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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:30:12 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		Actually that's why I posted this. I was hoping to find a magic way to communicate with him without hurting his feeling and telling him that he is doing something wrong because I'm not enjoying it. I did tell him about the pain and bleeding after . He told me to take a warm bath and try to rest . I try to talk to him tonight after dinner

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:37:22 AM   
cutiewithabootie


Posts: 88
Joined: 6/16/2013
Status: offline 		"Hey, you! Yeah you! I realize you have more experience, but there are experienced submissive masochists that have a huge problem with anal sex and no lube! Also I didn't have fun and you hurt me. It makes me normal if I don't love pain. YOUR way isn't working. We need to work something else out."

Except I would be a lot more rude. I am submissive if I have circumstances that make me feel secure enough to submit. If I don't feel secure I usually don't stay long and you only get regular me, as opposed to submissive sex kitten that is all to happy to help you realize your fantasys over and over again.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:37:41 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I'm very sorry to bother you and post this. I thought maybe if I learn more maybe I love it too so we can both enjoy it. I'm not a victim at all. I moved in with him because I love him not because I was forced. I just thought maybe I can find a way to make it pleasurable for me too ( not all about him).. Sorry to waste your time



You didn't waste our time. You are not the first person to have this sort of thing happen to. That you knew enough to come ask questions is a good thing.

I agree with the others, his approach to this is all wrong. He does not appear to care for your well being in the least. And that's abuse.

Ask yourself this, please: How would he feel if he knew you were posting this? Would be get angry? Or would he be proud of you for looking out for your own well being?

Good dominants (no matter how ignorant) would be proud -- bad dominants get angry.

Please start today taking steps to get away from this person. What resources do you have? Do you have a friend to stay with?



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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:41:57 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		He would be very very angry . He is a very private person and he will be very mad if he finds out that I talked about him to strangers. Maybe I should have asked for his permission first :(

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:47:00 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He did do warm up for a few minutes ... Worst part was using the belt on me and anal after that . He has no lube policy so for anal he pushes until its in. I don't wanna complain and nag but I bleed after that...



Stop right there. He's not a Dom, he's abusive.

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:47:47 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		As abusers isolate their victims, if he is abusive (and not just confused from watching too much porn), he would not have given you permission anyway.

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:55:43 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He did do warm up for a few minutes ... Worst part was using the belt on me and anal after that . He has no lube policy so for anal he pushes until its in. I don't wanna complain and nag but I bleed after that...


Ok, this is crazy. You had a vanilla relationship for 8 months and NOW he just springs this on you? That is bullshit to highest degree. I don't care if you are crazy about him; if he never communicated his interests in BDSM to you before, he cannot just demand this.

You did not agree to this conceptually or intellectually, although you did physically if that makes sense.

He cannot hurt you without your consent and if you are not into this just tell him to stop.

Never do anything you are not completetly comfortable with. He sounds like a complete jerk, sorry. Anyone who is into something should communicate and ease someone into these things, not just go from zero to 60 on a whim.

Jeez, some men are such tools.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/5/2013 11:56:04 AM >

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:57:13 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		OP, I'm going to give you another heads up:

You said that relocated and transferred everything to be with him, you've been together 8 months......and he waited until a month ago to tell you that he wanted a relationship where you have no say.

You don't find that dishonest? I mean, it's not like he suddenly decided that last month. He knew before you came along.

Here's the thing with BDSM D/s, it requires a lot of trust. How can you trust a guy that wasn't honest about what kind of relationship he wanted? Doesn't care about doing you permanent harm. Doesn't communicate. And lies to you about his experience level.

You're allowing your emotions to cloud your judgement.

_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 12:04:48 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, some of your replies to the good advice is sounding like an abused/confused woman (being afraid to post, talk to him, him telling you "screaming is ok, talking is not", etc.) I had someone say that last line to me that I was in a relationship with and I got rid of him. He thought it sounded hot and I thought, nope, he is totally ignoring me needs. I thought I loved him too, but he became an abusive fucktard who said he loved me, but did not show it.

You moved too fast to move to him, ok fine. But you came here with questions because you KNOW this is all wrong. Now, stand up for yourself, no one else will.

You are young; please, please understand that loving someone does not mean accepting whatever they give you.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/5/2013 12:05:45 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 12:16:45 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

He is not good at communicating ( he gives general explanations like no whining no crying but screaming is ok, or if i ask questions in the middle i get punished ..) and hates it when I ask too many questions so I just shut up...


I think it's crappy that he waited 8 months to tell you he was into this.

I cannot over emphasize the importance of communication in BDSM. There is no magic communication trick that will turn him into a receptive listener. For your own safety and sanity, if you want to keep the relationship, I suggest you telling him you'd like to keep the relationship but are 1. not interested in kinky sex with him unless you can negotiate every step along the way or 2. not interested in kinky sex at all.

Oh, I don't ask questions in the middle - but I trust that my man knows what he's doing. I can tell that he is watching my body language very closely and carefully. If something could use a tweak, we discuss it afterwards, and he LISTENS to me.

