to crotch sort of stuff.... takes care of my itch haha
and also i often fantasize that i am fucking with other people

I know some people might think i lack in morals and even might get so upset that they call me names... i think these people are narrowminded

People cheat... i have good friends that have cheated and been cheated on... my parents cheated... i have been cheated on, so has my Husband
cheating is part of life. People are cheaters, even if it is not physically sexual, they cheat with other things, we simply can't help ourselves.


(in reply to pogo4pres)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 2:23:08 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		I've never cheated, not on a partner, not on A math test, not on my chores, a game, my taxes, anything not even a diet....

Your claims might make you feel better that everyone does it its okay, but not everyone does, not everyones mind set allows for it. And you can come up with a million things that are cheating, but I never have and never will my moral code won't allow it.

Please don't use broad generalizations to paint everyone with your shade of grey, that's why your post was 'picked appart'.... I don't like your shade of grey it doesn't suit me.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 8:48:45 AM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		Sorry, wrong on both counts.

You can think whatever you want .. . .

&

I don't cheat, have affairs, sneak around, or any of that. Never found it needful. I am honest to a fault, only have open / poly relationships, & am pretty devoted & unifocal in my affections . . ....

If you have a problem with always cheating in your relationships & always ending up in relationships with other cheaters, well, you have a problem . . . .

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
since some people had such fun picking my post apart i'll add some more of my musings... i have not changed my mind about my ideas eventhough obviously people try to make me see their truth haha

...

People cheat... i have good friends that have cheated and been cheated on... my parents cheated... i have been cheated on, so has my Husband
cheating is part of life. People are cheaters, even if it is not physically sexual, they cheat with other things, we simply can't help ourselves.


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 12:18:26 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

ED which can be treated with meds and still doesn't impact his ability to use his hands and mouth and toys is a far cry from Lou Gehrig's Disease where the patient is totally incapable of doing anything including holding hands.

I've known two men whose wives suffered from this. They still worked to pay the bills including the full time nursing care, they did all the work and took their share nursing her. Do I fault them from finding comfort and respite in someone else's arms once a week? Hell no. But telling their wives about this, knowing she couldn't talk to express her feelings? That would be slime in my view.

If the existing partner will not meet any intimacy needs, not sex, not hand holding, not hugs, not even sleep in the same bed. Then they deserve to reap what they sow.


Perhaps you don't mean for it to sound this way, but are you really saying that someone with ALS is reaping what they've sown? Cuz, wow, harsh . ... .


Therein lies the difference between "will not" and "can not". If you can't, you can't. If you won't somebody else will.


_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to DemonKia)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 1:27:46 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		Nice try, but her original words still sound creepy, mean, & thoughtless . .. . Spin 'em all you want, but the unavoidable implication of her words to me, as written in her scenario, is the partner with ALS is recalcitrant or that the two never considered that whole 'in sickness' part of the contract or other not-so-fabulous stuff . . . .. .

See, for me, it is 'in sickness & in health' or there's no real point. I'd be better off hiring love if the unpaid sort's just gonna chase after good times when the going gets tough . .. . .

& Des really stuck herself cuz she represents as being all monogamous & committed & etc, forever & ever, in many other postings all over the place here . . .. . .

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

ED which can be treated with meds and still doesn't impact his ability to use his hands and mouth and toys is a far cry from Lou Gehrig's Disease where the patient is totally incapable of doing anything including holding hands.

I've known two men whose wives suffered from this. They still worked to pay the bills including the full time nursing care, they did all the work and took their share nursing her. Do I fault them from finding comfort and respite in someone else's arms once a week? Hell no. But telling their wives about this, knowing she couldn't talk to express her feelings? That would be slime in my view.

If the existing partner will not meet any intimacy needs, not sex, not hand holding, not hugs, not even sleep in the same bed. Then they deserve to reap what they sow.


Perhaps you don't mean for it to sound this way, but are you really saying that someone with ALS is reaping what they've sown? Cuz, wow, harsh . ... .


Therein lies the difference between "will not" and "can not". If you can't, you can't. If you won't somebody else will.



(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 3:21:30 PM   
FetishRose


Posts: 212
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline 		If for some reason I became severely ill, with anything...my partner would have full and utter rights to pursue a sexual relationship.  I'd want to meet the girl, yes, and I'd want it understood that it was just going to be a sex thing. While sex is very important to me, if I could for some reason no longer engage in it, I would still want him to be fulfilled in that way, so that I may continue to fulfill everything else for him.

Now, addressing the actual topic...I have been cheated on numerous times, by every single romantic partner I've had (minus the current).  It's a horrible feeling.  If I had entered into play with someone and found out they were attached and didn't tell me...I'd be gone.  I'd probably inform their partner as well, respectfully, if I could.  I would apologize for being the other woman, explain I did not know, and would never speak to the unfaithful person again.


_____________________________

Rose-y Pose-y, Puddin' Pie. Kissed Some Dommes and Made Them Cry.

(in reply to DemonKia)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/27/2010 3:25:43 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia
Nice try, but her original words still sound creepy, mean, & thoughtless . .. . Spin 'em all you want, but the unavoidable implication of her words to me... (blah blah blah)


No spin. "Will not" equals refusal. Refusal begets cheating. I don't care about what Des said and I'm not talking about ALS. If you don't want to fuck me anymore - fine. Don't bitch when I find someone who will.




_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to DemonKia)
Profile   Post #: 120
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