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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 4:58:38 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Sorry, wrong on both counts.

You can think whatever you want .. . .

&

I don't cheat, have affairs, sneak around, or any of that. Never found it needful. I am honest to a fault, only have open / poly relationships, & am pretty devoted & unifocal in my affections . . ....

If you have a problem with always cheating in your relationships & always ending up in relationships with other cheaters, well, you have a problem . . . .



No DemonKia, i am not wrong...
and indeed i can think what ever i want, so i think i am right instead

i think it is brilliant that there are people who think that they are totally honest, and they have the total right to think that about themselves of course... as i have the right to think that they are fibbing... or deluded

nobody knows what they will be doing in the future... nobody is totally honest about all their past... it is all peoples personal speculation of their personal truth and everybody has their personal excuses for every personal slip or twist.

Also i have no problem with cheating
... i used to have a problem with cheating... my problem with it mainly was that i did not know that i could be faithful... which made me feel like i was a bit of a freak and untrustworthy even before i committed any 'crime'... i have no such mental knots anymore.

As a side note, i also think the people who feel it is their duty to inform the unknowing partner in the marriage of cheating going on has to be very sure they are making the right decision... it might be appreciated, then again they might make an awful big mistake

oh, and as a last comment: if i was going to cheat and the person i intended to do the deed with wanted to talk to my Husband first... well... i reckon i would be off looking for a less interfering sort of person too...

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 5:16:50 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		The most basic coping skills people have to deal with terrible situation, and in dealing with their own, or someone else's bad behavior, are denial an mininization.  You have perfected both.  

(in reply to ranja)
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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 5:53:22 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Firebird: i am not always in denial, i am quite aware most of the time
as for minimizing, i do indeed think that it is very helpful to not over-estimate at least ones own problems, as i said before... feeling too sorry for oneself is such a bore and extremely unhelpful and quite selfish actually.
Being cheated on is not the end of the world even if it seems so... there are far worse things that can happen, really.

oh, and i do not think i am perfect at anything... are you?

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 6:28:53 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed I am not perfect but I do believe in living with integrity to the best of my ability. 

"Feeling sorry for one's self" is often doublespeak for those who are unable or unwilling to feel compassion for another's pain. 

< Message edited by Firebirdseeking -- 8/28/2010 6:30:11 AM >

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 8:21:16 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		And if the cheating on the partner Ranja, leads to them catching one of the various stds that lead to death.

Think cheating very well could be the end of the world for some.

Im sorry but cheating at least all the times Ive seen it has come with some pretty heavy consequences, non curable stds are one of them

Just because youve been lucky and havent condemned your partner to death YET, doesnt mean that its not possible and no its never a mistake to tell the cheating partner.

Why because when im committed in a relationship ship after a few months (read 6) I dont use condoms anymore. Im on a very effective method of birth control and really theres not that much of a point. So If my partner is cheating on me, Im more likely to catch an std, therefor if I know hes cheating and for some odd reason dont decide to kick his ass straight to the curb we can go back to protected sex, that will lower the risk. And I can go back to my being single tested schedual which is every three months instead of every six..

I get you have no compassion for others on this topic and you think its perfectly okay to cheat if thats how you feel like doing it, but for some its not.

I dont cheat Ive never cheated because the way it makes me feel when it happens to me is just to much to do to another person, I care to much about other people to put them through that suffering, because they will find out, its never a matter of will or wont its a matter of when....

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 8:35:01 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		Not everyone cheats. My husband wouldn't/couldn't have sex with me the last 10 years of our marriage. He chose not to be sexual in anyway for the majority of that time but *I did NOT cheat*. I was going slightly bonkers but I didn't find sexual release with anyone else until I left that relationship. Just because a few people cheat doesn't mean that everyone does.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 9:05:22 AM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		You made the choice you made, sublizzie, and that's absolutely fine. You stuck it out for ten years, and then, when you felt you didn't want to continue living as a nun, you left him. That was your choice, for you, in your situation. You left the relationship instead of starting a sexual relationship with someone else at the same time.

