RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and would like some feedback....

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RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 2:03:03 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

When I forget the stupid shit parents get blamed for and held against them, someone always shows up to show me exactly why we have so many elderly unable to fend for themselves, living alone, afraid for anyone to know how incompetent they are.

I know what happened with my kids and how stupid some of the claims now are, since daddy showed up with a bundle after not caring a bit about them and not paying a dime in child support or caring for them until they were adults and now I'm the bad parent. I get how stupid kids can be, I really do.

But man... a comment where a mother that most likely didn't mean to be harmful, just made sense to her... is held against her and used as reason for so many things? I call bullshit on that. In all the years, new doctors couldn't be found to prove that it wasn't true?

This victim role that so many play excusing all that happened bad to them... and nothing works and oh how wronged I've been... sours the chocolate I just ate. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Pull up your adult panties and get on with it. After adulthood... there is no reason for parents to continue to be blamed for decades of failure to be happy, grow up or live a life you wish to have. Stay, go, whatever... but if it is really that bad... send mama to me. I'll take care of her. Hell, we can sit around and talk about how bad our kids are and then go have some fun, even if its a board game.

Now, you can give me shit for that. I'll take the victimization and won't even complain... of course I won't give a fuck either.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 81

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 2:22:32 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman

It can be, as long as she communicates to them the reason why. Six years ago, I had to move back in with my mom to take care of her, as she began losing her sight and hearing. Originally, my sister was the primary benificiary on the bank account, insurance, etc. Mom called her up and explained to her the reason she was doing this, and my sister accepted it without argument. As a result, when mom passed back in '12, my sister and I weren't at loggerheads over who got what. I don't know it that helps, but it's about all I can offer you.

I'm not worried about who gets what.....although she did tell me that was one reason she was doing it....because I make a LOT less than my sister does. But my concern is that it will make my moving to Florida even less likely than it already is......because Mon is expecting me to take care of her.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)

Post #: 82

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 2:29:44 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
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Talk about a rock and a hard place. I had to deal with that as well. I had an opportunity to get a good job in Nebraska, but that had to be passed up because I was needed here. Sounds like you need to have a sibling-wide discussion on this matter.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 83

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 2:31:45 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rawni

When I forget the stupid shit parents get blamed for and held against them, someone always shows up to show me exactly why we have so many elderly unable to fend for themselves, living alone, afraid for anyone to know how incompetent they are.

I know what happened with my kids and how stupid some of the claims now are, since daddy showed up with a bundle after not caring a bit about them and not paying a dime in child support or caring for them until they were adults and now I'm the bad parent. I get how stupid kids can be, I really do.

But man... a comment where a mother that most likely didn't mean to be harmful, just made sense to her... is held against her and used as reason for so many things? I call bullshit on that. In all the years, new doctors couldn't be found to prove that it wasn't true?

This victim role that so many play excusing all that happened bad to them... and nothing works and oh how wronged I've been... sours the chocolate I just ate. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Pull up your adult panties and get on with it. After adulthood... there is no reason for parents to continue to be blamed for decades of failure to be happy, grow up or live a life you wish to have. Stay, go, whatever... but if it is really that bad... send mama to me. I'll take care of her. Hell, we can sit around and talk about how bad our kids are and then go have some fun, even if its a board game.

Now, you can give me shit for that. I'll take the victimization and won't even complain... of course I won't give a fuck either.

Wow....you sound like you're having a worse day than I am.....sorry about that.
I'm not sure I get what you're saying. Are you telling me to forget my own life and take care of Mom..... Or are you telling me you think I should go do what I want to do and leave Mom on her own? Or flip a coin to make the decision?

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 84

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 2:44:13 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

I am not having a rough day. I just find it hard to hear someone constantly have a reason that they can't make their own life work and work on their own behalf without blaming people constantly, finding reasons or limitations for their not being able to succeed. I have had a tough life too...

I gave up my life including my teeth to take care of my son for nearly a decade and until it became too dangerous for me to do so. I would have done it the rest of my life. My teeth hurt like you wouldn't believe and I get judged constantly on it. I have ramifications for my choice and so will anyone that is a care giver, to some point. Not once has anyone ever heard me complain about that. I may talk about it, but I always say... I couldn't have done anything different and I am not sorry I did. I would do it again. I don't like how it ended up, but it is what it is... next stage.

You cannot blame your mother for a comment she made at a doctors office if it were not true because you could have had that changed by proving it wasn't warranted. You have had one excuse after another and I get that... all excuses aren't bad, they often explain something, but when you hold what you said against your mother, I can see that your view of things is really off in my opinion and that leads to questioning the rest of this thread.

If you will resent her, don't take care of her. She hopefully can do better.

