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sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:19:08 AM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
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I have been a slave to Master for 6 1/2 yrs, and for the past 6 yrs it has been a sexless relationship.   Master is a wonderful person and is a very dominate Man and he treats me well.   The problem is, He won't have sex with me.   The first 6 months of our relationship was great, and then it all stopped.

He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight.   I am 5'9" and 220lbs, and I agree that I need to lose about 70-80 lbs. That is the obvious solution, but....    my feelings are hurt that He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.

My feeling is that if He doesn't accept me as I am now, He won't accept me if I lose weight. He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here.   He seems to prefer ladies that are 4'9" and 90lbs, and i have told Him that I will never be that.   He says He just wants me to be more h/w proportionate.

The bottom line is i am having a hard time getting rid of the weight because i feel like i am doing it just so he will want me sexually, and my hurt feelings and crushed self esteem are getting in the way.   I realize as a Master He can do what He wishes, or demand what He wishes, but this is at the cost of my self confidence and self esteem.

I guess my question is how do i get past this?    Aside from sucking it up and losing the weight, is there any other advice?

PS... please don't slam me for posting this.

~aurora~

Post #: 1

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:33:38 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

I have been a slave to Master for 6 1/2 yrs, and for the past 6 yrs it has been a sexless relationship.   Master is a wonderful person and is a very dominate Man and he treats me well.   The problem is, He won't have sex with me.   The first 6 months of our relationship was great, and then it all stopped.

He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight.   I am 5'9" and 220lbs, and I agree that I need to lose about 70-80 lbs. That is the obvious solution, but....    my feelings are hurt that He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.

My feeling is that if He doesn't accept me as I am now, He won't accept me if I lose weight. He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here.   He seems to prefer ladies that are 4'9" and 90lbs, and i have told Him that I will never be that.   He says He just wants me to be more h/w proportionate.

The bottom line is i am having a hard time getting rid of the weight because i feel like i am doing it just so he will want me sexually, and my hurt feelings and crushed self esteem are getting in the way.   I realize as a Master He can do what He wishes, or demand what He wishes, but this is at the cost of my self confidence and self esteem.

I guess my question is how do i get past this?    Aside from sucking it up and losing the weight, is there any other advice?

PS... please don't slam me for posting this.

~aurora~

This is not a slam.

I am confused as to something though. You waited 6 years before asking him WHY there is no more sex?

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
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Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 2

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:37:20 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight.
He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.
He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here.

If he accepted you for who you were he wouldnt have stopped having sex with you in my opinion. He's quite prepared to hurt your feelings, tell you to lose some weight but not quite man enough to stand behind his comment and say no i dont accept you for who you are because of your weight.
You dont say whether you have put on weight since the relationship began or whether you have always been this weight. Im presuming you have put weight on as surely he would not have had sex with you in the beginning if his opinion is you are too fat to be attractive to him. If that is the case then i guess he has the right to say he no longer finds you attractive and its up to you whether you choose to do something about it or not. However he needs to back his comments up and say yes i no longer find you acceptable.
If you have always been this weight then he obviously found you attractive at the beginning of the relationship so i think you need to question what changed.
To be honest in my opinion from what you have said and how you have said hes handled it id get out and find someone who appreciates you for you.

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Post #: 3

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:48:12 AM

nessalovestats

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/10/2006
Status: offline

I would have to agree, being myself, and always having been a BBW, i could never be with someone that didn't appreciate me for me, there are alot of men, dominant and not that love the bigger gals, now i acn completely sympathize with the fact that you have been together quite long, and that is not always exactly the easiest thing to just up and walk away from, so that is not what i am absolutely suggesting. in my opinion, i would never lose weight for anyone except myself, i could never be 4'9" and weigh 90 pounds, i would look anorexic if i got under 150, i don't have the body frame to carry such a look, and i am figuring the same goes for you. instead, i came to terms with this fact, and jsut made myself healthy, and proportionate, and i love myself dearly, having someone tear you down in that way does nothing for your self esteem, and your Master should be molding you into a better human being, helping, not degrading, because that will give you absolutely no motivation to do it for YOURSELF. now i am not trying to put down anyone's views on the way they handle their slaves/subs, this is coming from a big woman to another big woman, and my life experience dealing with the fact. i also agree, that if he did have sex with you in the beginning of the relationship, that maybe there was something that happened that made him change his mind, and i think that maybe that is what needs to be figured out.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 4

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:58:44 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

How about gathering up some self-respect and self-love, begin a makeover that will benefit your health and well-being, as well as increase your self-esteem, and then, when he "likes" you again because he thinks you look good, dump him and find a Master who loves you for who you are, not what you look like.

