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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 11:55:08 AM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		Hoo, boy, this is one of those posts that can trigger all kinds of discussions. First of all,what is a TPE relationship? At what point can you call it a 'real' TPE relationship? In the old days on the usenet discussions groups used to be some pretty hairy flame wars over this......some who argued that a TPE meant the dominant/owner literally had control over everything and if they ceded any kind of autonomy, well, then it wasn't real.....*ick*......

I have never done a TPE relationship personally (been in collared ones, but not TPE particularly) but I know people who serious do them, both with female and male doms, or at least what they describe as TPE, and like everything else in this scene it to me is something that is built up with the parameters what fits the people's lifestyles and such. It is great to read fiction about the rich dom/me who is independantly wealthy and can therefore have a TPE kind of master/slave relationship, but how many people can do that? Most middle and working class people these days need two salaries, so the 'ideal' of having a true slave living at the home as a full time slave isn't going to work right.

Now some of the relationships I know of are like that (usually male dom with a high powered job), but it is rare. And even where financially they can do it, neither the owner nor slave wanted that kind of relationship, the owner, even though they could float it on one paycheck, wanted the slave to work outside the home, have their own base and fulfillment, to have their own identity despite being owned. Among other things, it means that if the relationship goes south, both the owner and slave know the slave can make it on their own, and not have to worry about it (and as part of owning someone, if the dom/me doesn't care about such things with their slave, they are not IMO fit to own someone). If the owner needs a slave in a TPE to work, it isn't that the slave is owned by their employer, it is they are doing something their owner wants.

My other take is 24/7 relationship like this IME doesn't happen from putting an ad on something like this place, TPE/TPE-like relationships are kind of like when you buy a house, when you buy a house you have to spend time making it your own from the things that already exist, it is rare to buy a house that is perfect and you don't want to change anything. Given the dynamics of a TPE, the trust (both ways I might add) between master and slave, it is something that is going to take time to work out, to feel each other out and see what such a relationship (if they still desire it) will entail, they grow into it.

And quite honestly, both people have to have their shit in order to be able to handle this kind of intense relationship, and neither can be using it to mask their own issues and such, it isn't going to work, which is another reason it takes time.

Quite honestly, I cannot blame a dominant who sees someone immediately looking for the kind of owned relationship the OP put up who shies away, it comes off, intentional as not, as a slave pushing themselves on a dominant, setting the parameters before they even met, classic example of topping from the bottom so to speak. It is one thing to state it as a potential eventual goal but trying to put together a TPE from an ad? It comes off as someone who doesn't really understand what that means or about the needs of dominants in such a relationship. As one friend of mine put it, she said that if she got into a total control relationship, it damn well was going to be on terms she wanted and if there was conflict, either her boundaries were respected or the relationship didn't happen...plus she also said there wasn't enough time in the day to have to control everything every second, after all, part of the reason to have a slave is to make life easier, not have to go through what you do with an infant child:)

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 11:56:12 AM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		Relax. We're trying to help. For real.
Depression is shit. And trying to find your way out of it via a Mistress might not be the best thing for you, is all. Take care of you.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 12:23:44 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks. Yes, depression is a terrible thing, after 15 years of trying everything to escape it I am at a complete loss. I have tried to start fresh by moving to new places, tried medication, tried therapy, nothing has been able to help so this was my last mental escape. But you are right, it is probably not the right way, and simply trying to burden a Mistress with all my problems would not be fair either. I just don't know what to do anymore :-(

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fornica

Relax. We're trying to help. For real.
Depression is shit. And trying to find your way out of it via a Mistress might not be the best thing for you, is all. Take care of you.

(in reply to Fornica)
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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 12:58:46 PM   
Fornica


Posts: 2986
Status: offline 		Don't stop seeking until you find.
You are your only advocate. Switch doctors. Try a new path. Do ANYTHING that you haven't tried. I know you probably don't feel like it, but do it anyways.

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There is no spoon.


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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 1:01:59 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I have been down that path. It took a lot of trial and error to find the right treatment. Keep fighting, it's YOUR quality of life on the line.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 1:23:14 PM   
Ninebelowzero


Posts: 3134
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline 		TPE Oh I give up.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 1:40:34 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks LadyHibiscus. I'm just tired of trying, I have exhausted all my resources; I've tried everything from living a lavish materialistic lifestyle, self medicating with alcohol and stimulants, taking antidepressants and antipsychotics, in and out-patient therapy, to pursuing idiotic escape fantasies such as my latest attempt here. So far nothing has worked and I now find myself in a situation where just about everybody I know has abandoned or is avoiding me, I am so deeply in debt that I am facing eviction in less than a month, face deportation once my work visa gets cancelled by my current part time employer, and who knows what else is headed my way :-( Sorry for the pity-party, I know this isn't the right forum for this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I have been down that path. It took a lot of trial and error to find the right treatment. Keep fighting, it's YOUR quality of life on the line.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 3:56:55 PM   
Higuysitsme


Posts: 127
Joined: 12/10/2011
From: Sheffield, UK
Status: offline 		Wow! Sorry to hear that, lildude; not good. Can only sympathise, but all best wishes to you.