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 12:49:22 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
He is not good at communicating ( he gives general explanations like no whining no crying but screaming is ok, or if i ask questions in the middle i get punished ..) and hates it when I ask too many questions so I just shut up...Thank you very much for reading my post

That would be majorly crap in a non BDSM relationship. In a BDSM relationship, especially when it's new to you, it's absolutely not something that can work.

You have to know this though. You aren't stupid and everyone knows that communication is a vital part of relationships. And deep down, you must know that him getting angry when you ask questions is not right or fair on you.

I'm not going to bullshit you. He is already putting your physical safety and health at risk. I see no reason to believe that will get better. It won't, it'll get worse. It's your decision. But be clear that if you carry on with this, you're doing the relationship equivalent of juggling with chainsaws.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 12:54:12 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I asked him this question. He said he has this kind of relationship only with girls he really loves . He said when he is not serious with a girl he does vanilla stuff . He said he wanted to live with me first and be sure about me then talks about the subject. I'm not regretting moving in with him . I'm crazy for him. I'm just trying to find a way to make it work

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:01:33 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		And you believed that?

Here's the bottom line with this thread: A bunch of experienced people in successful long term relationships have told you this situation is fucked up.

You want to keep finding excuses for his bad behavior and want to use the fact that you're crazy about him to justify staying.

So, I'm done. Go justify all the crap he's doing and saying. But, when it goes south at least have the spine to own your mistakes and not play the victim.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:08:00 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		he has this kind of relationship only with girls he really loves...means telling you this so you will accept abuse
He said he wanted to live with me first and be sure about me then talks about the subject.......means he wants to find out if you will accept his abuse but only tell you not ask or talk about it, accept it or go away, knowing that you love him means he knows that you will try to accept being hurt in pretense of love.

My hubby and I have the same age difference to you. Im 28 years ahead of you, I wouldnt have lasted a week with him if he had started ignoring or insisting on "hurting" me without some SERIOUS discussion and discussion about limits,comfort zones and what is ok and what isnt, both mine and his, AND if I was enjoying it or not, YOU DO have a say
And I have very sadistic leanings, but I also believe in giving a shit about someone I love. NOT breaking my pet and or giving a damn about what he likes and what he wont like.
If you wont leave or put up your will wont do list, then that is down to you.
He sounds like he doesnt much care = not someone I would wanna stay with. Dont loose all your self respect


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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:12:38 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		If he senses your hesitation at your current arrangement, it's likely he'll say anything to get you back around to his side.

You've already said you gave up your job, your residence, and moved to another city to be with him. It's clear you're making a lot of sacrifices for this guy. What has he had to give up to earn your submission, if anything?

Your needs are just as important as his are. If they aren't being met -- sexually, emotionally, or otherwise -- you need to re-evaluate things.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:13:31 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I'm just trying to find a way to make it work

It won't. Unless he changes and he's not going to. So, it's whether it ends now or somewhere down the line where it will be even more difficult.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:14:04 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline 		For someone who has no experience your post seems to 'talk' the 'talk'.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:41:33 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Sheela, sweetie. I get you love him madly, and he is hurting you because he enjoys it. BUT there has to be something in it for you. And right now, it doesn't sound as if there is anything there for you.

I'm one of those weird people that like to get their butts beaten, but it hurts. Just because i'm masochistic doesn't mean I don't feel pain, I just process it differently. You may never find any sort of pleasure from pain, and you can have a relationship with a sadist. Its just that you won't feel any pleasure from this.

The first thing you need to do is read up on bdsm relationships, and YOU decide if this is something you could enjoy (not just the sessions/sex). If it is, you need to decide what sort of activities that you like. Can you find some checklists of things that can be involved in a bdsm relationship, and do your own checking. That way,, when you talk to your SO you could have something to offer, instead of just saying what you don't like.

If being a submissive is something you can live with and enjoy, you - and he - need to realize that you CAN say no to things, without being "unsubmissively". You have the RIGHT to say no to anything.


as for anal sex without lube? I love anal, and I wouldn't do it without lube.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AND RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR NEEDS! and his needs don't take precedence over your. Its kind of like the airline warnings - you put your mask on before taking care of anyone else.

If a bdsm relationship isn't right for you, be upfront and tell him. He may get mad, but he needs to put on his big boy panties and deal with it. And so do you. You are an adult and can deal with someone getting angry.


(in reply to lilcracker)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:43:06 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You keep saying you love him and want it to work. Ask yourself why? What is he doing (not say, doing)?

This is not the way a person shows they care about you. Why don't you see that? We keep telling you this is not BDSM it's abuse. Why aren't you listening?

When you're as old as I am, (hopefully) you will understand being in a bad relationship is worse than being alone. Being in a bad relationship with a sadist is dangerous.







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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 1:49:30 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

When you're as old as I am, (hopefully) you will understand being in a bad relationship is worse than being alone. Being in a bad relationship with a sadist is dangerous.








Actually I disagree with this statement. Being in a relationship with a sadist isn't dangerous. Being in a relationship with a sadist who disregards the feeling of his partner is dangerous. As is being in a relationship with someone who thinks that changing boundries in mid-relationship without discussion first is ok.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 40
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