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When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:38:25 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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i've never been in a situation(and hopefully, never will be) where i was unaware that somebody i played with was in a serious relationship. I have however, been in a position to know that a potential playmate was in a marriage where he wasn't getting his "needs" fulfilled by his wife, but he told me she was ok with him seeing me. I asked for him to set up a meeting between him, his wife, and myself...ya know, since she was fine with it. Never heard from him again. but what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:42:34 AM

texangael

Posts: 167
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quote:

Never heard from him again. but what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

Run like hell.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:45:07 AM

hlen5

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Do you mean how do you deal with the cheater or the wronged party?

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:47:29 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
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the best way to handle it would be like an adult

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:47:58 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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eh, not so much the cheater- i'd be more concerned about the wronged party.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 6:49:59 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I've known women to say they're fine with it but that doesn't automatically mean she wants to meet his others. Usually she doesn't. So just because she (or he) doesn't want it in their face doesn't make the person automatically a cheater.

Beyond that, I've never known anyone in a good, solid, healthy, satisfying relationship to cheat except for men working away from home for weeks who avail themselves of a paid escort. You don't establish a new relationship when your existing relationship fulfills your emotional needs.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:01:42 AM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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while i agree with you, it that situation, i would have prefered him to say that she isn't comfortable with it, instead of dropping off the face of the planet. and i thought about this situation in an everyday sense since i have been cheated on before i met my current. i just stopped speaking with the cheating party. but not everybody would handle that the same way i have.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:16:08 AM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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As with the cheater you had, the BDSM part isn't as much of a shock as the cheating part.
Lots of guys sell that line of 'my wife doesn't underSTAND me' or 'she's perfectly fine with it' or 'we've agreed to both see other people', so the best thing is to do what you did and insist on a meeting in their home . . . and magically they allllll fly their non-sub bottoms away.
The biggest hurt to their wives is that the man who promised in front of their families, friends and priest to love, honour and cherish them is cheating at all, and you'll never be the first one: they have to cope with the emotional piledriver of that, then the risk and betrayal he's taken with being physical with someone else, then the kinky stuff, unless they walk in and find him doing something they find really loathsome [fill in your blank here: walking into your own bedroom to see your husband taking a dirty sanchez, for example].
So the only part you play in the equation is apologising sincerely since he said he was completely single, and as above, run like hell.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:28:17 AM

Firebirdseeking

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I think the way I would handle it would be to say "I have nothing but respect for you, ma'am but I think your marriage may be in trouble and I suggest you have a long talk with your partner".

YOU are not the one who has to explain, as, from the sound of it, you would not play with someone knowingly whose partner did not have full knowledge of his or her activities . I think we have to understand that there are many liars and cheaters out there and we are not responsible for their bad behaviors, we are only responsible for our own ethics and actions.

< Message edited by Firebirdseeking -- 8/22/2010 7:29:02 AM >

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 7:43:52 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
i've never been in a situation(and hopefully, never will be) where i was unaware that somebody i played with was in a serious relationship. I have however, been in a position to know that a potential playmate was in a marriage where he wasn't getting his "needs" fulfilled by his wife, but he told me she was ok with him seeing me. I asked for him to set up a meeting between him, his wife, and myself...ya know, since she was fine with it. Never heard from him again. but what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

The best way to handle it is the way you already seem to be doing it. Ask to meet the significant other and don't get involved with folks who cannot or will not set up that meeting. Some people have their own reasons for not doing so (even the significant other) and that is fine but at least it keeps things above board and keeps everyone on the same page. Now if someone successfully hides the fact that they have a significant other and later it comes to light and that person finds out.... just tell the truth that you were lied to and had no idea and would never have gone there had you known.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 9:29:03 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I think the way I would handle it would be to say "I have nothing but respect for you, ma'am but I think your marriage may be in trouble and I suggest you have a long talk with your partner".

YOU are not the one who has to explain, as, from the sound of it, you would not play with someone knowingly whose partner did not have full knowledge of his or her activities . I think we have to understand that there are many liars and cheaters out there and we are not responsible for their bad behaviors, we are only responsible for our own ethics and actions.

I just wanted to say thank you for this, Firebird. I've been on the "cheated on" side more than once and no one was ever ethical enough to stop what they were doing and just let me know.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 9:49:29 AM

DommeKeliDallas

Posts: 311
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i've never been in a situation(and hopefully, never will be) where i was unaware that somebody i played with was in a serious relationship. I have however, been in a position to know that a potential playmate was in a marriage where he wasn't getting his "needs" fulfilled by his wife, but he told me she was ok with him seeing me. I asked for him to set up a meeting between him, his wife, and myself...ya know, since she was fine with it. Never heard from him again. but what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

You can't second-guess what someone will do.
There is resolve here.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

Post #: 12

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 10:23:19 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline

As a married and playing on the side, I have a different viewpoint. I think marrieds are best off playing with other marrieds. I prefer married Doms exactly for that reason- we establish "drama" as a mutual hard limit, and are respectful enogh to stay the heck out of each others marriage. Now that does mean that I am not at the Doms beck and call, and conversely he isn't available to be all cuddly and helpful during a bad drop, such is the price you pay for having your cake and your kink too.

(in reply to DommeKeliDallas)

Post #: 13

RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 10:38:03 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I have that rule about meeting the SO, as well, and you betcha that makes em POOF like nothing else.