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Be noble, because you are made of Stardust.'
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'There is no way to peace and happiness;
Peace and happiness is the way.'
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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 4:56:51 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My brother was just institutionalized for 6 months - I sympathize. Hang in there. Let me know if you'd like to discuss alternative approaches to compliment conventional medicine.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 5:47:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		What my psychiatrist said, when the suicidal ideation returned after a ten or fifteen year remission, is that when medication doesn't work, that's when you want to consider ECT. It works when nothing else does.

I suggest you go to the ER of a hospital with a good psych ward and sign yourself in. And talk to them about this. Bring with you a history of the meds you have unsuccessfully tried.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/10/2011 5:51:13 PM >

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 6:46:40 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		I am going to say something a lot of people will think both insensitive and asinine.

Eat right and exercise.

Completely effin stupid, right? I tell you from personal experience, it can have a profound effect.

What experience? PTSD & recurrent severe depression.

Best wishes and sympathy go out to Lildude

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 8:16:25 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		Honestly, I do not want a slave that I need to micro-manage. I want a submissive with a mind and opinions of his own & who will let me know those opinions, even if I choose to do something else anyway.

I have thought about 24/7 TPE in the past, but I just have no space to have a TPE situation and can't afford a sub/slave that doesn't work, as I live with my also Dominant partner in a small one-bedroom apartment. If you are looking for a 24/7/365 TPE situation in which you do not work outside the home, I think you will have a hard time finding that, as not at Dommes have the time or inclination to have an s-type that doesn't help support himself. We are still women and, as such, make less money for the same work than men do. According to this Wikipedia article women in the U.S. made 77% of the wages that men do as of 2009.

If I did have room, what I would want would be more along the lines of a submissive that works outside the home, as we both do, and lived with us in the same place. I would not want a submissive who would turn over all his $$ to me, but all three of us would share equally in the costs of living. I would not be unreasonable in what I expect of him, as we'd all be working & be tired at the end of the day. Also, I'm just not an unreasonable person.

~edited to add~ I didn't realize when I initially posted this that you are depressed. In that case, before you go looking for a Domme, I would get the depression under control. It will go a lot better for you if you do. Find a good psychotherapist and get some psych care, start eating and sleeping right, showering, get exercise - that does get the endorphins going, really - make sure you take care of yourself, don't isolate, get out and see people. Yes, I sound like someone's mother, but I am. Also, I've been depressed myself and these are the kinds of things I did to get myself out of it. Also, IF meds help you, the right ones can do miracles.

NBMG


< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 12/10/2011 8:25:07 PM >

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 10:01:54 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		I see your point NiceButMeanGirl. I know I need to get depression under control…  there obviously aren't gonna be any woman interested in associating with someone who is mentally unstable. At the same time I have to be honest it's quite hard not to get bitter, I yearn for any kind of female attention and it seems like it's the one thing I will never be able to get. I'm 30 now, never been in a relationship or even gotten close to it, haven't even bothered asking anyone out in over 8 years because of how women generally react to me.

At the same time I have the sex drive of a teenager which only further puts me in the desperate horny loser category, hardly something any woman wants to deal with. It's probably one of the reasons my focus has increasingly shifted on my fetishes, however selfish they may appear. It's the only sexual release I get, although as of late it has also gotten me into more financial trouble discovering eBanned, an adult auction website. Not surprisingly there are plenty of women out there who have made it a sport to financially exploit losers like me by either not delivering what they promised or by non-consensual financial blackmail. They can obviously get away with it too, after all, perverts are like drug addicts, they won't call the cops on their dealer. Guess being taken for a ride is about all I can ask for anyway, it's not like I have anything to offer to a real woman :-( Sorry about the rant, just feeling the need to vent. 

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 11:22:44 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		So far, the advice has been good - especially the bit about diet & exercise (again from personal experience). I'm sorry to add to your frustrations here lildude, but there's a 900 lb gorilla noone's brought up yet:

It's a buyer's market. Especially online. The ratio of supposed guys to supposed girls is about 5:1 here on CM, and those are actually good odds. Dominant women (including switches) are about 1/3 of the female population here (I get bored enough to do periodic headcounts). A lot of the dominae who advertise here are professionals advertising for their business. The others get a thousand messages a day. Any heterosexual guy on this site is a salmon swimming upstream.

