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RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 7:39:15 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

But really- what's the problem with questions? Do masters really have such a difficult time with it?

In my relationship, there isn't a problem with me asking questions in general. He encourages and even expects me to ask questions that will clarify my understanding even when a direct instruction is given.

However this thread is not asking about general questions. It is asking about a question that seeks justification from the dominant for an action they have the submissive perform. As a slave to my Lord, justification for specific instructions is a luxury for me and he will tell me if he wants me to know.

I also think that many times people ask why and they are not asking the question they really want answered. He says bring me my shoes and asking why may not give me the information I really want. If I ask him where he is going, then that might give me the information that I am actually seeking.

Communication in our relationship is certainly not hampered by me not asking "why" when given a specific instruction. In fact, I think it is even enhanced because I have to take time to consider what information I really want to know and the most effective way to communicate that. There is no guessing game to figure out what I am really asking, just direct, efficient communication.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 101

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 8:12:37 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

~~not directed at anyone in particular~~

Seriously, in my first relationship, I was constantly asking why, simply because it was my first M/s relationship and I not only wanted to know his reasons for doing something, I also wanted to understand my reasons for doing it or hesitating

Through the years with him, it became kind of a joke with us. He would tell me to do something, I would look at him and say 'how come'. Depending on his mood that day, it either was kept lighthearted, or he would just say 'do it now' in THAT tone of voice

Then there were times that he would tell me to do something, and I would just do it, with no thought in my mind as to why.
I agree with what someone already said that it depends greatly on the dynamic that you have with each other. Some don't like to be questioned; others enjoy the almost humorous interaction that comes from it. As long as it works, that's all that matters.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 102

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 10:05:54 AM

charismagirrl

Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline

i have a big issues with the "whys" and "buts"...i'm overly inquisitive and overly analytical...always wanting to know the answer and figure it all out.

Sometimes this has been a good thing...with recognition & understanding of things it becomes easier for me to accept and/or change behaviors. my Daddy/Master told me that he'll never just say "Because I said so that's why" but he also hates repeating himself. (which kind of sucks for me sometimes if i truly don't understand an explanation the first few times and my Daddy gets frustrated with me for asking again)....

So although i am allowed to ask why in alot of instances, the goal is to just TRUST & OBEY without understanding or clarification... knowing that it will all become clear after a time.i understand, my Daddy is trying to train me and i don't have to understand everything before doing it.

i agree though with alot of what bita has said and hopefully one day i won't have to ask why all the time either. (but, i'm a new slave and it will take time) It also made me stop and think about how the word why is challenging (maybe that's why my Daddy keeps telling me to stop thinking that i know what's better for me than he does. Hmmm) Sooo thanks bita

_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to Fawne)

Post #: 103

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 10:41:26 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Today he talked about working nights, and I asked him "why would you want to do that?" It was not a challenge, it was a sincere question....

"Why do you want to go to the beach?" Translation... I want to know why you feel like going to the beach because I want to understand you, because I want to know you and your moods.

"Why would you rather have steak instead of fish tonight?" Translated to say I want to know if there are ways I can anticipate your wants and desires

"Why do you not want to socialize with XY or Z people" Translation, I want to know the kind of people you would like me to avoid in the future

"Why do you not think that promotion is a good idea?" translation, I want to know what about this particular situation you see that could be harmful to me...

"Why do you think I need to think about what I said?" Translation, I want to know how I am talking that is not pleasing to you...

Why not why? It is a word, it has no value other than what the people using it attach to it.

My unmentionable asks why all the time, and while sometimes I have said "because I said so" most of the time I answer the "Why" question, because it helps him process what is expected of him, and he is a logical thinking person, like me.... nothing wrong with that....

I see from your examples much more clearly what you meant by the *why* question.

I could be very wrong but it seems like it's just your way of asking things that other people might word a different way entirely.

In the type of examples you gave I wouldn't think to ask *why* because it would be clear ......merely because of the type of interaction I'm used to.

Rather like .......