Yes, he can demand anything he wants because he is a "Master". People in hell demand ice water all the time. YOU, however, are responsible for your own happiness and self-esteem, not no one else.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 5

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:10:12 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

I have been a slave to Master for 6 1/2 yrs, and for the past 6 yrs it has been a sexless relationship. Master is a wonderful person and is a very dominate Man and he treats me well. The problem is, He won't have sex with me. The first 6 months of our relationship was great, and then it all stopped.

He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight. I am 5'9" and 220lbs, and I agree that I need to lose about 70-80 lbs. That is the obvious solution, but.... my feelings are hurt that He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.

My feeling is that if He doesn't accept me as I am now, He won't accept me if I lose weight. He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here. He seems to prefer ladies that are 4'9" and 90lbs, and i have told Him that I will never be that. He says He just wants me to be more h/w proportionate.

The bottom line is i am having a hard time getting rid of the weight because i feel like i am doing it just so he will want me sexually, and my hurt feelings and crushed self esteem are getting in the way. I realize as a Master He can do what He wishes, or demand what He wishes, but this is at the cost of my self confidence and self esteem.

I guess my question is how do i get past this? Aside from sucking it up and losing the weight, is there any other advice?

PS... please don't slam me for posting this.

~aurora~

First, if you lost 70-90 pounds I think you'll be seriously underweight. That makes you 130-150 pounts at 5'9"?! My ideal weight at 5'6" is 150-155 pounds and my doctor told me that if I ever got below 145 she'd be very worried.

So number one, you need to see a nutricianist and a doctor who can go over your family history, your health and then maybe see what an ideal weight may be for you as an individual.

Number two unless you have major and consist support you won't lose weight in any healthy way. In fact, forget the weight thing and focus on health. Guess what? At 5'9" you may be pretty damned healthy at your current weight. Weight is not a true measurement of health -- there are maybe skinny people who are very unhealthy out there.

Third, I think you have to ask yourself some questions. Why you have remained in this relationship for six more years? How important is sex with him to you? How do you feel about your body if you remove his opinion from the equation?

Most people in American culture have a hard enough time with a positive body image. The last thing we need is to be in a relationship where that is slammed even more.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 10/20/2006 7:11:33 AM >

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(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 6

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:11:44 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Either I'm having a Deja Vu moment or we have had a nearly identical post before.

6 YEARS?????

Why are you still there? I'm sorry....but aren't your needs important to you too? This is something that should have triggered MAJOR talks after the first month. Are you willing to live a sexless existence? That's really the question you need to ask yourself because I surely can't see this relationship suddenly changing and becoming sexually healthy again....no matter how much weight you lose.

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~erin~

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"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 7

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:16:30 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I either need more coffee..... or we've been through this exact song and dance before with auorua... the wording is exact from other time you ran this story a few months back.... nope... got my coffee refill...and it's still the same...gonna go find link to this story .....

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(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 8

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:17:59 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

According to the bmi, a weight of 138-169 is healthy for 5'9". Of course bmi is just a guide, people have differences.

My issue is what happened 6 months after they were together? Did she gain a lot of weight?

And saying that he's a Master and can do anything, that's just an excuse for not improving her situation. Anyone can say "I'm a Master and I can do anything". Whatever, doesn't make it a reason to stay in a bad situation.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:18:41 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

People don't have control over what turns them on sexually. The part of him that is
under his control accepts you as you are, but like all of us he has no control over
the desires of his archipallium.

_____________________________

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 10

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:22:06 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

According to the bmi, a weight of 138-169 is healthy for 5'9". Of course bmi is just a guide, people have differences.