To prove I am not having a bad day... I am not angry. I have a guy here that is a CNA that plans on taking care of me... knowing what my children did and he sees me every single day, working on improving my life, laughing and most the time without a date or a car.

Do what you want... but coddling your pity party and reasoning's for not much suggested being workable... is ringing hollow for me.

How is it my bad day if I am calling you on what I see as really unfair towards your mother if you blame her for so very much and now use it to distance yourself because it might make your life better. Take the better life... you want to... do it. But send your mama to someone that will care for her and wont' be mad if she says something to a doctor... who most likely didn't want you hurting other people out there because the medical facts were what they were.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 85

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 3:37:09 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I have to agree with Rawni ther. If your opthamologist really said you shouldn't be driving, frankly you were a potential hazard before the epilepsy. To get your license back, you needed to be seizure free for a year, and obviously that didn't happen. Now, you have your license back, yippee. Glad I don't live in either state. Although I will tell you that FL doesn't dismiss bad driving easily, so good luck with that.

Honestly, what I see is that you want to go, but really don't have the guts to take the risk. Sadly, when you chicken out, your mom will get the blame. If you REALLY had wanted to continue your education, you would have done so. Now your pushing 50 and questioning prior decisions. Government jobs tend to come with tuition reimbursement. You say you spend an hour and a half each way traveling and live where you do because its on the bus route. I'm sure somewhere along that hour and a half route there are other plces to rent that you dismissed.

There are countless ways to continue an education when you want it. You've already admitted you will take on student loan, but have ignored several comments regarding on line education, which when done with a regionally (again NOT NATIONALY) accredited school is just as valid.

I worked full time, went to school full time and was a single mother with no one to help. I banged out 45 credits in one year. Why? Because I wanted to finish school and was willing to do it. You aren't. That's ok, not everyone is cut out to do what I did. But if you want it, you'll do it. If all you are going to do is complain about it, then you don't want it that bad.

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 86

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 3:47:31 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

You're really making it a lot more complicated than it really is. I'm not looking for pity of any kind. I just brought this topic up because this is a very difficult decision for me. I see the benefits and the problems no matter what decision I make, and the timing of everything just makes it even crazier.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 87

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 3:59:21 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

I'm making it more complicated?

Of course it's me!

I have no problem with people asking others and weighing things out, in fact I have done it myself, but within two pages... I knew.. what I already knew... and just wanted some input on because I was in the moment. It happens. Even to me.

However, it seems that whatever happens is someone elses fault or you can't do it or you don't like it or damn... limitation. Honey, I have more limitations than you do. I get them. What I don't get is the helpless victim thing and harboring things that really don't seem to add up here.

How am I complicating things? I'm not standing in your path. Go out there and get it girl. Stop wallowing in... do I, should I, can I, oh... this and that and well... I can't do this and I can't do that. You will spin until you burn out. If I recall correctly, which I can be mistaken especially with my brain as it is, which limits me... your major concern wasn't your mother, though she was mentioned.. until others kept mentioning her. Then the blame game came out... Get over it or don't. Do it, or don't. Sit down with your family and figure out how you can move mama with you or stay there or whatever... but stop with the excuses for everything. It isn't helping you.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 88

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:01:52 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

Ok....

*Note to self: "Never bring up issues of personal decisions on these boards ever again"

Learned my lesson.....

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 89

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:06:58 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

Whatever. You are still playing victim. Truth is truth whether you care to see it or not. The bottom line is, as long as most were playing it the way it didn't call you to task, you were fine. The minute somebody says, enough... something is starting to smell a little funny... they are the bad guy and you again have been victimized.

Jesus...

If I really victimized you... then show me for the fool I am and dispute what I said. Not because I want to fight with you, but because it would then validate you as a victim and me the bad guy. Do it. Gain your power back. Empower yourself, use me. It's okay.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 90

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:29:46 PM

subfever

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

Here... let me help her out a little bit...

Sorry... just couldn't resist...

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 91

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:32:24 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

All right you... (tos offence) You get detention again!

I think I scared the cats.

(in reply to subfever)

Post #: 92

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:35:37 PM

subfever

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

Detention? ... Oh, goodie! ... Do I get to be naked too??? ...

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 93

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:36:43 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

Oh nice... knife play.

(in reply to subfever)

Post #: 94

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 6:52:01 PM

subfever

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

N-n-nevermind... I'll be nice ...

< Message edited by subfever -- 3/7/2014 7:01:52 PM >

(in reply to Rawni)

Post #: 95

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 7:15:11 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I think Rawni is being a bit harsh, and her own family history is colouring her responses. However, I think she is correct in that you want to go but are a bit afraid to take the risk. I also think there are things you could have done to further your own life, because there always are. The reasons we don't do these things are as varied as the stars.