Look - a change of life (and thus of perspective) can break you out of a rut, but you're describing chronic depression. This won't help with that. Personally, I use art, writing, and trancendental meditation to cope, and there's a lot of days when I'm only semi-functional. I do understand. A lot of us do.

This does not mean you should give up, by the way. A TPE per se might not help (probably won't) but a relationship might. Zeus alone knows where I'd be without my wife.

< Message edited by Suleiman -- 12/10/2011 11:25:15 PM >

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Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/10/2011 11:58:58 PM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks Suleiman, It’s good to hear that there are people who understand how difficult it is. There is nothing more frustrating than people giving me the standards responses like “just stop feeling sorry for yourself and go for a walk” or “look at how much better than others you have it.” Chronic depression is so much worse than the blues, unfortunately language doesn’t suffice to describe how dark a place it is and people who haven’t been through it have no reference other than when something bad happened to them and they were feeling depressed, not that I want to trivialize any sadness others have felt but when you’re chronically depressed for a good 15 years it can really take on a life of its own. I have lost jobs and friends because of it, it’s definitely not that I’m just lazy or trying to manipulate others for attention, I could think of a lot less costly and painful ways of getting attention even though that seems to be what most end up accusing me of. I am glad you found your wife, it must be very helpful to have someone who keeps you grounded and to have someone to talk to; being alone with your thoughts can quickly become dangerous or even life-threatening.  I have gone weeks without any type of social interaction, not even as much as a phone call (not counting debt collectors) and it’s maddening. I wish I had someone to give me that stability, but I’m not kidding myself, I would obviously make a terrible partner and even if I found someone it obviously wouldn’t be fair to expect her to fix me up. I think what drives my desire to be in a TPE relationship is the attraction I feel toward confident and strong women, I have had several friends with those personality traits and even though they were not dommes and certainly had no romantic interest in me I felt incredibly save and protected in their presence. Sounds selfish, I know.

I just want to apologize to everyone for hijacking this board, I know it's not the right place for this type of discussion but I genuinely appreciate the kind words I have received from some of you, thank you.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/11/2011 12:30:50 AM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lildude81va

I just want to apologize to everyone for hijacking this board, I know it's not the right place for this type of discussion but I genuinely appreciate the kind words I have received from some of you, thank you.



Don't feel like this was the wrong place to bring up the subject. I actually think that your problem is a more common one among subs than you may realize at the moment. If this thread does you some good, it was the right place to bring it up, and I can assure you that there are several other people that will have benefited as well.

Sadly, I don't have any magic words to offer you that will fix everything.
I did went through a rather sever depression myself at one point, though from the sound of it nothing that can compare to yours, both in severity as well as longevity.
I don't know if it will help you any, but I would like to explain to you how I beat my depression If it won't do good, at least it's another perspective.

I got out of my depression by basically faking it until I made it.
When I was depressed, I got tons of good advice, from friends and therapists alike, on all the things I should be doing to get out of the hole. The problem was that precisely because of the depression, I didn't feel like doing any of those things. In fact, they where the last thing on Earth I wanted to do. Even when I tried, they didn't really seem to help, and instead felt like an empty hollow reminder precisely of how my life wasn't what I din't want it to be.

Until, finally, I reached a point where, despite not feeling like it, despite it not seeming to help, despite it seeming to drain me of energy, I decided that I would simple make myself do all the things I was supposed to do, and make myself act as if I wasn't depressed.
I basically hit rock bottom, and I figured that as shitty as my life already was, adding misery to it by trying to act like I wasn't depressed and adding misery to it by pressing on and forcing myself to do all the things I was told was going to help the depression wasn't going to be able to make it any worse than it already was.

I had a reasonable long time where I was resolved to killing myself, and the only thing stopping my was the fact that I kept telling myself: "I can always kill myself tomorrow. Being death will make it all go away. But seeing that being death will make it all go away, it doesn't really matter if I suffer just one more day."
I spend months telling myself that tomorrow I'd kill myself if it didn't get any better. And every day I renewed that promise, until one day, I noticed, while looking back, that there had lately been more and more days that I had simple forgotten to make myself that promises. Looking back, I realized I was having more and more days that where good enough so that I forgot how miserable I was.

In the end, I basically faked not being depressed until not being depressed became a self-fulfilling prophecy and I couldn't remember the last time I had actually felt depressed.
Somewhere along the way, unnoticeable, I had actually starting to enjoy doing the things I previously had simple forced myself to do, to the point where those things became a reason to do them of themselves.

Good luck,

Ishtar

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Ein kleiner Schnitt und du wirst geil
Egal, erlaubt ist, was gefällt

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Das tut dir gut.
Hör wie es schreit!

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/11/2011 1:07:51 AM   
lildude81va


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/10/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks Ishtar.

