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RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 12:04:38 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

I give far better advice to others than I give myself so I am very careful when and where I take control. There are parts of my life that I would love to find a woman to put in charge of them as I am wise enough to recognize when someone else has more talent than I in something. For me, the goal is to enhance OUR lives, by leveraging OUR strengths and if that means she orders my food because I get tired of wanting what she ordered...then so be it!



I think it is a common misconception that because one has all the authority that they make all the decisions. Having authority makes you accountable to ensure the best decision are made for all decisions... but how they are made is another thing all together. There are many things that I will delegate to the girls because they will and do make better decisions on certain matters than I would. In some cases, it's they have the better skill set... on some things it's because I am not investing the time needed to make an informed decision. Instead... I use their time to make those informed decisions and use my time for other decisions. In the end.... I get the best results!!! When i don't get the results wanted... I will review the decision process to get better or improved results. Ironically, many decisions for the children are left between Kyra and Alandra. They are able to put the time in to make those decisions better than I can.... but major ones are always passed for my approval and input.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 12:08:30 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For the submissive side... is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?


It's hard to say without looking into the future. But I can make some educated guesses. I wouldn't say I have asbolute control over the following things. But these are things that I'm very unlikely to not have some control over. The amount reflecting on the situation, particular thing, etc.

My friends and family - I very much need social interaction beyond my owner. The only times where life has forced me to be secluded... it... it wasn't pretty. And it wasn't good. I love my family and my friends and I won't give them up and I will be good to them and take care of them as they take care of me.

My animals - It's very hard to picture my life without animals and while I'm happy to let him make the decisions concerning them if I should think he is making a wrong choice I will speak up. Depending on it... I will dig in my heels and not budge.

My children - Should I be lucky enough to have them, I'm not willing to give up my making decisions with him concerning them. Kinda like the pets... only more intense! ;-)

Video games/general geekiness - It's possible that I'll lose interest in this arena. Though G-d I hope not since I've got one related tattoo and I'm planning more! But as long as I have it... I get my game-time and no one gets hurt. My loot is MINE and don't tell me how to game G-d damn it or you might get your fingers bitten off.

Of course this is why I more or less exclusively seek out geeky d-types.

I think that is pretty much it.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/4/2010 12:14:17 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 12:11:36 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I refuse to direct my submissive in her worship or her voting.


Eep... add two more to my list!


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 12:46:23 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For the submissive side... is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?


Greetings tazzygirl,

When I visited this subject in the past I made a determination that the issue wasn't the areas that I retained under my hand, but intentionally placing myself in situations where these things would never be addressed by the other party. Which simply meant that I was sidestepping the necessity of surrendering something that I knew he had no interest in laying claim to. In my opinion this is in opposition to the mindset that I feel is most appropriate for one in my station. As such, it isn't a matter of holding on but being in a relationship with someone that makes letting go less frightening. When moments of uncertainty rear their head the greater goal of surrendering to Him trumps any supposed autonomy I could retain.

If I'm at liberty to select the absolute [as mentioned] I'd have a hard time considering myself a slave to anything save my ego and fears. If I can't trust him with those things I hold precious or sacrosanct why am I serving him at all? The conscious assumption of control by the undersigned that is not predicated by the will of the Keeper reveals a lack of trust in His capacity to provide governance in the manner the slave finds acceptable.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 12:47:05 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
For the submissive side... is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?

For myself, i have my son.


No, none. Some things, like certain privacies, are very hard for me to relinquish, but of course they aren't off limits.

Hmm. I guess I'll go down the usual list.

I don't have children but I do have a pet. Nothing unrelinquished there, either. If I'm at a spot where I feel I can give everything I am away to someone, then I believe I can and should trust him or her not to feed the cat to the neighborhood hounds. I realize such a person could make me give up my pet. I would grieve over that. Then I would beg that a good compatible home be found for it (the cat was a rescue and is very shy--many potential owners would respond badly to that). But it would still be begging, not insisting, and with no expectation that my desires in this area should be carried out. Just hope.

As for politics, religions, spirtuality or other ideologies, pfft. I could care less what I am made to to believe in. Retaining those things, what little I have of them, is not particularly high on my list of priorities.

I think I answered the money question in another thread recently so won't harp on it here. Just no. Wouldn't insist on keeping it--at all.

Career? :) NO. As in no resistance.

Friends/family. No.

Back to children: I don't particularly want any, but if ordered to adopt or raise one or more children, of course I would. I'd view it as just another slave duty to complete and would do it to the best of my ability. I'm affectionate by nature so I would probably become very fond of the children, and it would be hard later if they were taken away by my owner, but again, that is the an owner's perrogative, not mine.