I guess sooner or later an individual has to summon up some courage and take a chance. I took my chance at 21 when I moved from New Zealand to America - and even now I wonder how I pulled out the guts to do it. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself into a decision and do it. As for your mum, does she actually have to have care? and if she does, then there are agencies that provide these things. Is it as good as family? Well, yes, in some cases, because they provide pragmatic care. Its their job and they get paid.

If there is family issues, then maybe you aren't the best person to provide care for her. Someone else may be able to give her the care she needs without the emotional baggage that you bring.

Its all a matter of checks and balances. And what ever decision you make, you need to throw yourself into it and not regret what you didn't do.

(in reply to subfever)

Post #: 96

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 7:34:32 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

"However, I think she is correct in that you want to go but are a bit afraid to take the risk."

YES!!! EXACTLY!!!!!

That is the whole reason I started the thread.....I want to just take off to Florida but I'm scared to death. I'm trying to convince myself to do it and hope that I don't regret it.

I'm sorry if this bothered some people.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 97

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 8:00:43 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

Fast reply because I've been out of the loop on this topic. I have traveled extensively, and yes, even traveled to meet men on their dime if I got a good feel for them. Those visits were temporary and I always had a return flight so there was no fear there. Traveling, going places, taking up odd jobs along the way to make it work is fine. I did everything from ghost writing to online investing to working on a farm.
OP seemed pretty determined to do this and seems to really like this guy so I would hope she is also a resourceful planner for such a major decision. Best of luck! :)

Edited to add this foot note: Listen hun, as a woman who has been there, done that and NEVER had to compromise herself I'll tell you, there are dangerous men out there who will do ANYTHING and say ANYTHING to get what they want. And they usually are the ones who bring you flowers, are well liked etc etc. You just never know with people ergo the concern about the whole relocation for free....a lot of things from someone you hardly know. I'm sure every woman on this thread has been offered this or that from a man. Do they ever follow through? RARELY. Unfortunately a lot of people lack integrity and if you SEEM needy or desperate you will LURE people like that.
Please take caution, visit this man before hand for a visit or two in his territory first then decide.
Best advice I can salvage.

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 3/7/2014 8:13:08 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 98

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 8:11:09 PM

Rawni

Posts: 1175
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Mom doesn't depend on me currently.....but that's probably not very far down the road. I would love if she would move down to Florida because of my other sister being down there too.

Here's a bit of psycho-babble info for ya....As much as I love my mother and I do have a very close and positive relationship with her, in a way, I do blame her for the bad left turn my life took so many years ago. When I was first diagnosed with epilepsy and lost my driver's license, the day I was discharged from the hospital, the doctor was explaining about how I would lose my license for at least a year. My mom was sitting there and she piped in "Well....the ophthalmologists always said that you probably shouldn't drive anyway". That was what triggered his decision to not let me have it back at all. If she would have kept her mouth shut, I could have had it back in a year and been back in school and graduated in another year, and my life would be totally different from what it is now.

So now....I finally got my license back and I have a chance to change my life, and the thought that my mother would play a key part in holding me back once again....even though I know that would never be her intention....drives me a bit crazy. I feel guilty thinking about it like this, because I know that day in the hospital it wasn't her intention to stifle my life for 18 years. I also know that her needing any of my help now isn't because she wants to continue to hold me back. But that's very well what might happen.

You said earlier in the thread that you lost your license 18 years ago and you have blamed your mother for ruining your life basically for that long.

That is what I am harshly responding to, that and the victim role you are stuck in.

That has nothing to do with what has happened in my life because I don't do victim. I don't have a bunch or even much baggage about anything. I do my emotional homework, am determined to make it no matter the odds against me and I don't get blaming someone for so long and saying something so harsh about your parent because they most likely spoke the truth and could have saved someone you hit by car and killed and you going to jail. Would you have then blamed her for allowing you to drive?

For eighteen years you haven't found a way to deal with it without blaming your mom originally for not keeping her mouth shut about your medical issues that two doctors said you shouldn't be driving because of. And now she is going to hold you back AGAIN!

lol

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 99

RE: I just need to think out loud for a moment...and wo... - 3/7/2014 8:17:50 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

That is the whole reason I started the thread.....I want to just take off to Florida but I'm scared to death. I'm trying to convince myself to do it and hope that I don't regret it.

Sure, change is scary. I was scared when I moved from NY to Florida to live with R. I was scared when I moved in here, because it's the first time in my life I've lived by myself.

Change comes when you bite the bullet, make a commitment, and start moving in that direction, whichever direction that may be.

(in reply to smileforme50)

Post #: 100

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