It is just a guide, but it is a pretty good guide to start with. I am 5'9, and I followed the doctor's guidelines once and got down to 145 and looked terrible. Bone structure for that weight for me, was just all wrong. Right now I am at 175 and look and feel better than I ever did when I weighed less.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 11

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:24:48 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

This is not a slam.

Weight is a big issue...excuse the pun...for a lot of people, not just submissives. With the type of food and the amount of food readily available in today's society, it is easy to succumb to the temptation of food. As an aside, I think it would be interesting to study the dynamics of relationships wherein one or both partners gain wait...why they do so, what kicks it off, etc., etc.

You note that the sex stopped 6 years ago...about 6 months into the relationship. Though I find it hard to believe that you were attractive to him at the start and then, in 6 months, managed to put on enough weight to put him off, I suppose it is possible to gain that much in that short period of time but if that is the case, I would want to look into a possible medical reason. Assuming you have done that and the weight gain was all through your own indulgence, then you have several options to look at which have already been stated.

1. Learn to accept your weight gain and how to be happy with it and you. As long as your doctor finds no cause for alarm, then you are O.K., physically at least. I would get this verified by your doctor though.

2. If you want to lose weight, you have to do it for yourself. Yes, people do it all the time with the idea in mind that "I need to lose weight so that I am attractive to my present/potential partner" but in reality, it is still for the person themself; something they want...they want to keep/get a partner and they know that to do so, they must lose weight.

3. Finally, if you decide to lose weight, check the height and weight tables and once you find the appropriate weight, go after it the right way...proper diet, proper exercise, proper motivation (for you...not for someone else only).

Good luck...

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 12

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:26:27 AM

WindOWillow

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline

Hi Aurora.

You state that your master is "good to you and treats you well" yet you also state that your "self esteem has been crushed" because of his lack of sexual desire for you.

I have a rule of thumb. If a man causes me to cry more than he causes me to smile, that means that perhaps he's not all that healthy for me to be around.

You are who you are. If he can't appreciate that, move on.

I wish you all the best and hope that you can come to some sort of peace within yourself and not rely on someone else to validate your self worth.

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 13

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:28:28 AM

SweetCaleigh

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline

my heart goes out to you hon. i totally understand the feeling of being over weight myself, but what i am finding, at least here, is there are MANY Doms that like a voluputous body. Especially a full rounded butt! Dump Him, because there is so many other Doms/men out there for you that will accept your weight and for who you are. Also, many true REAL DOMS will support you with your weight if you really wanted the help from them. Believe me, many Doms have offered that to me. Just wish i found the right one for me though LOL.

Besides that, you're being 5'9" and 220 lbs is NOT that over weight! 70 - 80lbs is ridiculous! you would be a toothpick! i even got a comment the other day from a Dom saying "I hate a bagful of bones for a slave." Maybe 170 would be good but not too much lower than that, otherwise i guarentee you will feel sickly. i know, because i have been there.

Just get rid of Him and find another. you'll be so much happier :)

*sweet caleigh*

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 14

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:29:28 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

I agree with what the previous posters have said.

But is there more to this I'm also wondering? Does he seek out sex with other women?

If he doesnt, then it would suggest to me he has some problem going on in himself - for instance erectile dysfunction. Its not something a man, and I venture especially a dominant man, is going to want to reveal or talk about, but instead shy away from sex altogether in order to conceal it. Its a big thing for a man not to be able to perform, and it affects his whole self esteem and identity in a similar way as it affects women who have to have a mastectomy. Its easier for him, again especially in this type of relationship I imagine, to project such a problem onto the woman - its some fault with her that becomes the discussion point. I would ask also, whether he has become more dominating and/or macho since the sex stopped? That could also point towards such a reason as the explanation for the lack of sex, in that he is compensating for his perceived loss of esteem/identity by doing that.

If he does seek out sex with other women, then slave or not, 6 1/2 years or not, I think you have to ask yourself where this relationship is going? I'm probably out of step with many in that even in TPE, I feel that the slave has to be getting all he/she wants from the relationship too, otherwise it doesnt work for either side. Ask yourself, whether if this situation continued for the next 6 years, where would you be by then?