Ethics. This one scares me a little, but in the end, this issue, for me, boils down to trust. No. Wouldn't insist.

Intelligence - no, could care less. I'm actually a lot happier when I feel dumber. :) But since I make a living with this trait, an owner might find it finanically beneficial to keep it around.

Personality traits? Those are very easy to mold. I expect some of mine would be changed. I don't particularly care which ones.

So with all that gone, what is left in a slave? Probably lots of things, as personality artifacts, like humor, can often be amusing to a dominant person and something they decide to keep intact. But potentially, all I can fully expect to keep (unless I've made a very bad choice) is my driving need to serve and obey. It would be very hard (not to mention bafflingly contradictory) to be forced to give up these feelings. They are at the center of everything, if they were ripped out, could I still be a slave in my mind or heart? I don't see how, but maybe if someone perverse did this, they'd also see to physical enslavement--which would be the worst of all worlds, obviously. I don't know, this one's so far out of my realm of possibility, that it's hard to imagine how it would play out.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 1:43:44 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		KOM, and if your decision was the opposite of their father's, then the mother could have had custody removed from her. I pointed out that they weren't able to give consent, and that you don't have the right to wrest it away from the legal parent. Which you aren't. And the law exists to protect the children from abuse including quasi step-parents who might demand things that would weaken their relationship with their father.

The Man dislikes my ex very much. He would prefer if my kids had less contact with them since he doesn't believe that the ex has their best interests at heart. However that doesn't give him the right to interfere with their relationship with their father.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 2:09:45 PM   
MaxsGirl


Posts: 355
Joined: 12/2/2010
From: The Arctic Circle
Status: offline 		Yes and no.  Alpha has complete control over my life, but chooses not to exercise that control in some areas.  My son is one (not biologically his, and has a wonderful and involved bio-father).  My religious and political views are mine to decide, and as a domestic service slave I make all the day to day decisions about housekeeping and diet for both of us.  Alpha allows me to share my opinions on anything I like, and he frequently decides to follow my advice when it makes sense.  That said, he does always have the final word.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 3:37:08 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

For the submissive side... is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?




I will never relinquish control of my children and would never choose to be with someone who expected me to.  I do listen very carefully to any advice given to me regarding them, but the final say is ultimately mine and I expect that to be respected.  If he decided one day that he did want control of them then we would need to have a serious discussion about it, and it could potentially lead to the end of the relationship.  But again, I doubt I would ever find myself with someone who ever demanded that of me.


_____________________________

As we think, so we become.

Nichts ist unmöglich


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RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 3:44:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Most importantly is that children need consistency. If the parent who has physical custody is a permissive parent, then enormous damage will be done if she turns control over to someone who is a strict parent. Especially when the relationship does not last and they then have the rules changed when she is again without a partner, and then when she gets a new partner.

Establishing a stepfamily relationship to the point where a step-parent can be the rule setter and enforcer takes seven years on the average. That's how long you have to be there for them to trust you to still remain with them.

Getting into a relationship with someone with children, taking control of them, and then abandoning them when the relationship ends does great damage to them. I'm saddened that KOM, who I have always previously respected, feels no shame for doing just that.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ncbabe)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 3:55:00 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		not all parents have shared custody or another parent alive to help with parenting so this idea of another helping out with the child is a good thing if you ask me. When my daughter was still a child it would have been nice to have someone around to make the decisions, someone with a clear head and who understood that I was not in the best shape to be a mother.

Now she's an adult though and able to make her own decisions it's not really a priority anymore but Master still has the right to exert his control over my decisions when it pertains to things with her. Most of the time he allows me to make the decisions since she is my daughter but there are times when I can be overbearing with her and I'm not always thinking clearly and he will give me what I call "firm advice" on dealing with her. My experience has been that when I don't take his "firm advice" my choice almost always backfires and so I've learned over time to trust his advice even when it comes to my daughter.



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 4:49:05 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

KOM, and if your decision was the opposite of their father's, then the mother could have had custody removed from her.


yes.... if the Dominant is an idiot and makes stupid decisions he could go to jail as well. You can stick with your fear mongering and your absolute extreme possibilities.... but.... those kind of extreme possibilies are only possible with extreme idiots.

quote:


I pointed out that they weren't able to give consent, and that you don't have the right to wrest it away from the legal parent. Which you aren't. And the law exists to protect the children from abuse including quasi step-parents who might demand things that would weaken their relationship with their father.


oh said anything about wrest it away.... given informed consent by a mother or father as the case maybe...... but yeah.. you want to stick to extremes go ahead.... some people happen to be alot more reasonable and less stupid!

quote:


The Man dislikes my ex very much. He would prefer if my kids had less contact with them since he doesn't believe that the ex has their best interests at heart. However that doesn't give him the right to interfere with their relationship with their father.