I'm going to the beach because I.......*******

I'd think I'd like steak tonight because....*******

I don't really like XY or Z, they irritate me, so in the future I'd rather............*******

Hmmm, that promotion sounds as if it may be...........*******

Think about what you just said, do you think it was...........*******

That's just the way of it for me.

agirl

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 104

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 1:47:27 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Well, if we lose 'what', we can always move on to the ever popular "huh?"

::chuckles::

The problem with "huh" is that invites the appropriate response which is

(condescendingly stated)

"It is technical. Duh."

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 105

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/21/2006 7:02:36 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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This brought back memories about my first session with master when we were just playmates. We met at a motel. He had numerous toy bags and told me that he was leaving for 45 minutes and I was expected to set out the toys and ready myself for the session. I worked diligently, keeping one eye on the clock and arranging the toys and props so they would be ready to hand for him. The entire time I had a conversation with myself, wondering what lesson this was to teach me. Was it a way to get me into submissive mode for the session? Would he psychoanalyze the placing of the instruments, the neatness of my arrangements?
I was done and ready in plenty of time and as I waited I continued to wonder what his purpose was.
He returned, looked, nodded without comment and a very fun session began.
After, we were cuddling and snacking and drinking, and I asked, “Why?”
“Why did you have me get all the stuff ready?”
He looked at me as if I were an imbecile and said, “You’re the submissive, you do the work.”
I laughed so hard that I nearly fell off the bed.
Sometimes I make things much more complicated than they need to be!

< Message edited by catize -- 10/21/2006 7:04:17 PM >

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 106

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 7:34:07 AM

Mavis

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Joined: 2/8/2004
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catize, that is a great story. so simple, so true. and i can just see your mind turning with possibilities... <grins>

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 107

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 7:54:44 AM

BD123

Posts: 201
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline

In response to your thread. First of all I expect my sub/slave to ask questions when ever the need arises, after all communications is one of the bases of our relationship. Second the request (question) should be formatted as such "Sir, I would like to know the meaning of your latest directive, in order that I may better understand and serve you."

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 108

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 7:59:37 AM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

I had one sub new to the lifestyle who was a very logical, left-brained engineering type and felt there should be a rational reason for each thing I asked of him, so he would ask Me "why" all the time. I don't mind answering the "why" question, but often the answer is that the activity is purely for My pleasure and amusement, and there is no rational reason other than that. I like the feeling of asking subs to do things "just because I can."

At first he had a problem with this, but he had a talk with one of his submissive female friends and she seemed to get this concept through to him. After that he had a better attitude about some of the things I asked him to do that he considered silly but harmless, and I found very entertaining.

Lady Topaz

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 109

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 8:53:48 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If you are a dominant do you feel it is appropriate for your submissive/slave to ask why they are to do something? Will you answer them as to why they are to do something?

If you are a submissive/slave do you feel comfortable to ask your dominant person why they are having you do something?

I enjoy questions, as they allow a further impetus of teaching. In turn, I may use Socratic methods to help a girl arrive at the answer.

There is a time and a place for questions, however. It is not good decorum to answer each command with an inquiry. Sometimes it is wise to save the need to know for more inviting moments, like fireside chats, tender moments of petting, dinner conversation of long trips in the car. In fact, there are so many opportunities to communicate deeply and more candidly in that wide stream of life which surrounds us.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 110

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 9:37:23 AM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
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Amayos: Excellent. I admire your views. Well done.

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 111

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 9:55:44 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PiercedDaz

Amayos: Excellent. I admire your views. Well done.

Thank you for the praise, Daz.

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Post #: 112

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 10:00:07 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

Not answering a questions doesn't have to mean a Dom/Domme is "insecure." I refuse to answer questions if it will take the element of ambush/surprise out of a scene I'm building if it means answering the question during the prelude of said scene. (Speaking in the context of a negotiated scene encompassing all that "might" happen at any given time.)

Not all things are what they appear, folks and I'm hesitant to make sweeping judgements before I know the facts. After all, isn't that just another reason to ask questions? So that we can determine motive and intent?