Other people, in a similar situation, make different choices.

For them, the relationship might be extremely important, and they might feel it is worth keeping. They might decide that sex is just sex and that having sex with someone else has nothing to do with the relationship they are in. Personally, I think that is fine as well. Their life, their choice. It's not obligatory to cheat when your committed relationships get a bit unusual. But it isn't obligatory to leave them either.





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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 10:59:54 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Indeed I am not perfect but I do believe in living with integrity to the best of my ability. 

"Feeling sorry for one's self" is often doublespeak for those who are unable or unwilling to feel compassion for another's pain. 


i believe in living with integrity to the best of my ability too.
but i do not believe cheating is inherently evil, there are reasons and circumstances and it is nonsense to condemn people who make these sometimes very minor mistakes or perhaps dubious choices, i really find it narrowminded..
i am NOT saying that everybody should go around fucking unprotected everything that moves, which is what people seem to make of it....
i am saying that everybody makes their own choices and some of these choices might not sit well with others (if they know), that is part of life and life is risky...

If a partner who should be solely responsible for your sexual wellbeing for vague and evasive reasons fails to meet your needs ... who is cheating... first
if two adults raise a child and tell this child they love this child so much and then they split up and one of them leaves, so leaves this child... who is really cheated on here

i cheated a game of chess recently to let my child win, some people disagree with that practise too

some people have so much compassion especially when it is about themselves it makes me sick
if i hurt and people are overly concerned it makes my pain worse

i would not condemn my best friend because she is in a state because she cheated on her partner and is riddled with guilt and passion at the same time and i would NOT run off to her husband to tell on her either... talk about integrity...

i am not cold, i am no softy softy either

Spiritedradiance: are you making/taking this personal? i think it is fine for you to trust your partner and have unprotected sex... though 6 months is not very long to get to know a partner... though i would take that risk too
so if you miscalculated and he turns out to be less trustworthy than you give him credit for.... were you a maybe a bit impatient because you fancied sex without having to fart around with condoms?... would that thought even cross your mind?
Oh and non of the cases of cheating i have experienced or witnessed have ended in death so far... so maybe you are just a bit unlucky there ... also you are wrong that it always comes out... some people are very discrete

< Message edited by ranja -- 8/28/2010 11:19:46 AM >

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 11:25:04 AM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		I have read your posts before which justify cheating.    I assume you know by now that your position is going to draw fire.  I assume also that you somehow thrive on this position, and the attention you get from it.

I dont know how old you are and I dont think I care.  But if you live a certain number of years, and if you are in a profession like mine, you see how much pain cheating causes.  You can justify and justify, (and BTW, cheating is not where both parties agree to a different arrangement for whatever reason(s) that are between them) but cheating is deception, lying and dishonorable behavior. It's sneaky.  I dont admire this behavior or your attempt to justify it and I am done responding to your posts about it as well.

And anyone in this day and age who has unprotected sex is very, very foolish.  That is what testing and comdoms are for. 

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Profile   Post #: 129
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 1:57:34 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		My posts do not justify cheating per se, my stance is that cheating is not always totally evilly bad and i do not think that any cheater should be cast out or rather shot as soon as possible...
and if you really read and understood my posts, professional person as you claim to be... a person who deals with other peoples problems, so you should be good at listening... you would actually have got that.
i take it you are a health professional and i would advise you to come of your high horse and be neutral and not bias when you deal with people who have cheated or been cheated on, are you supposed to help them or judge them?