Frankly in my opinion... ... it's not a question of Rights... its a question of responsibilities one has a parental figure. The question becomes who has that responsibility... in my world.... I will accept that responsibility and even requre such responsibility for a relationship to exist as a M/s dynamic ... others will make different choices on those responsibilities and that is their choice.

What you both are doing in your world is for you to decide........ but try not to project your extreme prejudice on how things should be.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 5:02:31 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Most importantly is that children need consistency. If the parent who has physical custody is a permissive parent, then enormous damage will be done if she turns control over to someone who is a strict parent. Especially when the relationship does not last and they then have the rules changed when she is again without a partner, and then when she gets a new partner.


thank you for your expert advice on being a parent..... I am sure everyone is alot smarter because of it.

quote:



Establishing a stepfamily relationship to the point where a step-parent can be the rule setter and enforcer takes seven years on the average. That's how long you have to be there for them to trust you to still remain with them.


really!!! didn't know there was a stop watch to these relationships..


quote:


Getting into a relationship with someone with children, taking control of them, and then abandoning them when the relationship ends does great damage to them. I'm saddened that KOM, who I have always previously respected, feels no shame for doing just that.



oh get over yourself...... you have showed as much respect for me as I have showed respect for the pipple on my ass! But regardless.... I am sure your sadden state will be short lived like a woman faking an orgasm!

As per usual you project your shit into things...... just for th record... I don't have respect for you... simply because such respect needs to be earned in my world well beyond what is possible in a forum such as these. but... in a forum such as these I can appreciate and even like a person for the narrow prespective that can be seen on forums such as these give.... but well... that isn't the case with you though... I find the narrow prespective to be rather distasteful.... but I do respect that you and everyone else can put their opinions out there for others regardless of my taste for what they have to say... and I even defend that priviledge for anyone....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 6:18:35 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Most importantly is that children need consistency. If the parent who has physical custody is a permissive parent, then enormous damage will be done if she turns control over to someone who is a strict parent. Especially when the relationship does not last and they then have the rules changed when she is again without a partner, and then when she gets a new partner.

Establishing a stepfamily relationship to the point where a step-parent can be the rule setter and enforcer takes seven years on the average. That's how long you have to be there for them to trust you to still remain with them.

Getting into a relationship with someone with children, taking control of them, and then abandoning them when the relationship ends does great damage to them. I'm saddened that KOM, who I have always previously respected, feels no shame for doing just that.





This is all over the place. Why should anyone feel shame for shouldering responsibility and having control? It's almost as if you are assuming that having control/authority is a negative thing.
When my children are at their grandparents, the *rules and authority* lay with them, not me......Children are perfectly able to accept and understand *different rules here, other rules there*. My grandchildren accept and understand that *I* run a different ship to their parents and when they are on my *ship*, my authority applies.ie...They don't have to eat everything on their plate , but they do have to tidy up all toys themselves. They can't leave the table until the last person has finished eating, but they can clear off into the garden and get as muddy as they like.

KOM said..quote..
I think it is a common misconception that because one has all the authority that they make all the decisions. Having authority makes you accountable to ensure the best decision are made for all decisions... but how they are made is another thing all together.
Unquote

Back to the OP's question...The answer is, *obviously not*; as I've been in a relationship for years where nothing is *out of bounds*.........nor needed to be.

agirl



< Message edited by agirl -- 12/4/2010 6:19:56 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 7:41:58 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petmonkey

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?


You know, i kind of took that whole "Know Thyself" thing pretty seriously. i expect anyone i'm with to believe that i did and take into account any input i have along those lines. Consider it a service: there's an easily accessible resource a D can go to to find out how to arrange my overall life that keeps me holistically healthy--in optimum condition, and it's me. i won't give up ultimate control over doing or being what makes me truly happy, truly content--i pretty much know what those are and i don't require anyone telling me differently.

If there are people or animals i consider under my care i'm willing to ask and hear opinions or advice, but final decisions made are mine.



Hello little monkey,
Beautifully worded.  Yes, I know myself really well.  If I'm in a funk, I know what gets me out of it.  I know what I need.  I may be high maintenance, but I maintain myself pretty well.  I know what makes me tick, I know what upsets me, I know how to handle it.  Getting me to do the thing that gets me out of the funk, that's not quite so easy.  That's where I could use a little support - not control - support.

The whole "I know what's best for you" bullshit after a short time... come on!  I've been in this body over 40 years.  I do have a clue.  On a good day, I have two!