Of course, you could lose weight and get fitter, and put him to the test - but this has to be something you do for yourself really, rather than to put him to the test. In my opinion, and thats all it is, if he truly accepted you and didnt have some sort of personal problem like I said above, well, in the end he's a guy and has needs which you could satisfy whatever your size, and by more methods than vaginal sex at that.

If I were you, then I would seriously have a conversation with him about all this - but then again I dont know the details of your relationship and whether that would be permitted under whatever you have agreed. In the end though, this is about you and your happiness and fulfilment, and if he isnt interested in your happiness and fulfilment - which of course feeds into his happiness and fulfilment - then I'm afraid in my opinion at least, slave or not, you might need to move on.

E

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Post #: 15

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:30:55 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am seeing the reaccuring cloud of the dreaded "sub/slave weight issue" looming on the horizon......

running screaming..........."AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!"

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SweetCaleigh)

Post #: 16

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:31:43 AM

sultryvoice

Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

You can't lose weight unless YOU want to. Also, you need good support . As in previous posts, you could be very healthy at the weight you are now but if losing weight is YOUR need, then do it. Waiting 6 years to come to this realization is not good. Why didn't you do something earlier on? Apparently, he is getting sex somewhere since it isn't you. I would question his motives on why he kept you there and ask yourself why you allowed it.

In other words, if the weight needs to be gone, you have to want to do it yourself, for yourself and only for yourself. Pleasing yourself is number one in this arena. Pleasing him is a great byproduct of this action!

_____________________________

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Post #: 17

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:41:03 AM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

~fast reply~

I appreciate everything that has been said so far.   Just to clear up a couple things....   I have never posted this same story before to my knowledge, unless I was having a brain fart and don't remember.

Also as several of you have asked/wondered... when I came here 6 1/2 yrs ago I was this exact same weight.   Master suggested that I try to lose some of it, so I got busy and lost 70lbs.   It didn't change anything, because I wasn't quite small enough. I was finally in to a size 15/16 which I hadn't been since I graduated high school. Master told me that when I could get into a size 9 he would be impressed. (He now denies ever saying that, so maybe I imagined it).

I did not wait 6 yrs to bring this up, it has been ongoing the entire time. Master doesn't like talking about it and will walk away from me if i bring it up, so it never gets discussed. Last night I asked him if we were ever going to have sex again, (this took a lot of nerve for me to ask) and he said, maybe if you lose some weight. Then he walked away and said he answered my question and wasn't going to discuss it anymore.

I also want to add, that Master and I get along fine, hardly ever argue, and do have a lot of good times together, it is just sexless.    I told him last night that I won't spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.   I have let it go on this long, because I felt that things might change, and that I owed myself, Him and the relationship a chance to fix things before just giving up and walking away.
I guess i am just really devoted.

~aurora~

(in reply to SweetCaleigh)

Post #: 18

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:45:34 AM

subartist4dom

Posts: 40
Status: offline

When I started my relationship with my master I was very self conscious. First I had just come out of an abusive relationship. Two I have an unmentionable which changed alot of my physical appearance. I went from having a six pack to massive stretch marks and extra baggage. Sure I've worked out, lost weight and guess what...extra baggage and stretch marks are still there. Even now there are times when I look in the mirror and go damn I've gotten fat. But my master justs laughs when I do that and gives me a hug. I never used to believe him when he said he didn't care that I was "pudgy" as I put it. And right before I got up, he grabbed me and said "MINE". Of course being a smart ass I asked if I was a teddy bear and he grinned like a sheepish fool. Also stress will pack the pounds on. Sounds like you need a new master...no...better yet a whole new man that will adore you and want to please you. My master says if your master thinks its his way or the highway and don't meet your needs that its time to move on.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 19

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:46:15 AM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am seeing the reaccuring cloud of the dreaded "sub/slave weight issue" looming on the horizon......

running screaming..........."AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!"

Really, let's not go there - women are beautiful in whatever size, shape, color, or age.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 20

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