FYI 44 years old and still learning, you must care or you would not have posted the question

i agree condoms should be worn...
i also understand there are people who trust eachother and take the risk not to use them... me and my Husband of 20 years don't use them unless we do anal.
and if either of us would cheat i am sure we would make damn sure we were protected.

i personally would never want to know He cheated
i would certainly not want to talk to any other woman about bloody limits
and any rude uncaring person informing me about my husbands sexual activities would be so out of line it is unbelievable
if i would find out however... we would have another mountain of shit to get through, but i have shuffled the stuff before... i am quite sure we would beable to manage it without the 'help' of a bias health professional



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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 2:01:50 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Ah, so cheating is cool, as long as you remain ignorant.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 2:04:48 PM   
MstrPBK


Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating.
Get real.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 2:12:56 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK

Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating.
Get real.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA



THIS, exactly so, and "cheating", which being cheating, implies infidelitous behaviour, deception, dishonesty, and the withholding of information from a partner.
OP, we understand that you don't seem to mind your own state of affairs and that you think cheating is acceptable, but common sense dictates that this is not the most popular subject, and if you did not want judgement passed, you should not have made this thread and thereby invited said judgement from all of us.
I, for one, wish you luck. I'm almost certain you're going to need it.

< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 8/28/2010 2:13:23 PM >

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 2:47:53 PM   
hertz


Posts: 1315
Joined: 8/7/2010
Status: offline 		Judging is judging is judging is judging.

I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as some on this forum. Does that make me a bad person? 

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 3:18:29 PM   
sub2becollared


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/25/2009
Status: offline 		With the recent experience of the one that was being cheated on,  I would want the other female that he was trying to hook up with to ask him to meet me, and not just assume I am incapable of fulfilling his desires, because I think more times than not, some people cant just stick with committment but dont want to run the risk of losing their primary partner.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 3:21:09 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

Judging is judging is judging is judging.

I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as some on this forum. Does that make me a bad person? 

I'll answer your question when you answer one of Mine.  Why is judging a bad thing based on a person's standards?

If you prefer honest people in your life, you might choose not to be around folks who are habitually known not to tell the truth.  If you want to keep the possessions in your home, you might not want to bring someone there who has been repeatedly convicted for theft.  There are a number of deplorable activities out there that, if a person chooses to participate in them, I don't want them in My life.  Explain to Me why cheating on a person's spouse any different.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 136
RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 5:25:19 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

Judging is judging is judging is judging.

I'm glad I'm not as judgemental as some on this forum. Does that make me a bad person? 


Meh I am one judgmental bitch, I don't cheat, I never have and likely never will...and I still can see your and Ranja's points.

People are all unique, with our own histories and desires and needs. My mom left my dad because he cheated on her...they've each spent the past 15 years broke, alone, and strangely enough really good friends...good enough friends that I can't see why they didn't stay married. I don't get it, really. I guess people just have different limits about what makes a relationship broken beyond repair.

But anyway, like I said, I'm judgmental, and not very nice, and any man who would approach me with the intent to cheat on his wife with me quickly learns this. I do, however, see the world in shades of grey, always...it's possible for me to sympathize with a cheater.

Sexually healthy people can't go years without sex, or sex once every 3 months with the lights off...and that sort of sexual dysfunction is going to lead to overall relationship dysfunction. Cheating is, in its way, a practical solution - resolve the sexual lack so that you're able to maintain the relationship on other levels. Marriage isn't just "people who love each other lots who have biblically approved sex" - it's a commitment and a lifestyle. People who have kids would have reasons to stay married even if the sex wasn't good.

There are lots of people here who seem to unequivocally hate cheaters...some who even said it would be better to end the relationship with a terminally ill partner, and let them die alone, just because they're not sexually satisfying their partner. I judge that. I judge that fucking harshly.

Does that make me a bad person?

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 9:03:07 PM   
Firebirdseeking


Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		Let's be clear:  I am not a "health professional" here.  And if you knew anything about the mental health profession, you would know that that there is no such thing as "neutral", or "unbiased", those concepts died with Freud and with Carl Rogers.    We are human beings with values and ethics.  It is not my job to judge in my profession, you are correct there, but I do encourage honesty and integrity.  Professionals have our biases, it is naive of you to think we dont.  And, we should be up front about them, because that is honest, and to not do so is to contaminate the process.