I won't allow someone to run my life pretty much in any way, shape or form.  Never again.  As Signore Wonderful said, "I have better things to do with my time than try to dictate what you do on a day to day level."  He liked when I wore something pretty, so I gussied up a bit for him - of my own choice.  He didn't like me to have more than one drink, and I didn't generally like to either, so that was fine. 

But nah, I know myself.  He was smart enough to know that, trust it, and utilize it.  Shame he's on another continent.  Ah, well.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 9:01:14 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		My son is one of the things I retain control of. Even now, he is 28 but I retain some control as he has illnesses that require that I do this.
I will always listen to advice and may sometimes take it. Others not so closely involved see things that I don't.
 
My writting is another, I will share it, but I decide what to write. I will not change what I have written to suit another as these are my thoughts and not theirs.
 
For me those are the two big ones, everything else is open.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 9:04:10 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

When my children are at their grandparents, the *rules and authority* lay with them, not me......Children are perfectly able to accept and understand *different rules here, other rules there*. My grandchildren accept and understand that *I* run a different ship to their parents and when they are on my *ship*, my authority applies.ie...


Grandparents are a whole nother species.... and the kids know this.

~FR

To everyone, i did not start this thread to start arguments. Instead, im simply fascinated to learn how other relationships work, what makes it tick.

Even in these few posts, i have discovered some interesting things. Please, dont attack posts, just post your own beliefs and thoughts.

Again, no wrong answer.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 9:26:33 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		I would really love to say that there is no area where his control and influence don't pertain, but that wouldn't be entirely honest. My career, my friends and family, my future dog (when I finally get one) and my physical health are things that really should remain in my control. I know that he could influence me to some extent on those things, but I don't think he would and it would be difficult if he did.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 9:39:23 PM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		Sunshinemiss,

Thank you.

i've found whenever someone pulls the "i know what's best for you better than you do" card, that they are usually trying to move us in a direction that sends the relationship and/or my life to hell in a hand basket.  What's so irritating about a conversation that revolves around that particular stance is that they are essentially calling me a liar--they don't believe i know myself, and they aren't trusting me that i am telling the truth about it.  What a pain in the neck.


_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 9:52:12 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: petmonkey

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
is there any part of your life you have absolute control over and will never relinquish regardless of what type of relationship you enter?


You know, i kind of took that whole "Know Thyself" thing pretty seriously. i expect anyone i'm with to believe that i did and take into account any input i have along those lines. Consider it a service: there's an easily accessible resource a D can go to to find out how to arrange my overall life that keeps me holistically healthy--in optimum condition, and it's me. i won't give up ultimate control over doing or being what makes me truly happy, truly content--i pretty much know what those are and i don't require anyone telling me differently.

If there are people or animals i consider under my care i'm willing to ask and hear opinions or advice, but final decisions made are mine.



Hello little monkey,
Beautifully worded.  Yes, I know myself really well.  If I'm in a funk, I know what gets me out of it.  I know what I need.  I may be high maintenance, but I maintain myself pretty well.  I know what makes me tick, I know what upsets me, I know how to handle it.  Getting me to do the thing that gets me out of the funk, that's not quite so easy.  That's where I could use a little support - not control - support.

The whole "I know what's best for you" bullshit after a short time... come on!  I've been in this body over 40 years.  I do have a clue.  On a good day, I have two!

I won't allow someone to run my life pretty much in any way, shape or form.  Never again.  As Signore Wonderful said, "I have better things to do with my time than try to dictate what you do on a day to day level."  He liked when I wore something pretty, so I gussied up a bit for him - of my own choice.  He didn't like me to have more than one drink, and I didn't generally like to either, so that was fine. 

But nah, I know myself.  He was smart enough to know that, trust it, and utilize it.  Shame he's on another continent.  Ah, well.

best,
sunshine


I am with the little monkey and sunshine. FFS, I am an adult, I know me far better than anyone else, and I love the man dearly, but he is never going to influence me on things I feel strongly about. Maybe some of this comes with age, or knowing who are are right down deep in your gut, but my desire to please him and to make him happy seems more important than him micromanaging when I sleep or eat, or any other control issue.

I remember a thread when I first came here about "allowing" your slave to vote and just thought if I ever ventured that far into losing myself I would be completely horrified.

We are in an adult relationship where he is the more dominant partner and I love and respect that, but the key thing for me is that I don't think he would find me nearly as interesting (challenging..lol) if I kowtowed to every notion he had, from shoes to caring for our pets, he loves me for being ME, not just an extension of him with breasts and a pulse.  


_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Another thread about control.. and anyone can reply! - 12/4/2010 10:07:55 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Aynne, i agree with your post. But there are people on both sides who are into the micro-management dynamic. You and i just dont happen to be one of those people.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Aynne88)
Profile   Post #: 40
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