I am glad to hear you were able to beat depression. Right now I am in the exact spot you once were:  suicidal and yet somehow always gaining strength to live another day by repeating the "I can always kill myself tomorrow" mantra. It's a sick way of living, I've had two therapists who had to drop me because they couldn't handle it, but the fact that I am still here and that you even managed to overcome it proves that when things get bad enough any escape fantasy, no matter how dark and dangerous, can be helpful.

Now if only those high-paid therapists could understand this instead of being overly worried about their legal liability and getting rid of patients by having them hospitalized. I've been to the hospital and I just don't view it as anything helpful, it seems to be a holding tank designed to prevent people from hurting themselves so no one gets sued but there seems to be very little therapeutic value, at least based on my experience. I guess it may be a good escape for people who need to get away from external factors so they get a chance to collect themselves and do something about the situation but it just doesn't seem to be an effective way of treating depression.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story, it was very encouraging to hear and maybe I too can somehow force myself to do the things people tell me, after all, what do I have to lose?

Thanks again.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/11/2011 4:10:34 AM   
Ninebelowzero


Posts: 3134
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline 		2 yrs ago I lost the job, the house & by far the worse coming home to my kid as me & the ex were already splitting up, this threw me right out into a very dark place. At first it was the loss of daily quality time with the kid & that started the shitstorm. I got scraps of work here & there but couldn't even fulfill the most basic tasks that I had taken for granted for nigh on 30 years in the workplace. I didn't even know I was ill & by the time I sussed out what was happening I couldn't remember anything & I mean anything of the last 18 months. I still had weekly access to my kid but every time he left on Sunday I would hit rock bottom again. I was lucky in that I got referred to a councillor who worked out what made me tick very quickly. After giving up on trying to find a job he ncouraged me that I needed the workplace.
I took a job with 3 hrs travel everyday at minimum wage after paying the rent & filling the car I had £20 left every week for food etc. Times were very hard but the councillor was right. 4 months doing that & being in hock to mum for a fair bit I landed a dilly of a contract on my doorstep.

The one bit of advice that worked for me was this.

Fix what you can fix. Fuck everything else off.

The black dog moments are still around, when we shut for 3 weeks in summer I was mental busy for the 1st fortnight & at a loose end for the third & the little bastard came back & I had a right old wrestling match with myself not to spiral downwards again.
All the advice in the world is good but you have to find what works for you. For me it's not getting a desk job where I've got time to think it's to work myself to the point where I'm too damned tired to get down. I won't work as an engineer or in management again. Heavy production work has got me fitter & keeps me too knackered to be depressed. I don't take tablets & haven't for 18 months. I'm trying to fix the problem not mask it.

So good luck to anyone with this illness it's a true bastard to get a fix on.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/11/2011 5:05:41 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I am going to say something a lot of people will think both insensitive and asinine. Eat right and exercise. Completely effin stupid, right? I tell you from personal experience, it can have a profound effect. What experience? PTSD & recurrent severe depression. Best wishes and sympathy go out to Lildude


I was hesitant to mention this because my depression was moderate, and IIRC the studies show it is most effective for mild to moderate depression, and it sounds like the OP's is more severe. But yes, trite as it sounds, eating right and exercising was where I was going.

I often have to force myself, but am always glad I've done it.

I both go to the gym and walk outdoors regularly.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Management_of_depression#Exercise

"A 2001 study by the Duke University in North Carolina found that exercise is a more effective treatment for depression than antidepressants, with fewer relapses and a higher recovery rate."[83] An earlier Duke study likewise found patients who completed 30 minutes of brisk exercise at least three times a week had a significantly lower incidence of relapse; "Only 8 percent of patients in the exercise group had their depression return, while 38 percent of the drug-only group and 31 percent of the exercise-plus-drug group relapsed."[84]

Vigorous exercise has significant physiological effects which help to reduce stress and counter depression. Also, by improving fitness and self-esteem, exercise may enable the sufferer to cope better with demanding events and situations and so reduce the likelihood of depressing failure.[85]

Exercise in natural surroundings such as the countryside or parks is especially recommended because contact with nature and green spaces has a positive effect upon mental health.[86] Gardening is an ideal activity of this sort, providing mental, practical and social benefits.[87]

[from the 2009 study]

Blumenthal cautioned that the study did not include patients who were acutely suicidal or had what is termed psychotic depression. Also, since patients were recruited by advertisements, these patients were motivated to get better and interested in exercise.

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RE: Are there any real dominant women into TPE? - 12/11/2011 5:20:37 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I've been to the hospital and I just don't view it as anything helpful, it seems to be a holding tank designed to prevent people from hurting themselves so no one gets sued but there seems to be very little therapeutic value, at least based on my experience.


My brother goes to the hospital when he feels himself getting psychotic. He does get stable in there, but the last two times, his experience has been as yours - not much treatment for underlying issues. It probably does save his life though.

(in reply to lildude81va)
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