I never said cheaters should be shot or cast out.  Often cheating is the end result of an unhappy relationship.  I just think its best to deal straight up with the unhappiness rather than cross a line that will likely result in severe pain for many, including the children.  

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 10:55:33 PM   
pogo4pres


Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Meh I am one judgmental bitch, I don't cheat, I never have and likely never will...and I still can see your and Ranja's points.

People are all unique, with our own histories and desires and needs. My mom left my dad because he cheated on her...they've each spent the past 15 years broke, alone, and strangely enough really good friends...good enough friends that I can't see why they didn't stay married. I don't get it, really. I guess people just have different limits about what makes a relationship broken beyond repair.

But anyway, like I said, I'm judgmental, and not very nice, and any man who would approach me with the intent to cheat on his wife with me quickly learns this. I do, however, see the world in shades of grey, always...it's possible for me to sympathize with a cheater.

Sexually healthy people can't go years without sex, or sex once every 3 months with the lights off...and that sort of sexual dysfunction is going to lead to overall relationship dysfunction. Cheating is, in its way, a practical solution - resolve the sexual lack so that you're able to maintain the relationship on other levels. Marriage isn't just "people who love each other lots who have biblically approved sex" - it's a commitment and a lifestyle. People who have kids would have reasons to stay married even if the sex wasn't good.

There are lots of people here who seem to unequivocally hate cheaters...some who even said it would be better to end the relationship with a terminally ill partner, and let them die alone, just because they're not sexually satisfying their partner. I judge that. I judge that fucking harshly.

Does that make me a bad person?



No you're not a bad person, and neither am I, which is why I will not cheat to resolve a "lack-of-nookie" going on 4 1/2 years now.  Which is part of why I asked for advice in earlier posts.  As I mentioned I probably lack the mental fortitude required to cheat on my spouse.  I still love her.


Asexually,
Some Knucklehead in NJ


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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/28/2010 11:48:07 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus


quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

I happen to think that most people entering a marriage that is monogamous really do understand that "in sickness and in health" part does include a possible situation in life where one party may become ill.  Doing otherwise, in My opinion, is rather short sighted.


Two things strike me about this.

Firstly, I am not convinced many of us go into marriage with the absolute ability to ensure that the vow we make today is something we will be able to live by tomorrow. Personally, I think this sort of 'forever and ever' vow was fine a thousand years ago when neither party was likely to live past 40, but nowadays, when both parties could live to be 90, and married for 70 years, I suspect it is a bit of a task to keep it going. We all understand the vows I am sure, but I suspect none of us realise what they might actually mean in any real sense. This might be short-sighted, but most of us, when it comes to this really are short-sighted. If you know at the age of 30 how you are going to feel about your partner at the age of 70, then you are a truly outstanding human being.


EDIT The 'in reply to' is wrong. I'm quoting LadyPact...




I am surrounded by truly outstanding human beings, then. Yet another thing to be thankful for.

If you can stand in front of a group of family and friends and MAKE A VOW THAT YOU DO NOT INTEND TO KEEP, then you really are the lowest of the low. Commitment is about maintaining the relationship, changing as situations change, and accepting the best and the worst. No, we do not know what will happen in the future. But to START out knowing that you will just bail? Disgraceful.




This.  IN MOST CASES, people do NOT get married/handfasted/commited with the intention of divorcing etc..

But sometimes, things change that are un-fixable, and the end of the marriage* is going to happen.  Lamentable, but true. Not everyone can maintain the Happy Ever After stuff.. a woman who marries a man that seems ideal, but becomes an abuser.. the man that marries a woman and is actually gay.. etc.

When the vows are spoken.. they are (usually) meant.

*handfasting, etc

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
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