smileforme50
Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
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I also need to write all this out to try to organize my thoughts. Things are so jumbled in my head right now. Sorry this is so long, and I know most of you already know a lot of these details about me from previous postings... but here's the situation....
I'm 48 years old, single, with no kids....jut a cat. (God that's sad...lol)
I have a 2 year college degree for a profession that I loved when I worked in it, but when I lost my driver's license 18 years ago due to a medical issue, I had to drop out of school for another degree I was working on at the time, and I could no longer work in my original chosen profession. I had to find a job that was on a bus route with regular hours that matched the bus schedules (no holidays, nights or weekends....no emergency calls).
So 11 years ago I got a job with the State government.
The Pros: It gives me the schedule I need, LOTS of paid leave, very good inexpensive benefits, a stable retirement pension that I am now vested in, and short and long-term disability that doesn't cost me anything out of my check. Most of all....it is a secure position, the chances of my being laid off or downsized are next to zero.
The Cons: The job is boring as hell, it's not the kind of work I wish I could be doing, it's not all that challenging, and the pay STINKS. I make just enough to cover my rent, utilities and necessities. If my electric bill is low enough, sometimes I'll have $20-$30 to put in savings. We haven't had a raise in 4 years....but my rent has gone up every year, and honestly, I can't imagine myself being able to EVER retire....I just won't be able to afford it. The pension alone is not going to be enough. I finally managed to get my driver's license back last year, but I really can't afford to buy and maintain a car on what I make. So I feel like I'm kind of stuck in a bad circle...I need a better job to be able to afford a car, but I need a better education to be able to get a better job to be able to afford the car and pay for the education. I feel like I'm just chasing my tail. Plus....this winter with all the snow we've had, has also made me REALLY sick of having to risk my life riding the bus around town
But like I said....the job is very secure, and I have to admit that I feel "safe" in a certain way.
So recently I've had something fall into my lap and part of me (but not all of me) wants to say "If it sounds too good to be true...it probably is". The other part of me is telling me that feeling "safe" is great, but if I really want to change things, I'm going to have to give up feeling "safe" and take some risks. The trouble is, I never was much of a risk-taker, and now at 48, it's even more difficult.
The situation:
Awhile ago a started talking on CM to a Dominant who lives in Florida. We have met a couple of times when he came up north on business, and I really like him and we seem to get along very well. But for the most part I have kept things very casual because I'm not interested in a LDR and up to this point I wasn't willing to consider the possibility of relocating......because .....like I said....I'm safe and secure where I am.
Up to this point, he has been a very good friend....he's such a wonderful listener. This weekend we spent NINE hours on Saturday and another NINE hours on Sunday talking on the phone, joking and flirting and talking about all this stuff on my mind.
This resulted in him making me a serious offer to move down to Florida. He has told me that he would love to have me as his slave, but if I decided I didn't want to be his slave, he wouldn't hold it against me. He tells me that he would be willing to help me regardless of what our relationship is or is not.
He told me that he has a car that I can have....no charge....no strings attached. AND I can even have this car regardless of whether I move to Florida or not. I would have to go down there and drive it home myself. I don't really know what kind of shape this car is in, but he assures me that it drives perfectly fine and is (Florida) tagged and would easily pass inspection. But I did tell him that even if I did that, I don't think I can afford to keep insurance on it.
But we got back on the subject of me moving down there. He told me that regardless of where I wanted to live, if I wanted to move down there, he would rent the truck and help me make the move. Moving down there would give me the car he is offering to me, and there are a LOT of colleges down there I would be able to attend if I wanted.
He said that I have the option (if I wanted to be his slave) of living with him. If I didn't want to live with him, he has a rental house that is empty right now....and I could live there rent-free. He says even if I didn't pay him rent for it, the benefit he would get is that it wouldn't be sitting empty and a possible target for break ins or vandals. So he wouldn't care about my paying rent.
He is giving me a wonderful opportunity and telling me that he wouldn't put me under any obligation to him. He tells me that the only "favor" he is truly doing for me in all of this would be renting the moving truck and helping me move, because the house is already sitting empty and the car is already sitting collecting dust....so someone may as well use them.
Unless I lived with him, I would still need to get some kind of job to buy groceries and put gas in the car and such. I would also need to explore "Obamacare" to get some medical coverage. But, he says that he would help me financially if I needed it at least until I finished school.
The one "safety net" I would have if I did pack up and move down there and things with him didn't work out as I wanted....or things weren't what he says they are....is that my other sister lives near Tampa....so in a serious pinch I would at least have a place to live and wouldn't be out in the streets.
THE REST OF THE DILEMMA
The idea of doing something this drastic and extreme scares the hell out of me, and I keep thinking about the idea of going back to school. If I can get a degree finished in say....6 years, I'm going to be freaking 55 years old and just starting a new career (and probably with a healthy student loan debt). But at the same time I am reminded of something my father told me once. I was thinking about getting involved in some long-term project ( I don't even remember what it was) and I said to him "But damn....by the time I'm finiished, I'm going to be 36 years old!" And my father's response was "Yeah....and how old do you thnk you're going to be in 6 years if you don't do this?" So I can't help but think about being 55 and STILL not having the degree and job I want.
Then there are family issues. My mom is almost 71 and not in the best of health. She survived lung cancer almost 9 years ago, but she suffers from permanent damage in her lungs. Up to this point, she has still been my "chauffeur" whenever I really needed it. She lives with my sister but is in the process of moving out to a "senior living" apartment. This apartment she is moving to is very close to where I am living now....so....she would give me regular (if not permanent/constant) use of her car. Plus....with my living so close, the "plan" is that the responsiblility of looking after her will now shift from my sister to me. Which up to this point I was perfectly willing and prepared to do.
But now I have this opportunity of changing my own life and going to Florida. I feel so horrible thinking about doing this because it was expected that I was the one that was going to (primarily) look after Mom. Now I can't help but feel like I'm abandoning her. My sister and my brother are only 3 miles away, but I know they don't have nearly the amount of time to give her that I do.
The other problem is timing. I don't have a LOT of time to mull all this over and carefully investigate all the possibilities and issues. The lease on my apartment will be up on May 1st. If I sign another lease, I'm stuck here for another 12 months and this whole Florida idea is either up in smoke or at least shelved for a whole year. I can go on a month-to-month lease, but if I do that my rent will be $150 more than it is right now. I **might** be able to handle that for 1 or 2 months, but that would be it.
What do you think? What would you do?
_____________________________
“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”
She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.
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I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would ... - 
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