Personally, my sub is always free to question and/or ask "why" after (for example) the task is complete, unless what I'm requiring will harm her physically, emotionally, spiritually or physically should she wait until then. Nor do I demand her to address every issue "in role" as long as she indicates her need to do that, beforehand.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 113

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 10:12:06 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Well said and a prospective that I do try to put forth in my posts. For me, this journey has been and continues to be a process, but most things are now internal reformations in order to better the person I am so the slave I have the potential to be has it's best opportunity for growth. Basically, I've gotten as much external 'help' with the process as I can get.. everything else is reworking what's already there, refining and tweaking it then letting it come out as better service (and attitude) to enhance our lives together.

Absolutely awesome comment.

(in reply to Fawne)

Post #: 114

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/22/2006 11:58:14 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Not answering a questions doesn't have to mean a Dom/Domme is "insecure." I refuse to answer questions if it will take the element of ambush/surprise out of a scene I'm building if it means answering the question during the prelude of said scene. (Speaking in the context of a negotiated scene encompassing all that "might" happen at any given time.)

Actually the whys I was talking about were not in relation to a scene, which he likes to mind fuck me, so I do not ask many questions, although I am sure I could if I wanted to. He only answers questions he wants to answer, I do not feel I am owed one personally, nor that he is insecure when he has either delayed or refused to answer me.(and he has said. "because I said so" on occasion)

quote:

Not all things are what they appear, folks and I'm hesitant to make sweeping judgements before I know the facts. After all, isn't that just another reason to ask questions? So that we can determine motive and intent?

Sometimes questions serve this purpose, often they do not. He questions me all the time without that as a reason.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 10/22/2006 11:59:17 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

Post #: 115

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/23/2006 5:46:54 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Not all things are what they appear, folks and I'm hesitant to make sweeping judgements before I know the facts. After all, isn't that just another reason to ask questions? So that we can determine motive and intent?

Sometimes questions serve this purpose, often they do not. He questions me all the time without that as a reason.

Hello A/all,

I will oftentimes ask a question repeatedly about an issue or idea when I get the impression the other person has not really considered what it means.

I might ask questions about the issue. I might ask the same question I had previously asked. I might point out the way it seems to me.

It is not really because I think I know the answer, it is because it appears to me that neither does the person I am asking the questions of. I want them to really take a long hard look at it from different viewpoints and determine whether they have really considered it "outside of the box."

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 116

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/24/2006 6:41:17 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

In the beginning I needed to be able to ask why a lot more than I now do. It was a way of learning to trust him, by being able to see that he had thought things through, and he did know what he was doing.

These days it's much rarer except when idle curiosity is involved. Now the only thing I need to hear when I bring up a possible problem is that he has considered that and knows how to solve it. I know he's trustworthy but I also know he's human and may overlook things.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 117

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/24/2006 7:21:42 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
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Sinergy and julia,

Why do I get such a warm and fuzzy feeling that the two of you are a terrific match? I admire both your viewpoints and most certainly wish you the best to come. Enjoyed your banter immensely at the beginning of the thread.

LBO

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 118

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/24/2006 7:32:41 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Well, you 'could' be.. but I'd venture to say if that's how your dynamic works, then you're most likely not wrong.

I'm most likely not wrong either though, because this is what works in the dynamic I share with Himself. Neither of us can remember the last time I asked him 'why' to a command.. but, we're aging, the brain cells are dying out, so it could have been this morning and we just don't remember! ::laughs::

Hello A/all,

That is why I pointed out in my post, celeste, that it in and of itself is simply a word. The emotional content of that word are what the two people in the dynamic attribute to it, not the word itself.

Thank you for the lovely compliments. While I understand that such a word would not work in your dynamic, I dont have a problem with it in mine.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 119

RE: That "Why" Question - 10/24/2006 10:50:39 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

to the OP: no, i don't really feel comfortable asking my Master why i must do something that he has demanded, because in most cases it's just not appropriate. my job is to do as i'm told, without QUESTION or hesitation...one of the major rules i must follow in this relationship. now there are those moments when i am allowed free speech, which may include whatever questions i may have about anything, but NEVER in the moment when an order or demand is actually given. which means that in the moment, i keep my mouth shut and do what i'm told, and maybe the next day or in the next few days or the next month or whenever, i may ask, respectfully and humbly, "why?"...but not before that time.

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 120

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