I am not asking to be FRIENDS with the SO. I am asking to meet with him or her, and set BOUNDARIES. Is it okay if playmate goes home with cane marks or bite marks? Can we go to public events? Who else can be there? Sex? Yes, no, maybe? These are all issues that I have to settle in my mind.

I got a phone call once, on my answering machine... "Hi, I don't know who you are, but I found your number in my husband's wallet. I want you to know that he is MARRIED, and he is just playing with you. He has done these internet games before. Please stop speaking to him." LULZ!! Of course I stopped chatting, but she was in his WALLET??? Shoot fire, is nothing sacred?

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 10:47:18 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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In My opinion, you continue to handle things as you are (only willing to play with those where you do meet the spouse) and that way, you don't have the problem to begin with. As some people have said, not everyone's SO is willing to meet. That's just fine for them. Nobody says that you are required to play with someone who can't arrange that meeting to assure you that the spouse is ok with it.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 11:30:07 AM

TheHeretic

Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

That's going to vary widely, depending on the vanilla partner. Just because a guy doesn't find his rocks in hurting a wife that needs it, doesn't mean violence is off the table with her dom/lover. Maybe the best way to handle it is to move, and pick up that Taurus .45 that can fire .410 buckshot.

I'm sure there are odd exceptions, but there aren't many happy endings here for the partner of the cheating spouse. By default, that person is the bad guy. Accept that fact, and walk away.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 1:46:51 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I have that rule about meeting the SO, as well, and you betcha that makes em POOF like nothing else.

I am not asking to be FRIENDS with the SO. I am asking to meet with him or her, and set BOUNDARIES. Is it okay if playmate goes home with cane marks or bite marks? Can we go to public events? Who else can be there? Sex? Yes, no, maybe? These are all issues that I have to settle in my mind.

Of course I stopped chatting, but she was in his WALLET??? Shoot fire, is nothing sacred?

He's been in my wallet and I've gone into his. To borrow a five, to find a receipt, etc. I have nothing there that needs privacy from him.

I do understand that you want to meet her to set boundaries and to see that this isn't a line. But there are wives who don't want to meet the others. In which case, there really isn't anything to solve this since either way one party is unhappy.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 2:07:52 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
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I met a potential new dom/play partner who said he was in a poly relationship with a female partner & her male former submissive. At our first meet, I asked when I could meet his partner(s). He took me to them that day. I don't fool around with married or otherwise involved people unless their SO is fully aware & copacetic with it. I have in the past played with cheaters, but my experience showed me that in that situation, someone is bound to get hurt. Sooner or later. And I decided that I couldn't deal with the idea that in order to receive my pleasure, I might be the one hurting someone. So I agree with others here, I wouldn't play with someone without meeting/talking with their SO. I'm poly so unless everyone is ok with the relationship, I'm not going to get involved.

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 2:35:46 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

but what should somebody do if the vanilla partner finds out about the BDSM relationship? what would be the best way to handle that?

I'm unclear as to why you think you have to do anything... it's not your vanilla partner and not your relationship.

Cali

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RE: When the un-knowing partner finds out... - 8/22/2010 2:56:22 PM

hertz

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For what it's worth, I think there may be occasions when what some of you are describing as 'cheating' is anything but that. I'm going to put the BDSM element to one side for a moment. Imagine if you will this scenario:

One of a couple in a long term committed relationship becomes unwell, altering the relationship in a number of ways, one of which is that she or he becomes unable to contemplate sex. The other party in the relationship has a number of options:
1. Wait it out. Maybe the partner who is unwell will get better. Learn how to masturbate.
2. If things don't change, leave the relationship, and look for someone else.
3. Pay for sex.
4. Discuss the possibility of having a second partner as well as the first (unwell) partner.
5. Take a second partner and don't tell the first partner in order to protect the first relationship.
6. Take a second partner and tell the first partner, risking hurting her and wrecking the relationship.
7. Take numerous short term partners.
8. Become a Monk or a Nun. Get used to masturbation.

I'm sure there are loads of options I haven't considered.

If you are in this sort of position, I imagine you might try Option 1 first, and try and wait it out. If things don't get better after a sensible period (say 5 years) you might consider Option 2, leaving. But if you really love that person and don't want to leave her/him because you have made a commitment, then you might consider Options 8, 7, 3 and 5. Before doing any of this, you might try to discuss the possibility of having another relationship (Option 4), and you probably should have that discussion. But the partner who is unwell might struggle with even discussing it. He/She might even say something like 'Let's not discuss this ever again. If you do it, I don't want to know.'

If in the end you go for Option 5 (looking for another partner and keeping two relationships going), then it has to be about honesty with the new person, as the only option. No-one deserves to get drawn into this sort of situation without knowing what is going on. And there may be all sorts of ways in which something like this could work for some time, and if it ever ends, then it could easily end happily. We're all grown-ups, right?

Truth is, it's a fucking horrible situation to be in, and until you've been there I really think making hard judgements is not on. Bottom line? Sometimes things may be way, way more complicated than they seem.

On saying that, quite often it's just cheating, and I guess I can be as judgemental as anyone else when it comes to that. But I know I have no right.

Back to the OP - What should you do if the other partner finds out? I'll be damned if I know. Should you do it at all? I dunno.

One thing I do know though, is that relationships are complicated and unique. Just because the Bible talks about marriage and monogamy and 'forever and ever' doesn't mean it has to be so.

That's what I think.

< Message edited by hertz -- 8/22/2010 2:57:58 PM >

(in reply to LinnaeaBorealis)

Post #: 20

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